Chapter 9  - Tough Love

Hold On To Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families, By Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H. (1996)

    Tough love is the third attribute of God's kind of love. As discussed in Chapter Three surrounding loved ones often find themselves performing "rescuing behaviors" in an attempt to cure the addict. These behaviors save the addict from the immediate consequences of his or her own substance use and include enabling, covering up, denying, and lying. The result of such behaviors for the addict is further loss of self-worth and continued substance use. Behind each irresponsible addict, there is a "too responsible" codependent. Behind each irresponsible addict husband is a hyper-responsible wife, boss, bishop or other individual. Elder John K. Carmack, while addressing the third annual conference of SAVE, stated the following:

I've learned a lot of things from my brothers and uncles who have suffered from alcoholism . . .You need to be both loving and tough . . . You have to be strong enough not to give too much, but kind enough to help. At times it is hard to say "No." An alcoholic [or addict]will show anger, use ridicule, try to shame you and attempt to make you feel guilty, but you have to be strong to deal effectively with the alcoholic [drug addict] . . . Very often the alcoholic [drug addict] must reach a low level in his life before anyone can help. He must also experience much pain before getting to that level. . .If alcoholics [and drug addicts] live long enough, life will teach them "by the things which they suffer. (By The Things Which They Suffer, SAVE, 1988)

        Typically, addicts will seek help not when the problem is pointed out or as treatment is recommended, but when their pain motivates them to act. A general guideline for those wishing to be helpful is: Do nothing to alleviate the pain of an addict. Of course, as members of the LDS Church, we might perceive the exact opposite to be true: Do everything you possibly can to alleviate the pain of everyone, including an addict. Such a philosophy presents a unique problem for members of the LDS Church in effectively performing tough love behaviors. Many LDS persons believe it is wrong and sinful to allow loved ones to hurt or suffer even if their pain is in consequence to their own irresponsible behavior. It is difficult for LDS codependents to believe in their hearts that it is better for addicts to pass through sorrow so that they can learn.
        In the Resource Manual for Helping Families with Alcohol Problems, the following suggestions are recommended by the LDS Church:

Love is often difficult to show, especially when it results in pain. When someone we love abuses alcohol or other drugs that are harmful, our tendency is to help him out of his problems because we love him . . . The problem drinker [and drug user] must experience for himself the consequences of his drinking [or drug use]. . . The object is not to be vengeful, but rather to motivate him to receive the help he needs to overcome his problem. By showing "tough love," we do what is best for him. Circumstances and inescapable choices motivate change. Threats only cause a problem drinker [or drug user] to make promises that he seldom keeps. (Resource Manual for Helping Families with Alcohol Problems, PGSC6258 LDS Church, 1984 pg. 99. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

The Prodigal Son

        The Good Samaritan discussed in Luke 10:33-35, and the Prodigal Son discussed in Luke 15:11-32 teach us two attributes of God's kind of love. We discussed the parable of the Good Samaritan in Chapter Eight on unconditional love to illustrate the idea of "loving thy enemy." The Good Samaritan "departed" and went on to Jerusalem after he showed that love. The Prodigal Son teaches another aspect of love. The parable begins with a father and his two sons.

And the younger of them said to his father, Father give me the portion of goods that falleth to me, and he divided unto him his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land and he began to be in want . . . And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. (Luke 15:12-14 & 16, emphasis added)

