Chapter 3 - LDS Family Adjusting to Addiction

Hold On To Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families, By Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H. (1996)

        A rather widely accepted notion is that when addiction strikes a family, the surrounding loved ones experience distress as well as the addict. Elder David B. Haight, addressing a United States Senate Sub-Committee Hearing, (in June 1977) on behalf of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, announced, ". . . Conservatively estimating each problem drinker [drug abuser] has a direct impact on the lives of at least four other persons . . ." The LDS Church provides a manual for such families which acknowledges the impact of addiction on the family and includes a unit entitled "The Effects of Alcohol on the Family." The purpose of that unit is . . . to help each family member better understand the destructive process that takes place within a family when one or more of its members has a drinking problem. (Resource Manual for Helping Families with Alcohol Problems p. 41. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

A normal healthy family, (and even families not so normal and healthy) typically adjust to the disease of addiction by developing characteristic behaviors.

        The aim of this chapter is to describe these adaptive behaviors. Most professionals label this adapting process as codependency. The term "codependent" is used because those behaviors exhibited by surrounding loved ones, often depend upon what the addict might or might not do. Codependent behaviors that develop among surrounding loved ones are similar across various substances. To explain, those codependent problems experienced by the spouse of a sex addict would be similar to those problems of a spouse of an alcoholic.

        Codependent behaviors exhibited by surrounding loved ones can be categorized into three groups: Rescuing Behaviors, Persecuting Behaviors, and Suffering Behaviors. Additionally, it seems that LDS families adapt somewhat differently than non-LDS families to the addiction process. These adaptive characteristics occur innocently and slowly over time. The manner in which behaviors of an addict codepend on the behaviors of surrounding loved ones is depicted in the diagram below.   

It is important to note that codependent behaviors are not "right" or "wrong," but are simply how a typical family adjusts to the addiction process. In addition, not all surrounding loved ones will experience all the codependent behaviors, nor will they necessarily progress through the various phases of codependency in the same order.

        Many treatment programs use labels such as "Victim," "Martyr," "Persecutor," "Enabler," or "Co-Alcoholic" to describe codependents. However, rather than using these labels, the term "behaviors" will be used in this book to refer to the family's distress. Each of us is a child of God who has developed certain behaviors in an effort to cope with the addict. These behaviors, like other behaviors, can be changed with God's help.

        The family typically adjusts to the disease of addiction as illustrated on the chart entitled "The LDS Family Adjusting to Addiction" located at the end of this chapter. If family members can recognize these behavior patterns, they will understand more clearly what is happening and make better plans to help themselves and the addict. With that thought in mind, take a closer look at some of these behavior patterns.

Rescuing Behaviors

        It is impossible for addicts in the last stages of addiction to be responsible. Therefore, someone must help them fulfill their responsibilities. Behind every irresponsible substance abuser is a hyper-responsible parent or spouse. Rescuing behaviors are often the first behaviors developed by surrounding loved ones. These behaviors save substance abusers from the immediate consequences of their own substance use. These behaviors include denying, lying, and covering-up.

DENYING
        Denial is a common behavior developed by surrounding loved ones of an addict. Several assumptions follow the admission that a member of the family has a problem with substances. One assumption is the false belief, "If there is a problem with them then there must be a problem with me." In essence, you assume you have failed because they have a problem. If it is your child, then you have failed as a parent. If it is your spouse, then you have failed as a partner. If it is your parent, then you have failed as a child. Much pain, guilt, and confusion come with accepting the truth that a loved one has a substance abuse problem.

        The intensity of denial seems greater with those who are sincerely involved in their religion. The more active a person is in the church, the more difficult it will be for them to work through denial. The Church's manual on alcohol problems states:

Denial is the most serious problem that the . . . family has to overcome before they can begin to help themselves. (Resource Manual for Helping Families with Alcohol Problems p. 5. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Members of the LDS Church tend to be so fearful that substance abuse maybe occurring in their family, that they deny and overlook the clear signs of it. An analogy that helps explain the concept of denial is that of a child who recently went swimming. If that child were standing dripping wet by the swimming pool, wearing a swimming suit, we would not likely ask questions like "Where have you been? What have you been doing?" Codependents, however, often confront addicts when they come home two hours late, with bloodshot eyes, glassy stares, or a strange odor by asking, "Where have you been? What have you been doing?" Perhaps the Golden Question most commonly asked by LDS codependents when alcohol, drugs or paraphernalia are found is "Whose is this?" The substance abuser's Golden Answer is "I'm holding it for a friend." We want to believe their responses, so we continue to rescue them from the consequences of their behavior by denying the obvious and accepting their lies. Often it takes the equivalent of a Grand Jury conviction for an LDS family to admit that a loved one has a substance abuse problem.

