Chapter 8 - Unconditional Love

Hold On To Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families, By Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H. (1996)

    Unconditional Love is a second attribute of God's kind of love. As discussed in Chapter Three, surrounding loved ones often find themselves performing persecuting behaviors out of anger, desperation and frustration. These behaviors become the source of persecution for the addict. Such behaviors include nagging, threatening and blaming. The result of such behavior includes a further loss of self-worth and continued substance use for the addict. For surrounding loved ones it means further loss of control and continued frustration.
        Many codependents are waiting for the addict to take the first step to "earn" their unconditional love. But the addict will not likely take the first step because he or she, by definition, is sick and has no agency to change behavior anyway. If you are a parent, spouse, or child who has been waiting for the addict to give some expression of respect and love first, please heed this: One of the most effective secrets for helping the addict and yourself to get well is contained in the fourth chapter of 1 John 19. Only eight words long it reads: "We love Him, because He first loved us." This simple scripture suggests that we must first love the addict before he or she can love us. The following is a discussion on developing a love for the unlovable.

The Good Samaritan

        The thieves ". . .wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead." The good Samaritan offered help "unto him that fell among the thieves" (Luke 10:33-35)and took care of him, performing what was reasonable to preserve life. Then the Samaritan took the injured man to the inn and made necessary arrangements for his care and planned to check on his condition upon his return.
        The story of the good Samaritan teaches us that there are times and places to care for and love our "enemies." Through the course of the disease, the addict develops the ability to curse, hate, despitefully use and persecute the codependent. But how would the Lord have us feel toward someone who treats his children in such a way? In Matthew 5:44, Jesus teaches us,

Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

Anyone who has lived with an addict realizes at one time or another they are the recipients of many of the above behaviors.
        This ability to love unconditionally is a critical attribute of loving as God loves. Bernie Siegel, M.D., in his book Love Medicine & Miracles says: "Unconditional love is the most powerful stimulant of the immune system. The truth is: love heals." The LDS priesthood manual states, "No power is as motivating as the power of love." (Priesthood Manual 1990 pg. 120. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.) In addition, to self-love, unconditional love acts as another important ingredient to recovery from codependence.

Personalities Before Principles

        One of the twelve traditions of S.A.V.E., and similar twelve-step groups, involves the saying, "Principles before Personalities." This adage teaches the difference between conditional and unconditional love. For codependence, the "personality" becomes more important than the "principles." Codependents tend to show respect, love, and hope if the addict is exhibiting a pleasant and acceptable "personality." But when the addict changes by doing things the codependent dislikes the nature of the codependent's love fluctuates accordingly. A codependent's love typically is based on the addict's behavior, not on the correct principle of unconditional love.

An example

        Following is a story of a father who placed his son's addicted personality before the principle of unconditional love. This codependent father found there was a limit to his love. A high priest and his family were sitting in church during Fast and Testimony meeting. All but one of their children were sitting with them on the front row of church. One of their older boys was about 19, who was also in the last stages of alcoholism, and had been inactive in church activities for several years. Unexpectedly, this son walked into the chapel and took a seat at the back. The father initially felt his prayers had been answered as his son walked into the church. He felt hope and acceptance toward his son. Then, during the meeting, the son began to walk toward the front of the chapel. He was going to share his testimony as those before him had done. It was only then that the father recognized the familiar stagger of his son's intoxication. The love and gratitude the father had felt only a few minutes before now quickly faded into anger and hate.
        The father realized, his son was drunk! The boy was headed toward the front of the chapel. With each step, the father's anger and embarrassment grew. The boy stepped behind the pulpit and began sharing his testimony. By now the father could hardly contain himself and fervently praying that "God might take this moment away." The son was so obviously drunk that everyone in the ward knew. During the middle of the boy's testimony, he passed out and fell at the feet of the bishopric. The father's heart fell, too. This was too much. At that moment the dad "stopped loving his son". The pain, embarrassment, and guilt were so extreme the father made a promise that he would never be hurt again by his son's drinking. He bought some bolts and chains the next day, intending to chain his son to the basement wall until he sobered up.
        This story shows how the father's first love and acceptance for his son changed to anger and hatred in a matter of minutes. The father was a helpless victim of the addict's personality and his personal codependence. There was no room for correct principles. One might ask, Who was more sick? Who had the greater sin? Was it the father, who had intentions to chain his son to the wall, or was it the son, who passed out while sharing his testimony?
        Unconditional love asks the question: What kind of loved one are you that only love addicts when they do what you want them to do? That love is a selfish, self-centered, conditional, and qualified love! It is easy to love the addict when he or she is clean, sober, and repentant. But when he or she relapses, our love is needed even more. Unconditional love suggests that we should love the individual no matter what the behavior. In Matthew 5:45, we read: "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?" The real reward comes when we can love them who don't love us.

