How
To
Make
A
Good
Marriage
Better
by
G. Hugh
Allred and Nathan M. Smith |
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How often do those of us who are married members of the
Church ask ourselves: "How
can we bring
a greater degree of harmony, peace, and spirituality into
our
marriage? What is wrong?" The Lord has told us that if we
are not one we are not his (D&C 38:27). This oneness, then, is
an ideal we must strive for if we are
to find joy with our partners and the full acceptance of
Our Heavenly Father. From what we know about marriages in the
Church it appears that many of us are not able
to achieve
a high degree of oneness and that others of us, when we
do achieve this unity, are not able
to maintain it.
A great many of us are conscientiously searching for ways
to improve our marriages and have concluded that it is
usually
a lack of knowledge and skill that prevent us from
obtaining our righteous desires. This article is dedicated
to helping you, as you earnestly seek
to strengthen your
marriage, obtain that degree of joy, happiness, and
spirituality for which you long. |
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Striving for oneness in
marriage is essentially the same as striving for
effectiveness in any other endeavor, such as excelling in
physics, medicine, government, and child rearing. God has left
most of the
how-to
up
to us. He has given us gospel principles
to guide us as we search for answers
to our questions. Many of us want—and ask—our Father in
Heaven
to tell us exactly what
to do, even
to the utmost detail, but out of respect for our free
agency and our individuality he has left
a
good deal
to us. Part of our growth results from our working on the
how-to
of our own salvation as we seek
to acquire all knowledge (D&C 88:78, 79,118) with the
help of the Holy Ghost (John 14:26). Our challenge, if we are
to grow in our
marriage relationship and become more Christ-like, is
to become truly one and, thereby, obtain Eternal
life—creating our own family in the hereafter and living in
God's presence. |
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As we search for answers
to the
how-to,
then, we must be aware that one of the first essential steps is
for us
to have
a clear understanding of what oneness and its opposites
are like. We will suggest ways of graphically looking at the
marriage relationship that can help you acquire
a clear image of oneness and its opposites. |
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All marital interaction is, in
reality, communicative interaction. In other words, commuication
in
marriage can be defined as all behavior that occurs
between husband and wife. Apparently, then, there is no such
thing as
a husband and wife's not communicating, not interacting
with each other.
A husband and wife are continually influencing each other
through their communication: in fact, there is no way for them
not
to influence each other. One of the best means we can use
to bring about
a oneness in
marriage is
to remember that all of our interaction is communicative
interaction. |
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In what follows, we provide you
with information you can use as
a mental map
to help you identify where you are at any given time in
your
marriage relationship, what you want, and where you need
to go in your communication with your spouse
to bring about
a greater degree of oneness. We also provide suggested
phrases
to help achieve this goal. (These guidelines can also be
applied
to your relationships with your children
to help you achieve oneness with them.) |
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The vertical model is one way of
viewing destructive relationships in
marriage that are the opposite of those that indicate
oneness. This model concerns itself with those relationships
that are of Babylon, that are identified in the scriptures as
unrighteous (see Revelations 17:5, Alma 4:6-13, 3 Nephi 6:10-15,
D&C 121:37-39). Such relationships are the opposite of those
described in Moroni 7:45 and are characterized by action against
or away from the spouse, and includes striving
to appear superior or inferior; competing for favored
positions; avoiding being open and congruent; and exhibiting
dishonest, greedy, critical and one-up-manship behaviors.
A sampling of vertical personality traits indicates
tendencies
to be dogmatic, preachy, cold, abrupt, quick-tempered,
judging, patronizing, and coercive. The communication of
a spouse with this type of personality may be
characterized by hinting, sarcasm, ridicule, humiliation, and
dishonesty.
