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Relationship
Issues
in
LDS
Blended
Families |
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by |
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Janet S. Scharman, PhD |
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In recent years the topic of
blended
families has received growing attention
in general fields of marriage and family study and
research. However, incidence of this phenomenon
in
LDS culture
in the United States remains virtually unaddressed. One
possible explanation for this is that
blended
families often look very similar to first-marriage
families. Some may therefore assume that there are no
unique
issues to address. My position is that indeed
blended
families are,
in important ways, similar to intact
families. But they are also significantly different
in many aspects and may experience complications not
present
in a first-marriage family. Moreover, forces within
LDS culture may strongly impact the remarriage
experience. |
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There are a number of names
given to describe this family type:
blended, step, remarriage, bi-nuclear, or reconstituted
families. However, none of these are perfectly
satisfactory to all individuals. Some terms and expressions,
such as "broken
families," render obviously negative connotations.
In this paper, I will use the term "blended
family." A
blended family is one
in which at least one of the partners has one or more
children from a previous
relationship and there is continued contact with the
children. |
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Not only has it been difficult
to come up with terms which are acceptable to everyone, but
legal ambiguities further confuse what the
blended family
relationship really is. A 12-year-old Utah boy presents a
tragically clear example of this. His parents divorced when he
was an infant. Shortly after, his father moved to another state
and remarried. His mother quickly remarried also. Over the years
the boy had infrequent contact with his biological father and
never knew his father's wife. His biological mother died and his
father exercised his legal right to claim custody. I worked with
this young boy to help him adjust to his impending move to live
with his biological father, but the challenges did not end
there. I also interviewed the stepfather. With tears
in his eyes he said, "For 12 years I looked like this
boy's father; I acted like his father; and I loved him like his
father. But now that his mother is dead, I have no legal
relationship to him." |
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When talking about
blended
families, it is almost always necessary to discuss
divorce because one or both partners
in second marriages are divorced. The divorce rate
in the United States has remained fairly stable since
1980 at about 50% (Glick, 1989), although some predict that
two-thirds of couples who marry for the first time
in the 1980s can expect to divorce (Jenkins, 1990). Over
the years, divorce statistics for
LDS church members have typically been reported at
approximately 20% below the national average. More recently,
however, statistics indicate that the divorce rate for
LDS church members (temple married and non-temple
married) is between 40% to 50%, very close to the national rate
(Jenkins, 1990). |
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No statistics are available
about the rate of
LDS
blended
families.
In this study, it is assumed that they are similar to the
national average. With more than 40% of all marriages being
remarriages for one or both partners, the United States has the
highest remarriage rate
in the world (Coleman & Ganong, 1990). Approximately 1300
blended
families with children under the age of 18 are formed
every day (Eckler, 1988). Recent statistics (Ahlburg, 1992)
suggest that one
in three Americans is currently a member of a
blended family. It is projected that by the year 2000
those numbers will increase to one
in two. |
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These figures are important to
understand for a number of reasons. First, the first-marriage
family is the model used
in most church auxiliary lessons, church media
presentations, and talks given over the pulpit. But large
numbers of members of the church do not fit the first-marriage
model. Rarely is reference given to other family types. When
done, the comments often seem afterthoughts or token comments.
To ignore reference to other family types tends to devalue them,
or worse, suggests that they are unmentionable. Second,
blended
families often look like first-marriage
families, and so their special challenges and dilemmas
may go unrecognized. Third, helpful guidance and support may not
be given if the need is not acknowledged. |
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Challenges of
Blended
Families |
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In most
blended
families there have been important losses for everyone,
often because of death or divorce. Wallerstein and Berlin (1980)
suggest that divorce may be the more difficult tragedy for the
child to deal with psychologically. Death and the loss it
represents is final; there is no chance that the individual will
return.
In that way death allows family members to put some
closure to the family
relationship as it previously existed.
In contrast,
in a divorce situation many children believe that there
is always a chance, however slim it might be, that their two
parents may some day get back together again. This is
particularly true if the divorce was preceded by a series of
separations. The children have recurring hopes that perhaps the
problems can be repaired. On the other hand, death has a
definite date and a clear cause regardless of how drawn out or
how unexpected it may have been. Divorce is less clear, making
it more difficult for children to acknowledge the finality of
the act. With death there is usually some identifiable external
cause such as a disease or an accident.
In a divorce, children often assume the responsibility.