        A codependent in recovery will work at accepting the higher principle of unconditional love and say, "I love you more than I hate the things that you do." Or, in other words, "I place the principle of unconditional love before your addictive personality." Recovering codependents will remind themselves in relationship to the addict that, "You cannot sin enough, drink enough, scream enough, lie enough, steal enough to make me stop loving you!" Is there a limit to your love? How much sin does it take for you to stop loving your spouse, parent, or child? As discussed later it is important to note that this does not mean the codependent is required to accept or approve, or support, the addict's behavior. All it means is that we must love them as sons and daughters of God.
        Elder H. Burke Peterson talks about the importance of showing unconditional love in dealing with problem children. These suggestions can be equally helpful in dealing with addicts. Elder Peterson says:

We must make an even clearer effort to communicate real love to a questioning child. The giving of love from a parent to a son or daughter must not be dependent on the child's performance. Oft times those we think deserve our love the least need it the most. . . .May I suggest that parents' teachings will be listened to more intently and be heeded more closely if they are preceded by and woven together with that golden fiber of love. If our words are to be remembered, they must be accompanied and followed by considerate, thoughtful actions that cannot be forgotten. (Love, Deseret Book, p. 62. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

There are many examples of individuals placing the gospel principle of unconditional love before personalities. These people exhibit a love which has no limits.
         Elder Rex D. Pinegar. Elder Rex D. Pinegar offers an example of how his family displayed unconditional love toward his father who was an alcohol abuser.

Later in life, while I was a counselor in a reading clinic in Los Angeles, I learned a great lesson. They sent me older boys with reading problems. Richard was a nonreader. I asked him, "Why are we together?"

"I don't know," he answered.

"I really want to get to know you," I said. "I'd rather know about you than your reading. Let's assume you could be anyone you wanted to be. Who would that be?"

"I want to be like my dad," Richard said without hesitation.

"Why?"

"Because my mother loves him," he answered.

Richard's father had been in prison for 11 years. It was then I realized that this was a reiteration of what I had felt about my own father while he was drinking. I wanted to be like my father because my mother taught me that "someday you'll know him like I know him." My mother loved him. (Honor Your Father, S.A.V.E., 1984, emphasis added)

        How is it that Elder Pinegar, who as a young man would find a bottle of Seagram 7 in his father's top dresser drawer, whose father would disappear on drinking binges for two or three days at a time, would still love him enough to want to be like him, an alcohol abuser? How could Elder Pinegar overcome his father's drinking personality? I believe that the family members' faith and love played an important role. Elder Pinegar and his family could follow the higher principle of love and see much deeper than the superficial drinking habits. The Pinegar family was able to "know their father as God knows him." Elder Pinegar's father eventually stopped drinking.
        Christ on the Cross. Perhaps the greatest example of unconditional love is displayed by Christ. Judas had betrayed him, Peter had denied him, then "soldiers stripped him and put on him a scarlet robe," then mocked and scoffed at him (Matthew 27:28,41). But as he hung on the cross, he forgave all:

And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him. . .Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots. (Luke 23: 33-34)

The perfect example of Christ-like love comes from Christ himself.

1. Forgive

        Forgive the addict. Many codependents who understand the gospel realize the importance of forgiveness as part of the recovery process. Most LDS codependents know that Heavenly Father would like them to forgive the addict. Nevertheless, the pain that the addict has caused in their lives may still be intense. These codependents are unable to forgive and continue to have the void in their life caused by hate, revenge, and fear. They begin to treat their once-loved addict as an enemy. It is easy to understand why these loved ones respond with resentment, bitterness, and a withdrawing of love. After all, didn't the addict offend, mistreat, sin against, lie to, falsely accuse, neglect, and reject them? However, the Lord very clearly suggests in D&C 64:9 that the codependent who is unwilling to forgive the addict commits a greater sin than the addict.