        Interestingly enough, few readers hold the father responsible for his son's behavior, though it was he who gave him the "the portion of the goods." Neither do we read of the father anguishing over the decision to do so. We simply read that the father gave the prodigal his portion and then we hear no more about the father until the son returns home. If the father had been codependent he would have worried excessively about giving his son the money or about what his son was doing while he "took his journey." This worry could have caused the father physical illness. In addition, the father might have left his duties at home in pursuit of his son, and in doing so, lost his own fortune.
        The parable of the Prodigal Son is unlike the parable of the Good Samaritan in that "no man gave unto" the son. This teaches the concept of tough love, which is, there is a time and place for loved ones "not to give." Immediately after the words, "and no man gave unto him," come the words, "And when he came to himself." This phrase suggests that the Prodigal Son "hit bottom" because of tough love, and eventually "came home." The father had sufficient self-love so he respected his son's agency, and could give him his fortune "with an open hand." Additionally, upon the Prodigal Son's return, the father displayed unconditional love ". . . his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him" (Luke 15:20).
        Learning from parables. To apply the "take care of him" attitude toward the Prodigal Son would likely have promoted failure and a repetition of his irresponsible behavior. The Samaritan helped a man in crisis who had been beaten and robbed. Through no apparent fault of his own, the Samaritan became a victim of violence. The Prodigal Son chose and carried out his "riotous living" and no one came to his rescue. He was experiencing more than a crisis and required a change of heart. The essential element in the Prodigal Son story is that the father demonstrated tough love. The father believed that if his son was not pampered and protected, the normal consequences of life would teach him and cause spiritual growth to occur. It worked.
        Would the Prodigal Son have changed his life if the Good Samaritan had been traveling by while he was eating husks with the swine? What if the Good Samaritan had taken care of the son in the same way he took care of the injured Jew? Would the Prodigal Son have "[come] unto himself?" The non-codependent Good Samaritan would probably have discerned the difference and realized greater love for the son would have been shown by "not rescuing."
        Some church and family members may contribute to the addict's problem because they believe one must always play the role of the Good Samaritan. Many addicts are killed and fostered by kindness. That is, loved ones apply the principle of the Good Samaritan when what is needed is the principle of tough love found in the parable of the Prodigal Son.

        There are different types of suffering. Some suffering is secondary to sin, some secondary to breaking natural laws, and some secondary to righteousness. Pain, trials and tribulations must occur in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones if we are to be sufficiently refined to return to our Heavenly Father.
       Joseph in prison. "Oh God, where art thou?" This was Joseph Smith's plea while he was imprisoned in Liberty Jail in 1838-39. The Lord's answer also sheds light on the benefits of suffering. While Joseph was in jail, the Saints were being persecuted, robbed, and murdered, and among the Saints there were dissension and apostasy. Perhaps more painful than the coldness of the jail was Joseph's discouragement. Joseph's pain might have been intensified because of his perfect knowledge that the Lord could have freed him. Certainly he remembered the visits from Moroni, John the Baptist, Peter, James, John, and a host of other heavenly messengers, including Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It was in this setting that Joseph cried, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1) To this plea came the Lord's answer: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." (D&C 121:7) Referring to the pain and suffering, Christ said to Joseph, "Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7).
        Christ loved Joseph Smith enough to allow him to remain and suffer in prison, and by that gain "experience." It is very difficult to allow a loved one to suffer when one has the power to alleviate the pain, hence, the term "tough love." Other scriptures which discuss the need for trials and tribulations include D&C 105: 6-7 and D&C 19: 16-17. Neither you nor the addict can be made perfect except through suffering. Mortality is a school of suffering and trials.
        Similar to Joseph's cry many codependents say "O God, where art thou?" Surrounding family members might think that God has truly forsaken them and their loved one the addict. God could have freed the codependent from such an enormous amount of suffering and pain, yet He did not. How quickly we forget that there is great purpose behind our life struggles. Out of frustration, loved ones begin to free the addict from the pain, hoping it will also alleviate their own pain. By so doing these codependents innocently rescue the addict from the very thing that will be for "[their] good."
        After the Lord told Joseph, "These things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good," He said, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (D&C 122:8.) Bishop Glenn L. Pace, second counselor in the Presiding Bishopric, discusses this very topic, suggesting that part of the reason the Savior suffered in Gethsemane, was so that He would have infinite compassion for us as we experience our trials and tribulations including those associated with the misuse of substances. Through His suffering, the Savior became qualified to be the perfect judge. Not one of us will be able to approach Him on Judgment Day and say, "You don't know what it was like having an addict in your home!" Indeed, He knows the nature of our trials better than we do, for He "descended below them all." (Ensign, Sept., 1988 pg. 71. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)
        Garden of Gethsemane. As a loving Father and Mother in Heaven viewed their beloved son suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Savior cried out, "O my Father if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt." (Matt. 26:39) It appears that the "will" of Heavenly Father and Mother was to allow Christ to suffer. Even the Son of God was not allowed to forgo the "bitter cup." Can you imagine the tears in the eyes of the Father and our sweet Heavenly Mother when they had to deny their son's request? Can we comprehend the sacred tears shed by them when they had to abandon the Savior on the cross and hear him say, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34) It is interesting that although Heavenly Father and Mother withdrew their spirit for a brief time (this would be considered tough love), an angel was sent (Luke 22:43) in response to Christ's pain (this would be considered a safe love behavior).
        The refiner's fire has been lit and it appears that "Even the son learned obedience by the things which he suffered" (Hebrews 5:8). If the Son of God had to learn "obedience" by the things which he suffered, how can an addict learn obedience to the Word of Wisdom or the Law of Chastity in any other fashion but by suffering? Many scriptural examples support this idea. In 2 Nephi 2:11, we read,

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so . . . righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad.

