A Proclamation to the World

THE FIRST PRESIDENCY AND COUNCIL OF THE TWELVE APOSTLES
OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS T

HE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit Sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

 This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held
September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness

 Elder Joe J. Christensen Of the Presidency of the Seventy

 Here are eight practical suggestions for strengthening our marriages, now and in the future.

 Barbara and I have been blessed with six children. Some years ago, when we had taken all of them to visit with their grandparents, my father said, “Joe, I think you and Barbara have started something you can’t stop.”

At this Easter season, we declare to all the world that Jesus is the Christ and that through his holy priesthood and its sealing power, marriages and families ideally need never stop—need never come to an end.

Today, I would like to speak to all of you about our marriages. Here are eight practical suggestions that, hopefully, may be of value in strengthening our marriages, now and in the future.

1. Remember the central importance of your marriage. Listen to these words from Elder Bruce R. McConkie on the impor­tance of marriage in our Father in Heaven’s “great plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8):

“From the moment of birth into mortality to the time we are married in the temple, everything we have in the whole gospel system is to prepare and qualify us to enter that holy order of matrimony which makes us husband and wife in this life and in the world to come.... ‘There is nothing in this world as important as the creation and perfection of family units” (“Sal­vation Is a Family Affair,” Improve­ment Era, June 1970, pp. 43—44).

2. Pray for the success of your marriage. Years ago, when it was common for a General Authority to tour a mission and interview all the missionaries~ Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, was visiting with an elder who was just about to finish his mission.

“When you get released, Elder, what are your plans?”

“Oh, I plan to go back to col­lege,” and then with a smile added, “then I hope to fall in love and get married.”

Elder Kimball shared this wise counsel: “Well, don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Pray to love the one you many.”

We should pray to become more kind, courteous, humble, patient, forgiving, and especially loss selfish.

In order to recognize our personal problems or weaknesses which hinder us from being better marriage partners, we should come to the Lord in prayer and reap the benefits of this powerful Book of Mormon promise: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness... For if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

And so the need to pray. Many church leaders and marriage counselors indicate that they have not seen one marriage in serious trouble where the couple was still praying together daily. When problems arise and marriages are threatened, praying together as a couple may be the most important remedy.

3. Listen. Make the time to listen to your spouse; even schedule it regularly. Visit with each other and assess how you are doing as a marriage partner.

Brother Brent Barlow posed a question to a group of priesthood brethren: “How many of you would like to receive a revelation?” Every hand went up. He then suggested that they all go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands. He added, “I followed my own advice, and had a very informative discussion with [my wife] Susan for more than an hour that afternoon!” (ENSIGN, Sept. 1992, p. 17.) A conversation like that could be a revelation for any of us. Have any of you brethren ever had your wife say something like I beard recently: “Joe, are you listening?” She wasn’t the only one who wondered if I was listening. Some time ago, I was taking a nap and our little granddaughter Allison came and lifted up one of my eye-lids and said, “Grandpa, are you in there?” We should be “in there” and responsive to our mate.

4. Avoid “ceaseless pinpricking.” Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.

“Ceaseless pinpricking” (as President Kimball called it) can deflate almost any marriage (“Marriage and Divorce,” Brigham Young University 1976 Speeches of the Year, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1977, p. 148). Genera1ly, each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.

At times it is better to leave some things unsaid. As a newly-wed, Sister Lola Walters read in a magazine that in order to strength-en a marriage a couple should have regular, candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found to be annoying. She wrote: “We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange?...

“After I finished (with my five], it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me.... [He] said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’

“Gasp. “I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face.” Sister Walters concluded: “Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome”  (ENSIGN, Apr. 1993, p. 13).  Yes, at times, it is better to leave some things unsaid.

5. Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together— just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling. It doesn’t need to be costly. The time together is the most important element.

Once when my father-in-law was leaving the house after lunch to return to the field to work, my mother-in-law said, “Albert, you get right back in here and tell me you love me.” He grinned and jokingly said, “Elsie, when we were married, I told you I loved you, and if that ever changes, I’ll let you know.” It’s hard to overuse the expression, “I love you.” Use it daily.

6. Be quick to say, “I’m sorry.” As hard as it is to form the words, be swift to say, “I apologize, and please forgive me,” even though you are not the one who is totally at fault. True love is developed by those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes and offenses.

When differences do arise, being able to discuss and resolve them is important, but there are instances when it is best to take a time-out. Biting your tongue and counting to ten or even a hundred is important. And occasionally, even letting the sun go down on your wrath can help bring you back to the problem in the morning more rested, calm, and with a better chance for resolution. Occasionally, we hear something like, “Why, we have been married for fifty years, and we have never had a difference of opinion.” If that is literally the case, then one of the partners is overly dominated by the other or, as someone said, is a stranger to the truth. Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.