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. (D&C 64:9)

        Forgiveness has little to do with what the addict did or said. Forgiveness is not about the addict. It is about the codependent. Forgiveness is the ultimate act of unconditional love. Elder Marion D. Hanks describes forgiveness as the ultimate form of love for God and men. In a talk entitled, "Forgiveness: The Ultimate Form of Love," Elder Hanks goes on to say:

Even if it appears that another may be deserving of our resentment or hatred, none of us can afford to pay the price of resenting or hating because of what it does to us. If we have felt the gnawing, mordant inroads of these emotions we know the harm we suffer. So Paul taught the Corinthians that they must "see that none render evil for evil unto any man." (LOVE, Deseret Book, 1986 pg. 93. O Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Understanding the disease of addiction is also part of forgiveness. As discussed in Chapter One, the addict has usually died a "spiritual death" and is, in the later stages of addiction, suffering from a disease. Codependents can find some peace and increased ability to detach when they learn about, and accept in their hearts this great truth.
        By forgiving the addict, the codependent can let go of some negative and awkward feelings that come with continual internal pain and confusion. Through forgiveness comes a sense of peace, inner harmony, and wholeness. As Claudia Black, an adult child of an alcoholic, has stated: "Forgiveness is self love, it is an act of taking care of yourself." It is important to note that even if one carries out a tough love behavior of getting a divorce or calling the police, the codependent is still required to forgive the addict!
        Forgive yourself. Part of forgiving is learning how to let go and forgive yourself. The will to hate, to resent, to feel anger over your own performance is so powerful that it will bind you to the addict like glue. This connection of self-guilt can engulf your whole life through the eternities whether or not the addict that hurt you is around. The ability to let go of unreasonable guilt and repent, dissolves the glue and allows you freedom to move on.
        Feeling less guilty for your role in the addict's life helps the codependent develop unconditional love. A question often asked is, "How responsible should I be and feel for the addict's misbehaviors?" Pertinent to this question is a very important idea discussed by Brother Arthur Bassett in an article entitled "How Responsible Are Parents?" where he discusses responsibilities of parents and spouses for the behaviors of rebellious children or partners.

. . .If you have done your best, all you have known to do, to bring that child up in the ways of the Lord even then some families will not succeed, but through no fault of their own. This is because of the God-given right of their children [spouses] to exercise their agency. People are not clay to be molded according to the parent's [or spouse's] will into pre-determined forms; they are not puppets who are to dance at the parent's [or spouse's] direction. They are thinking, feeling individuals, co-eternal with their parents [spouses] and capable of choosing to accept or reject the life-styles of the families in which they are. . . (I Have a Question. Ensign, June 1982, pg. 34-35. emphasis added. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        Forgive vs. Forget. Forgiving the addict and yourself does not mean that the codependent will forget. In most cases there are many horrible memories of what the addict has done to you and what you have done to the addict in the privacy of your home. The chances of these memories quickly disappearing are not likely. Simply said, amnesia is not part of recovery. For example, adult children of alcoholics who were abused earlier in their lives, have worked through the pain, and forgiven their parent, still have memories. Do not measure the healing process by how much you forget, but how much you can forgive. The healing codependent will remember the events, but having forgiven the addict and themselves, will have less emotional pain than if they had not forgiven.