For example, many children will feel, "If only I hadn't
misbehaved so often, this may not have happened." |
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For previously divorced adults,
the loss may be of their dream of a successful marriage. There
is the loss of a marriage partner and of the structure, status,
and stability that marriage often provides. When the marriage
relationship ends, self-esteem may slip and courage to
face the future alone also may quickly disappear. Often there
are significant financial losses, forcing individuals to make
radical changes
in the way they live. |
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One of the most difficult losses
comes to the noncustodial parent who loses daily contact with
his or her children (Furstenberg & Spanier, 1984). Upon
remarriage, he or she often takes on the responsibility of the
new spouse's children. Not uncommonly, this daily interaction
with stepchildren intensifies the pain of losing contact with
their own children. |
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People not previously married
who choose divorced or widowed partners may become stepparents
before ever having been biological parents. They give up
expectations and hopes for a different kind of marriage, which
did not involve dealing with stepchildren and a former spouse.
They face the loss of privacy and intimacy they had imagined
would be part of their newlywed bliss. Immediately after saying
"I do" they face an instant family, which may be different from
their "dream" family. According to Hobart (1988), no matter how
hard each try, it is unlikely that either the stepparent or the
stepchild will ever achieve the kind of priority or love that
the natural parent or child achieves. |
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Children of divorce often
experience a great deal of loss as they see their own lives
dramatically changed while typically feeling they are powerless
to affect the decision. Wallerstein and Blakeslee (1989) noted
in their longitudinal study that only 1
in 10 children experienced relief when their parents
divorced. Most wish their parents would stay together. Even if
both parents have remarried, some children still have
reconciliation fantasies even years afterward. Frequently,
children lose daily contact with one parent. If they have to
move, they lose contact with the familiar, stable aspects of
their lives such as school, teachers, schoolmates, and
neighborhood friends. |
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Although dealing with losses may
carry with it a negative connotation, Visher and Visher (1982)
suggested that great benefit may actually be afforded members of
stepfamilies who have had to resolve numerous difficulties.
Dealing with the loss of the original family and the transition
into a second "blended"
family can better equip people to cope with the changes and
losses that occur throughout life. Family members may better
understand that interpersonal relationships require hard work
and that emotional closeness is important and possible. Other
personal strengths also may result such as increased ability to
problem solve, negotiate, cope effectively, and respond flexibly
(Coleman & Ganong, 1985). |
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One of the most common
challenges of
blended
families centers around the expectations of family
members as they begin their
relationship together. Lewis (1985) and Coleman and
Ganong (1985) studied common beliefs held by many stepfamilies
that interfere with their healthy functioning. One of the most
common is that the woman must be the "glue" that holds the
family together. Paris (1985) suggested that women may be most
vulnerable to the myth that
in a successful family everyone loves everyone else, and
it is the mother's responsibility to see that this happens.
Unrealistic expectations can create misery
in the stepfamily by allowing members to feel
disappointed, inadequate, and even extremely discouraged. |
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In contrast to the adult perspective, children initially
may have little desire to love or be loved by steprelatives. It
is unrealistic to expect a child to accept as a parent an adult
who is a relative stranger (Stuart & Jacobson, 1985). Cassell
(1981) suggested that stepparents who define their role with
their stepchildren as that of friend are usually the most
satisfied and successful. This does not mean they have to be a
constant buddy, but it does suggest extending support and
empathy to a child as he or she grapples with complex feelings.
Friendship is minimally threatening and allows the children time
to get to know and respect the adult.
In addition, Eckler (1988) stated that even though it may
be hard, for many it is best to teach the child to love or to
respect his or her natural parent, even if that parent has
totally abandoned or rejected the child. |
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A surprise for many
blended
families is that sometimes when warm and loving
steprelationships are established, children may experience
loyalty conflicts (Visher and Visher, 1982). Bernstein (1988)
studied the issue regarding the exclusivity of the parent
relationship. Society dictates that while it is
acceptable to have more than one child, sibling, or grandparent,
on the other hand, children, at least from their perspective,
should have only one father and one mother. Increased caring for
a stepparent, for example, may suggest to a child that he/she is
abandoning or rejecting the biological parent. |
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Instant love and adjustment is
not a realistic expectation for
blended
families (Paris, 1985). Integration takes time and
depends on the age of the stepchildren and the length of time
they have spent
in the stepfamily household. Those who feel pressured to
love another person immediately may miss the opportunity to
relax and to determine if they really do like one another.