7. Learn to live within your means. Some of the most difficult challenges in marriage arise in the area of finances. “The American Bar Association. . . indicated that 89 percent of all divorces could be traced to quarrels and accusations over money” (ENSIGN, July 1975, p. 72).

Be willing to postpone or forgo some purchases in order to stay within your budget. Pay your tithing first and avoid debt insofar as possible. Remember that spending fifty dollars a month less than you receive equals happiness and spending fifty more equals misery. The time may have come to get out the scissors, your credit cards, and perform what Elder Holland called some “plastic surgery” (ENSIGN, June 1986, p. 30).

8. Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities. Don’t be like the husband who sits around home expecting to be waited on, feeling that earning the living is his chore and that his wife alone is responsible for the house and taking care of the children. The task of caring for home and family is more than one person’s responsibility. Remember that you are in this partnership together. Barbara and I have discovered that we can make our bed every morning in less than a minute and it’s done for the day. She says that she lets me do it to help me feel good about myself all day, and I guess there may be something to that.

Find time to study the scriptures together, and follow this sound counsel from President Kimball:

“When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically, ... and both are working together for the up building of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle” (Marriage and Divorce, Salt Lake City. Deseret Book Co., 1976, p. 24).

 In summary:

• Remember the central importance of your marriage.
• Pray for its success.
• Listen.
• Avoid “ceaseless pinpricking.”
• Keep your courtship alive.
• Be quick to say, I’m sorry.”
• Learn to live within our means.
• Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities.

I testify that Jesus is the Christ. The tomb was empty on that third day, and “as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive” (1 Cor. 15:22). Thus with gratitude for the sealing power within the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we can confidently say with the poet, “I shall but love thee better after death” (Elizabeth Barrett Browning, “How Do I Love Thee?”). In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Christensen, Joel. (May, 1995). Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness. The ENSIGN, 25(5), pp. 64-66. (Ibis address was delivered in the Sunday morning session of the 165th Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Lance-day Saints.) This material may be copied for incidental, noncommercial church or home use. Other uses require permission of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Changing Me, Changing My Marriage
By Gary Steggell

When we are willing to change, we discover that solutions to marital problems may not be so difficult as we once thought.

When Marie” first came in for counseling, she was disheartened and lonely even though she had been married for 15 years, had three beautiful children, and was actively involved in church. Teary-eyed, she described how her husband, Andy, didn’t seem to want to talk to her anymore and didn’t show as much affection toward her as before.

Marie had tried many times to turn Andy around. She had talked, ordered, pleaded, and nagged. She had tried the “silent treatment.” She had asked him to come with her to counseling. He responded by telling her that if there were problems, they were hers, not his. Marie loved Andy and wanted to be happier with him but was at a loss about what else she might do.

What I suggested to Marie surprised her. I told her that while I didn’t know how to help her change Andy, if she would concentrate on changing some things she was doing, she could introduce change into her marriage. This change would be an invitation for Andy to improve their relationship. For her first homework assignment, I asked her to do three things: list some of the ways she didn’t want Andy to change, list things she could do that she thought would please Andy, and write down her most common response to one or two situations that most troubled her. Based on what she wrote, we would discuss what she might do to help improve her marriage.

The concept shared with Marie is basic: if you want change in your marriage, change yourself first. You can start today, even if your partner doesn’t start today with you. The Lord directs us to “be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of [our] own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness” (D&C 58:27; emphasis added). This is especially important when flying to improve marriage relationships. When Marie returned the following week, we talked about using the following concepts as she decided how to make changes in herself and improve her marriage: do more of what works and less of what doesn’t, set specific goals that can be accomplished this week, and do something different today.

MORE OF WHAT WORKS

Marie’s first list contained things about Andy that she really did like. During the coming week she decided to make a specific effort to let him know what some of those things were. Since people tend to do those things that others notice and appreciate, this process would help encourage more of what was already working well in their marriage.

I shared with Marie an example of a couple who put this principle into practice. Katie and Ben had been married about three years when they came in for counseling. Although they still loved each other, they no longer felt the same excitement as when they were first married. Most of their time together was spent being critical of each other or bickering over insignificant things. During their second visit with me, they accepted the assignment to show more appreciation for each other during the week to come. When they returned a week later, they were smiling. They enthusiastically described how they had noticed and appreciated many good things each had done for the other and for the family. They were amazed at the number of things they didn’t remember noticing before.