        Unconditional love is a pure attribute of Christ-like love. Above all the challenges and problems associated with living with a substance abuser, developing a pure love for them is generally the most difficult challenge of recovery. Such a love for the addict cannot be developed without divine intervention. That is, pure unconditional love, which includes the ability to forgive, can only be obtained as a gift from the Spirit. True unconditional love cannot be faked, learned from a book, or obtained from a friend. It can only be given as a gift from our Heavenly Father. The anger, hate, and resentment that typically develop within the hearts of loved ones as the addict progresses through addiction are so strong that codependents often become powerless to this great force. Only a power greater than ourselves can lift that immense burden. Unconditional love, therefore, must be obtained like any other spiritual gift through meekness, prayer, and faith. Each codependent is encouraged to seek after this "gift" if recovery is to proceed.
        Such scriptures as Moroni 8:6 and Moroni 7:48 are helpful in understanding this love. The pursuit of unconditional love in some respects may take years. As a codependent, you may have to live or be around the one you "hate" (the addict) each day. You may feel there is not enough time to obtain the gift of unconditional love. The urgency to do something prompts the development of safe-love behaviors. Safe-love behaviors occur when loved ones display their love to the addict in a clear unmistakable way.
        The "safe" part of safe love is very important to understand. Loved ones often carry anger, bitterness, hatred, and other negative emotions toward the addict to the extent that they are unable to treat the addict with respect, let alone love. It is not unusual for codependents to talk themselves into performing safe-love behaviors because the addict can be so difficult. Also, one might believe that surely the addict hasn't earned the right to be treated with respect. Therefore, the demonstration of safe love may be the best the codependent can do at this point.
        Safe love is more successful when it is "safe" from the codependent's negative emotions and "safe" from the addict's probable negative response. Safe love behaviors are rarely convenient or successful without a clear strategy. Performing safe-love behaviors provide a challenge for codependents to look for opportunities and find the courage to show these behaviors.
        A safe-love behavior is something the addict has difficulty in refusing. A safe-love behavior is most effective when the addict has difficulty refusing it. Try a hug at an appropriate time, a thoughtful note left on a pillow, a favorite breakfast served in bed, or something tangible such as clothes or even money. The principle involved here is paradoxical in nature. In other words: "Why would I give my teenage addict an extra $2.00 today (exhibiting a safe-love behavior) when yesterday I took his paycheck away to pay for his fine (exhibiting a tough love behavior)?" Part of the answer comes when you understand that addicts of all ages often seem to measure the amount of love given to them from others by the amount of tangible items and permissions given them. When you take things away or tell the addict "no," he or she may perceive you as rejecting and unloving. This idea will take time to understand. Again, the most important message underlying a safe-love behavior is "I love you and I have faith in your recovery."
        A safe-love behavior need not be face-to-face. As noted above, safe-love behaviors must be safe for the loved-ones and for the addict. Typically, the addict wants love and respect from his loved ones but, because of the intensity of the disease will turn it away if the codependent were to apply the love directly. There are times in which the addict would very easily throw the safe-love behavior back in the codependent's face by arguing, calling names, or leaving the room if given the chance. Safe-love behaviors are often most effective if not given to the addict face-to-face. Safe-love behaviors of leaving notes or treats are often very effective. Another safe-love behavior is "to keep your mouth shut" instead of nagging, complaining, or persecuting. The safe-love behavior of refusing to say negative things about the addict to the addict often gives the codependent self-confidence. One gains self-esteem as they let go of all the negative thoughts toward the addict. This starts by controlling the words you say to them. So, create a strategy in which the addict doesn't have the chance to manipulate your safe-love behavior.

3. Acknowledge the Addict's Worth

        A third suggestion that increases one's ability to love unconditionally is acknowledging the addict's worth. Very few substance abusers maintain any length of sobriety because their loved ones "guilt-trip" them into sobriety. We must remind ourselves that as members of the church, each addict has been baptized, felt the Holy Ghost, been taught about (and often still remembers) the Word of Wisdom and other moral teachings. Therefore, there is typically no gain made by questioning the addict's worth.
        Worth vs. Worthiness. It may be helpful to make a distinction between the worth and the worthiness of an addict. Worth is the value of being a son or daughter of God. Worth is innate. Because we were born in this earth life, we are loved and acknowledged as a son or daughter of God. By that heritage alone, each of us - whatever our worthiness - deserves respect, honor, and unconditional love as a potential God. The "worth" of any soul including the bishop's, the relief society president's, yours, or the addict's, is great. Each of us is and loved by our Heavenly Father.
        On the other hand, "worthiness" may fluctuate from day to day. "Worthiness" has to do with temple recommend interviews and a level of exaltation. "Worth" has to do with being a son or daughter of God and salvation. Worth is constant. As a loved one, it is most important to intervene with the addict's "worthiness" and not their "worth." As fellow brothers and sisters, we want to make sure we honor and respect the "worth" of each of our Heavenly Father's children no matter how much they drink, steal, lie, or hurt us.
        Our Eternal Potential. The Pinegar family acknowledged the alcohol abuser's "worth." Referring to his father's alcohol use, Elder Pinegar says, "Set as your ideal the best in them that you can see." As noted by James Goodrich of the LDS Welfare Department, the potential worth of addicts, even while they are "in the gutter" is the same as yours and mine.

        Those who misuse substances can be restored to sanity and health.  Often it is difficult for us to remember that addicts are children of God too and that there is hope for their recovery. Elder Thorpe B. Isaacson, while the Presiding Bishop of the Church, said concerning those addicted to chemicals:

They were fine before they became alcoholics (or drug addicts), and they will be fine when they are free from this habit or disease of alcoholism. They are not misfits or failures in the world. They are usually brilliant and successful, intelligent men and women. (The Churches Responsibility in the Problem, address given at Utah School of Alcohol Studies 1956 session. © Copyright by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Used by permission.)

