INTRODUCTION
Few things are more important to a good
marriage than the words we speak and the way we speak them. The Apostle
James said that “if any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man,
and able also to bridle the whole body” (James 3:2). In the following
statement President Spencer W. Kimball also emphasized the importance of
skillful communication:
There is magic in words properly
used. Some people use them accurately, while others sloppily.
Words are means of communication,
and faulty signals give wrong impressions. Disorder and misunderstandings
are the results. Words underlie our whole life and are the tools of our
business, the expressions of our affections, and the records of our
progress. Words cause hearts to throb and tears to flow in sympathy. Words
can be sincere or hypocritical. Many of us are destitute of words and,
consequently, are clumsy with our speech, which sometimes becomes but
babble (“Love Versus Lust,” BYU Speeches of the Year [Provo:
Brigham Young University Press,
5 January, 1965],
p. 2.)
Couples who communicate skillfully, using
words that reflect the righteous intentions of their hearts, are more
likely to enjoy marital happiness and fulfillment. Skillful communication
helps identify and solve problems. It fosters mutual understanding and
respect. It unlocks the doors to the highest levels of human intimacy.
Every married couple can learn to
communicate effectively. The purpose of this booklet and the accompanying
tapes is to teach you skills which can help you to have a better
relationship with your marital partner. Consider these words of President
Kimball:
While marriage is difficult, and
discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting
happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than
the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple,
every person. (“Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, March, 1977, p. 3.)
This program has been adapted from a
couple communication course developed by Drs. Sherod Miller, Elam Nunnally,
and Daniel Wackman.1 There are four tapes, each with its
related chapter in this program. Beginning with tape 1, “The Four Styles
of Communication,” please listen to one tape each week, read the related
chapter, and complete the exercises as explained. These exercises will
help you learn to communicate more effectively in your marriage. The
agency practitioner will help you with the exercises. He can provide
valuable suggestions and encouragement as you learn the skills and
concepts discussed in this booklet and on the audio tapes.
The fourth tape and chapter explain how to
combine the skills that will be introduced and allow you to practice them.
Additional readings are suggested to help you apply all that you have
learned.
(See Couple Communication I and II, ‘Alive
and Aware,” “Talking Together,” and “Straight Talk,” by Drs.
Sherod Miller, Elam Nunally, and Daniel Wackman,
Interpersonal Communications, Inc., Minneapolis, Minnesota.)
CHAPTER
1: STYLES OF COMMUNICATION
At a given time, most people talk in one
or more of four different styles, each with its own purpose, tone of
voice, words, behaviors, and limitations.
Sometimes husbands and wives fail to
Communicate effectively because they use a style which is inappropriate
for the results they want to achieve.
Perhaps one or more of the following
situations has happened to you.
•
You wanted to share some intimate feelings but you ended up being flippant
and superficial.
•
You wanted to be playful and sociable but appeared too serious.
•
You wanted to join in an intellectual discussion but had difficulty
controlling your emotions. You became angry and tried to control the
discussion.
•
You wanted to communicate something important to you, but your partner did
not take you seriously.
The purpose of this lesson is to
introduce you to the four styles of communication and let you practice
each one. This will help you to select the style that is most appropriate
to a conversation and to more effectively get the results you want. Good
communicators develop the ability to choose and use the right style at the
right time.
The following outline describes the four
characteristics. Please review each style carefully, purposes, and
limitations
Style 1: Small Talk
Purpose
To be pleasant, courteous, and sociable without trying to change
anything.
Basic characteristics
Friendly, conventional, sometimes playful,
and sociable, seldom used to discuss important matters, speakers are
relaxed and do not share their inner feelings.
When Used
Planning simple events: “We need to drop
Jimmy off for baseball practice on the way home.” Exchanging
information: “The transmission is leaking oil again.”
Asking routine questions: “What time is
it?” Telling jokes and stories: “Have you heard the one about...”
Voicing preferences: “I’d prefer the
yellow one, please.”
Expressing opinions and ideas: “After
thinking about it, I believe we should...
Reporting events: “Today Is Aunt
Alice’s birthday.”
Common words, tone of voce
No unusual words. The voice is at a normal
pitch, usually friendly and relaxed.
Limitation or problems
Not suited to changing things, making
things happen, solving problems.
Style 2: Control Talk
| Purpose |
Light Control
To persuade
others or exercise legitimate authority. |
Heavy Control
To force others
to change, resist change, hurt others, make others feel guilty, win,
protect or defend self, avoid responsibility. |
| Basic Characteristics |
Persuading,
ordering, or instructing without high tension, little discussion of
real feelings. |
Strong feelings,
high tension, and little discussion of real feelings. |
| When Used |
Directing a subordinate or child:
“Check with before leaving.”
Telling what you expect:
“Let’s get to work on time.”
Dividing responsibilities:
“Wash
the car and I’ll wax it.”
Expressing dissatisfaction:
“That’s not the way to do it.”
Encouraging approved behavior:
“You did a good job of painting the
house.”
Teaching:
“Let me show you how to do it.”
Letting off steam:
“Boy, I get tired doing this all the
time!”
Persuading:
“Here, try it this way. It might be
easier.”
|
(Active Behaviors)
Name-calling
“You idiot.”
Mind-reading:
“That’s not what you meant at all.”
Blaming:
“It’s all your fault.”
Threatening:
“Do it or else!”
Judging:
“You’re not very smart.”
Ordering:
“Get out of here.” Putting down:
“Only a chauvinist would do that.”
Sarcasm:
“Yes, you’re dependable all right--always three hours
late.”
(Passive Behaviors)
Complaining:
“I get all the dirty jobs.”
Protecting self:
“I didn’t say that.”
Denying:
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Withholding:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Pitying self:
“Why am I the one who always gets picked
on?”
Acting innocent:
“What’s so bad about that?”
Procrastinating:
“I’ll do it later.”
Acting self-righteous:
“What gives you the right to question me?” |
| Common words, tone of
voice |
Frequent orders, closed questions,1
speaking for others.
Tone of voice is usually normal, though
sometimes a bit loud, firm and authoritative sounding.
|
Frequent use of such words as should,
ought, have to, always, never, every, right, wrong, good, bad.
Frequent orders, closed questions,1 speaking for others.
Tone of voice is harsh, emotional, threatening or sarcastic loud and
negative or soft and whiny. Speech is rapid. Speakers openly show
their feelings through their actions. |
| Limitations or
problems |
If
not used correctly can create misunderstanding, lack standing, lack
of intimacy, and tension. |
May lead to power struggles,
conflict, lack of intimacy. May harm self-esteem. May mean that
problems are dealt with unsuccessfully because partners give up to
avoid further conflict. |
|
1) Closed
questions are usually statements phrased in the form of a question.
The answer is often suggested by the question, and is based on a
negative assumption. For example: "Why are you so selfish?" |
Style
3: Search Talk
Purpose
To intellectually analyze an issue or event; to determine what is
causing it and what you might do about it. To find new ideas and options
Basic
characteristics
Tentative, speculative, little emotional risk or commitment to action.