This example helped Marie see how spouses who pay attention to the good things about each other and show more appreciation can make a real difference in their marriage. “Marriage is beautiful when beauty is looked for and cultivated,” President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, “It can be ugly and uncomfortable when one is looking for faults and is blinded to virtue” (ENSIGN, May 1991, 74).

We then turned to Marie’s second list, which contained things she might do to please Andy. Although she was feeling hurt by his behavior, Marie decided to be kinder in at least one new way during the next week. In order to be most effective, she would need to do this in the spirit of giving to Andy out of her love for him even though it might seem an unearned gift.

In a general conference talk, President Gordon B. Hinckley instructed Church members in the definition and practical application of love between a husband and wife: “I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion” (ENSIGN, May 1991,73). In marriage that focus of concern naturally leads to actions that keep selfishness in check and strengthen the relationship.

If you want to improve your marriage, encourage more of what is already working. Pay more attention to the good things your partner is doing, and do more of the things that please your spouse. This approach will refocus your attention and energy in a positive direction, and you may be surprised at the change in your own feelings and in your spouse’s attitude and actions.

LESS OF WHAT DOESN’T WORK

Marie’s third list was the one she most hoped to find help with. The many exchanges of hurtful behavior had discouraged her from believing that any real change could occur in her marriage. Sometimes the harder a husband or wife tries to make things better, the worse things become. This can happen if a spouse tries to fix the problem by doing more of what already isn’t working.

To illustrate, I shared with Marie the problem that Matthew and Laura struggled with. Matthew thought Laura was too preoccupied with their children’s care and wasn’t paying enough attention to him and to their marriage relationship. At first, he calmly talked to her about it. Laura, already sensing the problem but feeling pressured by her responsibilities as a mother, Primary teacher, school volunteer, and wife, felt worse when Matthew brought it up, even though his words were tactful and sincere.

Not knowing how to find more time and energy to respond to Matthew, and resenting his increased demand for her attention at a time when she wanted greater support from him, Laura withdrew, leaving the matter unresolved. Matthew, believing Laura was ignoring the problem, complained loudly one night, resorting to sarcasm. Hurt; Laura withdrew from Matthew even more. She began dreading Matthew’s return home from work each night, and the situation worsened until both concluded that their marriage was falling apart. Though Matthew believed he was trying to solve the problem by continuing to confront Laura and demand attention from her, he was only doing more of what didn’t work in the first place.

When I visited with Matthew, I asked him to list specific behaviors that were not bringing the results he so much wanted. Explaining, blaming, shouting, accusing, pleading, and coming home later and later were on his list. He wondered what he could do to break the cycle of unpleasantness. I asked him what kind of homecoming he really wanted from Laura. He thought for a moment, then said he wanted her to be happy to see him and to take a few minutes to talk with him alone each evening without the children.

We talked about other ways he might approach, invite, or encourage Laura to respond to his need. He decided to call her the next day before he left work and asked her if she’d give him 10 minutes alone with her when he arrived home. He explained to Laura that he had a surprise for the children and wanted her help. Intrigued, Laura consented. When he walked in the door, she was there to meet him. He asked her to help put a small treat by each child’s plate at dinner. Laura looked at Matthew and smiled at such a simple but fun idea. Together they plotted this small surprise for the children. It was a turning point.

Try this experiment and see if doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t work brings about some changes in your marriage. As you do so, make any mental adjustment necessary so you can act in harmony with this admonition from the Savior: “See that ye love one another;... cease to find fault one with another..

And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace” (D&C 88:123—25).

MILESTONES TO SUCCESS

Setting goals is an essential step toward change. As goals for improving marriage relationships are met one at a time, they become hope-promoting signposts for couples who might otherwise see reason to despair. Once Marie had given deep thought to her three lists, it was time to discuss some guidelines for effective goal setting. These include setting goals that are specific, focusing on positive behaviors, and describing goals in behavioral or action terms.

Set specific goals. Rebecca and McKay had been married only a few years, but neither one felt very loved. They set a goal to be more affectionate with each other. Rebecca decided to spend more time with McKay, calling him at work to say hello, and holding his hand more. McKay, on the other hand, chose to express his affection by touching, hugging, and kissing Rebecca more often. In spite of their efforts, they were disappointed with the results.

for what they were. They learned that having a vague goal is almost like having no goal at all. Rebecca and McKay then discussed what “increased affection” meant to the other and set their new goals in more specific terms. They agreed that Rebecca would kiss McKay good-bye when he left for work and to greet him the same way when he came home, and McKay would spend at least 10 minutes a day in pleasant conversation with Rebecca. In the next week, both were pleased with what began to happen and felt happier about their marriage.