Stern's (1978) research indicates that it takes stepfathers at
least one-and-one-half to two years to be accepted into a
family, even with very young children. Eckler (1988) suggests
that the process of working through obstacles and developing a
loving
relationship for middle-aged children typically takes
from 3 to 5 years, and Papernow (1984) found that when older
children are involved, a satisfactory integration process may
require 5 to 6 years. |
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Knowing what to expect can be
very helpful
in dealing with the time required for the integration
process. During this period, family members may experience much
pain and anxiety, but it can be comforting to know that does not
necessarily mean dysfunction or signal long-term problems. |
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Complexity of Relationships |
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Wood and Poole (1983) suggested
that there are important structural features that distinguish
blended
families from first-marriage
families. For example, a remarriage for most couples
represents a fresh start, a second chance, a new beginning full
of hope and enthusiasm. For children, however, the remarriage of
a parent often signals an ending to their dream of having their
parents work through problems and somehow reunite. The
establishment of a new family unit can trigger feelings of
sadness and loss. Thus, children and adults may begin their
lives together as a
blended family experiencing very different emotions and
viewing their future
in significantly different ways. |
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Defining the family unit often
produces different results for different family members. For the
parental partners, it is the couple and each set of children
they have from a former marriage. For children, family
relationships become much more complex as children may have a
biological parent, stepparent, and stepsiblings living
in another household. This often means they are members
of two households moving back and forth. New family
relationships may extend beyond to stepgrandparents, step-aunts
and uncles, etc. Even the relationships within one household can
be difficult as children experience jealousy, feelings of mixed
loyalty, and adjustment to new norms. Events which typically are
happy occasions for first-marriage
families such as baptisms, mission farewells, and
weddings can become awkward and uncomfortable for
blended
families. Individuals who under other circumstances may
not associate with each other are drawn together because of a
common interest
in the children. Family members are often forced to learn
new coping strategies to deal with the many stresses of
blended family life. |
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In stepfamilies the parent/child
relationship predates the couple bond. This can impact
the couple
in many significant ways, particularly when children work
as distractors. Extensive research (Lutz, 1983; Amato and
Ochiltree, 1987; Steinberg, 1987; Skeen, Covi, and Robinson,
1985) suggests that children often have difficulty dealing with
the transitions required with divorce and remarriage. Not
uncommonly, children are unhappy about the parent's choice to
remarry and may actively try to create some distance between the
new couple. Problematic behavior may also be a way of testing
limits or rules, and it sometimes represents an expression of
anger, jealousy, or insecurity. Some children learn that acting
out behavior often brings biological parents together as the
adults work on solutions and options, a reward children may feel
outweighs the negative consequences. As might be expected, it is
not unusual for biological parents to feel caught between their
children and their new spouse. |
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Many couples report a more
satisfying marital
relationship the second time around because of learning
from previous mistakes, improved communication skills, and
choosing a more suitable partner. Even so, remarriages have a
50% greater probability of producing a divorce than first
marriages (Furstenberg & Spanier, 1984). While children tend to
be a unifying force
in first marriages, the presence of stepchildren can be a
destabilizing influence within remarriages and a major
contributor to the greater rate of divorce. A nationwide study
of 1,673 married individuals interviewed
in 1980 and again
in 1983 (White & Booth, 1985) indicated that there was a
higher divorce rate among remarriages, but the higher rate was
limited to
families where there was at least one child
in the household. The best predictor of remarriage
success, these researchers say, may be the stepparent/stepchild
relationship, not the couple
relationship. |
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Visher and Visher (1990)
indicated that
in the midst of these obvious challenges, a strong couple
relationship is a key element to the success of a
blended family. Being willing to lock the door to have a
private conversation or planning evenings alone together or
weekends away from the children may not be luxuries but rather
necessities
in building the "couple strength" required
in stepfamilies (Einstein and Albert, 1986). Einstein and
Albert (1986) further suggested that a happy, cooperative couple
presents a healthy model for children as well as provides a
stable environment where good relationships between everyone can
grow. |
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Remarriage unquestionably
presents
families with many complexities and challenges.