When used
Identifying and clarifying issues:
It seems we haven’t spent much time
together lately.’
Examining background information:
“Maybe Karen acts that way because she’s
never had a father.’’
Finding other courses of action:
“Another way we might handle this is
to...”
Finding out how your partner thinks or feels:
“How do you see it?”
Giving impressions:
“The way it looks to me is that you
have...”
Paraphrasing:
“So what you’ve been telling me is
that...”
Giving explanations:
“I’ve usually done it this way because...
Trying to find causes:
“I’ll bet the reason we get along so well
is that we both have the same Interests and goals.”
Analyzing:
“There must be some connection between our
inability to resolve this matter and the way we’re treating the
children.”
Quoting another authority:
“I’ve noticed that it says in the Bible
..“
Common Words, tone of voice
Heavy use of qualifiers such as: probably, possibly, words maybe,
sometimes, perhaps, could, might. Normal tone of voice.
Limitations
or problems
Because feelings, intentions, and future
actions are expressed only tentatively, or not at all, style 3 is
limited, It does not move to the most important part of issues as style
4 does.
Style 4: Straight Talk
Purpose
To work toward solving sensitive issues, to build intimacy, to
understand and share yourself while coming to understand your partner,
to get all the information out in the open, to find better solutions.
Basic characteristics
Leads toward action,
deals with differences and tensions directly without blaming, demanding,
or defending, focuses on the present. Speakers talk about their
experiences completely and honestly. They (1) become aware of their own
sensations, interpretations, feelings, intentions, and actions—see
chapter 2; (2) accept their awareness, even though this may be
difficult, painful, or frightening; (3) act on their awareness (often
includes sharing their awareness), or in some cases choose not to act,
or find better ways to handle issues.
Communication is
clear, responsible, responsive, caring, and honest. Partners work
together.
When
used
Resolving feelings of dissatisfaction:
“I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling pretty
down since the party last night. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but
something was missing; maybe part of it has to do with the disagreement
we had yesterday. I’d like to resolve these feelings so everything is
okay again.”
Finding solutions:
“I was told something today that I believe neither of us
wants to hear. I’ve been transferred to the downtown office which means
I’ll have to commute for an hour to an hour-and-a-half each way. It’s
really frustrating. I’d like your help in figuring out the best way to
deal with this.”
Dealing with unmet
expectations:
“I’m really upset because my plans have been ruined
quite a bit lately. We had decided that I could use the station wagon
every Wednesday. But this is the third time in a row that you’ve had to
use it.”
Anticipating the
future:
“I’m really excited about your new job. The salary
sounds fantastic, and I think it will enable us to reach a lot of the
goals we’ve been talking about for a long time.
Sharing significant experiences:
“An interesting thing happened to me yesterday.
While I was going through some boxes in the attic I found...”
Expressing
feelings for your partner:
“Bill, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how
much you’ve come to mean to me over the years. While we’ve had our
differences and problems, overall our marriage has been pretty terrific.
I’ve always been able to count on you, and, well, I love you.”
Common words, tone of voice
Normal tone and pitch, but pace is often
slower than in other styles.
Limitations or problems
Not appropriate for every circumstance.
Too heavy for ordinary conversations and inefficient for handling
everyday decisions. Speakers should use it with care because they become
vulnerable and may be hurt if they share personal information with
someone who might use it against them.
Exercises
To help you better understand the concepts
presented in Chapter 1, please complete the following exercises and share
your responses with the agency practitioner.
Exercise 1-1
|
Statements/Questions |
Answers |
| I
don't care what you say, I'm not going to that PTA meeting. |
_________________________ |
| I like the way you've
fixed your hair. |
_________________________ |
| I'd rather not talk
about that now because I'm feeling frightened. I'd like to return
to it later. |
_________________________ |
| I'll have to work late
to finish inventory, so go ahead and have dinner without me. |
________________________ |
| I wonder what would
happen if we let Amy miss the bus one or two days in a row. If she
had to walk to school, maybe she'd try harder to get ready on
time. |
_________________________ |
| Your mother will
probably be hurt if we don't spend some time with her this summer. |
________________________________ |
| I feel very good about
our discussion this morning. Our financial situation has been
bothering my for some time now. I'm glad we talked about it. |
________________________________ |
| I want a good
relationship, too, so I appreciate the things you've told me. I'll
try to be more sensitive in the future. |
________________________________ |
| Why don't we let it
ride for now and see what happens. What do you think? |
________________________________ |
| Aw, come on now. You
can take a little teasing can't you? After all, you like that sort
of thing. |
________________________________ |
| The mountains are
certainly beautiful at this time of year. |
________________________________ |
| How dare you say that! |
________________________________ |
Exercise 1-2
Please answer the questions given below,
for you and your spouse, and then compare answers. Note agreements and
disagreements. Discuss those areas you would like to see improved. The
four styles of communication are style 1: Small Talk, style 2: Control
Talk, style 3:Search Talk, or style 4: Straight Talk.
Which of the four styles of communication do you use most
of the time when you are:
| |
Styles I
Use |
Style My
Partner Uses |
| a. Talking about the
quality of your marital relationship? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
Is there another style
which would seem more appropriate?
Yes No
If yes, which ones? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
b. Visiting with the family at the dinner table? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
Is there another style
which would seem more appropriate?
Yes No
If yes, which ones? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
c. Discussing your financial situation |
______________ |
______________ |
|
Is there another style
which would seem more appropriate?
Yes No
If yes, which ones? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
d. Disciplining the children? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
Is there another style
which would seem more appropriate?
Yes No
If yes, which ones? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
e. Making decisions about eh budget or other family matters? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
Is there another style
which would seem more appropriate?
Yes No
If yes, which ones? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
f. Spending an evening out together? |
______________ |
______________ |
|
Is there another style
which would seem more appropriate?
Yes No
If yes, which ones? |
______________ |
______________ |
Exercise 1-3
Record four conversations between you and
your partner in which you use each of the four styles of communication.
You may talk about any topics you choose. You will probably want to
choose a different topic for each style. You will receive more
information on style 4 in chapters 2, 3, and 4, but for now, do
your best with the description you already have. After making the
recording, please answer the following questions:
1.
Did you feel that you chose the right
style to use with each topic?
2.
Would some other style have been more appropriate for any of the topics?
Which one?
3. When you were using style 2, how did you feel about your tone of
voice, your partner’s tone of voice, and the general mood of the
discussion?
4. Were you able to use each style?
5. Which style do you feel the greatest need to work on?
6. Describe how your voice sounds to you in each of the styles. What
feelings do you have as you hear It?
7. Do you feel any differently about yourself after hearing these
conversations? In what way?
Answers to exercise
1-1: 1) Style 2
2) Style 1 3) Style 4
4) Style 1 5) Style 3
6) Style 3 7) Style 4
8) Style 4 9) Style 3 10) Style 2
11) Style 1 12) Style 2
UNDERSTANDING AND SHARING
“That has to be the best movie I have ever
seen!” exclaimed Phil as he and Jan walked out of the theatre.
“Oh, really? I didn’t think it was very
good myself,” retorted Jan.
