I remember once when I was about 28 years old, I went to work for an oil company up in Wyoming. My plan was to not drink, save my money, and buy a truck. Little by little, however, I started to drink and use drugs until I was doing it everyday. I fell into a rut where I was spending all my money, even before I was paid. I became stuck on this "oil-worker-camp-treadmill," never able to get ahead. The months passed me by, and it dawned on me that I wasn't going to be able to make it home for Christmas this year.

        I tried to pretend it didn't bother me, but way down, deep inside my heart I ached to go home. Finally, Christmas day showed up. There I was in this oil worker camp, alone in the dead of winter. I remember looking out the window watching the snow swirl around. I felt very bitter inside and asked myself, "How could there be a God? How could he make me suffer like this? What's the point of this?"

        Well, what seemed like the longest day of my life finally ended, then it was the next day, then a week, and finally months passed   by and I forgot all about it. That is, until the next Christmas.

         Then something very special happened. For the first time in my adult life, I appreciated my family, the presents, the lights, the smells, the Christmas tree. I was so grateful just to be there.

        It dawned on me that I had gone through exactly what I needed to learn how to be grateful. Our Father in Heaven saw me looking out that window, felt my pain, and heard my cry, but He also knew I was going through exactly what I needed to go through to learn how to be humble and grateful.

        You see, with our limited understanding and intelligence (and our limited view of things as they really are), we sometimes can't see the point of going through the painful and fiery trials. But if you will awake to things as they really are, you can actually use the trials and tribulations to help expand yourself, grow and gain more intelligence.

        I would like to explain something as I see it. Your body is the perfect progression machine for shaping and forming your soul. You can tell the difference between hot and cold, love and hate, dark and light, pleasure and pain. In this world, it is very apparent to most people that there is an OPPOSITE affixed to all things.

        It is absolute that there are positive and negative forces in all things around us. Although unseen, you can still see and hear the very real results of these tremendous powers. There is the dynamic, electrical force that shoots dazzling lights, flashing and streaking across the night sky, and the mighty roll of the dark thunder clouds in their wake. There are titanic forces of nature pulling the mighty oceans up and forcing them pounding and crashing down again upon the sandy shores. And then the greatest opposites of all, the unseen but very real opposite powers of the all-powerful God and Satan, your very real lower power.

        And the truth of the matter is, these very real forces are directly at work on you all the time, literally shaping and forming you, pulling you one way or the other. It is not possible for you to sit ignorantly in the middle of these very real POWERS and not be affected. As you make various choices under these opposite categories, you are shaped formed into you! I think of it as if we're on a GIANT CONVEYER BELT in a huge factory, or progression machine. And when you come out the other end, you're the finished product of our own decisions.

        In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it describes alcohol as cunning, baffling, etc. Let's go a step further say it's cold, ruthless, murderous, and deceitful. Not only does this describe alcohol, it also describes a very real, though unseen, power-your lower power.

        I remember a guy with a stubby beard lying on a mat Detox with leaves tangled up in his dirty, matted hair. He was in clothes filthy beyond description, soaked in his urine. Open sores of all shapes and sizes covered his body and his stomach was badly swollen. Every word that came out of his mouth was foul, and it was very obvious that his time to die was very close. This poor man was the end result of his very real, lower power sending relentless waves of subtle distortions and temptations. This unseen, very real power had literally ground him into his present condition: fully ripe for destruction. Just like the wind and the rain shaping and forming a rock, your lower power uses a million angles to slowly form you into the worst possible person can become. He can take you apart like a Swiss watch maker.

        Remember when you were young, how the world made smoking a cigarette look so cool, even though deep in your heart you somehow knew it wasn't right? How little by little, degree by degree, you slowly changed. First a cigarette, then you had to have a beer to fit in and look cool. Remember that uncomfortable feeling deep inside as you had to lie once in a while to cover up? Slowly, your clothes started to get shaggy, and so did your hair. Little by little you started to swear once in a while. Can you look back on your life and see that a very real power was starting to shape and form you. It was putting you on the same conveyor belt going to the same place as the man I just described lying on a mat in Detox. The only difference is, you're a few years behind him.