In spite of the difficulties, many
families are able to successfully deal with the
challenges, and they seem to have the following four common
characteristics: (1) losses of all kinds have been mourned, (2)
expectations are realistic, (3) satisfactory steprelationships
are formed, and (4) the remarriage couple is unified. |
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All of the previous information
refers to general
blended family
issues. The remainder of this paper deals with
issues specific to
LDS
blended
families and comes from a qualitative study conducted
with 11 regular church attending
LDS couples and their
blended
families who live primarily
in the Salt Lake City, Utah, area. This study is reported
in greater detail
in Qualitative Study of
Relationship
Issues
in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Blended
Families (Scharman, 1992). |
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The bulk of the
blended family research cited above is both quantitative
in nature and used the first-marriage family as a model
for comparison. The focus at the onset of many of these studies
has been to examine and to quantify the deficits that
blended
families experience, and it is not clear that they have
dealt with all or even most of the relevant aspects of
blended family life. Because no research was found
dealing specifically with the
LDS subgroup, it has been unclear how membership
in the
LDS Church additionally impacts remarriage. |
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Qualitative methods of research
offer the advantage of allowing
issues and patterns to emerge as the research progresses
without a priori expectations or necessary comparisons to
other models which may,
in fact, not be comparable. Therefore, qualitative
research—specifically the model of naturalistic inquiry
explained by Lincoln and Guba (1985)—seemed particularly
appropriate for exploring
LDS
blended family
issues. |
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Eleven couples (22 individuals)
from the Salt Lake City, Utah, area were referred to the
researcher by a "gatekeeper," a knowledgeable individual
familiar with qualitative research. Participants ranged
in age from 33 to 49 years. Length of current marriage
ranged from as short as 2 years to 13 years. All individuals
participated
in at least one temple marriage, currently held a church
calling, and viewed themselves as active members of the
LDS church. Nearly half of the individuals held prominent
church positions
in their wards. One of the males interviewed was
in a bishopric and previously served as a stake
president; two were elders' quorum presidents; one was a
scoutmaster, and one was
in a young men's presidency. One of the women was
in a stake young women's presidency, two were
in ward young women's presidencies, and one was
in a relief society presidency. Education level for both
males and females ranged from some college experience to
doctoral degrees. |
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Procedure and Data Analysis |
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The format of a given interview
was not specifically predetermined but emerged as information
was collected. To begin, one couple was interviewed together for
approximately one hour following a general but flexible format.
Several broad questions served as general stimuli to the
discussion. The information derived from this initial couple
interview established a basis for later interviews. Additional
couples were interviewed, one at a time, to add more data and to
discover gaps. Sample size was not designated beforehand but was
determined when couples began repeating previously given
information. The eleven hour-long interviews were transcribed
from audiotapes, analyzed for content, and examined for themes
using the "Constant Comparative Method" as described by Glaser
and Straus (1967). This method is a process
in which information is collected and analyzed
simultaneously. Data derived from one interview were compared
with data collected from previous interviews. Through this
process, categories or groupings of topics gradually evolved.
In this study, no new information was generated after ten
interviews suggesting that redundancy had been reached.
Essentially all information provided
in the tenth interview fit into categories already
established from the previous nine interviews. That is, the list
of questions was refined by the on-going process. With each new
interview, questions were altered and new ones added to reflect
issues articulated
in later couple interviews. An eleventh interview was
conducted to verify completeness. Moreover, follow-up interviews
with the initial couples interviewed were conducted to validate
that later findings were also common experiences for the initial
interviewees. |
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Because all participants were
active and participating members of the
LDS church, it was not surprising that all of the couples
talked about the strength and support they feel because of their
church membership. Their comments easily fit into three main
areas: (1) Church teachings provide a focus for family life; (2)
the Church organization provides a structure for carrying on the
activities of family life; and, (3) the Church provides strength
in dealing with the stressors of
blended family life. |
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All participants talked of the
value they place on their
LDS membership. The church places strong emphasis on the
importance of marriage and family, and this focus was viewed as
helpful by many of the
families, particularly when things were not going well.
Typical comments of participants included the following: |
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Because of the sacredness of the
temple covenants, we put our family and marriage first, no
matter what happens. |
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I think church membership is a
big help because that's where our priorities are. I think it's a
big help with dealing with the children. It's just a little
better perspective of where we came from and where we're going. |
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One woman said that her
religious background helped her to stay
in a difficult situation, even when she did not feel like
remaining. |
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I don't think I could have
pulled this off without the gospel. It's really tough, you know.
Kids have different habits and different ways of life, and you
all come together and you try to work something out. There are
times when I want to pull my hair out. There are times when I
want to scream. And there are times when I want to walk away.
