Hold On To Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families, By Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H. (1996)

    There is a book entitled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum. If there were an LDS version of this book, it would be, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Primary. Or, "Much of What I Need to Know to Make it into the Celestial Kingdom I Learned in Primary." The 12-step recovery groups have a saying. It is "keep it simple." This chapter brings together the three attributes of God's kind of love in a simple understandable fashion.

Strategies
        By now you have some understanding of addiction, codependence, and the three attributes of God's kind of love. Together, these various attributes of love establish a plan of how to relate to the addict "just for today."
        A reader of the Book of Mormon might ask, "Why did Mormon use so much valuable space on the gold plates to record military action and battle strategy?" One explanation might be that the war stories contain useful information about how Satan and his forces operate. The record also describes inspired strategies for defending ourselves against this evil. Seemingly insignificant military details reveal valuable advice when one recognizes that the stories apply to the war against evil today. (Kathleen S. McConkie, "Defending Against Evil," Ensign, Jan 1992, p. 19.)
        In Alma 43:30, Captain Moroni and his generals are fighting Zerahemnah and the Lamanite army. In this scripture, Moroni talks about the appropriate use of "stratagem" in defending the Nephites.

And he [Moroni] also knowing that it was the only desire of the Nephites to preserve their lands, and their liberty, and their church, therefore he thought it no sin that he should defend them by stratagem . . . (Alma 43:30, emphasis added)

     This scripture says that under particular circumstances, the use of "stratagem" might be an appropriate measure acceptable to our Heavenly Father in defending certain rights. Moroni identifies the circumstances for the appropriate use of stratagem, which are preserving land, liberty, and church. Countless examples show how Satan's use of addiction can literally destroy any of these. A few stories are shared below.

Lands
        An LDS woman who had been married fifteen years called her counselor for an emergency appointment. At the very moment of this appointment her husband was at home drunk, and their home and property were being repossessed. Horrified at the prospect of losing "everything," she began to share her husband's story. He had progressed through the various stages of alcoholism over the years. First, he had been self-employed and lost their business. Financial problems and alcohol use followed. Eventually, she had to find a job to support the family while he "sat home and drank." Unable to financially care for their three children and pay all the bills, she fell behind on the house payment. For the past several months her husband had been unemployed, at home, and drinking. As she discussed the situation, obviously any intervention was too late. Alcohol had robbed this good sister of her home, her property, her "lands."

Liberty
        A single LDS parent shares her personal experiences. With tears in her eyes she shows a ring of a dozen or more keys. She relates the anguish caused by her teenage son, who has been abusing drugs and alcohol for nearly three years. Over the months she has resorted to putting everything of value under lock and key within her own home. She describes how her home has locks on every door, how she has to constantly be careful about leaving her purse unguarded. Her son steals from her to get money for drugs and alcohol. At the very moment she is relating this story, she expresses a fear about what her son might be doing at home. She worries: "Will he pick the lock on my bedroom door again? Will he find the tithing money?" Even while she sleeps, she is frightened that her son will sneak in and take money from the purse she hides beneath her pillow. For months she claims no relief from the fear. Often she remains at the house to guard her home and property when she really wants to be somewhere else. Alcohol and drugs have robbed this good mother of her personal freedom and "liberty."

Church
        A brother who has served as a Bishop twice, as a High Councilor, and as a professional counselor shares his story. This faithful man tells how he was "twisted" because of feelings associated with his teenage son's sexual addiction. At times the guilt, the worries, and the emotional strain of having a teenage sex addict would interfere with his spiritual activities. His son's addiction interfered with his father going to the temple, teaching priesthood classes, and maintaining family togetherness. In a very direct way, the father often felt unworthy to perform church callings because of the shame and guilt of having an addict as a son. He had allowed his son's pornography use to directly interfere with his personal church and spiritual growth.
        As Moroni defended the Nephites with the use of stratagem, codependents must be willing to use stratagem to preserve their lands, liberty, and church. The battle against one of Satan's greatest tools, addiction, will not be won with halfhearted efforts.

How Does One Develop Strategies?