        In D&C 95:1: ". . . and whom I love I also chasten . . ." And the idea is very clearly taught in Helaman 15:3: ". . . yea, in the days of their iniquities hath he chastened them because he loveth them." Even nonscriptural references can teach this principle. Benjamin Franklin is known to have said, "Those things that hurt, instruct." These illustrations teach us that there is a celestial form of tough love. It is a love so strong that it withstands the "refiners' fire." The Lord will allow those He loves most to suffer. He has faith in them and wants them to return to Him in exaltation with all power and glory. He applies the principle learned by the Prodigal Son to our lives. For loved ones it truly takes great spirituality to introduce pain into the life of an addict with love.
        The addict's suffering is one essential ingredient of recovery from addiction. Codependents who can help the addict experience pain, will help in the addict's recovery. But codependents are generally powerless over the spiritually awakening component of the addict's recovery. As discussed in Chapter One, a spiritual experience must occur if true recovery is to take place. The formula for the addict in recovery may be depicted as seen below:

        Addiction is a unique disease requiring a unique intervention. To get well, an addict must hit bottom, feel pain and be allowed to suffer. If it appears that the "refiners' fire" is not hot enough and the addict is not suffering, simply "throw more wood on." Suffering is the only instrument sharp enough to prune away the excesses of the addict's will and to fashion it into a reasonable facsimile of God's will. The task for the codependent, once God has lit the refining fire, is to let it burn, and as needed, throw a few pieces of wood on. The codependent should not follow the natural inclination "to grab a fire extinguisher" and put the fire out.

        Powerless over the things God "would not" do. There are at least two areas in which codependents must accept that they are powerless. Elder Richard G. Scott in the May 1988 Ensign article entitled "To Help a Loved One In Need" identifies these two areas. He explains the first one as, "Do not attempt to override agency." Certainly God has the power to take away agency. Satan's plan, "sought to destroy the agency of man, which . . . the Lord God had given him" (Moses 4:3). By refusing Satan's plan in the pre-existence God displayed that He chooses not to override one's agency.
        Many codependents have spent a great deal of their lives trying to take their addict's agency away by making them stop drinking, using drugs, or acting out sexually.  But this is hopeless. Brigham Young said,

A great many [parents, spouses, and loved ones] think that they will be able to flog people into heaven, but this can never be done, for the intelligence in us is as independent as the Gods.  People are not to be driven and you can put into a gnat's eye all the souls of the children of men that are driven into heaven by preaching hellfire. (President Brigham Young, Discourses of Brigham Young. p. 64. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        The interpersonal relationships of faithful church members are undermined, damaged, and destroyed by well-meaning attempts of those who try to force another to live by righteous principles. A happy, mutually satisfying relationship will not long survive tactics of control, no matter the reason. Some people can get very ugly in the name of righteousness. They sometimes violate gospel principles in a much more offensive way than the addict they are trying to correct. A successful, eternal relationship must be built slowly and carefully on a foundation of individual agency. The codependent who wishes to show tough love must accept his or her own powerlessness over the addict's agency. We want to treat addicts the same way God treats us. That is, by teaching them correct principles, by facilitating justice, and by respecting their response to those "just" consequences that follow whether that be hunger, jail, sadness, anger, or even death.
        Powerless over the things only God can do. The second area where Elder Scott says we are powerless is in the things only God can do. While there are some things codependents can do to help the addict, there are some things that can only be done by God. The spiritual awakening that each addict must experience during his or her recovery can only be achieved as God (or the Holy Ghost) intervenes in the life of the addict. Codependents may preach, invite, encourage and pray for the addict, but only God can send the angel. Only the Holy Ghost can cause the addict's testimony "to burn."
        The story of Alma the Younger and the four sons of Mosiah (Mosiah 27:8-15) affirms this idea. Alma the Younger and the four sons of Mosiah were "unbelievers," preaching against the Church. Verse 11 states "The angel of the Lord appeared" unto Alma and the sons of Mosiah. Here a spiritual awakening begins. It's interesting to note whose angel appeared. In verse 14 we learn of the father's prayer but the angel was finally sent by the Lord. It was the Lord's angel, not Alma's angel. Simply speaking, codependents are responsible for exhibiting those behaviors that remain after they peacefully admit they are powerless over the things only God can do (like send an angel or override the addict's agency).