But because of my gospel upbringing, I know that it's worth it
to go back
in and tough it out and work through the problem and try
to love these kids that maybe I don't love right now. |
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The church organization and
programs also provide a structure
in which the
blended family can function. Parents talked about the
complexity of stepfamily life and the many different directions
family members often find themselves going. Having a common plan
to follow felt like a benefit to several of the
families. |
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Because of the church meetings
and whatnot, everybody is on the same routine at least 1 day of
the week. |
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The church is really a blessing
when it comes to family home evenings, scripture reading,
prayer. Those are all times we interact that maybe we wouldn't
otherwise. They have been helpful
in other respects as well. I'd hate to try to do this
without the gospel. |
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One stepfather appreciated the
stability church membership offered. |
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Some people belong to clubs. You
know, their lives center around roller skating, for example.
Having that base there always gives people an anchor. We belong
to the Church and that's what the Church does for us, except
that our anchor isn't roller skating. It's doing things like
holding family home evenings and reading scriptures. It was an
anchor for us when things were going rough. If nothing else,
going to church on Sundays made a glue with each other when we
were having real tough times. It made us associate with each
other. |
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Spiritual Guidance/Assistance |
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One husband shared the concern
he had had for a number of years that he would be able to meet a
woman who would be a good match for him and with whom he would
be able to share a happy married life. |
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I'd been praying to meet the
right one, whoever she was. As a result of fasting and temple
attendance, I was given a blessing of knowing what the feeling
would be like when I met the right person. It was a distinct,
very definitely defined revelation. I had never experienced that
before, but I experienced it then and I remembered it…Shortly
after I met her (his current wife) that feeling came and
confirmed that we were meant for each other and that the Lord
had selected her for me and me for her. That gave a great deal
of strength to the marriage, knowing you have a spiritual
confirmation of what you're doing. |
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The word "extra" was often used
in describing the help or support individuals felt
because of their church membership. The following comments are
from three persons: |
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I know Heavenly Father is
recognizing our efforts and is giving us extra strength. |
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When you're having problems,
there's extra support from the Church. |
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Extra strength, extra courage,
extra everything comes from being members of this Church. |
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Participants said the Church
provides a focus for their efforts, that the various programs
provide a structure within which to build family unity, and that
comfort, guidance, and reassurance come through fasting and
prayer. Numerous such positive comments were consistent with
what might be expected from individuals who have chosen to
continue active involvement
in the Church. |
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Given the apparent strong
commitment to church membership and activity, the concerns and
dilemmas expressed by these same individuals seem very
significant. Six broad areas of challenges they faced as a
consequence of their
LDS background are summarized
in the following discussion. A surprise for the
researcher was that all couples interviewed, without prompting,
discussed their single-life experiences prior to their current
marriages. Strong feelings were associated with the experiences
they related. Most of them discussed,
in some detail, what it was like for them to be single
in an
LDS setting. It seemed difficult for individuals to
separate their single adult experience from their current
marriage experience. Therefore, the topic of Single Life will be
included
in the discussion along with five other areas which
emerged during the interview process: Bad Marriages, Remarriage,
Temple Sealings, Help From Ecclesiastical Leadership, and
Individual Impact of Remarriage. |
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The topic of marriage is
frequently and forcefully addressed by leaders of the church.
In a recent church-wide fireside for adult singles, for
example, Elder Marvin J. Ashton (Sheffield, 1992) stated: |
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Marriageable women should not
delay marriage because of career goals, educational desires, or
unwillingness to change their lives…To marriageable, mature men,
I call them unto repentance. Do not procrastinate the day of
your repentance. Believe us when we tell you there is someone
for you and God will help you find her. |
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Clearly, marriage and family are
highly encouraged. Additionally, there are numerous references
from church authorities which link the concept of family and
eternal life, and which strongly discourage ending a holy union.
Without question, they would say that divorce should be
considered only as a last resort. As previously stated, however,
many
LDS marriages do,
in fact, end unhappily, and those involved experience the
same kinds of crises at the time of divorce as non-LDS
individuals. What has not been addressed
in the literature is the potentially stronger intensity
of the pain
LDS members may feel because of the deeper significance
of what divorce often represents to them. |
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The
LDS perspective is one of eternal family continuity.
Active
LDS members generally have a strong sense of a
pre-existence, what their purpose
in this life is, and where they are headed
in an afterlife. Personal identity can be strongly tied
with being part of a family, and, when the family structure is
attacked, a person's eternal identity can be threatened. To
many, divorce means that the individual is off-track, deviating
from the accepted plan, and no provisions are given for dealing
with that
in the hereafter. |
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Without fail, every couple
interviewed for this study addressed the issue of being an
LDS single adult, although no initial questions were
asked to elicit responses on this topic. Every couple made a
connection between their former single life and their current
blended family experience. |
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For most participants, the topic
of single life came up as they talked about their efforts to be
active
in the
LDS church, while not being able to fit into the ideal of
the happy first-marriage couple. Even though a
blended family
in many ways does not meet all the expectations
symbolized by the church, it much more resembles the ideal than
does a single-parent family or an adult member living alone.