1. Detaching is essential
        Detaching from the chaos and negative emotions of an addict is essential in developing a strategy. The key to "detaching" from the addict is to "attach" oneself to a higher power. Getting angry and being resentful about someone else's behavior ought to remind us that "this isn't between the addict and me, but rather between God and me." When your spouse eats more sweets than you would like or your son is more sexually active than you would prefer anger should not result. If threats, yelling, or hate results because of someone else's behavior then codependency has occurred and powerlessness has set in. You have now committed a sin. Your behavior including your temper, lack of patience, and inability to love your enemy are issues that should be dealt with between God and you.
        Sin against God and Heavens. The key to detaching is to realize those codependent behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering are between you and God, not between you and the addict. Whether it appears you are offending the addict or someone else is not the most important issue. Your misbehavior is between you and God. The following are some scriptural examples of how sin is a personal issue.

And it came to pass after these things, that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master's wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee. Because thou art his wife; how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (Genesis 39:7-9, emphasis added)

        You would think that Joseph would be offending Potiphar or Potiphar's wife if he had an affair. But the scripture suggests that Joseph was most concerned about what the sin would do to his relationship with his God. Joseph wasn't worried about earthly consequences, such as going to prison. He knew the greater punishment would come from God and he was able to apply "Principle before Personality." That is, because of his relationship with God, he placed the principle of honesty and integrity above the personality of Potiphar and his wife.
        This brings us to a final discussion of the Prodigal Son. After all his "riotous living," and after he "came to himself," who was the Prodigal Son worried about offending? During that long journey home to his father, what could have been going on in the son's mind? One might think the great offense was against his father and his family. But the son says, "I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven . . ." (Luke 15:18, emphasis added.)
        Again it is clear that when we transgress we sin "against heaven." We should, as the Prodigal Son, evaluate our behaviors against heaven and God. This idea of "the problem being between you and God" allows the codependent to detach from the binding cords of codependence and focus on what matters most, following Christ. Placing Christ at the center of our lives brings proper perspective to our relationships. Viewing our behaviors as they offend or please Christ is a key to changing that perspective. A couple of scriptural examples emphasize the importance of being "Christ-dependent" and not "Others-dependent."

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance for ye serve the Lord Christ. (Colossians 3: 23 and 24)

And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead. (Matthew 8:21 and 22)

        The primary reason for our existence is to follow Christ. If certain behaviors prevent us from walking on our own two feet back to our Heavenly Father, then codependency has occurred and needs to be resolved. Detaching from the addict is extremely difficult to do, especially if he or she has just embarrassed you, hurt you, or stolen from you. But keep in mind that what is most important to your salvation is what you do regardless of the addict's behavior. Codependent can measure the level of her recovery by discovering her ability to act and to feel according to her relationship with God, whatever the addict's behavior. Achieving some level of detachment allows the codependent to add the additional ingredients to an effective strategy.

2. Hold frequent strategy sessions
        Holding frequent strategy sessions is essential to developing strategies. Once a certain level of detachment is obtained, the "generals" must meet to make a plan. For Moroni, the plan was developed and executed by himself, his Heavenly Father, generals and soldiers. Part of his plan included where to hide his armies and how to trap the enemy. For codependents, the plan should be developed by those "selected generals" who surround the addict. Codependents need to identify which "generals" should be involved in the strategy sessions. One should invite only those who will be effective generals to the strategy meetings.
        Successful strategies include the demonstration of the three attributes of love, namely self-love, unconditional love and tough love. These attributes may be viewed as essential tools necessary to fight a battle as powerful as addiction. Certainly a general would prefer to have the Army, the Navy and the Air Force on his or her side if possible. In a similar fashion, the codependent needs access to all three attributes of love.

3. Balance Tough Love and Unconditional Love
        Assuming the generals have been identified and detachment has occurred, the strategy begins by having loved ones effectively balance intervention behaviors with tough love and unconditional love. Tough love and unconditional love are eternal principles that need to be carefully balanced on the principle of self-love. The disciplinary activity of tough love must take place within the framework of unconditional love. Doing this is often difficult for codependents because they view these roles as contradictory. An illustration showing how tough love and unconditional love work together appears below.
        D&C 121:43 suggests that we should not only unconditionally love our enemies, but we should actually show an "increase of love" toward them after they have offended us.