Focus on positive behaviors. When couples are asked what they want to have happen in their marriage, they often describe instead what they don’t want, such as, “She spends money without even telling me” or, “He only complains about how messy the house is.” Complaining or describing what isn’t good about your husband or wife or marriage is not going to help when setting goals for improvement. Those same two complaints, restated as positive goals, could be: “Let’s decide together whenever we want to spend more than 20 dollars” and, “As I come home from work, I will notice three things that my wife did around the house today.”

Describe your goals in action tenns. Anthony and Jennifer were working on improving their relationship. When I asked Anthony what he could do to please Jennifer, he responded that he could be more kind. Since being kind can be fairly subjective and not readily observable, I asked Anthony for some outward way to recognize that he was being kinder to Jennifer. “What would you be doing if you were more kind? If we were watching a videotape of your efforts to be kind, what would we see?” H. answered that he would smile and say thank you more often and offer to help Jennifer regularly. His second answer described actions that could be easily observed by Jennifer.

These threeguides for goal setting were very helpful to Marie as she studied her list of things she wanted to tackle. As she began setting specific, measurable goals, we talked about the final step in pursuing change—begin today.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT TODAY

Whatever your present marriage relationship, you can do something today that can change things for the better. Many husbands and wives who seek help initially believe that their problems are so bad or have gone on for so long that change is impossible. The sheer magnitude of some marital problems and the extent of needed changes often discourage couples from even starting the process of change./p>

Yet changing behavior can start with very simple acts. My experience with hundreds of couples and individuals has taught me that even simple solutions can have far-reaching, positive effects and that every couple can do something different today that will improve themselves and their marriage. A kind gesture, an unexpected kiss on the cheek, a thoughtful word of appreciation can have a ripple effect that will invite and encourage goodwill throughout the week. In fact, it is often through some of our simplest actions that some of the greatest changes occur (see 1 Ne. 16:29; D&C 123:16).

Marie set specific goals, then went home and began work immediately on one goal in each of the three areas represented by her lists. Noticing over the next few days that something was different, Andy felt somewhat uncomfortable and wondered what was happening with Marie. He decided to attend therapy sessions with her to see that his point of view was clearly represented.

Marie was surprised and pleased that he seemed willing to join her. We met together for several visits, and Marie and Andy began working together to resolve long-standing problems. Their marriage improved. Marie was happier than she had been in many years in spite of many ups and downs. Andy was happier, and they are continuing to work together to resolve their differences and strive toward positive goals.

While solutions to long-standing problems may initially seem impossible to achieve, we can do something today that will move us along the right path. Cultivating new ways of dealing with seemingly complex issues—instead of ignoring them and hoping they will somehow disappear on their own—can kindle feelings of new hope and create a sense of moving ahead toward better times. The very acts of making lists, setting goals, and doing something different often help dispel discouragement. Then by concentrating on the things we like about our husband or wife, making an effort to do one thing especially for them as a gift of goodwill, and replacing behavior that doesn’t bring desired results with something new, we can begin today to do more of what works. In the process we may find, as President Hinckley has said, that “marriage is beautiful when beauty is looked for and cultivated (ENSIGN, May 1991, 74).

SteggeII, G. (January 1997) Changing Me, Changing My Marriage. The ENSIGN, 27(1), pp 56-60. This material may be copied for incidental, noncommercial church or home use. Other uses require permission of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Names have been changed.

Gary Steggell. manager of administration and special services for LDS Social Services, serves as ward mission leader in the Cherry Lane Ward.  Layton Utah East Stake.

Gospel topics: change, goal setting marriage, repentance

Interventions

It is helpful to conceptualize interventions as failing into three major categories: relationship, task, and environmental. Relationship interventions are the procedures the therapist (or other resource person) uses to establish rapport and build a sound relationship with the couple. Task interventions are the various skills or assignments used specifically to alter the spouses’ behavior. Finally, environmental interventions are those procedures which utilize supporting people and systems outside the counseling session to help alter the spouses’ behavior.

Task Interventions

Task interventions include reflective listening, acting as alter ego, refraining, pacing, and role playing. Bibliotheraphy and homework assignments are other examples. These interventions are designed specifically to help the spouses alter their behavior. The Marital Problems Checklist (see Appendix D) is an example of a task oriented exercise. These interventions are designed specifically to alter the spouses’ behavior and feelings toward each other.

Relationship Interventions

If the therapist is to be effective in task interventions such as giving assignments, teaching, confronting, modeling, and so forth, he must first establish a good relationship with the couple. A good therapeutic relationship is based on the following therapist qualities: attentiveness, genuineness, respect, concreteness (in verbal statements), expertness, empathy, and warmth.* The final three will receive attention.

