Hold On To Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families, By Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H. (1996)

     The codependent behaviors discussed in Chapter Three are viewed as common behaviors exhibited by codependents adjusting to addiction. Some surrounding loved ones adjust to the disease of addiction by manifesting these behaviors to display, to the best of their ability, their love toward the addict. These codependents are usually trying to do what they believe is right. Simply stated, they are doing the best they can with what resources and knowledge they have available. After all, they are not trained addiction specialists. The next chapters offer some information and suggestions about how to replace the codependent behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering with more effective demonstrations of love.
        Everyone has asked themselves at one time or another what is the greatest goal man can achieve. Of all the wonderful things life has to offer which is the supreme gift? Which one ought to be our eternal pursuit? The world might have us believe money, power, and riches are respectable final tributes to take home to our God. Religion might suggest that going to church every Sunday, dressed in Sunday best, is our ultimate aspiration, or to be perfect in faith, service, repentance, and knowledge. Well, if we believe these gifts are the greatest, we are wrong. The scriptures are very clear in identifying the greatest achievement any of us can pursue: LOVE.
        Learning how to love the unlovable is essential if you live with an addict. Throughout the scriptures, great significance is placed on love. In 1 Nephi 11:22 the Tree of Life is described as "the most desirable above all things" and means the "Love of God." Peter says, "Above all things have fervent charity among yourselves" (1 Peter 4:8). Remember the profound remark that Paul makes: "Love is the fulfilling of the law" (Romans 13:10). The Lord tells us in Galatians 5:14: "For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Additionally, in the New Testament John says, "God is Love" (1 John 4:8).
        The most effective and total intervention strategy, one that never fails, is charity. The scriptures tell us that "charity never faileth" (Moroni 7:46). That is, if one wants to help someone such as an addict who has strayed from the path, the best thing he or she can do is learn to "love as God loves." Charity and loving as God loves are synonymous and the best solution to intervening with an addict comes when you use God's kind of love.
        Volumes could be written on learning to love as God loves. Codependency is Satan's counterfeit form of God's love. If we are to overcome codependency, we must replace it with God's kind of love. There are many characteristics of God's love, but three seem vital in recovering from codependence. The following pages discuss these attributes, the first of which is Self-Love.
        The final stage of codependence is represented with suffering behaviors. These are displayed by people who suffer the consequences of the addict's irresponsible actions. Remember, suffering behaviors include guilt, inadequacy, unworthiness, and shame. Frequently, such behaviors lead to the continued misuse of substances by the addict and further loss of self-esteem for loved ones. Recovery starts when the persons who play supporting roles of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering begin to respond with self-love. Self-love is an initial and critical attitude for codependents to develop.
        The behavior of focusing on one's self is for many members of the LDS Church very difficult to accept and even more difficult to perform. Often loved ones say such things as, "Isn't it wrong to love yourself? Are not self-love and selfishness the same? I feel guilty if I do things for myself. I thought I was responsible for the addict's recovery." Self-love must replace the suffering behaviors if codependents are to begin recovery and be helpful to the addict in any fashion.

Hidden Treasures
        So valuable is love that the Lord has intentionally hidden some of its characteristics. Throughout time, Christ has hidden treasures from the Saints. He requires us to "seek" them if we are to have them. The idea of "hidden treasures" is suggested by a scripture found in D&C 89:19: "And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures . . ." The most obvious example of hiding knowledge occurs in the New Testament when Christ uses parables. There are some parts to the Gospel that we can only understand if we "seek" by keeping the commandments and feasting upon the words of Christ. A correct understanding of self-love is one of those hidden treasures. The following can help you find this hidden gift.

The Love Formula
        Loving your neighbor as yourself is a principle taught in many scriptures, including Matthew 19:19, Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 22:39, Mark 12:30,31, Romans 13:9, Galatians 5:14, James 2:8, D&C 59:6, and D&C 112:11. Mark's version says this:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12: 30-31).

As illustrated below, the Lord is teaching us in this scripture that there are three commandments telling us who to love.

1. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God.
2. Thou shalt love thy neighbor.