2. Display Faith in the Addict

        Faith in the addict is essential in performing effective tough love. It takes much faith in addicts to believe that they can successfully cope with the future suffering that might await them. This suffering often includes the loss of homes, increased money problems, and incarceration. Most addicts are not stupid or retarded. In fact, many of them are very bright and each is a child of God with great potential. Each has the potential to survive the pain that will surely come during the disease of addiction and recovery. God has faith we will overcome temptation (1 Cor. 10:13). So, we too, should have faith in the addict and his or her ability to overcome tribulation. D&C 121:44 reads, "That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death." This suggests that we should prove our love and faith in the addict who has strayed "beyond the cords of death."
        Understandingly, it is difficult to remember that a 15-year-old addict who can't even get out of bed, who rarely attends school, and who is creating so many problems is a child of God and has eternal potential. But it is true. If given the chance, most addicts can survive and grow from their suffering. Every promise given in the addict's patriarchal blessing is potentially possible.
        Sin of unfaithfulness. Inability to perform tough love is a sin of unfaithfulness. It shows an inability to turn an addict over to God's care displaying a lack of faith in God to perform miracles. It also proves a lack of faith in the individual who has gone astray. A codependent questions the addict's worth as a child of God. Unless the addict is truly disabled, he or she can live without you and can return to Heavenly Father without you. However, he or she cannot return without God. Codependents should try to love addicts enough to allow them to experience the consequences of their own sinful behaviors or allow God's tough love to be displayed in their lives. Unless we exercise sufficient faith in God, we deny Him the opportunity to help us and the addict.  As faith and spirituality increase so does hope for recovery. "The Lord is able to do all things according to his will for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him" (1 Nephi 7:12).

        The Lord gave Moses the higher priesthood and revealed the fullness of the gospel. But the children of Israel rebelled and manifested such gross unworthiness that God took from them the power by which they could have become priests and kings. He gave them instead a lesser law, a law of carnal commandments, a preparatory gospel, a schoolmaster to bring them to Christ and the fullness of His gospel. He gave them what is known as the Law of Moses. At that time the Israelites' ability to be governed by a higher law or hold a higher priesthood was limited. The Lord, in response to the Israelites' level of righteousness, dealt with them accordingly. Addicts, while in the active phase of using, are like the Israelites wandering in the wilderness. Therefore, codependents should deal with them on the level of their spirituality. Many codependents become deeply frustrated when they expect addicts to live a higher spiritual law. They might insist they go to church, pray daily, read the scriptures and so forth, when in reality most addicts have trouble just being in compliance with a lesser law. That is, most addicts have difficulty with even the simplest laws, such as not stealing, telling the truth, staying out of jail, and not hurting others.
Characteristics of the Law of Moses that might be helpful in developing a strategy of tough love include:

1. Clear and precise consequences attached to each misbehavior. (Exodus 21:23-25)

2. Swift and unmitigated justice.

3. Very limited mercy.

4. "Double payment" demanded often from the sinner, as was sometimes the practice under the Law of Moses. (Exodus 22:3-4)

        Consequences and Justice. According to the Law of Justice it is believed that each offense/sin will require a payment. Some of the most effective interventions into the lives of addicts have been when a double portion was required of the addict prior to being restored to full freedom. If $10 was stolen $20 was expected in return. My explanation for such a requirement would be: "You owe me $10 because that was the amount you took and you owe $10 more for the behavior of stealing and lying about it." The power of requiring a double portion immediately displays to the addict sincerity and faith in their potential to overcome problems.
        Again such procedures are not suggested for everyone, no more than God would have dealt with all his children during all the dispensations of time with the Law of Moses and the lesser priesthood. Rather, such an approach is very effective for intervening with those on the lower end of the spirituality continuum. By using principles from the Law of Moses codependents can help the substance abusers advance to where the Spirit of the Lord and the higher law might eventually be received.