        I'm hoping that through this little book, if I don't do anything else, I can help you discern and recognize these very real powers that are working on you all the time. To help you see clearly through the mist of confusing thoughts going through your mind, I found some real answers in the Book of Mormon.

        A man named Moroni described these unseen, very real powers when he wrote:

"The devil continually inviteth and enticeth to sin and do that which is evil continually. While on the other hand, everything which inviteth and enticeth to do good is of God, and the way to judge is as plain as the daylight from the dark. For behold, the light of Christ is given to every man that he may know good from evil."

        My testimony unto you is that the tender place in your heart that swells your breast with guilt when you do something you know is not right, is the Light of Christ. It is your compass with which to steer your life, and can honestly show you the way.

        "Wherefore," says Moroni, "you may know with a perfect knowledge, that whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil..." to be unkind to others, to lie and cheat, or persuades you that there is no hope, no way of ever working it out. It is of the devil. And you may also know with a perfect know that such impulses and thoughts are designed to make you do something that (when it's all over) will hurt you or someone else. And the way to know of a certainty is that when you examine it carefully in the tender place in your heart, it will make you feel uneasy and it won't fit with what you know is right.(Moroni 7)

        On the other hand, everything that persuadeth men to believe in Christ, to say their prayers, to believe there is -and a way out, to be honest, to uplift his fellowman, then may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. And the way to tell is that it feels right. It fits and aligns itself with what you know in you heart is right.

        Look to the Light of Christ. Stop listening to the madness in your head that says, "I'll just have one beer, what can it hurt?". Listen to the tender place in your heart that swells your breast with alarm when you're on the way to do something you know isn't right.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma puts it this way,

"Behold, I say unto you that the good shepherd doth call you." And is still calling you constantly from the center of your heart. Notwithstanding a shepherd doth call you, you have gone astray. And if you will not hearken unto the voice of the Good Shepherd, of what fold are ye? Behold, I say unto you, that the devil is your shepherd. And whosoever doeth this must receive his wages of him."(Alma 5:38)

Or in other words, if you don't listen to that tender, uncomfortable feeling, then you're following that other shepherd and he will surely lead you into lost jobs, broken families, lost hope and death.

        When I look back on all the hangovers, jails, treatment programs with the endless attempts to quit, I thank God every night that I finally came to that turning point where I humbled myself and became willing to do what it takes, to do the things I always knew in my heart I should be doing my whole life long. I am so grateful that the madness is finally over, permanently.

        That tender place in your heart is God's light shining through the madness. He will guide you safely to sure, safe ground, past all the traps and snares so cunningly set all around you. From His word, and through your prayers to Him, YOU CAN TURN ALL YOUR HARD LESSONS INTO STRENGTHS. You can turn your hopelessness into HOPE, your fear into compassion, your pain into mercy, and your HUNGER WILL BE FILLED, and it will finally be quiet inside.

        Your higher power, though unseen, is a VERY REAL POWER, even much more powerful than that of your lower power. The choice is yours as to which you will ALLOW to shape and form you.

        The power of Satan is very real. If you don't think a very real power is tearing you apart one piece at a time, just take look in the mirror. I did and it was horrible to behold. On the opposite extreme, I remember how, after I started going to AA, saying my prayers, and reading a little bit out of the Book of Mormon every night. With each passing week I would swear just a little bit less until I finally quit altogether. I would catch myself just before I would lie and choose not to, until I quit completely. One day I just gave up smoking little by little, degree by degree. This very real power of Christ was shaping and forming me into the best possible person I could become. With Christ by my side, I was expanding beyond anything I thought was possible.

        Jesus says that "my sheep hear my voice and do know me, and do follow after me." That tiny voice in your heart is the Spirit of Christ. I do know His voice and I do follow after Him.

        Don't put yourself in the position of going on one drunk too many! I had a friend, one of many, but I was really close to this guy. He was a good buddy-would do anything for me. He was a heck of a comedian and also a total drug addict. Somehow my buddy got his hand on a vile of liquid morphine-a gold mine in the drug world.