To visualize the vertical relationship, imagine
a society in which all people are on pedestals. The
pedestal symbolizes the worth of the individual. In the vertical
relationship each person has
a hammer and chisel and is busily chipping away at the
pedestal of each of his fellows, attempting
to increase the relative height of his own stature. So,
it is in many of our marriages. |
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The consequences of vertical
movement may include, on the part of both partners low
self-esteem, fear, suspicion of others, stunted spiritual
growth, cliques and divisions, complex and subtle social
transactions, alienation, loneliness, misery, apathy, chronic
fatigue, headaches, neck aches, stomach problems, heart
problems, other psychosomatic complaints, and emotional illness.
If we are
to avoid such consequences, we must become sensitive
to vertical communication so that we can know immediately
[p.27] when we or our spouse
are acting vertically; then we can take effective action
to diminish such destructive behavior and work on
increasing the constructive. |
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Vertical
Communication in
Marriage |
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To help couples recognize vertical communication, we
follow
a model developed by G. Hugh Allred. This model is
divided into four categories. (1) Solicits attention, (2)
bosses/punishes, (3) creates/maintains distance, and (4)
surrenders. For each category we describe the behavior and the
feelings felt by the spouse subjected
to the behavior. |
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The spouse who solicits
attention does so through demands for undue attention. He
seeks attention at the expense of the other, monopolizes any
conversation, and seldom, if ever, seeks feedback. Other
characteristics include bragging and monopolizing the other by
keeping him engaged in giving service
to him. His verbal and nonverbal communication are
characterized by: |
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—"See what I've done."
—"Only I could have done it so well."
—Dressing in clothes that set him/her apart.
—Wearing makeup that sets her apart.
—Parading his/her accomplishments.
—Entering meetings late.
—Telling shocking stories.
—Keeping his/her spouse waiting.
—Talking continually. |
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You can, by taking
a reading of your emotions, usually recognize the
vertical attention-seeking in another by being aware of and
identifying your feelings of irritation and annoyance. (Note:
The vertical person may have similar feelings when others do not
give in
to his manipulations.) |
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The spouse who bosses or
punishes characteristically communicates by lecturing,
preaching, giving orders, talking down
to the other, faultfinding, being sarcastic, ridiculing,
talking angrily, whining and crying. His goal is
to find his place by being superior through control of
the other. His verbal and nonverbal communications are
characterized by: |
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—"You always overspend our
budget."
—"You couldn't be on time if you tried."
—"Why is this house such
a mess?"
—"I've told you at least…"
—Pointing
a finger.
—Shaking
a fist.
—Pounding
a table.
—Making unreasonable demands.
—Lying.
—Holding his head high in the air and then marching away.
—Being stubborn. |
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Your own emotional response
to this kind of vertical behavior could include anger,
feeling hurt, thinking "You can't get away with that. I'll get
even. I'll show you who is boss," or "I'm no
good," and "I can't do anything right." |
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The spouse who
creates/maintains distance finds it very difficult
to develop and maintain
a close interpersonal relationship. He exhibits vertical
behavior through talking in an aloof or disinterested manner,
talking incongruently, intellectualizing, talking like
a robot, talking evasively. This behavior is often
a response
to the boss/punish interaction discussed earlier. In the
following short dialogue both husband and wife are interacting
vertically. |
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H: This is the second roast
this week that you have overcooked. When are you ever going
to learn
how
to cook
a roast? (Punishes wife.) |
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W: I cooked it like the cookbook
said
to. (Creates distance by talking like
a robot.) The bishop called today. He wants you
to call him after dinner. (Creates distance by
deflecting.) |
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The spouse who surrenders
is often responding
to
a spouse who sets
a pattern of bossing and punishing. (Surrendering is not
to be confused with turning the other cheek (Matthew
5:39). Surrendering as used here is the strategy
a frightened individual chooses in order
to avoid responsibility in the relationship.) The spouse
who "surrenders" gives up his own wants, desires, and wishes. He
gives in with the attitude of you're right and I'm wrong, or
I'll do whatever you say. This is exemplified in the following
conversation between
a wife who has set
a pattern of giving in
to
a husband who continually uses family money for his own
personal wants. |
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W: Can I have the money we set
aside for the children's new shoes? |
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H: No. I have
to use it for some fishing equipment that is on sale.