And the hidden treasure:

3. Thou shalt love thy self.

        Part of the "Love Formula" suggests that the love we have for our neighbor should be patterned after the love we have for ourselves, ". . .love thy neighbor as thyself." That is, the way in which we love ourselves should be the "blueprint" or "model" for which we love our neighbor or brother. This scripture also assumes that one already has love for themselves. In 1 John 4:20-21, we learn another element of the Love Formula that suggests to love God we must love our neighbor first.

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

        If we examine the Love Formula carefully one gets the feeling that an essential ingredient before one can love God is to love self. In review, the cornerstone for the Love Formula is loving self. The next step is patterning one's love for his neighbor after this love for self. Finally, after learning to love our neighbor, and only after, are we capable of loving God! If the Love Formula is true how important is it for us to have a wholesome self-esteem and love for ourselves?
        In the play Hamlet (Hamlet, Act I, sc. 3.), Shakespeare has his character Polonius saying to his son Laertes, "This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." The Golden Rule also teaches about using self-love as a model to loving others, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." One might ask, "How do I really live the Golden Rule?" Do you really "love yourself" as well or as effectively as you love your neighbor or your God, as is suggested in the Love Formula? Often, Mormons forget this great principle and end up "loving" their neighbor, family, or spouse at the expense of "loving themselves." In your thoughts are you making many negative self comments? Many members of the LDS Church equate humility with self-degradation. For example, if someone says, "You gave a good talk," you reply: "Oh, no, I didn't. It was nothing." One might believe the way to obtain humility is by continually running one's self down. It is a blessing that some of us don't love our neighbor as we do ourselves because our homes and our neighborhoods would be much worse. Our families and communities would be flooded with negative and rude statements.

Consisting in caring unduly or supremely to one's self; it is one of the lusts of the flesh which must be overcome. A selfish person clings to his own comfort, advantage, or position at the expense of others.

We are commanded to repent from such pride, selfishness, and narcissism.
           Selfless example: Codependence is the other extreme of self-love. It is a wicked form of loving others. It occurs when one becomes so preoccupied about working out another's salvation that one's own salvation becomes neglected or jeopardized. A personal experience can teach this idea. As a psychologist, I often have the opportunity to be in psychiatric wards. I recall one occasion when a good member of the church was hospitalized. The referring psychiatrist described her as having so overextended herself in serving others that she had experienced what many would call a "nervous breakdown." I arrived at the hospital early Saturday morning and began to look for this patient. She wasn't in her room or on the wing. As I poked my head into her assigned room all I saw was a small pile of what appeared to be dirty laundry on her bed. I asked at the nurse's desk and discovered that this good sister was across the hall doing the laundry of fellow patients. This Relief Society sister always went the "extra mile" no matter what her personal circumstances. If the Bishop needed her to visit someone or do something, she was always there. She would leave her home immediately when called upon, whether eating dinner with her family, reading her scriptures, or even while praying. Even while in the hospital, she was found doing the laundry of other patients while her own laundry was left undone. This sister truly lost herself in the service of others. Perhaps the Self-Love Meter on the next page can help you in distinguishing between the two extremes of self-love.

Somewhere between narcissism and codependence is a healthy kind of self-love. Elder Dean L. Larsen states,