1. Expertness. In order for the couple to trust the therapist and work well with him, they must have confidence in his knowledge and qualifications. He is an “expert” to whom they have come for help, and he should be able to provide professional help.

INTERVENTION: OVERALL TREATMENT PLAN. The couple will have confidence in the therapist’s ability if he provides clear direction and rationale for treatment. If he has a clear picture of the overall plan for treatment, he can manage the therapy sessions, pursue some details while ignoring others, set realistic goals, assign useful tasks, teach effectively, model appropriate behavior, and so forth. While performing these tasks can lend credibility to the therapist, he can perform them well only when they fit into a larger picture of the whole treatment plan. Otherwise, treatment becomes a “seat-of-the-pants” affair in which couples quickly lose faith.

2. Empathy. Empathy is the therapist’s ability to experience and articulate the partners’ deepest emotions. Until the spouses believe the therapist is able to do this, they will be unable to fully trust him.

INTERVENTION: REFLECTIVE LISTENING. Reflective listening is often used as a simple attending skill: listen to what the client says and then repeat or paraphrase it. At its most effective level, however, it is listening to the person’s deepest feelings (the feelings behind the words) and expressing them. These are feelings the person himself is usually unable to express. In order to do this, the therapist often must hear secondary feelings but understand and express the primary feelings underlying them. This is a crucial skill in demonstrating empathy and hence in forming the therapeutic relationship. Good training, intended for couples but also useful for therapists, can be found in the book Skills for Effective Communication listed in the bibliography.

3.Warmth. In addition to feeling understood, the spouses must also feet accepted and valued by the therapist The therapist must not only accept his clients as children of God and his brothers and sisters, but he must have faith that they can change and manage their lives.>

INTERVENTION: RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION. An important part of demonstrating acceptance is respectful, nonjudgmental communication. The therapist does not judge or condemn his client; he supports, teaches, confronts, and encourages.

Environmental Interventions

People in troubled marriages often experience a general sense of hopelessness. Their despair reaches beyond the marriage to include their entire outlook on life. Therefore, in treating a marriage it is often helpful to create a support system around the couple: people who can provide friendship and general assistance. This is the primary purpose of environmental interventions.

Spouses who begin to feel positive and hopeful in other areas of their lives can often transfer this attitude to their marriage. They can gain such an attitude if they receive broad support and have a secure foundation of help and friendship.

INTERVENTION: FRIENDSHIPPING. A couple experiencing marital problems should have a circle of concerned friends, even if they must be assigned. The bishop or other ecclesiastical leader can assign members of the ward to friendship the couple: invite them for family home evening, take them to parties, attend movies and other activities together, and so on. This circle should be built around people who are already friends of the couple as well as the couple’s home teachers and visiting teachers. The friendshipping should be constant and closely watched by the supervising ecclesiastical leader.

INTERVENTION: HOME TEACHERS AND VISITING TEACHERS. As mentioned, the home teachers and visiting teachers should be part of the nucleus of the couple’s circle of friends. They should be faithful in their visiting and friendshipping and should have frequent contact with the supervising leader. Ineffective home teachers and visiting teachers should be replaced.

INTERVENTION: CHURCH INVOLVEMENT. Involving the couple in greater Church activity is a very effective way of widening their circle of friends and of providing the needed spiritual help. Sometimes this involvement means changing or giving Church callings to the couple; sometimes it means activating them. In any case, even if only as a short-term goal, appropriate Church involvement is an important part of providing support

INTERVENTION: OTHER ASSISTANCE. There are many problems that can increase stress on the marriage: lack of money, poor health, irregular employment, poor housekeeping skills, and so on. These are areas the home teachers and visiting teachers should be alert to. Where they can help, such as by providing transportation, they should. Where they cannot, they should form teams of people who can help. Yard work; home improvements; career, financial, and employment counseling; homemaking education; babysitting; and many other services can be provided as needed by ward members. Needs will vary from couple to couple. However, home teachers and visiting teachers who work closely with the bishop and with their organizational leaders will be able to identify the particular needs and do whatever is necessary to meet them. Not only will they be alleviating some of the stress on the marriage, but they will also be demonstrating compassion and concern. This demonstration is perhaps the primary element in providing the couple much-needed support.

* A.P. Goldstein, “Relationship-enhancement Methods,” Helping People Change, ed. F.H. Kanfer and A.P. Goldstein (New York: Pergamon, pp 15-49

Click Here for a Marital Problem Questionnaire/Checklist

Communication Skills

Husbands and wives who can not or will not communicate about the important issues in their daily lives find that their problems tend to remain unsolved, their negative feelings build up, and their relationships suffer.