        I remember we had parked the car in our favorite spot overlooking the entire city with its millions of tiny lights shinning in splendor. And there we were, drinking beer, smoking pot, and checking out this new found fortune. As usual, we were both idiots, not really knowing what we were doing. For some reason I made up the excuse that I had to go home, but asked him to save me some and I'd help him do it tomorrow. Well, he decided to go home, too. On the way, I bought my friend a beer then took him home. It was his last beer on this planet.

        I went to bed that night and slept until about 4:30 a.m. when I was awakened by a harsh, cold voice inside my head. It screamed, "YOUR BUDDY IS DEAD!" This startled me so much I sat straight up in bed. Although it really troubled me, because of my condition and his condition, I put it off with the thought, "Heck, I'm always thinking strange things." With that, I laid back down and went to sleep.

        The next think I knew, the phone was ringing. It was another friend of mine calling to tell me they had found my buddy dead that morning. His Mom was the first to find him. Although I hadn't actually heard any voice (just those inside my own head), I somehow had known my friend was dead. It made my skin crawl to think of how close I had come to taking that deadly stuff with him. I most assuredly would have been lying right beside him, dead. Because of the crazy things alcoholics and drug addicts do, I could have died a thousand times over in my life this far, in any number of places.

        Somehow, nothing was the same for me after his death. Although it was not quite the end of my alcohol problem, did make up my mind at that time to never put myself in that position again. I wouldn't make my family and friends go through the horror of my funeral.

        I can only imagine how my buddy must have felt when he sat up and noticed that his body was still lying there on the floor. And how, when he finally realized that he was really dead, that he couldn't use his body to clean up the syringes, drugs, and empty beer cans that were strewn everywhere in his room. That was just how his Mom was going to find his and there wasn't anything he could do about it anymore.

        Because of my own experiences with alcohol and drugs, I know how fragile life can be under substance abuse. Life can be snuffed out at any given moment, and then it's too late. I hope you live long enough to humble yourself and wake up.

         It's BEEN a long journey walking out of hell and on to the road that leads to true peace. However, as the months passed and started to turn into years, the things that at one time I could see no way of ever straightening out, began to work themselves out. I found a job, a loving wife, and finally resolved all my legal problems. The Spirit guided me back toward the church I grew up in. I attended church and AA regularly. However, on this last mile on the road to true peace, I stiil had an uneasy feeling of unfinished business.

        You see, from my church teachings, I always knew deep inside that I would never be truly at peace with myself until I went to my bishop and confessed all my sins. I knew this was the only way to clean my slate. Even though I hadn't had a drink or done anything bad for two years, I was terrified at the prospect of bringing the things of my past to light. Those things still haunted me, and I felt that they were so dark, disgusting, and embarrassing, that there was no way I could tell anyone, let alone my bishop. Somehow I felt the things I had done were irreparable and if I revealed them to the bishop, I would be excommunicated on the spot. However, I had reached a point in my recovery where I just knew it was time.

        So one day, with all the courage I could muster I grabbed my bishop by the arm an told him I needed an appointment to see him. He said sure, and the appointment was set four days latter. Those were the four longest days of my life, considering everything I had already passed through. Many thoughts were running through my mind like, "I can't tell him everything but I can't just tell him part either. I would need a computer to keep track of all my mistakes. Where would I start?"

        Well, the big day finally arrived. I sat waiting outside the bishop's office and felt weak, as though I were going to pass out. Then the door opened and he asked me to come and have a seat. Following him in, I could feel his warmth. He was a kind man. As I sat in his office looking at my feet, my eyes filled with tears and everything began to flood out of me. There were too many things to list, so I just went by categories, and didn't leave anything out. When I finished, I just sat there, looking at my feet, waiting to be excornmunicated. Then the bishop put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Bob, through the power of Jesus Christ, I can safely tell you, that you have been forgiven of your sins*. (*According to Church Doctrine, only the Lord can ultimately forgive sins, however the Bishop assured me that there was no further need to mention these sins in subsequent Church interviews.) The thing I was in greatest fear of turned out to be the sweetest experience of my life. You see I don't need to be afraid anymore. Now when it's my turn to be brought before God, and he says "Let's watch the movie of Bob's life." The parts that are dark and embarrassing, won't be there. They have been washed away by the Atonement of Christ. I'll tell you, I walked home from that interview on the clouds. I had truly found peace, my long journey home was an end.