(Bosses.) |
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H: I don't care what we
planned. Don't be such
a pest. (Bosses and punishes.) |
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W: Well, alright. (Surrenders.) |
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The level model, which reminds
one of what he would expect in
a Zion society from those who are righteous (see Moses
7:18,19; Galatians 5:16, 22-26; 2 Ne. 26:33; 4 Ne. 2,3,16; D&C
121:41-46),2
is
a way of viewing constructive interpersonal behavior in
the
marriage relationship. The level
marriage is characterized by openness and congruence,
honesty, mutual respect, and consideration In such
a relationship, there is room for each individual because
each has
a place of respect. Each spouse has limitless opportunity
to progress as rapidly as he chooses and as rapidly as he
receives support and encouragement from his spouse. There is no
need for one spouse
to tear the other down. In addition, each person assumes
responsibility for his own behavior and its possible influences
on his loved one. The levelly oriented individual
[p.28] measures his progress
against his own previous performance or basic standards of
excellence, not against the performance of his spouse. He is
cooperative, not competitive. |
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Level behavior is exemplified by
a husband and wife who are standing on
a level plain, reaching out
to each other and encouraging each other on
to greater growth and happiness. Level behavior, because
it is not competitive, is not threatening. Such movement with
one's spouse fosters feelings of trust and increased love,
simplified communication, rapid growth and development, zest for
living, genuine concern for the other in the
marriage, and an atmosphere of harmony and peace and,
therefore, greater spirituality in the home. |
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Level
Communication in
Marriage |
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Level communication is defined
as movement with and toward one's spouse. The personality traits
of the individual who is moving levelly with his spouse include
sincerity, warmth, friendliness, flexibility, and
approachableness. He is also open and spontaneous, confident,
consistent, and well-organized. His communication is
characterized by nonpossessive warmth and respect, genuineness,
and accurate empathy. It is free from demeaning critical
comments. He negotiates for change in
a respectful atmosphere. His words, eyes, tone of voice,
and body posture are congruent. In this style of communicating,
couples experience feelings of acceptance, belonging, positive
self-worth, and peace. |
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In his book,
HOW
TO STRENGTHEN YOUR
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY, Allred presents
a model of level communication that includes five
categories that will aid
a husband and wife in determining the behavior they want
to increase: (1) voices observations, (2) seeks meanings
or understandings, (3) discusses alternatives and commits, (4)
gives support, and (5) expresses emotions.1
We recommend that these five categories be committed
to memory along with several facilitating phrases that
accompany each category. |
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A spouse may voice his observations about
relationships, events, places, and facts, and give feedback.
This must be done, as with all level responses, in
a context of respect, warmth, sincerity, and empathy;
otherwise the communication is classified in one of the vertical
categories. Facilitating level phrases include: |
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"As I recall, it was…"
"I could be wrong, but
to me it…"
"It seems
to me that…"
"I could be wrong, but it appears
to me as though you are treating me as an inferior when…"
"It appears
to me that I am
better able
to understand your need when…" |
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A spouse who seeks meanings or understanding asks
questions, tries
to clarify or understand, and guesses about meanings.
Facilitating phrases include: |
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—"Let me see if I understand
what you want…"
—"You are asking for…"
—"Please, tell me why you get so upset with me?"
—"How
did you feel when that happened?"
—"Do I understand? This is what I think you want…"
—"Let me see if I understand. You believe that…" |
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A spouse who discusses alternatives and commits
himself
to action is willing
to be actively responsible in improving the
marriage relationship. Discussion can include advantages
and disadvantages as husband and wife negotiate and commit
to an alternative. Facilitating phrases include: |
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—"How
might I respond
to help you feel
better about…"
—"Which of these ways do you feel is best?"
—"What do you see as possibilities available
to us?"
—"Which alternative do you prefer?"—"I prefer
to…"
—"Do you think we should also consider…" |
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A spouse gives support through empathic
statements, acceptance of others' feelings, paraphrasing others'
feelings (reflecting), and making encouraging statements. The
following phrases tend
to facilitate level communication by giving support: |
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—"Please tell me more."