Why Couples Fail to Communicate

When a couple is reluctant to communicate, usually one or both spouses is not listening to the other or is attempting to control the other through heavy control talk.

There are other reasons, too. Sometimes marital partners have already decided what they think, and they uy to make their spouse agree with them rather than seeking to create mutual understanding. Or a couple may dislike disagreement so much that they fly to keep peace at any price.

Sometimes couples fail to communicate because they need help with even more basic issues—misting in each other, or feeling committed to each other and to the marriage. 

When there axe serious underlying problems that need to be resolved, couples may need help from Church leaders or professional counselors before they can successfully go through this communication program. If you and your partner find yourselves using the skills and concepts in this course to blame or hurt each other, please seek help before continuing on through the remaining sections. The material offered here works best when both partners sincerely want to improve the quality of their communication. They both must feel that the other will listen to and respect them.

How to Listen to Others

The remainder of this chapter will offer ideas and suggestions which will help you listen effectively so that your partner will be willing to communicate with you. Some of these suggestions may seem obvious to you while others may require considerable practice. The exercises at the end of the chapter will help you learn to use the suggestions.

 1. Listen and Observe Attentively

If you have ever listened to other people arguing, you have probably noticed that both persons were so busy thinking about what they were going to say next and defending their own ideas that they did not actually listen to each other. Patiently and attentively listening to your partner without interrupting or disagreeing, particularly when you strongly disagree, may be one of the most difficult things you will attempt to do.

The first two steps in developing the ability to listen to others are to 1) recognize that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, including your spouse, and 2) allow him or her to express this opinion.

 To help you become a good listener, pay close attention to your partner’s facial expressions, words, tone of voice, speed of speech, body movements, posture, and breathing rate. All of these things help you interpret what your partner says and does. In fact, your partner’s actions sometimes reveal feelings that he may not be fully aware of.

Listen for the following:

•  Sense statements: “The roads were snowy and slick this morning. I counted thirteen automobiles that were stuck alongside the freeway. It’s still snowing and more is predicted for tomorrow.”

• Interpretation statements: “This is the worst winter rye seen in a long time. It’s sure not the kind of weather to drive in.”

• Feeling statements: “I get really uptight and nervous when the weather’s like this.”

•  Intention statements: “I don’t think I’ll go to work tomorrow if it keeps this up.”
•  Action statements: “in fact, if we get the three to six inches that are predicted before the morning, I definitely won’t go to work.”

Your partner may not share all of her awareness with you in a single conversation, but if you pay attention, it is likely she will be more open with you.

 2. Show That You Understand What Your Partner Says (Acknowledging) 

As you listen, make brief comments which show that you understand what your partner is experiencing. This is called acknowledging. As you do this, you let your partner know that you understand how she sees things, and that your are not trying to make her agree with you. 

You can make comments on any of the five facets of your partner’s awareness:

“I think I can understand why you see it that way.” (Interpretation)

“I’ve noticed that you smile every time you talk about it.” (action)

“I didn’t realize how excited you are.” (feeling)

“You must really want the new job.” (intention)

“I can imagine what he sounded like.” (sense)

By making comments like this, you show that you accept your partner’s experience and right to express it. You also encourage greater sharing and openness.

3. Show Interest and Invite Sharing

 Your actions alone will make a great difference in how much your spouse is willing to share with you. You can show interest by looking your partner in the eye, but not to the point of staring, by leaning forward;, little in your chair, and by periodically nodding your head or smiling. Short statements or words which show interest are also helpful, such as

“uh-huh,” “ummm,” “that’s interesting,” “good” etc. You can also make helpful suggestions such as:

“I’d like to hear more.”

“Is there anything else you can tell me?”

“What else can you add?”

“Tell me more about what happened.”

The important thing is that your actions and statements show your genuine interest in your partner. Otherwise your partner may feel that you are using communication skills in order to manipulate her.

 4. Make Sure You Understand What Ii Being Said (Checking Out)

 There may be times when your spouse does not give you enough information for you to fully understand what she is talking about. Or, your spouse may explain something quite clearly, but you would like to know even more. On othe -occasions, you may think you know what is being said, but you want to make sure your interpretation is correct.

