The
Role
of
Affection
in
Courtship
and
Marriage:
Some
Reflections
by
Richard A. Heaps |
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As she sat across from me, she
asked why no one had ever given her such an explanation before.
I had just finished explaining
the reason physical
affection can be so out
of place during
courtship, yet serve such a pleasant purpose
and
role within
marriage. |
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It seems that before she was
married, she
and her husband enjoyed a pleasant relationship free
of moral problems, but now she was having serious
questions about
the propriety
of enjoying acts
of
affection with her husband. This had started causing
feelings
of ambivalence, guilt, anxiety
and strain
in her
marriage.
In a way, her lack
of awareness surprised me
and gave me reason to ponder, so after she left I sat
back
and reflected on her earlier uncertainties
and what I had said to her that had seemed so new
and
of which she had been so unaware. I recalled my words: |
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"There is a reason why even
the 'smallest' sexual or physical acts are so important
within
marriage yet so serious when engaged
in beforehand. You see,
the opportunity to procreate
and to have increase is a lasting or eternal opportunity
only
in
the Celestial Kingdom.
In other words,
the continuation or giving
of lives is a celestial blessing. We are given
the approved opportunity to approximate that sacred
celestial relationship here on
the earth only within very rigid conditions established
within a legitimate
marriage relationship. |
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"The
sexual act, which leads to
the giving
of life, is sacred, proper
and desirable within
the bounds
of a
marriage relationship: however, engaged
in by itself without proper physical, emotional
and spiritual preparation can be accompanied by physical,
emotional or spiritual pain. Therefore, tender embracing,
kissing
and fondling are an important part
of
the preparation for
the procreative act. Because each
of these acts is literally bound to each other
in a preparatory physical 'chain,' one may stop this
sequence at any point short
of
the next act only by exerting great will
and energy. This is
the reason even
the 'least' sexual or physical act is so important within
marriage yet so serious before
marriage…it is intended to lead to 'more'." |
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"You know," she said to me, "it
has always been so confusing that physical
affection could be so wrong one moment
and so right
the next. When I got married I couldn't quite get rid
of
the feeling
of wrongness, but now you seem to be telling me that such
affection has actually never been wrong." |
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"That's correct," I replied.
"Such physical intimacy has never suddenly become all right. It
has never been wrong—within
marriage. As you know,
the setting has always determined
the propriety
of almost anything we do. Pleasurable, physical
affection has always been proper, desirable
and even necessary within
marriage. You cannot have children without
the procreative act,
and that act should be prepared for
in a tender
and considerate manner. This is also why young couples,
prior to
marriage, need to be so cautious about their physical
expressions
of
affection. Each tender act is intended to lead to more,
and will lead to more unless interrupted by determined
effort. Such acts are supposed to prepare
and physically move a husband
and wife forward toward a culmination
of their feelings
of love
in
the procreative act,
the mutual creation
of life." |
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After reflecting on this
conversation, I recalled another occasion when I was confronted
by a young engaged couple who had been having repeated moral
problems
of a moderately serious nature. After explaining
the sequential relationship between various acts
of physical
affection, they said to me, "We really want to
keep our relationship clean, but how do we avoid that natural
progression from one act
of
affection to more serious ones?" |
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Of course
the solution was quite obvious. Don't start! But, they
seemed to need more direction
and explanation than that simple conclusion offered, so I
offered
some principles which, if followed, would help them avoid
the problem they asked about. |
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"These principles are very
simple, but very practical.