“Mmm, anyway, how about getting something
to eat?”
“Great? I’m starved! There’s this new
little pizza place about two blocks away. We could--”
“Well, actually I was thinking more on the
line of an ice cream cone,” Phil interrupted, waving the only dollar he
had in front of Jan’s face.
“Oh,” said Jan, slightly disappointed, but
knowing how short they were on cash. “I guess I’m not that starved. Ice
cream would be real nice.”
“We’d better get to the car quick. It
looks like rain. And of course I just washed the car today.” Phil shook
his head in dismay.
A loud thunderclap broke the next few
seconds of silence. Jan smiled, thinking what good the rain would do the
flower bed she had planted on Saturday. They rushed for their car as the
rain began to fall.
Experiences similar to Phil and Jan’s have
probably occurred in your life at one time or another. You go to a movie
and thoroughly enjoy it while your spouse does not. You suggest eating
out, thinking of pizza while your spouse thinks of ice cream. You both
get caught in the same rainstorm, but your reactions are totally
different. The next day when someone asks you how your evening was,
chances are your response might not even remotely resemble what your
spouse would say. This difference results from your own individual
uniqueness. The way you react to a situation is dictated by how you
experience it--what goes on inside of you.
The
Awareness Wheel
The following
charts give additional details of the five facets of self-awareness and how they can be shared.
|
Sensations |
| What they are |
Information which you
gather through your senses. |
| Kinds of sensations |
Touch, smell, sight,
taste, sound. |
| Used to |
Describe what you see,
hear touch, taste, and smell. Answer questions about what, where,
when, how, and who. Support your interpretations of what is
happening. |
| Examples |
"This morning, before
breakfast. . ." (specific about times) "At the Main Street
Library, you began to . . " (specific about place) "When I asked
if you wanted to go, you frowned and shook your head, saying that
. . " (specific about other's actions) |
|
|
|
Interpretations |
| What they are |
Meanings you give to
information gathered from your senses. |
| Kinds of interpretations |
Beliefs, conclusions,
opinions, evaluations |
| Used to |
Express what you think
about your sensations. Share your understanding of what is taking
place. |
| Examples |
Undocumented Interpretation |
Documented Interpretation* |
| |
"You'll love vacationing on the
beach" |
“You told me Tuesday that you loved the
ocean (documenting what you heard and when you heard
it), and you just bought that new diving gear, (documenting what
you saw) so I thought you’d like vacationing on the beach.
Would you?” |
| |
"He just doesn't ever listen to
me!" |
“Even after I
told him not to snack before dinner tonight, he still had some
cookies and then jumped on his bike and left without telling me
where he was going or whether he’d be back for dinner.
(Documenting when and what.) When he does those
things I feel like he just doesn’t listen.” |
| |
"It's been a fun evening." |
“I enjoyed being with you tonight. The
movie was funny, and the restaurant served the best beef
stroganoff I’ve tasted. (Documenting place, and what you
saw and tasted.) I really had a great time.” |
|
*In some instances, it is helpful to show
others why you interpret things the way you do. You can do this by
providing others with the sensory information they need to understand
how you arrived at your interpretations. This is called documenting. |
|
|
|
|
Feelings |
| What they are |
Spontaneous, emotional
responses to a situation. |
| Kinds of feelings |
Pleased, calm, lonely,
sad, happy, amused, bored, excited, hesitant, anxious, confused,
satisfied, etc. |
| Used to |
Make yourself and your partner more aware of what you are feeling
by using statements beginning with “I feel...’’ or ‘‘I’rn...’’ |
| Examples |
“I’m really disappointed that the deal fell through.”
“I’m so happy when you’re home on Sundays.”
“I was confused at her response to my letter. |
|
|
|
Intentions |
| What they are |
What you want or expect, including your hopes and desires. Intentions
can be long-range or short range, pleasant or unpleasant. Intentions
motivate you to act. |
| Kinds of intentions |
Intent to persuade, discourage, explore, ignore, accept, reject,
share, withhold, praise, belittle, help, hurt, etc. |
| Used to |
Let your partner know what you want. Provide
information about what you would like for yourself or what you want
to do. Statements of intention usually begin with "I want", "I don't
want", "I'd like", "I intend", "I hope." |
| Examples |
“I don’t want to go to the movies, but I do want to be with you."
“I plan on getting my degree in a year.
“I’d like to let you know how I feel.” |
|
|
|
Actions |
| What they are |
What you actually have done, are doing, and will do.
(doing nothing is an action one might choose.) |
| Kinds of actions |
Past, present, and future. |
| Used to |
Report your behavior in a simple, descriptive way.
Let others know you are aware of your own behavior. Let your
partner know what you think your behavior means. |
| Examples |
"I waited at the bus stop for an hour."
"I'm sorry I interrupted you, but I had to let you
know I was leaving."
"I started to doze off because I had only a few
hours of sleep, not because I am bored with the meeting." |
Share Your Self Awareness
As you learn to
disclose all five facets of your self-awareness to your spouse, your
communication will become more open, honest, and rewarding. Through
self-disclosure, you can find greater unity and marital fulfillment.
You can communicate
effectively when you are able to share all five facets of your
self-awareness in a conversation. But you do not need to do it all in
one sentence. As a matter of fact, if you try to describe all of the
facets at once, your speech may be complicated and confusing. Put just
two or three parts of your self-awareness together. Here are some
examples of two-part statements~
“I’d like to help
you this weekend (intention), but I’m concerned about the things I need
to get done as well (feeling).”
“I fixed dinner and
left a plate for you in the refrigerator (past action).” I’ll be back at
nine o clock (future action).” Giving specific details to help your
partner understand why you feel as you do is also a two-part message:
“You must really be
upset! (interpretation) I see your face turning red! (describing what is
seen).”
Three-part messages
provide even more clarity and understanding:
“I’d like to help
you this weekend (intention), but I’m concerned about the things I need
to get done as well (feeling). I think it’d be better for me if I stayed
home (interpretation).”
“I fixed dinner and
left a plate for you in the refrigerator (past action). I’ll be back at
nine o’clock (future action). I’m sorry I won’t be home when you get
here (feeling).”
You can see how you
will be able to communicate better if you are aware of what you are
experiencing and can share your awareness with your spouse. The more
accurate the information you share, the more completely your spouse will
understand you.
Understand the Issue
Sometimes couples
argue without clearly identifying or understanding the issue which is
really behind their argument. When this happens, they often end an
argument without resolving anything. Both feel unsettled and upset and
are not even certain what they were quarreling about.
To keep this from
happening to you, it is helpful to discover the real reason why you
disagree. You can do this by examining all five facets of your
self-awareness. First, try to identify what may be disturbing you based
on what you have seen, heard of experienced through any of your senses]
Second, identify what you have thought about what you have observed.
Third, identify how you feel about it. Fourth, identify what you want or
intend to do about the problem. And Fifth, identify what you have done,
what you are doing, and what you will do about It.
Once you have
identified all of these facets, you will have a better idea of what, you
are concerned about and why. It is then much easier to resolve the
matter.
Speak for Yourself
How
often have you heard statements like the following:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That’s not what you really mean.”