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.(D&C 121:43)

        As introduced in this scripture, there are at least two ways to have "power and influence" over another. The first, is by "reproving betimes with sharpness," which could be interpreted as using tough love. The second way is by showing an "increase of love," which is exhibiting unconditional love. One method alone typically does not produce change. The Lord used the word "and," not "or," when instructing us in this scripture. Each type of love is essential in making a successful strategy for change.
        Some codependents do a terrific job "reproving," or showing tough love. Some have even attended nationally organized Tough Love support groups. One LDS couple had attended some Tough Love groups and then emptied their teen's room of clothes, bed and stereo for breaking agreements made in behavior-change contracts. These parents were left feeling desperate because their teen was still "delinquent." They had nothing left to take away. The bedroom was empty and nothing had worked. The mother was very concerned because her son was now throwing a dart at her picture on his bedroom door. In essence, the teen "esteemed the parents to be enemies," in part because they neglected to show the "increase of love" with their toughness. The prophet Brigham Young once counseled, "Never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up." (Journal of Discourses, 9:124-25)

Balancing Tough Love and Unconditional Love
        As you develop your strategy, carefully think through every possibility, including both tough love and safe love behaviors. As discussed in Chapter Eight, safe love is a behavior most of us will begin to exhibit. At this point the codependent is healthier than the addict and more willing to act. Therefore, it makes good sense for codependents to make certain critical decisions rather than wait and hope while all around them is destroyed. Take care to see you are not like certain codependents who seem to need approval from the addict for their interventions prior to the implementation of even the simplest strategies. For example, a 45-year-old father, who has displayed success as an attorney and church leader, asked a 14-year-old addict, "What are we going to do with you?" The addict was under the influence of marijuana at the time. Even more amazing is that the same capable father often waited until he received some kind of permission from his 14-year-old before action was taken.
        Unconditional love is more powerful than tough love. Remember, loving unconditionally is more powerful than carrying out tough love. To forgive is more powerful than to punish. Christ, who has all power, forgave the woman who committed adultery. Why is that? Love and forgiveness are very influential sources of power. Forgiveness is only forgiveness when the codependent has the power to punish and hurt but chooses not to. When unconditional love is woven with tough love, it becomes a mighty offense.

4. Learn general principles; apply specific strategies
        A codependent should understand the difference between learning about correct general principles of love and applying specific strategies. Thus far, we have discussed three correct and general principles that can help codependents deal more effectively with themselves and the addicts. It would be impossible to specifically say what a codependent should or shouldn't do in any given circumstance. This book stresses specific applications of principles that can only be done individually, in stratagem sessions, when unique circumstances are considered.
        Applying the principle of tough love may be more appropriate at times than applying the principle of unconditional love, and vice versa. Elders Pinegar and Featherstone both had fathers with drinking problems. Elder Featherstone's parents divorced, Elder Pinegar's did not. Today, both are admired general authorities. What may have been a correct specific application of unconditional love in Elder Pinegar's situation may have been in error for the Featherstone family. In the Book of Mormon the righteous often defend their families and their lives through war. However, the people of Ammon would rather have ". . . sacrifice[d] their lives than even to take the life of their enemy; and they . . . buried their weapons of war deep in the earth, because of their love towards their brethren" (Alma 26:32). The principle of "thou shalt not kill" is a correct principle, but Nephi was specifically commanded to kill King Laban.
        How do codependents know when to apply tough love and when to apply unconditional love? Peace of mind comes when you know you are doing the right thing for the right reason. Once self-love is established, be receptive to inspiration and acknowledge personal judgment for specific guidance.
The Lord says:

For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness. (D&C 58:26,27, emphasis added)

        The Lord goes on to say, "For the power is in them . . ." (D&C 58:28). Joseph Smith taught a similar concept. He said "I teach people correct principles and they govern themselves" (Journal of Discourses 10: 57-58). Remember, the Lord is not likely to command and inspire you on each strategy. Often, He will hold on to you with an open hand and allow you to guide your own life according to the principles and wisdom you have obtained.

Hints For Effective Strategies

Proper assessment of severity
        Part of a good strategy requires loved ones to make a judgment about the addict's stage of addiction. The graph below roughly outlines the various stages of addiction. Similar stages exist for all addictions, including addictions for sex, gambling, food, etc. More detailed information on assessing the degree of abuse can be obtained from a local alcohol and drug treatment center, mental health center or library.