By using the skill of “checking out,” you can make sure you understand what your partner is saying and fill in any missing information. You can ask questions such as the following to make sure you understand all five facets of your partner’s self-awareness:

“What did you see or hear’?” (sensations)

“What do you think?” (interpretations)

“How do you feel?” (feelings)

“What do you plan on doing?” (intentions)

“What are you going to do?” (actions)

You can also repeat back the message as you understand it and let your partner tell you whether you have understood correctly or not. For example:

“You’re telling me that you’d like me to give you more encouragement. Is that right?”

When you are asking questions to make sure you understand your partner, avoid asking “why” questions such as “Why did you do that?” or “Why do you feel that way?” “Why” questions usually put others on the defensive and make them feel challenged, blamed, obligated to justify their actions.

Try to restate “why” questions so that they become “what,” “where,” “how,” “who,” or

“when” questions. This will help you get information instead of a reaction. For example:

“How did you decide to do it that way?”

“What happened that you feel this way?” 

5. Seek for a Common Understanding of What Is Being Said (Shared Meaning)

Perhaps you and your spouse have made decisions in the past only to discover later that you had very different ideas of what you thought you had agreed upon.

Nearly everybody has had this experience. Each of us comes from a unique background, and we have learned to view the world in a unique way. As a result, no two people always see, hear, or do things in the same way. it is easy for a couple to end a. conversation believing that they have reached the same conclusion when, in reality, they have two entirely different impressions of what was said or agreed upon.

 When you are discussing important matters, solving problems, making decisions, or explaining your position on a critical issue, a three-step process called “shared meaning”

can help you and your spouse understand each other clearly.

 If your partner is the one explaining his position or presenting a problem, you should first, state that you want to make sure you understand him clearly; second, report in your

own words the message you heard; third, have your partner clar!15’ what he said if your understanding was not correct, or confirm that you understood it correctly. Here is an example of how this process works:

 (Partner shares her self-awareness.) “We’ve got to do something about our money problems. We have so many bills that keep popping up and no money to take care of them. I feel like rye had to worry about this all by myself and I’d sure like some help.” 

(You state that you want to understand your partner clearly.) “Okay. I’m interested in solving the problem so let’s take a look at it. But first, let me see if I got it right.” .... "Okay.” 

(You report back your understanding of the message.) “Are you saying that I haven’t helped and that’s why we have the problem?” 

(Partner clarifies.) “No, not exactly. You do help pay the bills and you balance the checkbook. But we don’t sit down together and actually figure out our priorities and budget how we’re going to spend our money. Too often we buy impulsively and end up being unable to afford the things we really need.

 (You report back a second time.) “Oh, I see. So you’re saying we need to take more time to figure out the best way to spend our money.” 

(Partner confirms.) “Right.” If you are the one beginning the discussion, you can also state that you want to come to a shared meaning: “I feel pretty strongly about this but I’m not sure I can explain it clearly. Will you tell me what you understand me to say?”

 You and your partner should continue to report back and clarify until you both agree that you understand the intended message. At that point, you have a “shared meaning.” The shared meaning process has a number of benefits:

1. Partners must not judge or argue while they are trying to come to a common understanding. This is particularly helpful if one or both partners have a tendency to argue.

2. The speaker can fully share her self-awareness without fear of interruptions or arguments.

3. The listening spouse must pay careful attention so that she can accurately restate the message being sent.

4. The person sharing her feelings knows exactly what message the listener is receiving, and she can clarity or expand as needed

6. Empathic Listening 

When your spouse is upset and needs to discuss an emotional problem, you can listen empathically to help her share her feelings. Empathic listening and the shared meaning process have much in common. However, with empathic listening, the listener does not announce her intention to use this skill. Instead, when she senses that her partner is con­cerned about something, she restates or shares her impression of the partner’s feelings and the content of the message. Here is an example: “I don’t like what’s been happening to us lately. It seems like we’re growing farther and farther apart.” 

(Repeats back impression of feelings and message content.) “I’ve thought that something’s been bothering you. So you’re worried about our relationship.”

 (Expands, clarifies.) “Yes I am. We used to do little things that showed each other that we cared. We hardly speak to each other anymore. You’re gone so much of the time and I’m so highly involved with my job.”

 (Repeats back understanding of feelings and content.) “Then it’s the time apart that’s bothering you.”

 (Expands, clarifies.) “The time apart doesn’t bother me as much as the attitude that I’ve been feeling in our relationship (starts to cry). I guess the thing that bothers me most is that I feel you don’t care much about me anymore.” 

(Repeats back feelings, content.) “So you think I don’t love you anymore, and that’s why you feel so bad.”

(Confirms.) “Yes.”

Empathic listening has these benefits:

1. The listener must listen carefully enough to repeat back both feelings and content.

2. The listener must refrain from arguing or denying the feelings that are being shared.

3. The speaker can fully share her feelings, a process which often leads both partners to discover and examine the source of their negative feelings. Otherwise, partners can easily start quarreling about the feelings themselves.