The first principle is to avoid being alone together, for
long periods
of time,
in stationary positions. This will help you avoid
the environment or circumstances which provides
the opportunity for transgression. Stop
and think for a moment
of
the circumstances surrounding each time you have gotten
into moral difficulty. Those circumstances have almost always
had all three conditions
in common. ." |
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They interrupted, "But we want
to be alone at times to talk about important, personal plans. We
can't do that just anywhere." |
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"Then keep
in mind that you do not need to avoid being alone." I
reassured. "The
principle is to avoid all three conditions at
the same time: being alone, for a long time,
and
in a stationary position. Any one or two
of these conditions
in combination at
the same time will not likely lead to any problem. It is
only when
the third condition is present along with
the other two that you have created
the most likely opportunity for transgression. |
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"The
second principle," I said. "is to avoid any behavior which
tempts you personally to do more. This will help you avoid
the problems associated with
the natural 'chain' relationship between various physical
acts
of
affection. If you avoid starting
the chain, or if you avoid
the temptation, you obviously avoid
the later
[p.7] transgression. I
realize this sounds simplistic, but it will require a
significant prior decision
and a great deal
of commitment on your part." |
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Hesitatingly, they finally
ventured, "We can see
the wisdom
in your advice, but we have such strong feelings for each
other. How can we show our love
and
affection if we don't kiss
and embrace?" |
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"I realize that as each
of you grows
in love for
the other you want to show your growing love
in increasingly stronger ways so that
the other person will know you love him or her more now
than you did before. Unfortunately,
the easiest, most readily accessible way to do this is
through more frequent
and passionate physical intimacies. This has led to a
prevalent untruth
in
the world that
the most desirable expression
of
affection is a physical or sexual one. This philosophy
completely ignores
the powerful expressions
of
affection that can come
in other ways such as through our verbal
and behavioral communications
of warmth, through our respectful acts,
and through
the countless little things which we can do for each
other. |
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"Once you are married you will
find that your physical relationship will be only a very small
part
of all your interactions. If you begin now to show your
inward feelings
of love
in verbal
and
in non-sexual ways you will receive two benefits. First,
you will enjoy a morally clean relationship during your
courtship. Second, you will begin to establish positive
habits
in
the things you do together that will carry over into your
marriage
and help build even more satisfying
and fulfilling ways
of behaving toward each other. Then
the stronger feelings
of mutual respect you will have established will give you
a more healthy context for appropriate expressions
of physical
affection
in your
marriage." |
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As I reflected on these two
experiences, I wondered what it is that brings about such
unawareness among our young people. Then it occurred to me that
sometimes we may unintentionally spend so much time cautioning
couples about
the problems
and consequences
of immorality that we tend to neglect practical
suggestions regarding how to maintain positive, morally clean
relationships
and also neglect
the need to place different kinds
of
affection
in their proper context within
courtship
and
marriage.
In summary: |
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1. We are given
the opportunity to approximate
the celestial blessing
of procreation here on
the earth within
the context
of
marriage,
and there need be no guilt from enjoying this God-given
relationship.
The sexual act does not "suddenly" become all right
in
marriage, but has always been proper, beautiful
and even necessary. It is
the setting which provides
the needed supportive conditions
and determines
the timeliness
and propriety
of this act.
Marriage is
the setting for procreation. |
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2.
The procreative act must be prepared for to avoid
physical, emotional or spiritual pain. For this reason even
the smallest physical intimacies such as kissing
and embracing are bound together
in a sequential chain that creates a natural progression
culminating
in
the final sexual act. |
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3. Since each physical act is
intended to lead to
the next, this sequence can be stopped only by exerting a
great deal
of strength
and energy.
In other words, it is not a matter
of weak will that couples are tempted to do more once
they have started this physical "chain." |
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4. To avoid starting this
natural "chain"
of physical intimacies, couples should avoid any behavior
which tempts them to do more. |
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5. To avoid
the environment
and circumstances which allow for moral transgression,
couples should avoid being alone together for long periods
of time,
in stationary positions. That is, they should avoid all
three conditions at
the same time. |
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6. As a couple grows
in love for each other, it would enhance their
courtship
and their later
marriage to continuously show their growing
affection
in creative, non-physically-intimate ways. |
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These principles were helpful to
a young woman concerned about
the propriety
of a physical relationship with her husband, to a young
engaged couple concerned about how to keep their relationship
morally clean,
and to countless others who have heard them. It is hoped
they will also be helpful to others who want to establish
mutually enhancing relationships. |
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Source: AMCAP
Journal, Vol.6, No. 1 (1980 Issue), pp.6-7 |
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