        We must come to appreciate the fact that we are all our Father's children, part of one large family. We are sons and daughters of God who is truly the actual Father of our spirits, which gives literal significance to the phrase "Our Heavenly Father." It follows that we are all brothers and sisters, despite race, creed, nationality, even personal problems, whether they are addictive or codependent. There is a spark of divinity in each of us. Satan rejoices when he and his armies are able to influence us to darken our divine spark by questioning, condemning, or criticizing someone else's worth and potential as one of God's children. Remember, Faith . . . worketh by love (Gal 5:6). Love is the lubricant that allows faith to work. Faith is a therapeutic tool that can change lives and invite miracles.
        God has no grandchildren. We can acknowledge the addict's worth by realizing that he or she is a direct child of God. My grandfather is a child of God. My father is a child of God. I am a child of God. My daughter is a child of God. The addict is also a child of God. We are not cousins, step-children or grandchildren. Each of us, including the addict, is a child of our Heavenly Father. As such, we are loved and have special privileges.

A personal story by Dr. Rick H.

FARM EXAMPLES

        Another characteristic of unconditional love is learning how to love with an open hand. As I approached high school, my family moved to a 300-acre farm. We eventually had the horses, cows, chickens, and pigs that go along with farming. I learned a lot about people and life from our animals. For instance, one of our first horses got out and my older brother and I were in charge of getting it back in. As we chased the horse, we threw sticks and rocks and screamed at the horse to come back. I guess we thought we could return the horse to the pen by force. Instead the horse headed for the canal road, which had a cattle guard on it to prevent animals from crossing. The horse got on the canal road and headed for the cattle guard at full speed. By this time, my brother and I were left behind, but we were still throwing the rocks and the sticks. We became more intense in our pursuit, as the horse got closer to the danger of the cattle guard. When we realized what was about to happen, we stopped. The horse attempted to jump the cattle guard, but fell into it. Its hind legs had not cleared the guard and its hoofs were trapped between the metal railings. We spent the next few hours freeing the injured horse.
        Since that incident, I've wondered if my brother and I were responsible for the injuries of the horse because of the nature of our pursuit. Of course, we were only trying to help the horse. I have asked myself, "Would the horse have fallen into the cattle guard had we not been exhibiting persecuting behaviors such as throwing rocks and sticks?" I later learned the correct way to catch a horse. First, get a bucket of oats and place some in your open hand. Then call the horse's name and let the oats fall from your open hand into the bucket. With this gentile coaxing, the horse will eventually return on its own.
        The small chicks taught me a similar lesson. We would buy fifty or so chicks each Spring and place them in the chicken coop with a heat light. Of course, I liked to go in and play with them. I would chase them into a corner and catch one of them. As long as I held my hand tightly around the chick, it would remain in my hand. I later learned I could simply hold open my hand under the heat lamp and the chicks would pile onto my hand. No restraint at all was needed.
        The horse and the chicks taught me a very important attribute of God's love. Hold on to what you love with an open hand. Many of us believe that the love we have for someone is measured best by how tightly we hold on to them or how much anger and frustration we show when they disappoint us. Let's examine the Lord's approach. At what point does the Lord close his hand and say we are not welcome? One might ask, "How much sin does it take for God to stop loving you?" These seem like very silly questions to even be asking. Of course God's hand is always open. Of course we are always welcome. Remember, the Iron Rod referred to in Lehi's dream does not have a chain-link fence around it. Each of us may let go of it and explore the spacious building and wander through the mist and return to the Iron Rod. This all happens with God's open hand waiting for our return.
        Replacing persecuting behaviors with unconditional love, or at least safe-love behaviors, is essential in continuing the recovery process. This unconditional love should be similar to the love exhibited by the good Samaritan to the injured man. We must overlook our natural instincts to view the addict as our "enemy." We must ask ourselves, "Is our love of the addict stronger than the cords of death?"
        Now let's finish the story of the good Samaritan. After the Samaritan was assured that the injured man's life was preserved, he did a very important thing: ". . .he departed. . ." and went on to Jericho. The good Samaritan did not cancel his trip and take the injured person home to Jerusalem. He simply postponed it to show unconditional love toward the "enemy." Had the good Samaritan been codependent, he likely would never have completed his trip to Jericho.
        This act of moving on introduces us to the next attribute of love. A third attribute of Christ-like love is tough love. Tough love suggests that loved ones have a destination of personal salvation in their hearts. In addition, they have the courage to seek that destination and go on with their journey as the Good Samaritan did.

Love Attribute #2: Hold on to what you love with an open hand as like God holds on to us.

Scripture: But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And on the morrow. . .he departed. . . (Luke 10:33-35, emphasis added)

LET GO

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else;
To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization that I can't control another;
To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences;
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands;
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself;
To "let go" is not to "care for,"
but to "care about;"
To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being;
To "let go" is to not be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies;
To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality;
To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept;
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them;
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it;
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be;
To "let go" is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future;
To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Anonymous