/            No Use               /                Experimental                 /              Problematic              /                 Addictive              /

        Strategies to match the severity. Don't wait until the disease has progressed to the most severe level of addictive use. Select strategies that are appropriate to the addict's level of addiction. For example, if I suspected that my daughter was using alcohol because I found a bottle of beer in her car, I would likely create a mid-level strategy. If that were the only evidence I had, I would judge my daughter to be somewhere between "experimental use" and "problematic use." A mid-level strategy would include a personal confrontation, which included some moderate consequences. A mid-level strategy does not impose severe consequences, like taking someone to the hospital for inpatient care. Codependents should gradually increase the severity of the tough love as the addict's addictive behaviors increase. See Matt. 18:15-17.

Least restrictive treatment alternative
        Generally, after considering the severity factor, loved ones should first use the least restrictive intervention. Often, recovery from addiction will take a long time, usually requiring many strategies and many interventions. If an inpatient treatment facility is used because of "addictive use" when the addict is only in "experimental use," what resources are left should the addict later end in the stage of addictive use? Contrary to current advertisements for treatment programs, the disease of addiction is rarely permanently resolved through a single family intervention meeting and subsequent hospital stay. Such interventions are only part of a long and painful recovery process. It is important to accept the fact that programs don't cure; only God can heal. However, treatment programs can often help the opening of an addict's heart to God.
        Another good reason to choose the least restrictive treatment alternative has to do with the issue of self-love. Loved ones might not have sufficient courage, strength or understanding to follow through on a major intervention, such as kicking the addict out. To start and not follow through with intervention is a very counterproductive practice. By performing smaller interventions first, you can practice and gain self-love and confidence.

Stratagem is private
        An addict should not be involved with the formation of a strategy. If a behavioral contract is to be made between codependents and the addict, a strategy session should be held before the contract session with the addict. During the strategy session, the "generals" can discuss the contents of the contract. As shared earlier, a person in the late stages of addiction is unable, because of the loss of agency, to comply with contract agreements. A person in the disease stage of addiction is innocently set up to fail by loved ones with good intentions.
        Those involved in the strategy sessions should discuss what information is to be mentioned to the addict outside the meetings. Many of those who have worked with addicts have learned that if you tell an addict the wall is only 12 feet high, he will get a 12 foot ladder and step over the wall using the top step. Drawing another analogy from the Book of Mormon, it would have been fatal to the Nephites if they had revealed their defense strategy to the enemy.
        A general guideline is: If in doubt about what information to share with an addict, shut up and say nothing. Often we feel that sermons and good communication skills are helpful in dealing with the addict. Perhaps they are sometimes. Generally, however, addicts have turned off their hearts and ears and your verbal efforts are useless. Interestingly enough, they often seem to hear the information necessary to win their battle to continue substance use.

Stratagem is using a combination of tactics
        Characteristics of almost every addict are dishonesty and cleverness. You will rarely meet an honest practicing addict or, for that matter, a stupid one. As the disease develops, addicts' use begins to influence every part of their lives, including things spiritual, physical, and moral. So, not only are addicts abusing their substance of choice, but also the spiritual substances of which they are made. Thus they begin to lie, or not tell the whole truth, to steal, and practice other negative behaviors. A variety of tactics can be used to intervene with addicts. Be creative. Be flexible. Pray for effective strategies. Remember, strategies should create more pain and suffering for the addict than for you, the codependent.

Intervene on related behaviors
        Strategies can be used on any of the negative behaviors exhibited by the substance abuser. A loved one does not have to wait until he or she can intervene directly in the alcohol or drug use. You can intervene with an addict's anger. For example, your intervention with an addict's defiant door slamming can be as effective a strategy as intervening directly with his alcohol use. Temper outbursts often indicate the disease as well as the substance use itself. Every addict displays a different combination of misbehavior associated with his or her substance abuse.

Use the Law of Moses
        Select small misbehaviors exhibited by the addict and develop for each a brief, intense consequence with which you can follow through. Apply consequences according to the Law of Moses. These consequences should be applied quietly, quickly, and should result in pain for the addict. For instance, if the addict neglects to feed his pet dog, tell him you will sell the dog if he continues to neglect his responsibility. Then do it. Applying many little interventions on behaviors related to addiction will increase your confidence. Remind yourself frequently that you are responsible to God, not to the addict. Do your best in using fewer words. Often one well-planned consequence without words is worth more than several months of counseling.