“Of
course you like chopped liver.”
People who make such comments are judging
others’ thoughts, feelings, intentions and actions and trying to speak
for them. But most people do not like to be told what they think and
how they feel. Try to remember how you felt the last time someone spoke
for you this way.
An important part of sharing your
self-awareness is speaking only for yourself. When you speak for
yourself you report your own sensations, thoughts, feelings, intentions,
and actions, and you make sure that your spouse knows they are yours.
You will make clear that your feelings and
intentions are your own if you use such words as “I feel” when sharing
feelings, and “I want” or “I don’t want” or “I’d like” when sharing
intentions.
By speaking for yourself you also avoid
the trap of speaking for no one. You speak for no one when you say such
things as “One might assume it’s true,” or “A lot of people like chopped
liver.”
If you do not speak for yourself, those
around you can only guess at your feelings or intentions. They might
conclude that you do not think your feelings are very important. If your
partner does not speak for himself, you will become frustrated because
you will not be able to communicate honestly.
Exercises
The following exercises will help you
better understand what self-awareness is and how you can share yourself
in your conversations with your spouse. Please share the results of the
exercise with the practitioner with whom you are working. (The answers
are on page 36.)
Exercise 2-1
Read the following statements and identify
which facet of self-awareness (sensations, interpretations, feelings,
intentions, or actions), is being shared. Write your answer in the space
provided. Answers are found on page 36.
1)
“I’d like to discuss further what you said and understand how you feel.”
______________________________________
2)
“I imagine you’re probably very upset after what happened.”
_______________________________________________
3)
“During dinner I heard you say you wanted to give the children an
allowance." _________________________________
4)
“I
didn’t hear the phone ring when I was outside washing the car.”
___________________________________________
5)
“I’m really feeling ignored and unimportant right now."
_____________________________________________________
6)
“I assumed that you wanted to leave.”
_________________________________________________________________
7) "I’m
turning off the light and going to sleep now.”
_________________________________________________________
8)
“I’m still a little nervous about
speaking
tomorrow.”________________________________________________________
9)
“I don’t want to leave before morning.”
__________________________________________________________________
10)
I heard the door slam and you walked into the room frowning.”
_____________________________________________
Exercise
2-2
Think about an issue that concerns you now. It might involve your
spouse, your family finances, your personal growth, the children, or
other things. Take time to think about it. Try to understand it in terms
of your own self-awareness. In the spaces provided below, briefly
summarize the issue and then write down the answers to the questions
that follow. You can use this exercise regularly to help you understand
any area of concern in your life. Describe an issue, situation, or
worry:
1. What are my sensations? What have I
learned about the problem from my senses?
2. What are my interpretations? What
conclusions, assumptions, etc., have I drawn from what I’ve seen and
heard?
3. What are my feelings? What is my
emotional reaction to the issue?
4. What are my intentions? What do I
hope or expect will happen?
5. What are my actions? What have I
done, what am I doing, what will I do about the issue?
Exercise 2-3
Share with your spouse a recent experience
that meant a lot to you. Speak for yourself and document what you are
saying. Share all five facets of your self-awareness. Because this
exercise Is designed to help you practice sharing your self-awareness
but not to resolve problems (that comes later), choose an experience
that Is not an area of conflict for the two of you. After you have
shared your experience, have your spouse share an experience with you.
It may be helpful to tape what you say, then listen to the recording and
identify where you spoke for yourself and where you shared the five
facets of your self-awareness. Note the areas in which you are strong
and those in which you need to improve.This will help you to complete
the next exercise.
Exercise 2-4
Listed below are the skills you need to
share your self-awareness. Without consulting your partner, put an X
next to the skill you would like to practice, particularly during the
coming week. Then, put an X next to the skill you would like your spouse
to practice during the week. Compare your checklist with your spouse’s.
Share your ideas but practice the skill you really want to work on
during the coming week.
| |
Self |
Spouse |
| 1. Speaking for self |
______________ |
______________ |
| 2. Sharing sensations |
______________ |
______________ |
| 3. Sharing interpretations |
______________ |
______________ |
| 4. Sharing feelings |
______________ |
______________ |
| 5. Sharing intentions |
______________ |
______________ |
| 6. Sharing Actions |
______________ |
______________ |
(Answers to exercise 2-1): 1.IntentIon 2.
Interpretation 3.sensation 4.action 5.feeling 6 Interpretation 7.
action 8.feeling 9.Intention 10. sensation
LISTENING
TO OTHERS
Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt that
your husband or wife really wasn’t interested in what you
had to say?
Or perhaps you are the one who never
listens. At least that is what your husband or wife claIms. You are so
preoccupied with your own thoughts and interests that you do not
understand your spouse.
Husbands and wives who can not or will not
communicate about the important issues in their daily lives find that
their problems tend to remain unsolved, their negative feelings build up,
and their relationships suffer.
Why Couples Fail to Communicate
When a couple is reluctant to communicate,
usually one or both spouses is not listening to the other or is attempting
to control the other through heavy control talk.
There are other reasons, too. Sometimes
marital partners have already decided what they think, and they try to
make their spouse agree with them rather than seeking to create mutual
understanding. Or a couple may dislike disagreement so much that they try
to keep peace at any price.
Sometimes couples fall to communicate
because they need help with even more basic issues--trusting in each
other, or feeling committed to each other and to the marriage.
When there are serious underlying problems
that need to be resolved, couples may need help from Church leaders or
professional counselors before they can successfully go through this
communication program. If you and your partner find yourselves using the
skills and concepts in this course to blame or hurt each other please seek
help before continuing on through the remaining sections The material
offered here works best when both partners sincerely want to improve the
quality of their communication. They both must feel that the other will
listen to and respect them.
How to Listen to Others
The remainder of this chapter will
offer ideas and suggestions which will help you listen effectively so that
your partner will be willing to communicate with you. Some of these
suggestions may seem obvious to you while others may require considerable
practice. The exercises at the end of the chapter will help you learn to
use the suggestions.
1. Listen and Observe Attentively
If you have ever listened to other
people arguing, you have probably noticed that both persons were so busy
thinking about what they were going to say next and defending their own
ideas that they did not actually listen to each other. Patiently and
attentively listening to your partner without interrupting or disagreeing,
particularly when you strongly disagree, may be one of the most difficult
things you will attempt to do.
The first two steps in developing
the ability to listen to others are to 1) recognize that everyone is
entitled to his own opinion, including your spouse, and 2) allow him or
her to express this opinion.
To help you become a good listener,
pay close attention to your partner’s facial expressions, words, tone of
voice, speed of speech, body movements, posture, and breathing rate. All
of these things help you interpret what your partner says and does. In
fact, your partner’s actions sometimes reveal feelings that he may not be
fully aware of.
Use the awareness wheel to help you
pay attention. Listen for the following:
Sense
statements: “The roads were snowy and slick this morning. I counted
thirteen automobiles that were stuck alongside the freeway. It’s still
snowing and more is predicted for tomorrow.”
•
Interpretation statements: “This is the worst winter I’ve seen in a long
time. It’s sure not the kind of weather to drive in.”