Perhaps having experienced both single life and marriage
sensitized them to the challenges. One woman said, |
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It was really difficult to be
single and be
LDS. I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. I was too old to
be a single person anymore, and even though I had lots of really
great friends
in my ward, I just didn't fit
in. I wasn't a couple any more. Everything
in the Church was just so family-oriented. |
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One of the men shared similar
sentiments: |
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There wasn't any place for me
any more. People didn't know what to do with me even though they
tried to be nice. I think they were uncomfortable involving me
in their couple activities…I wanted to scream
in their faces: Hey, I'm the same guy I was before. I
just happened to get divorced. |
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Participants talked of feeling
lonely and isolated, believing that others perceived them as
being strange, and feeling that ward members negatively
evaluated them. One woman said, |
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The support system of the Church
is just that, it's a support system. If it falls apart, you
still are expected to be big enough and strong enough to be able
to pack your own load anyway…When that support system isn't
there, you've got to go it alone. I felt alone a lot
in those situations. |
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Others related these painful
feelings: |
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Single people [in
the Church] experience the worst kind of isolation. I know the
feeling because I was there. You're an outcast. You don't fit. |
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You become an unmentionable
in society,
in the Mormon society. You become expunged from the
normal flow of Mormon life. |
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As soon as I was separated from
my ex-wife, everybody wanted to know if I was sleeping with
another woman. But nobody wanted to know if I was going to
church, if I paid my tithing, if I was lonely and needed a
friend. They were only interested
in knowing if I was being immoral. |
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Not all of the negative feelings
associated with being single came from other ward members or
from external sources. Several participants talked of personal
feelings of guilt. The following are two examples: |
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It is a struggle to be divorced
and to have failed—because that's what it represents. That is
the key word for me. Divorce is failure. If I look at my life, I
realize that I have had a lot of successes. But I sure have this
big failure, and it's right here
in front of me every day. |
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You're taught all your life
in the church that you're going to have this great
marriage if you can just get to the temple. If you can just make
it to the temple and get married there, then everything will be
okay. Then, if the marriage goes bad, the implication is there's
something wrong with you. |
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President David O. McKay's
aphorism—"No other success can compensate for failure
in the home" (1964, n.p.)—was frequently mentioned
in connection with their feelings of failure
in the face of divorce. |
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Some individuals talked about
staying
in personally destructive marriages too long because of
not wanting to admit to failure
in their homes and marriages; others wanted to avoid the
stigma of divorce. The decision to divorce apparently was
neither easy nor lightly made for any of the participants who
initiated the process. The following are representative
comments: |
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I kept thinking of the
teachings. Life is just a split microsecond compared to
eternity, and I thought I can endure anything. Of course, I
tried. The pressure is there—you stay
in your marriage no matter what. Then you wither up and
you die. |
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I knew immediately that my first
marriage wasn't going to last. But it was my temple marriage and
I hung on far too long
in that situation. It was a bad thing, but maybe I stayed
in that bad marriage longer than was appropriate because
of guilt, because of failing
in that ideal. |
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Twenty-five percent of the
participants
in this study remarried within a year of the time of
becoming single. The national average is 2.5 years. None
explicitly stated that remarriage was a means for escaping an
unhappy single life. However, some made statements suggesting a
longing to recapture their "eternal family identity," such as
this comment from one of the men: |
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I felt out of it, kind of
disoriented…During Family Home Evening, we used to sing the song
"Families
Can be Together Forever." That's what I want—a family that can
be together forever. |
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Others said they learned from
past mistakes and wanted a loving
relationship. |
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I learned so much from the
mistakes I made the first time. I thought that if I had a second
chance I could be a really good partner. I wanted that chance of
experiencing a good family life. I wanted to be a good mother
and a good wife. When I met this man, I knew that we could make
it work. |
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Possibly one of the most
confusing
issues with which active
LDS
blended
families must deal centers around temple sealings. While
couples can receive a cancellation of sealing and subsequently
enjoy an eternal marriage to another mate, no provisions are
given for cancellation of children's sealings. Regardless of the
marital status, children remain sealed to both parents. There
are no formal explanations given of how eternal family
relationships will be for divorced and remarried
families, and this leaves many feeling uneasy and
discouraged, as is shown by these comments: |
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I don't know how to explain the
idea that
families can be together forever. I love to have the
fantasy that we—this new family—is the family that will always
be together. We love each other, we're trying very hard to be
good parents. But I'm afraid it's just a fantasy because my
ex-husband wants the very same thing. The children are sealed to
him and they're sealed to me. You tell me how it makes sense. |
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How does the idea of eternal
family work? There is no effort to explain that
in the context of a
blended family. So we form the best answers we can
because the kids want to know. Every time they sing "Families
Are Forever," every time the issue comes up—Who are we going to
be with? How does that work?—it's a problem that others would
not have to deal with. The whole concept of
families being sealed together is a very tough issue. |
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I think being an
LDS-blended
family is more confusing for children, particularly when both
parents have been previously married
in the temple. The children are really getting some
strange messages. A mother and father they've loved and a
principle they've been taught, and they can't figure out what's
going on. I mean, we go to church with our children, and our
ex-spouses go to church with them, too, and I think it's really
hard for the children to understand. If
families can be together forever, then why isn't mine?