A Reminder
       Things get worse. Things get worse with an effective strategy. It's true. Expect conflict when you stop exhibiting the codependent behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering. The addict's behavior typically gets worse with the behaviors of self-love, unconditional love, and tough love. Family members and close friends will require time to adjust to the addict's worsened behavior. It takes both objectivity and courage to initiate effective strategies, knowing that the addict's threats, yelling, and name calling will increase. But be assured that the increasing tension is a sign that you are changing and likely eliminating codependent behaviors. If you are unable to withstand the increased conflict that comes with change, don't plan a strategy. Go back and work on self-love and find a support resource, as taught in Chapter Seven.

The Sunbeam Check
        It is important to keep life simple. Earlier we noted that everything we need to know we learned in Primary. "Sunbeam" is the name of the class given to the youngest of the children's Sunday School classes in the LDS Church. Below is a "Sunbeam Check," which can be used to evaluate progress in applying the three attributes of love. A Sunbeam Check should be a part of each strategy session.
       First. The Codependents should evaluate their progress in developing self-love by asking themselves the following:

a. Am I eating and sleeping adequately?
b. Have I spent time by myself? Have I identified my Mount Sinai, my Forest, my Grove, or my Garden? Have I been there?
c. Does my self-esteem measure about 50 points on the Self-Love Meter?
d. Have I set priorities?
e. Do I have a friend? A support group? And some "generals" on my side?

If you cannot answer yes to these questions, you have failed the Sunbeam Check and should not go on! Nothing is more important than making sure that you have support for the rough times ahead and that you safeguard your salvation, your serenity, and your return trip to your Heavenly Father.
        Second. If you have sufficient self-love as determined in the first check list, you may move forward to the second phase of the Sunbeam Check. Ask yourself: "Have I expressed faith and love to the addict unconditionally through safe-love behaviors?" For example, can you stand to be in the same room as the addict without sending verbal and nonverbal messages of anger and disgust? Ask yourself, "Have I left a note acknowledging my love to the addict?" Remember, at times the best safe-love behavior is "keeping your mouth shut" about some things the addict is doing wrong. A safe-love behavior could be as simple as sitting next to the addict while watching TV. Part of this includes asking the question "Am I holding on to the addict with an open hand?" Again, unless you have demonstrated a safe-love behavior, you are not ready to move on to tough love.    
        Third. To finish the Sunbeam Check ask yourself: "Is the addict in pain?" The pain experienced by the addict does not necessarily need to be a result of your strategy, but it must occur. If the addict is not suffering, then create a strategy that will cause the addict pain. Administer the Law of Moses quietly and privately with your "generals" and God.
        Codependents should regularly give themselves the Sunbeam Check to ensure they are doing what is in the best interest for themselves and the addict. Remember to continue applying the correct principles whatever the addict's response. Though the addict may continue substance use, even die because of it, you have the assurance that you displayed God's kind of love.

An example from the author's personal experience
        One Friday afternoon while I in my office, the phone rang. When I answered it, a woman's voice was on the other end. She was quite distressed, crying. I discovered she was a Stake Relief Society president from California. She explained, "I went to your workshop at BYU, came home and kicked my son out . . . but I realize I don't have enough self-love and I'm feeling bad." This good sister was engulfed with guilt, loneliness, and shame. I asked her a few questions and found out her son was 31 years old. She told of how he hadn't worked for a long time and that he was drinking. Thinking she was ready for a tough love strategy, she kicked him out. Now she was paying the price for not having developed her self-love first. She explained that she had called her son's friends to make sure he had a place to stay and something to eat. Her tears and pain were intensified. At this point I invited her to do a Sunbeam Check with me. We started with simple questions. "How have you been sleeping the last few nights?" I asked. She responded, "Well, not very good. I don't get to sleep until about two or three in the morning because I'm worrying too much about my boy." Then came the next question: "How have you been eating?" She answered, "Not very good. I've been so worried about by son that I haven't felt like eating." As we went on, it became obvious she was more concerned about her son's health than she was about her own. I encouraged her to keep it simple and work on her self-love first.
        Effective strategies are decided by your answers to the Sunbeam Check, not by what the addict does or doesn't do. Effective strategies judged in this fashion do not fail. They don't fail because the loved ones who participate in the healing process by using strategies eventually obtain emotional and spiritual growth regardless of what the addict may or may not do. Remember, you measure your success in recovery by feedback from God, your "generals," and yourself. Keep in mind that rarely does a single intervention change the life of an addict. The possibility of relapse into addiction is real and even likely in early years of recovery.