•
Feeling statements: “I get really uptight and nervous when the weather’s
like this.”
•
Intention statements: “I don’t think I’ll go to work tomorrow if it keeps
this up.”
• Action statements: “In fact, if we get
the three to six inches that are predicted before the morning, I
definitely won’t go to work.”
Your partner may not share all of her
awareness with you in a single conversation, but if you pay attention, it
is likely she will be more open with you.
2. Show That You Understand What Your Partner Says (Acknowledging)
As you listen, make brief comments which
show that you understand what your partner is experiencing. This is called
acknowledging. As you do this, you let your partner know that you
understand how she sees things, and that your are not trying to make her
agree with you.
You can make comments on any of the five
facets of your partner’s awareness:
“I think I can understand why you see it
that way.” (Interpretation)
“I’ve noticed that you smile every time
you talk about it.” (action)
“I didn’t realize how excited you are.”
(feeling)
“You must really want the new job.”
(intention)
“I can imagine what he sounded like.”
(sense)
By making comments like this, you show
that you accept your partner’s experience and right to express it. You
also encourage greater sharing and openness.
3. Show interest and Invite Sharing
Your actions alone will make a great
difference in how much your spouse~ is willing to share with you. You can
show Interest by looking your partner in the eye, but not to the point of
staring, by leaning forward A little in your chair, and by periodically
nodding your head or smiling. Short statements or words which show
interest are also helpful, such as “uh-huh,” “ummm,” “that’s interesting,”
“good” etc. You can also make helpful suggestions such as:
“I’d like to hear more.”
“Is there anything else you can tell me?”
“What else can you add?”
“Tell me more about what happened.”
The important thing is that your actions
and statements show your genuine Interest in your partner. Otherwise your
partner may feel that you are using communication skills in order to
manipulate her.
4. Make Sure You Understand What Is Being Said (Checking
Out)
There may be times when your spouse does
not give you enough information for you to fully understand what
she is talking about. Or, your spouse may explain something quite clearly,
but you would like to know even more. On other occasions, you may think
you know what is being said, but you want to make sure your interpretation
is correct.
By using the skill of “checking out,” you
can make sure you understand what your partner is saying and fill in any
missing information. You can ask questions such as the following to make
sure you understand all five facets of your partner’s self-awareness:
“What
did you see or hear’?” (sensations)
“What do you think?” (Interpretations)
“How do you feel?” (feelings)
“What do you plan on doing?” (intentions)
“What are you going to do?” (actions)
You can also repeat back the message as
you understand it and let your partner tell you whether you have
understood correctly or not. For example: You’re telling me
that you’d like me to give you more encouragement. Is that right?”
When you are asking questions to make sure
you understand your partner, avoid asking “why” questions such as “Why did
you do that?” or “Why do you feel that way?” “Why” questions usually put
others on the defensive and make them feel challenged, blamed, obligated
to justify their actions.
Try to restate “why” questions so that
they become “what,” “where,” “how,” “who,” or “when” questions. This will
help you get information instead of a reaction. For example: “How
did you decide to do it that way?” “What happened that you feel this
way?”
5. Seek for a Common Understanding of What is Being Said
(Shared Meaning)
Perhaps you and your spouse have made
decisions in the past only to discover later that you had very different
ideas of what you thought you had agreed upon.
Nearly everybody has had this experience.
Each of us comes from a unique background, and we have learned to view the
world in a unique way. As a result, no two people always see, hear, or do
things in the same way. It is easy for a couple to end a conversation
believing that they have reached the same conclusion when, in reality,
they have two entirely different impressions of what was said or agreed
upon.
When you are discussing important matters,
solving problems, making decisions, or explaining your position on a
critical issue, a three-step process called “shared meaning” can help you
and your spouse understand each other clearly.
If your partner is the one explaining his
position or presenting a problem, you should first, state that you want
to make sure you understand him clearly; second, report In your own
words the message you heard; third, have your partner clarify what
he said if your understanding was not correct, or confirm that you
understood it correctly. Here is an example of how this process works:
(Partner shares her self-awareness.)
“We’ve got to do something about our money problems. We have so many bills
that keep popping up and no money to take care of them. I feel like I’ve
had to worry about this all by myself and I’d sure like some help.”
(You state that you want to understand
your partner clearly.) “Okay. I’m interested in solving the problem so
let’s take a look at it. But first, let me see if I got it right.”
“Okay.”
(You
report back your understanding of the message.) “Are you saying that I
haven’t helped and that’s why we have the problem?”
(Partner clarifies.) “No, not exactly. You
do help pay the bills and you balance the checkbook. But we don’t sit down
together and actually figure out our priorities and budget how we’re going
to spend our money. Too often we buy impulsively and end up being unable
to afford the things we really need.
(You report back a second time.) “Oh, I
see. So you’re saying we need to take more time to figure out the best way
to spend our money.
(Partner confirms.) “Right.”
If you are the one beginning the
discussion, you can also state that you want to come to a shared meaning:
“I feel pretty strongly about this but I’m not sure I can explain It
clearly. Will you tell me what you understand me to say?”
You and your partner should continue to
report back and clarify until you both agree that you understand the
intended message. At that point, you have a “shared meaning.”
The shared meaning process has a number of
benefits:
1. Partners must not judge or argue
while they are trying to come to a common understanding. This is
particularly helpful if one or both partners have a tendency to argue.
2.
The speaker can fully share her self-awareness without fear of
interruptions or arguments.
3. The listening spouse must pay
careful attention so that she can accurately restate the message being
sent.
4. The person sharing her feelings knows
exactly what message the listener is receiving, and she can clarify or
expand as needed.
6. Empathic Listening
When your spouse is upset and needs to
discuss an emotional problem, you can listen empathically to help her
share her feelings. Empathic listening and the shared meaning process
have much in common. However, with empathic listening, the listener does
not announce her intention to use this skill. Instead, when she senses
that her partner is concerned about something, she restates or shares her
impression of the partner’s feelings and the content of the message. Here
is an example:
“I don’t like what’s been happening to us
lately. It seems like we’re growing farther and farther apart.”
(Repeats back impression of feelings and
message content.) “I’ve thought that something’s been bothering you. So
you’re worried about our relationship.”
(Expands, clarifies.) “Yes I am. We used
to do little things that showed each other that we cared. We hardly speak
to each other anymore. You’re gone so much of the time and I’m so highly
involved with my job.”
(Repeats back understanding of feelings
and content.) “Then it’s the time apart that’s bothering you.”
(Expands, clarifies.) “The time apart
doesn’t bother me as much as the attitude that I’ve been feeling in our
relationship (starts to cry). I guess the thing that bothers me most Is
that I feel you don’t care much about me anymore.”
(Repeats back feelings, content.) “So you
think I don’t love you anymore, and that’s why you feel so bad.”
(Confirms.) “Yes.”
Empathic listening has these benefits:
1. The listener must listen carefully
enough to repeat back both feelings and content.
2. The listener must refrain from arguing
or denying the feelings that are being shared.