—"And it made you angry and upset."
—"That was courteous of you."
—"I find I can discuss almost anything with you."
—"That's great." |
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In the last category, number
five,
a spouse expresses his emotions, including his
negative feelings (this, of course, is done in
a respectful, friendly manner.), about the relationship,
places and things. Phrases that facilitate this type of level
communication include: |
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—"When you say that, I feel…"
—"I feel very hurt when…"
—"I feel
good when I think you appreciate the…"
—"I am afraid
to express my feelings
to you when I think you might reject me."
—"I feel my help is really appreciated when…" |
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Each of the above five level
categories—(1) voices observations, (2) seeks meanings, (3)
seeks alternatives/commits, (4) gives support, (5) and expresses
emotions—contributes
to peace and harmony in interpersonal relationships. The
categories are most effective when they are used as interactive,
intertwining parts of the interpersonal relationship. |
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In the dialogue that follows,
the husband and wife demonstrate the use of level communication
techniques
to work themselves out of vertical interaction. |
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H: Listen, I know
a roast that's tough when I see it. Especially when the
knife just about jumps out of my hand as I try
to cut it. (Bosses.)
[p.29] |
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W: I prepared this especially
for you, and I think you're totally ungrateful, just ungrateful.
(Punishes.) |
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H: What do you mean,
ungrateful? All we're talking about is whether the meat is tough
or not, and anyone can see it's tough. (Punishes.) |
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W: Listen, it's just that you
don't know
how
to cut, and probably you've got
a knife that isn't sharp. You know that you should use
a sharp knife
to carve
a roast. (Bosses.) |
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H: Hey, what are we so upset
about? (Seeks meaning.) |
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W: I'm upset because you're just
being rude. (Punishes.) I've worked all day trying
to please you, and there's just no pleasing you.
(Punishes.) |
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H: I'm upset because I thought
I'd have
a tender roast. I came home starved as could be, and I
guess the roast just isn't what I expected. (Discloses
emotions.) I'm sorry if I flew off the handle. (Gives support.) |
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W: Well, I'm sorry I got upset
too. (Gives support.) But you don't know
how I feel. I've worked on this all day and I did it
especially for you. (Gives support.) If it hadn't been special,
just for you, it probably wouldn't have upset me so much.
(Discloses emotions.) |
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H: You mean special for me, and
I didn't even appreciate it? (Seeks meaning.) |
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W: Yes, and I just felt really
bad about it. (Discloses emotions.) I don't know if it's tough
or not. (Voices observations.) I suppose that's not important,
and maybe our tastes are different. (Gives support.) |
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Memorizing the few definitions
and phrases we have given in the five level categories and
recognizing the vertical and level ways of communicating by
analyzing the accompanying dialogue can help you learn and apply
level communication patterns. If you have vertical tendencies,
you will have moments of frustration as you attempt
to change
to level behavior. But your earnest and courageous
efforts
to change will be well rewarded with greater peace and
spirituality in your home. If you want
to behave levelly but find that in actual practice you
fight against it, you may have faulty convictions regarding the
need
to behave vertically in order
to be worthwhile in
marriage. |
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If you seek the assistance of
your bishop and
a competent
marriage counselor who is close
to our Heavenly Father, you will be
better able
to work through this difficulty
to achieve oneness with your spouse. |
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As you work
to improve your marital communication, your children will
also benefit from the progress you and your spouse
make. The parent's marital relationship tends
to be the model children imitate as they relate
to one another and others outside of the family,
including their own marital partners. The Lord has cautioned us
that our sins can influence the behavior of our children
to the third and fourth generations (Exodus 20:5). We
have
a great opportunity—and responsibility—to
diminish our sins and increase our righteous behaviors and,
thereby, pass on
to our children, as they imitate our righteous
communication,
a spiritual heritage of happiness, joy, and peace.
[p.30] |
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Source: AMCAP
Journal, Vol.1, No. 1 (1975 Issue), pp.26-29 |
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