Allow the
Refining
Fire to Burn
PRESENTATION #4
SUMMARY
This presentation encourages participants to
replace the codependent behaviors of rescuing with tough love.
OBJECTIVES
This presentation has five main objectives
including (1) to replace rescuing behaviors with tough love; (2) to
review characteristics tough love (3) to teach about allowing the refining
fire to burn; (4) to identify how to develop an ability to exhibit tough love;
and (5) to review the presentations.
PRESENTATION OUTLINE
Replacing rescuing behaviors with tough love
As discussed in Presentation #1,
surrounding loved ones often find themselves performing rescuing behaviors in an
attempt to "fix" or "save" the person suffering from an
emotional/social concern. These rescuing behaviors often prevent the person from the
immediate consequences of his or her own substance use or other irresponsible behavior.
Examples of rescuing behaviors are enabling, covering up, denying, and lying. The result
of such behaviors typically facilitate the person with an emotional/social concern to
continue losing self-worth and to maintain their inappropriate behavior. Continued
progress in recovery from codependence and helping the person with emotional/social
concerns means learning how to show tough love.
Overview of tough love
Briefly review the Good Samaritan parable
discussed in Presentation #3 to illustrate loving others. The Prodigal
Son parable is used to teach the principle of tough love (Luke
15:11-32). The parable tells of his father and two sons. The particular part of
the parable teaching tough love was "And when he had spent all, there
arose a mighty famine in that land and he began to be in want . . . And he would fain have
filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him."
Interestingly enough, few readers hold the father responsible for his son's
behavior, though it was he who gave him the "the portion of the goods." Neither
do we read of the father anguishing over the decision to do so. We simply read that the
father gave the prodigal his portion and then we hear no more about the father until the
son returns home. The parable of the Prodigal Son is unlike the parable of the Good
Samaritan in that "no man gave unto" the son. This teaches the concept of
tough love, which is, there is a time and place for loved ones "not to give."
Immediately after the words, "and no man gave unto him," come the words,
"And when he came to himself." This phrase suggests that the Prodigal Son
"hit bottom" because of tough love, and eventually "came home." The
father had sufficient self-love so he respected his son's agency, and could give him his
fortune "with an open hand." Additionally, upon the Prodigal Son's return, the
father displayed unconditional love ". . . his father saw him, and had compassion,
and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him" (Luke 15:20).
To apply the "take care of him"
attitude (as illustrated in the Good Samaritan) toward the Prodigal Son would likely have
promoted failure and a repetition of his irresponsible behavior. The Samaritan helped a
man in crisis who had been beaten and robbed. Through no apparent fault of his own, the
Samaritan became a victim of violence. The Prodigal Son chose and carried out his
"riotous living" and no one came to his rescue. He was experiencing more than a
crisis and required a change of heart. The essential element in the Prodigal Son story is
that the father demonstrated tough love. The father believed that if his son was not
pampered and protected, the normal consequences of life would teach him and cause
spiritual growth to occur. It worked. Would the Prodigal Son have changed his life if the
Good Samaritan had been traveling by while he was eating husks with the swine? What if the
Good Samaritan had taken care of the son in the same way he took care of the injured Jew?
Would the Prodigal Son have "[come] unto himself?" The non-codependent Good
Samaritan would probably have discerned the difference and realized greater love for the
son would have been shown by "not rescuing."
The refiner's fire
The Lord will allow those He loves most to
suffer. He has faith in them and wants them to return to Him in exaltation with all power
and glory. He applies the principle learned by the Prodigal Son to our lives. For loved
ones it truly takes great spirituality to introduce pain into the life of an addict or
someone with another type of emotional/social concern with love. In fact many believe for
an alcoholic or drug addict suffering (and others who suffer from
emotional/social concerns) is one essential ingredient of recovery or reach a higher level
of functioning. Codependents who can help the addict experience pain, will help in the
addict's recovery. They believe to get well, an addict must hit bottom, feel pain
and be allowed to suffer. If it appears that the "refiners' fire" is not hot
enough and the individual suffering from an emotional/social concern is not suffering, the
correct thing to do is "throw more wood on." Suffering is the only instrument
sharp enough to prune away the excesses of some people's will and to fashion it into a
reasonable facsimile of God's will. At times the codependent should not follow the natural
inclination "to grab a fire extinguisher" and put out every fire.
Developing a Christ-like tough love
There are several actions people can do to
develop a Christ-like tough love. Suggested behaviors include admit you are powerless,
display faith in the person who has an emotional/social concern, and learn how to
administer consequences similar to the Law of Moses.
Review
Review the three codependent behaviors of rescuing,
persecuting, and suffering. Discuss briefly the goal of replacing each
of those behaviors with the self-reliant behaviors of self-love, loving others
(unconditional love), and tough love.
Scriptures
The Prodigal Son is found in Luke 15:11-32. In
D & C 122:7 Christ said to Joseph, "Know thou, my son, that all these things
shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." Other scriptures about
suffering are Hebrews 5:8; 2 Nephi 2:11; D&C 95:1; and Helaman 15:3.
Summary
Developing an ability to love like Christ is
essential to our eternal progression. Encourage participants to increase their loving
behaviors towards those who are most difficult to love. Remind them to continue to work on
their Self-love discussed in the Presentation #1. The main principle taught in this
section is: Hold on to what you love with an open hand as like God holds on to us. A
summary poem is:
Come to the edge.
No, I'll fall.
Come to the edge.
No, I'll fall.
I came to the edge, He pushed me and I flew.
RELATED LDS CHURCH HYMNS
Do What Is Right- Page 237
Where Can I Turn For Peace?- Page 129
Be Still, My Sout- Page 124
More Holiness Give Me- Page 131
MATERIALS NEEDED FOR THIS PRESENTATION
There are no special materials needed to teach
this presentation.
ESSENTIAL READING
The following is a list of essential reading
prior to presenting this topic. Chapter Nine from Hold on to Hope Book is essential
reading. Although these chapters are written with alcohol and drug addicts in mind, they
still apply to others with social/emotional concerns. The chapter Allow the refining
fire to burn focuses on tough love and can be obtained below.
The chapter Bringing it
together God's kind of love provides a summary of the entire curriculum Codependence:
An LDS Model and can be obtained below.
HANDOUT
There is no handout for this presentation.
SPECIAL NOTES
Tough love is a very difficult concept for
members of the Church to accept. It certainly should not be used in every
circumstance and should never be used in isolation "lest they esteem
thee to be an enemy." Tough love is most effective after the person
him/herself have established self-love and after the person him/herself
have demonstrated some unconditional love.
EVALUATION
Questions for participants.
"How can tough love assist another person to reach the measure of their
creation?" "Are there any examples in the scriptures of God exhibiting tough
love to his children on earth?"
Survey questionnaire.
Leave the official HTI research survey form with the individual conducting the
presentation.
AUTHOR
Dr. Rick, HTI volunteer (12/99)