3. The speaker can fully share her
feelings, a process which often leads both partners to discover and
examine the source of their negative feelings. Otherwise, partners can
easily start quarreling about the feelings themselves.
4. The speaker knows that she has been
accurately understood.
Use empathic listening thoughtfully and
appropriately. You do not need to rephrase every thought and feeling, only
enough of them to show interest, show that you understand, and invite the
speaker to continue. Too much rephrasing may sound mechanical. If poorly
done, it may sound like parroting, or worse, like sarcasm.
After you understand your spouse’s
massage, it Is time for you to stop rephrasing and start:
1. Offering support and encouragement as
needed.
2.
Expressing your own ideas and feelings.
3. Offering appropriate suggestions,
sparingly.
As with the other skills we have talked
about in these lessons, you must not use empathic listening as a way of
obtaining information from your spouse which you intent to use against
her.
Exercises
Exercise 3-1
Your ability to listen to your
partner and invite her to share thoughts, feelings, and intentions is
greatly influenced by the way you respond--what you say, the tone of your
voice, your facial expressions, your body posture, and so on. Some people
unknowingly convey disinterest or other attitudes which make sharing
difficult. For the next 5 to 10 minutes, explore with your partner the
things you do that make it easier for her to talk to you. Avoid dwelling
on any negative actions which make communication difficult. Then reverse
roles so that both of you find out what the other has observed.
Write
down what you have each learned. During the week try to increase the
number of things you do to make it easier for your partner to talk to you.
Please share the results with your agency practitioner.
Exercise 3-2
Select a topic from among those
listed below or choose any other subject you would like. Then discuss the
topic with your spouse and try to come to a common understanding by using
the three-step shared meaning process. Decide who will send the message
and who will receive it.
If you are initiating the
conversation, do the following:
1. State your message as clearly and
accurately as you can, making sure that you share at least two facets of
your self-awareness.
Make your statement fairly brief.
2. Confirm or clarify your
partner’s understanding of what you said as she reports it back
to you.
If you are receiving the
information, do the following:
1. Report back in your own words
your understanding of what your partner says.
2.
Do not comment about the message or argue with your partner.
3. Keep reporting back your
understanding of the message until your partner says that you have
correctly understood.
Take turns giving and receiving information. if possible,
tape your conversationi This will allow you to review your conversation
and notice areas where you did well and areas where you need more work.
Also, please share your recording with the practitioner who is assisting
you.
Suggested Topics
Money management
Discipline of children
Spiritual activities
Social needs and activities
Sexual fulfillment
Agreement on goals and values
Ability to communicate
Ability to resolve differences
Showing appreciation and affection
Agreement on roles and responsibilities
Cooperation and teamwork
Decision-making
Romance in marriage
Handling anger and other negative feelings
Choice of friends
Hobbies
Use of spare time
Exercise 3-3
Using the skill of empathic listening,
give a response for each of the statements following. Remember to share
your impression of the feelings being conveyed as well as the content of
the message. You may want to do this assignment individually and then
compare your responses with your partner’s. Please share your statements
with the agency practitioner.
1.
“It seems like you’re gone all the time now. We hardly ever get to see
each other. And even when you are here, you’re so tied up with business
calls that there’s still no time to really be together.”
2.
“I can’t seem to get Jimmy to cooperate
with me anymore. There’s so much that needs to be done around here and
Jimmy needs to learn how to work. I really hate to see that boy grow up
without learning to accept responsibility."
3. "I’d rather not go out tonight. I’ve had a
really busy day, and I’d just as soon have some time to myself.”
4. “Janet Smith made me so mad
today. I’d like to really tell her what I think. She told Marge that she
doesn’t want her kids playing with ours anymore because ours are a bunch
of bullies. Who does she think she is?”
5. “Please leave me alone. I don’t want
to talk about it.”
6. “You know, what you just said kind of
bothers me.”
Exercise 3-4
Using one of the topics suggested on page
48 or one of your own choosing, practice the empathic listening
process. Decide who will be giving and who will be receiving the message.
If you are giving the message, please do
the following:
2.
Share as many facets of your self-awareness as you can on he topic,
including sensations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and actions. State
as clearly as possible, avoiding any derogatory remarks.
Confirm or clarify your partner’s
understanding of what you say as he shares it with you.
If you are receiving the message, please
do the following:
1.
Share your understanding of the message and feelings shared by your
partner.
2. Do not respond to the message,
add to it, or take anything away. Just rephrase your understanding of what
your partner is saying.
3. Keep sharing your understanding of your
partner’s message and feelings until she lets you know in some way--saying
something, nodding, looking relieved--that she has shared her feelings
completely and you have understood.
Alternate giving and receiving the
message. if possible, please tape your conversation. This, will allow you
to review your conversation and notice areas of strength and weakness.
Also, please share your recording with the practitioner who is working
with you.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
In previous chapters we have discussed the
various ways in which spouses communicate with each other, focusing upon
the skills involved in style 4 communication.
This chapter will show you how you can use
all of these skills effectively. The exercises at the end of the chapter
will give you practice in using them to improve communication in your
marriage.
As you may remember, style 4 communication
Is used to handle sensitive issues such as differences, tensions, or
problems, without blaming, demanding, or defending. Style 4 communication
has been called straight talk because It is direct and helps partners
decide what action to take, yet it allows partners to be sensitive to each
other’s feelings and build intimacy. The following example will help
illustrate how style 4 communication works.
Imagine for a moment this scene: you are
married, the father of three children, you have had a hard day at the
office, and you are exhausted and hungry, but the traffic is particularly
heavy tonight so it takes you an extra hour to get home. You cannot wait
for your overstuffed chair, your slippers, and a nice relaxing evening
with your wife and children. But when you walk through the door, the house
is a total mess, and your wife hands you a bawling baby and tells you she
has not had time to think about dinner, but she will throw something on.
Or you are the wife. Your youngest child
has not been feeling well all day and has demanded almost constant
attention. The other children have been irritable and uncooperative. You
had to leave for an hour in the late afternoon to go visiting teaching
because your partner insisted that It was the only time this month she
could go. When you came home, the baby was crying and your two older
children had brought friends into the house and turned the place upside
down. You need help. You cannot wait for your husband to come home and
help you. But he shows up an hour late.
This
is a time when many husbands and wives would communicate using style 2
communication You are both upset and both want to tell your spouse exactly
how you feel.
And you do. But this time you do it
appropriately, in a way that builds rather than destroys your
relationship. Instead of attacking your partner using the heavy style 2
approach, you use all the skills you have learned for style 4
communication. Specifically, you:
• Share your self-awareness--your
sensations, interpretations, feelings, intentions, and actions.
•
Help your spouse also to share his self-awareness.
To do this, you demonstrate your
willingness to listen by being attentive, by allowing your partner to
speak without interruption, by respecting and acknowledging his viewpoint
even though it is different from your own, by showing interest, by making
sure you clearly understand your partner, and by coming to a shared
understanding of information.
If you were in perfect control of
yourself, doing these things might not be difficult. But in this case, you
are upset and frustrated and feel the need to deal with your own emotions
as well as those of your partner.
