He may be a good father, a good provider, a sober and upstanding member of the community, and an active member of his religious congregation. He may well be charming and gregarious. His partner loves him and may be emotionally dependent on him. And, the victim may not be a saint. Some of her behavior may have given her partner cause for complaint. But no behavior could ever justify beating and abusing someone.

Remember that a public and a private persona forth batterer is common.

Instead of going by the public perception of this individual, it is important to listen to those who know him in private. A member of the clergy may know this individual in a public context and may find him to be charming and effective. It is sometimes difficult, then, when the man's wife comes to the clergy person and tells a horrendous story about the abuse that she has experienced in private. Her story contradicts the clergy person's perception of her husband. The tendency is to trust one's own experience and to disbelieve her story.

Misconceptions about battering

Battering is not caused by alcohol or drugs. Because alcohol and drug abuse are also epidemic in our society, it is inevitable that some batterers will have both problems. However, this is not a causal relationship: the alcohol or drug use does not cause the violence. Alcohol or drug treatment will not (in most cases) stop the violence. For the victim, alcohol or drugs may also be a factor. A victim may be abusing alcohol or drugs (including prescriptions drugs) as a means of coping with the abuse. Alcohol or drug treatment for the victim will be useful to her only if she is safe and no longer threatened with violence.

Battering is not caused by the relationship. The batterer's relationship with his partner may be stressful for him. Their communication may be very poor. They may have serious financial problems. There may be sexual dysfunction. There may be parenting problems. But the violence does not result from these problems. There are other couples who have all the same problems but who do not have a batterer-victim relationship. The batterer brings violence to a relationship, and often the relationships deteriorates as a result of the violence. Understanding this means that the batterer must deal with his abusive behavior separate from the relationship.

Battering is not caused by the victim. Her behavior does not cause the batterer's violence. Helping her to change her behavior will not stop his violence. It doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do (e.g. having dinner on time, cleaning the house, looking "prettier"). She may have learned enough about the pattern to know when it is coming and to postpone it until a later time. The batterer is in control of his violence, not the victim.  Occasionally a victim will do something that will appear to be "asking for" the abuse. This may be an unconscious attempt to take back whatever control she can -- maybe just the timing of the beating.   For example, she may know something is going to happen, she just doesn't know when or where. She may be something that, in the past, has caused him to abuse her, hoping that this time it won't hurt too much. She may get through the violent stage to the happier "honeymoon" phase where things are better. Then she will know when it will happen, where it will happen and what will happen; and she will know that she has lived through it, again.