And how come my parents are these good people going to church,
but they didn't stay together? |
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Related to this is the issue of
husband and wife sealings. Women can be sealed to only one man,
while men may be sealed to more than one woman. Since temple
marriages are not automatically canceled at the time of a civil
divorce, it is not unusual for an
LDS woman to be legally married to a man who has a temple
sealing to his former wife. This often happens because it is the
wife who must initiate a cancellation of sealing and follow
through until it is completed. Generally, the feeling shared is
one of insecurity, as noted
in the following examples: |
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I have
in this marriage finally found the man of my dreams. I am
just so totally happy with him. But he has another wife that he
is married to forever. It crosses my mind every second of every
day. |
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My husband is still sealed to
his first wife. I try not to think about this much, but
sometimes it creeps into my mind and I can't get rid of it.
Wonder if she [first wife] lives this great life and
in the end decides she really wants to be married to him
in the eternities. Then I just get second place…I hate
those thoughts…I wish I knew how it will all work out. |
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Since the rationale behind the
procedures has not been clearly explained, confusion and
frustration often result. Although identical procedures are not
consistently followed, there are some very clear guidelines. The
woman typically must apply for the cancellation only when she is
ready to remarry
in the temple. As part of the application a justification
must be given why the first-marriage divorce took place, what
measures were taken to keep the marriage together, and why it
seems impossible that there is any future hope for its success.
A letter of agreement from the former husband is requested to
accompany the application, regardless of his current church
standing. The guidelines strongly suggest a minimum one year
waiting period for women from the date of divorce to the
remarriage date. Until recently, a divorced male who chose to
remarry had only to obtain a temple recommend; no waiting period
was required. A lack of understanding about the procedures
sometimes led to difficult feelings such as those expressed by
one woman: |
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Sealings are a strange thing.
I'm trying to go through a cancellation of sealing right now and
I don't like the way it's done. I think that it's unfair that
the women have to do it and the men don't have to do it. That's
why it's taken us so long because I have such negative feelings
about it. Men don't have to be interviewed, don't have to write
the letters, don't have to dredge up all the past. |
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Help From Ecclesiastical
Leadership |
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Many participants expressed an
interest
in the church organization and leadership helping them to
understand and deal with their specific dilemmas. Often,
however, they were hesitant to do so because of the negative
feedback they received. One man shared this experience: |
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The regional representative made
a statement
in stake conference that about made me fall off my chair
because he was talking about those of us who he hoped would be
forgiven because we'd gotten divorces. Of course, we want to
cherish marriage and we want to feel like you're going to stay
in there, but there can be a tendency to go overboard…he
didn't realize that for a lot there was no choice. |
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Another man talked about how he
felt when he approached his ward leaders. Whether real or
imagined, he was left with some uncomfortable perceptions. |
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Never
in a million years would I have thought that I could be
one of those divorced people, one of those who couldn't make his
marriage work. It was hard enough for me to realize that I had
personally failed, I had blown this temple marriage idealz…What
made it even worse was when the church also treated me like I
had blown it. |
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Several suggestions were offered
by participants which they thought would benefit
blended
families, such as the following: |
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We need to take our church
authorities and give them some counseling on how to counsel and
how to get people help with professionals when they need it.
It's not their fault if they don't know what's going on here.