INCREASED RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES
        Religious activities often increase during the first stage of codependency. The codependent firmly believes that fasting, prayer, and careful obedience to each of God's commandment will cure the addict. After discovering a family member is using drugs, loved ones often commit to reading the scriptures, going to church, and having family home evening more regularly than ever before. The underlying goal for such behavior appears to be: "Get God to fix the addict."

COVERING-UP
        Covering up is a specific behavior that codependents exhibit to clean up or make things better after the addict has been irresponsible. For example, a wife might call her spouse's work to report him "ill" with the flu, when in reality, he was in bed with a hangover. In an effort to save their child from a police record and horrible experiences in lock-up, parents of an addict will run to the police station to rescue their child. A codependent will clean up the broken glass or hide the empty beer cans to make sure no one finds out. At times a codependent will even miss important church meetings in order to perform the necessary cover-up behaviors.

        A codependent frequently seeks financial assistance by working part-time or soliciting financial help from family, church authorities, or both, in an effort to cover up the financial problems caused by the addict's habits. A codependent often becomes so effective in covering up the consequences of the substance abuse problem that even the addict might very truthfully say, "There's no problem." In other words, even the addict does not realize the problems that he or she might be causing because the codependent has done such a thorough job in covering up.

LYING
        Rescuing behaviors become so intense that codependents will begin to tell "white lies," saying, "It's not that bad," or "I'm fine," or "It's Okay," when confronted by the bishop, home teacher or close friends. In reality, a codependent may have just found a stack of pornographic magazines and a few pornographic videos. This lying process is called "minimization," and it is a rescuing behavior. The lies are typically unintentional and often unnoticed. They are shared with children, neighbors, church leaders, and sadly, with self.

Persecuting Behaviors

Persecuting behaviors comprise the second stage or group of behaviors typically experienced by those close to an addict. Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Council of the Twelve is among the many who have experienced the sad effects of substance abuse. A news article states the following: Dec. 5, 1987.

Today, I Am Angry.

I have just returned from a visit to the St. Marks Hospital in the Salt Lake Valley. Time was spent with an 82-year-old poor widow who had been beaten during the night by a grandson. Her skull was fractured, her right ear was torn so badly plastic surgery was required, her head was so heavily bandaged, I could hardly see her face. The nurse indicated her entire body was aching from pain.

Apparently her grandson had been on drugs most of the day and had gone to her humble apartment to get money to purchase more. When she did not cooperate financially, he physically abused her and fled. (Church News, Week Ending December 26, 1987 pg. 14. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

In this news article the addict appears to be in the third or disease stage of addiction. Elder Ashton momentarily experiences anger because of the addict's violent behavior toward the elderly woman. Anger is the source for most persecuting behaviors. Loved ones become angry because of the abuser's harmful or embarrassing actions. This can lead to great resentment by the addict's family and friends. Persecuting behaviors include nagging, threatening, and blaming. These behaviors become the source of persecution for the substance abuser in attempts by the codependent to control. Unfortunately, the very conservative LDS teachings that instruct the members of the church not to use drugs or pornography tend to set the stage for the development of persecuting behaviors. That is, these religious teachings translate to harsh opinions, labeling, and misunderstandings.

RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES DECREASE
        Increased religious behaviors which are tried by codependents as a rescuing behavior fail. Reality sets in because the addict has continued to abuse substances regardless of the codependent's religious pursuits. The codependent feels that the prayer, fasting, and other religious activities attempted as rescuing behaviors were unsuccessful. The codependent, out of despair, turns away from God to his or her own personal power, returning to the previous level of religious activity. Perhaps this level decreases because "God didn't solve" the problem.

THREATS
        The codependent becomes desperate because all of the attempts to control or fix the addict seem to have failed. He or she may issue a variety of threats during this stage of codependence. These threats are usually extreme in nature. In the case of a spouse, divorce or separation are suggested. Often in the LDS family, threats take the form of laying guilt or shame on the addict in an attempt to force the addict into sobriety. Such threats are unsuccessful because of their extreme nature and the fact that they are seldom implemented.

IRRATIONAL BEHAVIORS
        As the addiction progresses, codependents become increasingly desperate and reach a point where they will try almost anything to control the addiction problem. One active member of the church placed honey in her husband's bedding when he continually came home with pornographic magazines. The wife stated, "I could no longer keep my anger in. I wanted him to feel as miserable as I did." Numerous examples of irrational codependent behavior exist.

Suffering Behaviors

Suffering behaviors make up the third stage of codependence. The persecuting and rescuing behaviors have failed to cure the addict. Elder John K. Carmack, member of the First Quorum of the Seventy, grew up with a brother who was an alcoholic. He recalls part of his story in a pamphlet published by SAVE.