We are like all others in some respects, each of us is unique. There has never been anyone exactly like you. There never will be. Never will anyone possess your special individuality and your particular possibilities . . . It is necessary to accept ourselves with a self-love that is neither vain nor selfish, but rather one that is tolerant and understanding, one that we might feel toward an old friend . . . Part of enduring to the end is related to our attitudes toward ourselves. When we have a high enough regard for ourselves, we can overcome setbacks and still go forward. ("The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom," Feb. 1986, The New Era, pg.3, emphasis added. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        A healthy self-love is neither selfish nor selfless. There is a widespread belief, that while it is virtuous to love others, it is sinful to love one's self. It is assumed by many that the degree to which people love themselves directly reflects how much they do not love others. Many believe self-love is the same as selfishness, and we, as members of the church must avoid all types of self-love. This is not true! It is interesting that the Book of Mormon uses the word "esteem" instead of "love." The idea of esteem is taught clearly in Mosiah 27:4: "That every man should esteem his neighbor as himself . . ." For some of us it is perhaps easier to work toward "esteeming" ourselves than "loving" ourselves." Whatever the term used, "esteem" or "love," the process of respecting self is essential to begin the process of recovery.
        The love for one's self is inseparably connected with the love for any other being, including God, as is suggested by the Love Formula. The attribute of love taught by this formula is, "One's love for others and God rarely rises above one's love for self." This hidden treasure suggests that it is as important a commandment to "love thyself" as it is to "love thy God" and "love thy neighbor." It appears one cannot love one's neighbor, spouse, children, or God more than one loves one's self (1 John 4:20-21). Romans 14:22, encourages us by saying: "Hast thou faith? Have it to thyself before God . . ."

Emotional and Spiritual Self-Reliance
        In 1990 the LDS Church published a welfare manual entitled Providing in the Lord's Way. This document "Explains the way the Lord has revealed for His saints to care for themselves . . ." and suggests that ". . . we cannot give what we do not have" (pg. 1). President Kimball goes on to explain the principle of self-reliance:

The responsibility for each person's social, emotional, spiritual, physical, or economic well-being rests first upon himself . . . No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family's well-being to someone else. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Lord and with his own labors, he will supply himself and his family with the spiritual and temporal necessities of life. (In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, p. 124; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, pp 77-78. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

The importance of self-reliance is a cornerstone of understanding both our religion and recovering from codependence.

There is much talk of governmental or other organized provisions for our wants, material and spiritual, when in reality our greatest needs must be satisfied with ourselves. To lean upon others for support enfeebles the soul. By self-effort man will attain his highest destiny. It cannot be placed as a cape upon his shoulders by others. Upon his own feet he must enter into the Kingdom of God whether on heaven or earth. By conquest of self he must win his own place in the everlasting glory of God's presence. (Elder Melvin J. Ballard , Sermons and Missionary Services of M.J. Ballard. 1949, page 136. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Notice in the first quotation that President Kimball speaks of emotional and spiritual welfare on an equal level with temporal welfare. In addition, Elder Ballard clearly lists spiritual needs with material ones. As members of the church, we can easily understand the importance of being temporally self-reliant. But can we equally understand the importance of emotional and spiritual self-reliance? The idea of temporal self-reliance is simple. The more financially reliant we are on others, the less freedom we have to spend our money on what we want. If I have $20 given to me as a gift and have $400 worth of bills how much freedom do I have to spend the $20? If I have no food storage and a large earthquake occurs how much freedom do I have to eat? Welfare principles apply to both spiritual and emotional preparedness.
      Jethro teaching Moses. If I have invested all my esteem, my love, my time and my effort in working out or worrying about someone else's salvation, how much time and energy do I have left to work out my own? In Exodus 18, the Lord teaches this principle to Moses. The story begins with Jethro, Moses' father-in-law, bringing Moses' wife and sons to meet him. While visiting Jethro, Moses' father-in-law becomes aware of Moses' codependency.

And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses sat to judge the people: and the people stood by Moses from the morning unto the evening. And when Moses' father in law saw all that he did to the people he said, What is this thing that thou doest to the people? Why sittest thou thyself alone, and all the people stand by thee from morning unto even? And Moses said unto his father in law, Because the people come unto me to enquire of God; When they have a matter they come unto me; and I judge between one and another, and I do make them know the statues of God, and his laws. (Exodus 18: 13-16)

        One might wonder, "What is Jethro worried about? Isn't Moses doing the Lord's work from sun up to sun down? What more can one do? Surely God would approve of such behavior?" Jethro, being inspired of the Lord counsels Moses:

And Moses' father in law said unto him, the thing that thou does is not good. Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee: for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou are not able to perform it thyself alone. (Exodus 18: 17-18)

        Jethro recognized that Moses would eventually "wear away" if he continued doing everything himself. Perhaps he might of ended up having a "nervous breakdown" like the Relief Society sister discussed earlier. Jethro instructed Moses to appoint lesser judges and to delegate power to them. Then Jethro gave Moses a promise:

If thou shalt do this thing, and God command thee so, then thou shalt be able to endure, and all this people shall also go to their place in peace. (Exodus 18:23)

        An important component of self-love is taking time to be emotionally self-reliant. Ask yourself, "What would happen to my emotional stability if my spouse sought a divorce? Will I be emotionally self-reliant and survive this hardship? Will I have a nervous breakdown? What if a loved one abuses alcohol or drugs? Do I have enough spiritual and emotional self-reliance to continue working out my own salvation?" These are questions we should ask ourselves to find out the extent of our emotional and spiritual preparedness.
        Personal salvation. As the Apostle Paul counseled us in Phillipians 2:12, ". . . Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." I know of no place in LDS doctrine where a son or daughter of God is asked to sacrifice his or her personal salvation for another. We may be asked to sacrifice our time, property, money, and even our lives, but not our personal salvation. Remember, codependency occurs when a person becomes so focused upon or preoccupied with working out another person's salvation that his or her own salvation becomes neglected and jeopardized. Abraham labored that his own father would overcome transgression. Despite his best efforts, his father turned to idolatry. Had Abraham let that proper concern for a father consume his every thought, he could not have received this promise: "In thy seed shall all the kindreds of the earth be blessed " (3 Nephi 20:25). Where might we be now if Abraham had been codependent and did not obtain his personal exaltation because he was too busy working out his father's exaltation?
        In Galatians 6:4-5 we read, "But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For every man shall bear his own burden." President Romney reiterates this simple concept:

Let us be self-reliant and independent. Salvation can be obtained on no other principle. Salvation is an individual matter, and we must work out our own salvation, in temporal as well as in spiritual things. (Marion G. Romney, Ensign, November 1976, p. 124. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Juel G., a codependent, states: "You are responsible for your ability to love, but not for the outcome of another's life." He goes on to say that the outcome of the addict's life must be dependent on his or her choices and responses. A parent or spouse who prays, goes to church, pays tithing, has family home evening, and obeys all the other commandments has only one guarantee: that they have become a perfect parent or spouse, not that they will necessarily have perfect children or a perfect marriage partner. Another way to view this idea in relationship to a marriage partner is to remember: It is your primary responsibility to be a celestial mate, not to make your mate celestial. The scripture in Mark 8:36 states, "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

How Does One Develop Self-Love?

1. Spend time alone
        One must take time to be alone to develop self-love. In Matthew 7:3 Jesus said: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" Codependents must focus on the "beam" in their own lives before various strategies and interventions aimed toward the "mote" in the addict's life will be effective. Each of us needs to understand that our priority is to return to our Heavenly Father and make the necessary changes in our life to do just that. In part, this is done by taking time to be alone. Each codependent must become sufficiently self-reliant to work out his or her personal salvation privately, as Joseph Smith did in the Sacred Grove, as Moses did on Mount Sinai, as Enos did in the forest, and as Christ did in the wilderness. If our personal "spirituality bucket," is empty, what can we offer those around us who are in need of "living water?"
        It is difficult to make time for ourselves in such a busy world. The needs of church, our children, and our spouses can be demanding. In order to be alone, at times important tasks will have to be postponed or even left undone. Imagine the kinds of activities that might have been left undone by Moses when he went alone to Mount Sinai leaving the Israelites behind. If Moses had remained with the Israelites would they have begun worshiping idols? Using Christ as another example, might have someone benefitted from a blessing while Christ was in the desert alone for 40 days and nights? However inconvenient, these absences, (when individuals took time to be alone and with God) benefitted the entire human race in ways that can't be measured.
        Perhaps the best scriptural example illustrating the importance of being alone is found in Matthew 14:13-23. Here disciples tell Jesus that John the Baptist has been beheaded ". . .When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a desert place apart. . ." The people heard where Jesus was going and they followed him by the thousands. Jesus ministered unto the 5,000 "beside women and children" and fed them. After the miracle of feeding the onlookers, the scriptures tell us:

And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away. And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray; and when the evening was come, he was there alone. (Matthew 14:22,23; emphasis added)

        The meaning is not clear but it almost seems as if Jesus had not finished sorting out His questions and feelings about John the Baptist's death. He arranged things so that He could be alone. At times each of us "must send the multitudes away" to pray and sort through things alone.
        Spending time alone with yourself and occasionally doing things for yourself are essential in developing self-love. Begin to spend a few minutes a day by yourself away from the TV, the radio, and others. Take this time to think and feel. Perhaps taking a walk around the block or simply locking the door to your bedroom will do. This time could be spent praying or fasting, or you could do something purely fun, just for you. If possible make one thing you do something physical. This does not mean housework. Codependents can easily find ways to continue their roles as caretakers. Don't add any more "shoulds" to your life.
        For many codependents the guilt associated with spending time alone and caring for themselves will make this assignment nearly impossible to complete. However, continue your efforts in hope. If time alone is spent effectively, someday you can find the "hidden treasure" YOU! You will become acquainted with your inner feelings, your aspirations, and the blessings promised you in your patriarchal blessing. God wants it this way. Only Satan would have you believe it is a sin to work out your own salvation and return to Heavenly Father.

2. Set Priorities
        As one spends time alone, feelings and thoughts naturally occur. Many activities and duties may leap into your mind. The second suggestion in developing self-love is ranking these many obligations. Learning to set priorities is essential for the codependent. No member of the church can fulfill 100 percent of each commandment simultaneously. One cannot be actively involved with missionary work for the living and the dead simultaneously. If I'm at the temple doing an endowment, I can't be at the genealogy building doing my five-generation sheets, or at my neighbors' doing home teaching, or at home helping my daughter with her algebra. A priority list must be made, and some important "required" things will be left undone. You may gain some insight by reading the following quotation from Brigham Young.

Were I to draw a distinction in all the duties that are required of the children of men, from first to last, I would place first and foremost the duty of seeking unto the Lord our God until we open the paths of communications from Heaven to Earth from God to our own. (Melchizedek Priesthood Manual 1991, pg 65. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Often we may be forced to choose from our "required" duties of where to spend our time and energy. As mentioned none of us have the time or energy in a day to do all that is required of us. President Young very clearly says that maintaining personal communication with our Heavenly Father outweighs other items identified on the Mormon "to do lists." Flight attendants instruct us that in case of an emergency, we should put on our "own oxygen masks first" before helping others with theirs. In the same way, our Heavenly Father expects us to have a flow of our own "spiritual air" before we attempt to help others. (Elder Thomas Fyans, AMCAP Conference, Oct. 5, 1984).

And if it so be that you shall labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! (D&C 18:15)

        Many believe that the "one soul" referred to in this scripture is the neighbor or the nonmember whom we fellowship into the church. It seems that our loving God would be very disappointed if we selected someone else to be the "one soul" saved. If you are forced to save only one person, that person should surely be you! Remember, the error isn't that you are performing Christlike behaviors and taking care of "others." The error is you do it at the risk of neglecting yourself. Our number one responsibility is to see that we are converted, and then we can work to convert others. Elder Richard G. Scott says,

Now, the most important principle I can share: Anchor your life in Jesus Christ your redeemer. Make your Eternal Father and his Beloved Son the most important priority in your life, more important than life itself, more important than a beloved companion or children or anyone on earth. Make their will [Eternal Father and His Beloved Son] your central desire. Then all that you need for happiness will come to you. (Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1993, pgs 32-34. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

3. Find a friend
        Attempt to identify and become involved with support resources early during recovery. A codependent cannot overcome the grasp of codependency without a support system. The powers of addiction are just too strong to escape them without help. Effective support resources should remind codependents of their divinity, eternal perspective, and self-worth, as the going gets tough in recovery. Codependents can apply some of what they learn on their own. However, the typical addict presents himself with too much deception and manipulation. Initially, the codependent has too little objectivity and esteem to deal with the addict alone. So find a friend. Obvious friends include our Heavenly Father and the scriptures. Less obvious but helpful supports might come from a trusted friend, appropriate priesthood leader or sister, support groups such as Al-Anon or SAVE. In addition, many find literature relating to the topic of codependence helpful. A periodic report to that support resource will be essential in developing and maintaining spirituality and faith in yourself.
        Generally individuals should have as many support resources as possible. There is no shortage in support groups to attend or good literature to read, and close friends to call upon.