4. The speaker knows that she has been accurately understood. Use empathic listening thoughtfully and appropriately. You do not need to rephrase every thought and feeling, only enough of them to show interest, s . how that you understand, and invite the speaker to continue. Too much rephrasing may sound mechanical. If poorly done, it may sound like parroting, or worse, like sarcasm.

After you understand your spouse’s message, it is time for you to stop rephrasing and start:

1. Offering support and encouragement as needed.

2. Expressing your own ideas and feelings.

3. Offering appropriate suggestions, sparingly. As with the other skills we have talked about in these lessons, you must not use empathic listening as a way of obtaining information from your spouse which you intent to use against her.

Exercise 3-1   Your ability to listen to your partner and invite her to share thoughts, feelings, and intentions is greatly influenced by the way you respond-what you say, the tone of your voice, your facial expressions, your body posture, and so on. Some people unknowingly convey disinterest or other attitudes which make sharing difficult. For the next 5 to 1 0 minutes, explore with your partner the things you do that make it easier for her to talk to you. Avoid dwelling on any negative actions which make communication difficult. Then reverse roles so that both of you find out what the other has observed. Write down what you have each learned. During the week try to increase the number of things you do to make it easier for your partner to’ talk to you. Please share the results with your agency practitioner.

Exercise 3-2    Select a topic from among those listed below or choose any other subject you would like. Then discuss the topic with your spouse and try to come to a common understanding by using the three-step shared meaning process. Decide who will send the message and who will receive it. If you are initiating the conversation, do the following.

1. State your message as clearly and accurately as you can, making sure that you share at least two facets of your self-awareness.

Make your statement fairly brief.

2. Confirm or clarify your partner’s understanding of what you said as she reports itback to you.

If you are receiving the information, do the following:

1. Report back in your own words your understanding of what your partner says.

2. Do not comment about the message or argue with your partner.

3.  Keep reporting back your understanding of the message until your partner says that you have correctly understood.

Take turns giving and receiving information. If possible, tape your conversation. This will allow you to review your conversation and notice areas where you did well and areas where you need more work. Also, please share your recording with the practitioner who is assisting you.

Suggested Topics

Money management
Discipline of children
Spiritual activities
Social needs and activities
Sexual fulfillment
Agreement on goals and values
Ability to communicate
Ability to resolve differences
Showing appreciation and affection
Agreement on roles and responsibilities
Cooperation and teamwork
Decision-making
Romance in marriage
Handling anger and other negative feelings
Choice of friends
Use of spare time
Hobbies

Exercise 3-3   Using the skill of empathic listening, give a response for each of the statements following. Remember to share your impression of the feelings being conveyed as well as the content of the message. You may want to do this assignment individually and then compare your responses with your partner’s. Please share your statements with the agency practitioner.

1.  “It seems like you’re gone all the time now. We hardly ever get to see each other. And even when you are here, you’re so tied up with business calls that there’s still no time to really be together.”

2.  “Janet Smith made me so mad today. I’d like to really tell her what I think. She told Marge that she doesn’t want her kids playing with ours anymore because ours are a bunch of bullies. Who does she think she is?”

3.  “I can’t seem to get Jimmy to cooperate with me anymore. There’s so much that needs to be done around here and Jimmy needs to learn how to work. I really hate to see that boy grow up without learning to accept responsibility.”

4.  “I’d rather not go out tonight. I’ve had a really busy day, and I’d just as soon have some time to myself”

5.  “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about it.”

6.  “You know, what you just said kind of bothers me.” 

Exercise 3-4    Using one of the topics suggested on page 48 or one of your own choosing, practice the empathic listening process. Decide who will be giving and who will be receiving the message. If you are giving the message, please do the following:

1.  Share as many facets of your self-awareness as you can on the topic, including sensations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and actions. State as clearly as possible, avoiding any derogatory remarks.

2.  Confirm or clarify your partner’s understanding of what you say as he shares it with you. 

If you are receiving the message, please do the following:

1.  Share your understanding of the message and feelings shared by your partner.

2.  Do not respond to the message, add to it, or take anything away. Just rephrase your understanding of what your partner is saying.

3.  Keep sharing your understanding of your partner’s message and. feelings until she lets you know in some way—saying something, nodding, looking relieved— that she has shared her feelings completely and you have understood. Alternate giving and receiving the message. If possible, please tape your conversation. This will allow you to review your conversation and notice areas of strength and weakness. Also, please share your recording with the practitioner who is working with you.