Here is how a couple in this situation
might, use style 4 communication:
| |
Dialogue |
Commentary |
| Husband: |
"You know, I can sense that you’re frustrated and upset. So am I.
And before we jump to any conclusions and start making accusations
maybe we ought to talk this out" |
The husband recognizes from his
wife’s behavior that she is as upset as he is. He acknowledges that
a mutual problem exists, shares his feelings and announces his
intention to help work out the difficulty. |
| Wife: |
"I think we'd better because you're
right. I am upset and we'd better talk about it now. Do you want to
start or should I?" |
The wife discloses her feelings and
intentions to participate in talking out the problem. |
| Husband: |
"Go ahead." |
|
| Wife: |
"That's probably a good idea because
I'm not sure how well I can listen right now. Today has been a
disaster. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." |
The wife begins with a report of her
impressions. |
| Husband: |
"What happened?" |
Because her statement "Today has been
one total disaster" is vague, the husband invites her to tell him
more. |
| Wife: |
"First of all, the baby woke up this
morning with a fever and has refused to let me out of his sight most
of the day, except when he went down for a hap this afternoon. When
he finally did go to sleep, I thought I'd be able to get something
done. But then Sister Jones called and wanted to go visiting
teaching. She said it was the only time she'd be able to do it this
month. So I got Jane to baby sit and I went. And what happened while
I was gone? Michael and Kathy brought their friends home form
school. They literally tore the place to pieces. So, when I came
home, the place was in a mess, Billy was crying, the older kids had
left, and I knew you'd be home any minute wanting dinner. But Billy
wanted to be held. So I held him hoping you would come home and give
me a hand. Then you were an hour late" |
|
| Husband: |
"You must be totally
frustrated." |
Husband acknowledges her
feelings. |
| Wife: |
"You're right. I am." |
The wife acknowledges
that his understanding is correct. |
| Husband: |
"I'm glad to know what
problems you've been having because I've been pretty upset too. We
lost an important account at work today, and I was given much of the
blame although, I don't think it was my fault." |
The husband reports the
experiences (sensations) which have contributed to his feeling of
unhappiness. |
| Wife: |
"I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll bet you're discouraged too." |
Wife acknowledges his
feelings of discouragement. |
| Husband: |
"As a matter of fact, I
was looking forward to coming home and receiving a little solace but
I had to fight my way through a traffic jam, and like you said, I
was a hour late." |
He reports additional
sensations-fighting his way through traffic and arriving home and
hour late. |
| Wife: |
"And then you saw the
house in a mess, no dinner on the table, and an unhappy wife, which
I'm sure didn't help the situation." |
The wife presents her
interpretation about the greeting he received at home and how it
probably affected his feelings. |
| Husband: |
"Not particularly." |
He acknowledges that her
interpretation is correct. |
| Wife: |
"So it looks like each
one of us was expecting something from the other and when we didn't
get it, we felt a little angry." |
She gives further
interpretations about why they are both upset. |
| Husband: |
"I think you're right." |
He acknowledges that her
interpretation is correct. |
| Wife: |
"So how are you feeling
now?" |
She checks out his
current feelings. |
| Husband: |
"Better, although I do
tend to become irritated when I see the house cluttered like it is
now. But it does help to know why." |
He shares his feelings,
including his tendency to become upset when the house is messy. |
| Wife: |
“I’ve noticed that, and I’ve felt at times
you’re pretty with me. l guess I'd like to know what you’re
thinking when you become upset.” |
The wife invites her
husband to further disclose his interpretations about the
housekeeping. |
| Husband: |
“Well, to tell the truth, I start to wonder what you
do all day. I realize that taking care of three children is a big
Job, and I don’t underestimate the amount of work you do. But it
seems to me that it would take such a little effort to keep things
put away. When I see the house looking like this, I begin to wonder
how you spend your time.” |
He reports his interpretation that she is
not working as hard as she could.
|
| Wife: |
“I appreciate
you being candid with me because like I said, I’ve sensed that
you’ve been unhappy about this. I’ll try to be just as
candid. The clutter Is a sore spot with me, too, for a number of
reasons. First of all, I feel like I’m the only one who tries to do
anything about it. At least once a day, and sometimes several times,
I’m telling the kids to pick up their clothing and their toys and to
put things away. I’ll tell them they can’t go out to play until
their work is done. They’ll spend an hour complaining about it when
it would take only five minutes to get the job done. After they do
finally get it done and go out to play, it seems like it’s only a
moment before they’re back inside dragging things out again and in
no time the place is in a mess. That’s what happened today. And then
you come home like you did today and sit down and read the newspaper
while I straighten the place up by myself. And sometimes, like last
night for example, I end up hanging up your coat, putting your shirt
in the hamper and your shoes I the closet. I start feeling as
thought I'm the only one around here who cares what the place looks
like. So I become discouraged and angry, and because of those
feelings, sometimes I don't try as hard as I should. It be a lot
easier if you'd help too. And I need help in teaching the children
to pick things up. My approach doesn't seem to be working." |
She acknowledges his view of things and then shares
her own, documenting them by reporting what she has observed in the
house-the children cluttering up the place, complaining when asked
to pick up. She also shares her interpretation, i.e., she feels
she’s the only one who tries to keep things put away. She reports
additional sensations about her husband and his lack of effort. She
shares her feelings of discouragement and anger as well as her
interpretation --"I'm the only one who cares." She also shares her
actions "I don't try as hard as I should." She shares her intentions
when she says that she wants help in teaching the children to pick
up after themselves.
|
| Husband: |
“Hmm. I appreciate your candor. I am
getting a different impression of what’s going on. And while It
makes me uncomfortable because it’s partly my fault, yet I want to
make sure that I’m understanding what you’re saying because
this Is important to me too. You’re upset because the rest of us
aren’t fulfilling our responsibilities. Is that it?” |
The husband openly acknowledges his
discomfort because of his contribution to the problem. He states his
desire to obtain a shared understanding of his wife’s statement. |
| Wife: |
“Exactly. And I realize that you have other responsibilities and
things to worry about too. But I need your help with this problem.” |
The wife acknowledges her husband’s other commitments, tells him
that his understanding of her message is correct, and again states
her intention to work together in solving the problem. |
| Husband: |
“You’re right. As I think of it, I haven’t thought much of picking
things up or even making sure that the kids do. I’ve just kind of
left it up to you. Okay. Lets talk about some ways this situation
can be corrected. We'll find a solution." |
The husband admits he is partly to
blame for the problem. He announces his intention to work out a
solution and his commitment to action. |
As this example illustrates, the husband
and wife are able to combine all of the skills in style 4 communication as
they work toward resolving a sensitive Issue in their marriage. Each
demonstrates respect for self by recognizing, accepting, and sharing his
self-awareness, and each shows respect for the other by helping him to
share the same kinds of information.
Mapping Out an Issue
Couples who use style 4 communication find
that they are able to resolve most of the important issues in their lives.