4. See yourself as God sees you
        One final suggestion for developing self-love is to see you as God sees you. The Love Formula discussed earlier suggests this process. Simply love yourself the same way God loves you. John 13:34 reads, "That ye love one another; as I have loved you." Might we add this? "That ye love yourself; as He has loved you."
        We ought to see ourselves similarly to how God sees himself: with respect, esteem, and love. When God describes himself, he exhibits a healthy self-esteem. In Moses 1:3, he says, "And God spake unto Moses saying, Behold, I am the Lord God Almighty, and endless is my name for I am without beginning of days or end of years . . ." Perhaps a personal equivalent of this message could be borrowed from the LDS Young Women's Value and Definition. Behold I am a child of God. . . "I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill."
        Make every effort to see yourself as God might see you. Treat yourself the way God or Christ, your older brother, would treat you if they were to visit you today. Many members of the church feel that to take time for themselves or to feel good about themselves is sinful. God gave you life, gave you His Only Begotten Son, arranged for life on this planet, and gave you a body and talents, for which He will someday return to ask an accounting. Those talents include your ability to maintain your sanity and serenity. You, personally, will be the one asked to give an accounting for these things. Accept the challenge of loving yourself as God loves you. There is a spark of divinity in each of us. Satan rejoices when he and his armies can influence us to darken our own divine spark by our questioning, condemning, and overly criticizing our worth and potential as God's children. As stated in Romans 14:22, ". . .Happy is he who condemeth not himself. . ."
      God's love. God's love for you and your worth as a daughter or son of God will never be questioned, at least not by Him. Paul clearly identifies in Romans 8: 35, 38-39 the extent of Christ's love for you.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

        Christ's love for the codependent shall not be hampered by the behavior of an addict. However, it can be hampered by the codependent's suffering behaviors of low self-esteem and low self-love. That is, at times the love of others, including the love of Christ, cannot be experienced by a codependent, though Christ extends it. This occurs because the codependent is in the depths of suffering and refuses to open his or her heart to anyone's love. The codependent simply believes he or she is unworthy of love. Replacing suffering behaviors with self-love is an essential first step in recovery.

Roadblocks
        Those who can't. Sometimes, developing self-love may be difficult, if not impossible, because of personal problems. Personal problems might include not having resolved early childhood issues of your own (i.e. Adult Children of Alcoholic), a troubled marriage, or perhaps even mental illness. If such is the case, a consultation with a local professional counselor might prove very helpful. Finally, there are some who will never be able to obtain this self-love through no fault of their own and despite their personal efforts. Some types of mental illness are so encompassing and deceiving that self-love in this life may never be achieved.
        Satan's counterfeit. Surely Satan will pervert and create opposition in all things including self-love. Narcissism and codependence are Satan's distortions of God's self-love. While prophesying about the apostasy in the last days, Paul described about 20 behaviors that man will exhibit before the Second Coming. The first is that man will become "lovers of their own selves. ". . .That in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves . . ." (2 Timothy 3:1-2). Why did Paul first list this sin? Many prophets, including President Kimball, have frequently admonished us against pride. Why are selfishness and pride such horrible sins? Developing God's kind of self-love requires us to discern the difference between Satan's version and God's version. Understanding self-love in a personal way requires a searching, fearless effort to find the "hidden treasure" of God's kind of love. Each of us must be very careful to develop the healthy kind of self-love as suggested by the Self-Love Meter rather than Satan's counterfeit.

Love Attribute #1: One's love for others and God rarely rises above one's love for self.

Scripture: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. Mark 12: 30-31

THE MAN IN THE GLASS

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for the day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your parents or children or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back in the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum
And call you a wonderful guy
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind the rest
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass
But your final reward is heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.