        Even though my lower power had convinced me that I was too far gone and had done too many dark things too long to ever repair the damage. I found it was a total lie, there is a way back. I can testify to you of the very real, healing power of the Spirit of Christ. I know from my own experience, that this tender, Holy Being is the Son of God. And He will heal you, no matter what you have done, if you humbly come unto Him with full purpose of heart.

        Something else happened one day. While sitting on a chair during one of my many visits to Detox, a feeling of warmth and light came over me and touched the understanding of my mind. As I watched the different people I had come to help, I realized they were all of different back-grounds, classes, and colors. Yet these differences that had always been rigidly set in my mind and heart, seemed to be swept away. I saw them all as children of our Heavenly Father with no distinctions of town, state, country, color, or ugliness. They were all precious and loved children, struggling in different ways to overcome the things of this world. All of them had the same worth, they were just in different degrees of progression.

        My eyes had been opened to the fact that these were truly my brothers and sisters. Looking past all the buildings, cement, TVs, cars, and noise, I could clearly see that being of service to other people and doing everything to help them overcome the things of the world, is the most noble and worthwhile thing a person can do on this earth. And I could see that honesty, integrity, compassion, and love are of greater worth than anything the riches of the world have to offer. They are the precious jewels you take with you when you leave this world, if you have them.

        As you shine the light of the Spirit on alcoholism and drug addiction, there is plainly revealed a Wall of distorted perceptions cleverly woven by your lower power designed to stop you from doing what you know in your heart is right. The warning is that if you go against what you know in your heart to be true for long enough, the grace or spirit that fills the center of your soul will withdraw leaving behind a nervous, itchy hole that never rests. It will demand cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food, etc.

        And none of these things will ever fill the cavity. You will be left to your own strength, totally helpless against your very real lower power-the destroyer. You will literally be tossed to and fro as a boat on the ocean waves without a rudder or sail. You will be led aimlessly toward certain death. The only way you can get off this insane voyage of certain death is to humble yourself and go through certain actions.

        No matter what your head says, say your prayers, read the Book of Mormon, or Bible, or both, and go to AA. If you are diligent and patient, you will reach a time when the sweetest feeling you have ever known will come over you, filling the emptiness inside. Some call it serenity. Others call it the grace of God. Whatever you want to call it, when this spirit is restored to you, you will be whole again and the madness will be over.

        Think about how familiar this book is. How it fits and aligns itself with what you have always believed deep in your heart. Ask yourself, "What is this book trying to persuade me to do? To stop drinking, using drugs, lying. To be kind to others, say your prayers, read the scriptures. To believe there is hope, there is a way out. It aligns itself with everything you know in the center of your heart is true and right. Ask yourself from what power or source the inspiration for this book comes.

        Now ask yourself why there is a negative slant to every-thing in your head. Why, even though you know all the things I just listed above are good, they somehow rub you the wrong way. And ask yourself what power or source is telling you it will never work.

        Do you begin to get a small glimpse of the kind of spiritual disease alcoholism is? How little by little, degree by degree, everything in your head has been turned around to make good things look bad and bad things look good?

        It's this insane way of looking at the world that is tearing your life apart. The only way to find your way through this mist of confusing thoughts is to tune into the tender light in your heart for direction. The light of Christ will guide you, heal you, and show you the way, one step at a time.

        Gradually, it helped me to stop shading the truth, to stop smoking, to stop saying bad things about other people. When the time was right, it led me to the Church, into my bishop's office, and into the temple to marry my wife for time and eternity. And it led me to write this book to help you.