"I didn't realize it then, but looking back now he was probably drinking during those times. He was an alcoholic by the time he was 12 or 13. Most of the time we had a very loving and good relationship. When we lived in Santa Barbara, he seemed to always be away from home. Mother would spend her nights trying to find him. I believe that my mother went prematurely gray trying to handle this son." (By The Things Which They Suffer, SAVE, 1987)

George P. Lee, a former member of the First Quorum of the Seventy and of the LDS Church, also grew up where alcoholism was prevalent. He stated,

"I was witness to the day my three younger brothers began drinking. They were very young then. Not long after this, one of them had too much to drink one cold day. He wandered away from our hogan and never returned. Lonely and helpless, he stumbled around and lost his way in the bitter cold night. The next day he was found frozen. He was just sixteen. How I loved him. How deeply this pierced my soul is beyond what words can describe. I had taken care of him when he was but an infant. I had changed his diapers, fed him, wiped away his tears, and held him. A part of me passed away too." (Like Enos of Old, SAVE, 1987)

These stories illustrate the distress, worry, and suffering often experienced by loved ones of an addict. These behaviors are shown by people who suffer the consequences of the substance abuser's irresponsible actions. Examples of suffering include guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and shame.

GUILT
        Typically, codependents ask themselves what they might have done to cause the substance abuse problem and how they might have prevented it. They might ask themselves, "What did we do wrong?" Often they review every detail of the addict's life. Many families who seek counsel report regular family prayer, regular family home evening, and magnification of church callings, and they still have an addict in their home. They conclude, "We must have failed somewhere." In a codependent's thinking, one plus one is supposed to equal two. That is, if there is an addiction problem then there must be a parent or spouse problem. As a result, codependents feel guilty regardless of whether they find reasonable fault or not.

        In some cases, surrounding loved ones may have indeed made some serious mistakes, particularly those who may have been abusive to their child, either physically or emotionally. Such behaviors certainly can predispose a person to substance abuse. Often at this stage the codependent feels unworthy to maintain a church calling, attend the temple, or even call upon God. They believe they are being justly punished for their sins by having a loved one suffer from addiction. Codependents who are Mormons, carry not only society's "oughts and shoulds," they also add the "oughts and shoulds" of their religion to their already oppressive load. Instead of helping the codependent overcome his oppression, their negative perspective of Christ and of the gospel suppresses them even further. Instead of grace they experience guilt.

DEPRESSION AND DEFEAT
        The end result of suffering behaviors is defeat. Nothing has worked. Prescription drug use and counseling might have been sought by the codependent to deal with the addict. Withdrawal from social activities, excessive worrying, and possible physical ailments begin to occur. Occasional thoughts of death may also exist. One good sister recalled of this stage, "I didn't want to kill myself, but I often wished that my car might hit a telephone pole or something. I couldn't stand the thought of my son being a drug addict and in prison." Codependents acknowledge their powerlessness over their own lives and that of the addict. They experience in a personal way what Christ taught in Matthew 10:36: "And a man's foes [enemies] shall be they of his own household."

LOSS OF PERSONAL FREEDOM
        Juel G., a codependent, explains that codependency is "when you feel responsible for how the addict acts or feels." He goes on to say, "Eventually you are led into bondage." As you assume responsibility for the addict's acts or feelings, the following occurs:

1. You become subject to manipulation or control by the addict.

2. You eliminate yourself as a resource to the addict.

3. You tend to rescue the addict.

4. Your self-esteem goes down.

5. You become depressed and experience mood swings based on the addict's behaviors.

6. You interfere with God's great gift of Free Agency and the Law of Justice.

7. You are not free to act for yourself!

As a codependent becomes entangled in the addict's web of needs, freedom is lost. President Marion G. Romney states:

Man cannot be an agent unto himself unless he is self-reliant. Independence and self-reliance are critical factors in our spiritual growth. Whenever our self-reliance is threatened, our freedom is threatened as well. The more dependent we become, the less freedom we have to act. (Melchizedek Priesthood Personal Study Guide 1989, pg. 107, emphasis added. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        As codependents come to understand the powerful dynamics of codependency, they will begin to see how their good intentions and forced solutions produce few positive results, and usually enable the addict to rationalize and continue using substances. Codependents believe they are cut off from God through embarrassment, deprivation, shame, pride, grief, and other feelings that emerge as symptoms of codependence.

        Family and friends become codependent as their feelings and actions increasingly depend on what the substance abuser does or doesn't do. Gradually, codependents lose control over their own emotions and behavior, and they deal with the substance abuser by adapting and exhibiting the behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering. Codependency is at its strongest when loved ones become so preoccupied and worried about working out the salvation of the addict, that their own salvation is neglected and jeopardized. In the end, everyone becomes his or her own problem. Codependents can learn to become responsible to each other, instead of responsible for each other. Eventually, the codependent can acknowledge that they didn't cause the addiction, they can't cure the addiction, and that they can't control the addiction. This acknowledgement is accomplished by the codependent learning how to love the addict as God loves him.