I'm not sure you can really understand it unless you've been
through this remarriage stuff yourself. |
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Other suggestions included
having the issue occasionally addressed
in the various auxiliary lessons, creating manuals to
help educate
blended
families and church leaders, establishing support groups,
and having time-limited specialized courses (as is, for example,
already done with teacher training, missionary preparation). |
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In spite of the sometimes overwhelming challenges and
frustrations experienced by these individuals, most report
having learned from their experiences and believe their lives
are moving
in a positive direction. While church membership may pose
some difficult dilemmas, it has also been a source of support,
as evidenced by this woman's comment: |
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I don't know what I would have
ever done if I hadn't been a member of the Church. It's been my
source of strength, my guiding light. With that perspective, I
just know I couldn't quit. Somehow I believed that I could make
this
blended family thing work. |
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Some participants perceive their
difficulties related to divorce/death and remarriage to be
strengthening. One father shared how he viewed his family's
experience as they have moved through major transitions. |
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My children—and I think her
children—but at least my children are so much better off than
they were
in our first marriage. So, for all of us, even though
we've had to go through the jolt of a divorce, I think we're all
better off. It's hard: there's no question. But at least for me,
I'm clearer about what's important to me. I work harder on
relationships. I'm more appreciative of the good that comes my
way. |
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Participants commented on
challenges they felt because of their Church membership. The
most frequently mentioned difficulty was being a single adult
within the
LDS setting. Couples also cited expectations about temple
marriage, concerns with temple sealings, receiving
ecclesiastical support, and the personal impact of the
divorce/remarriage process. |
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Summary and
Implications for
LDS Therapists |
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1. As with all specialized
groups, it is vital that therapists understand and are sensitive
to
issues that may be peculiar to that population. Although
blended
families
in many respects look like and are like first-marriage
families they also differ
in many important ways. There is much more complexity as
family decisions are impacted by former spouses and significant
financial decisions are often dictated by others outside of the
immediate family.
In contrast to first marriages, the couple
in a
blended family is, at least initially, the weakest unit.
Where children ten to be a unifying factor
in first marriages, they are clearly the biggest
challenge to marital contentment
in remarriage. |
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2. Although
families may request help with their current marriage,
unresolved
issues from the first family and associated losses may
strongly impact current functioning and should be addressed. |
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3. Techniques that are often
helpful
in first-marriage
families may be counterproductive
in a
blended family. For example, a healthy and productive
intervention for dealing with discipline by a biological parent
in a nuclear family may create more distance and ill
feelings when carried out by a stepparent
in a recent remarriage. |
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4. Couples report that their
LDS Church membership provides help and support to them
as they deal with the challenges of being
in a
blended family. But, for some, their beliefs also create
dilemmas for which there are no clear-cut answers, particularly
regarding the eternal family unit. Thus, dealing with the
present and learning to accept ambiguity may be useful skills. |
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Remarriage and the blending of
families brings with it many complexities and challenges
which are common to
LDS and non-LDS
families alike.
LDS membership appears to impact an individual's ability
to cope with those challenges.
In many ways the impact is positive as the Church
provides spiritual strength, focus and goals, and a structure
within which
families can function. The
LDS belief system also produces some dilemmas, as members
have doctrinal questions about how their couple and family
relationships fit into the larger theological scheme of things. |
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All participants
in this study were willing and cooperative. For some the
desire to participate seemed touched by a sense of urgency. Here
are some examples. One of the men moved a bishopric meeting back
one-half hour
in order to accommodate my schedule and allow him to be
interviewed. An elder's quorum president fit his interview
in between ward visits. He talked about the interview
with one of his
families, and the couple requested that they also be
allowed to participate. A woman participant called after her
interview and said a jogging partner and her husband would like
to be involved
in this research. Towards the end of another interview, a
husband happened to mention that he was missing his son's ball
game to be talking with me. I had been previously unaware of the
conflict and apologized. This was his response: |
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Supporting my son with his games
is important to me. But this is important, too…It feels so good
to have someone willing to address these
issues. |
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LDS
blended
families must deal with very difficult and complicated
issues, many of which they do not fully understand. The
couples
in this study have been willing to take on the challenge,
and they want to do that within the framework of the
LDS Church. What they are requesting is to be accepted
and understood, to be assisted
in helping and understanding themselves, and to see
structure within the Church to help that come about. |
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Janet S. Scharman is a licensed
psychologist and is assistant director at the Counseling and
Development Center at Brigham Young University |
|
| |
|
| |
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Amato, P. R., & Ochiltree, G.
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Coleman, M., & Ganong, L. H.
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Source: AMCAP Journal, Vol.20,
No.1 (1994 Issue) |
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