        Withholding love is not Tough Love. The withholding of mercy and love from the addict by the family members is at times viewed as Tough Love and used as an intervention strategy. There is no doubt that it is much easier to withdraw love and to perform what appears to be Tough Love behaviors out of anger, resentment, and bitterness in an attempt to punish the addict for his or her wrong doings. Codependents often react to the addict's illness with anger, hatred, resentment, and suffering. They detach from their personal feelings because their pain becomes so intense. To withhold love, respect, and hope from the addict prevents the Spirit of Christ from working in your behalf and further evidences the depths to which you have fallen into codependency! Tough love, when performed correctly, stems from an INCREASE of love, faith, and respect for the addict and not from a DECREASE. Tough love is a manifestation of the Pure Love of Christ. It is the same love that allowed the Prodigal's father to go on with his life while the Prodigal was doing his "riotous living." It is the same love that Heavenly Father and Mother showed when they left Their beloved Son alone in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross.
       Guilt trips are not part of tough love. In the following paragraph, Elder Dean L. Larsen gives an excellent example of how guilt can be a wrong intervention.

Peace of mind comes when we know we are doing the right things for the right reasons. For some reason one of the most common methods many of us use to motivate is to develop feelings of guilt within ourselves or in others for whom we have a responsibility. Guilt feelings are a natural product of an injured conscience. When we willfully violate a valid code of conduct, we suffer the consequences of our infraction in the internal conflict that occurs within our souls. Such feelings, painful and remorseful though they may be, can generate the desire to repent and improve. They can be useful, constructive emotions that propel us forward to greater perfection. But purposefully generating feelings of guilt over some shortcomings as a means of motivating action or promoting more compliant behavior is rarely productive. The devastating effect of a child's constantly being told that he is stupid, lazy or ugly has been well documented in behavioral studies. When anyone's honest effort to do better or to be better is met by debilitating criticism, real motivation and incentive are often destroyed. But we must be helped to feel that we are valued and appreciated in spite of our shortcomings. ("The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom," Feb. 1986, The New ERA, pg. 8, emphasis added. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Tough love allows loved ones to give responsibilities to the addict and allows them to confront the addict when those responsibilities are not met. Tough love necessarily creates a crisis that helps negative consequences for the substance-using behaviors. Tough love is firm, confident, easily understood, founded upon the Law of Moses (or Justice), and it seeks an increase in the codependent's spirituality. When carrying out tough love, loved ones should be consistent, predictable, and dependable. In developing strategies they should be inventive, creative, and responsible.

        Several years ago I counseled a young man named Tom who suffered with a drinking problem. I worked with him off and on for about two years. Tom's parents were as sweet, loving, and as spiritual as any I have ever met, and they truly wanted to help their son. As their counselor, I intervened, using traditional methods like personal and family counseling. Though I worked closely with the parents, we experienced very little success. Whatever our efforts, Tom would end up in the local jail several times a month for public intoxication. After each incident Tom's parents rushed to bail him out and then brought him to my office the following Monday.
        After this cycle went on for several months, the parents and I decided that the next time Tom was arrested we would leave him in jail. This was a difficult decision, because just a few months earlier a young man jailed in a neighboring state had been killed by inmates. We considered the possibility of this happening to Tom, but we had no other choice. After more than a dozen public intoxication charges, something needed to be done because Tom was risking his life anyway through his excessive use of alcohol.
        Eventually Tom gained ability to maintain his sobriety. In sharing one turning point in his life, he relates:

My mom and dad would always preach to me about why I shouldn't drink. They would try guilt trips, get the bishop to talk to me, threaten me, try to bribe me. They tried everything. All they did was bark just like a dog. It wasn't until they started to bite that I began to pay attention. All the barking in the world couldn't teach me as much as sitting in jail that first night.

        Often parents and loved ones believe that their most useful tool for intervention is talking. That is, they believe the addict will learn by listening to their carefully prepared speeches, as if the addict were a normal, healthy, and functional person. Unfortunately, it appears that part of the disease of addiction is a hardening of the addict's heart and turning off the ears. The least effective intervention strategy during the later stages of addiction is "talking." Tough love behaviors have proven much more effective.
        Many fears and traditions make it difficult to feel the freedom that will come by loving as God loves. By accepting the challenge to show tough love, you could change a life for all eternity. The importance of exhibiting tough love and demonstrating faith in the addict is best illustrated in this poem.

The following chart is an illustration of recovery stages for LDS codependents as discussed in the previous three chapters. Now is the time to bring the three attributes of God together and display God's kind of love.

Love Attribute #3: Allow God's refining fire to burn and if the fire isn't hot enough, throw some more wood on.

Scripture: . . . And [he] took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land and he began to be in want . . . And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. (Luke 15:13, 14 & 16, emphasis added)

RECOVERING FROM ADDICTION CHART