There are occasions, however, when couples are confronted with problems
that are particularly complicated. The issue may be very emotional for
both partners or involve fundamental beliefs on which the partners do not
agree. In such cases the couple may need a systematic approach to style 4
communication called “mapping an issue.” Outlined below are the four
steps which are involved in this process. You will note how a married
couple, Jack and Kay (please listen to their conversation on tape IV) use
this strategy to resolve a difficult issue in their relationship.
Step 1: Identify an issue and contract for a
time and place to work it through.
As Jack and Kay brainstormed issues in
their relationship that needed resolving, each came up with several
possibilities. Jack’s list included:
Dealing with anger in our relationship.
Budgeting for Cathy’s wedding.
Determining priorities for home improvements.
New
car.
Kay’s list read as follows:
Wedding budget.
How
to deal with anger.
Vacation plans for Christmas.
Sliding glass door in backyard.
After discussing these possibilities, Jack
and Kay selected anger as the topic ~they wanted to work on using the
mapping strategy. They decided to immediately proceed through the various
steps involved in this process. They placed “handling anger” in the center
of the awareness wheel and proceeded to step 2.
Step
2:
Thoroughly understand the issue.
In
this step, each partner, working separately, fills out the four sections
of the awareness wheel shown below in relation to the anger issue. Each
writes past and current actions, what has been observed through the
senses, thoughts or interpretations, and feelings. You will note how Jack
and Kay filled out their awareness wheels.
Jack's Awareness Wheel
Note: While Jack uses the words
“I’ve
seen...” he doesn’t actually give any sense data to illustrate his
Interpretations. For example, to describe what to him looks like Kay’s
dejection, he could say, “I see you walk away, shoulders down and not say
anything, whereas you’re usually talkative and smiling”
Kay's Awareness Wheel
After
Jack and Kay had filled out their awareness wheels, as shown above, they
shared with each other the things they had written, without arguing or
criticizing each other. This is extremely important if communication is
to be open and honest.
Step 3:
identify your
intentions (for self, partner, relationship).
Jack and
Kay drew a fifth section on their awareness wheels and described their
Intentions. They both wrote what they wanted for themselves, for each
other, and for their relationship As you will note from their example,
intentions can be fairly general You will get specific in the next step.
It is also important to write what you want for your spouse instead of
what you want from your spouse Be concerned for his well-being rather than
saying, “I’ll do this for you if you do this for me.”
After
they had filled in their intentions, Jack and Kay discussed each of the
statements they had listed.
Step
4: Consider
possible solutions and write down actions you are willing to take.
Working Independently,
Jack and Kay began by considering a variety of possible actions, including
things they had never done before. Each then listed specific actions they
were willing to take to deal with the issue of anger. Usually such actions
should be short-range and manageable, rather than long-term and
overwhelming. Their written statements
are as follows:
|
I
will: openly acknowledge my anger; not vent anger (explode); use
awareness wheel to describe my anger; see the issue through to some
sort of peaceful negotiation; set aside 1 hour every month as
inventory time; commit my total mental being to counting you during
an expression of anger. |
|
I will:
develop an attitude of partnership in solving conflict and ask you
to help me understand my anger; not continue to communicate if heavy
Style Ills used by either of us; ask for time out for a brief period
and set another time it we stat discounting each other; be aware of
shifting gears and invite you from Style II to Style
IV;
let you know
my positive moments more frequently. |
After discussing what
they had written, Jack and Kay each circled two actions they committed
themselves to carry out. This became their action plan for resolving the
anger issue in their relationship.
After mapping an
issue, it is always wise to evaluate if the actions you have committed to
have been effective. After a few weeks or a month, you should informally
review how the plan is working. One way to do this is to go over the five
facets of self-awareness, reviewing the issue from each facet (i.e., what
you’ve observed with regard to anger, what you’ve thought, felt, done,
intend to do, etc.). If you do not feel that you are making the progress
you had hoped for, you may need to go through the mapping exercise again
and alter your actions as needed.
As Jack and Kay went
through this process, they were both pleased to note that they had made
progress in handling anger. They both felt better about themselves and
each other and noticed an increased attitude of cooperation in their home.
Conclusion
The suggestions and
exercises in this series have been designed to help you improve the
quality of your relationship with your spouse. Please review this manual
and the accompanying tapes as often as necessary and repeat the exercises
until you can effectively use the skills that have been introduced.
President Spencer W.
Kimball has promised:
“While marriage is
difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real,
lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant
ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This Is within the reach of
every couple, every person.”
But President Kimball
has also stated that much effort is needed to make our marriages
successful.
“Certainly the foods
most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness,~ concern,
expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride,
companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and
inter-dependence.
“To be really happy In
marriage, one must have a continued faithful observance of the
commandments of the Lord. No one, single or married, was ever sublimely
happy unless he was righteous. There are temporary satisfactions and
camouflaged situations for the moment, but permanent, total happiness can
come only through cleanliness and worthiness.”
(“Oneness In Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, p. 5.)I
As you righteously and
lovingly use the principles outlined in this series you can do much
to improve the quality of your marriage and to provide an environment
where the Spirit of the Lord can be a constant companion to bless and
assist you.
Exercises
These exercises will
help you learn how to use the skills presented in chapter 4. Please
complete each of the exercises and share the results with the agency
practitioner.
Exercise 4-1
Select a topic, or
choose one from those suggested on page 48, that you would like to
discuss with your spouse. Begin talking about the topic using style 4
communication. After your partner has listened for a short time, have
him respond in style 1 (being friendly, conversational, playful).
Continue this type of conversation for a minute or less, and then have
your partner shift to style 2 (advising, blaming, directing) while you
continue to talk about the topic in style 4. After a minute or less,
have your partner shift to style 3 (speculating, exploring, questioning)
while you stay with style 4. Finally, have your partner join you in
style 4. Continue with both of you using style 4 communication for a
minute or so.
After you have done
this, switch roles so that your partner also has the experience of
talking in style 4 while you respond using each of the four styles.
The purpose of this
exercise is to help you understand how it feels to talk with someone who
uses a different style than you are using. Notice how difficult it is to
stay in style 4 when the person you are talking to does not respond in
the same way.
After completing
this exercise, discuss the feelings that you had. You may want to tape
your conversation so that you can better analyze it.
Exercise 4-2
Select a topic, or
choose one from the list on page 48, that you would like to discuss with
your spouse using style 4 communication. Try to choose a topic that is
currently an issue in your relationship and which you would like to
resolve. Set a time limit for your conversation, preferably no more than
30 minutes. Tape your conversation.
As you discuss this
topic, use the various skills you have learned in the preceding chapters
to help you share your self-awareness and help your partner do the
same.
After you complete
this exercise, listen to your recording. Make a list of the various
skills that you both used. Also note when you or your spouse may have
used heavy style 2 or some other ineffective means of communication.
Discuss the
recording and your evaluation of it with the agency practitioner
Exercise 4-3
Using the steps
outlined below for mapping an issue, try to develop a plan that will
help the two of you resolve an issue in your relationship. Refer to the
example in chapter 4, as needed.
Step 1:
Identify an issue and contract for a time and place to work it through.
Step 2:
Thoroughly understand the issue by filling out the four sections of the
awareness wheel shown on the next page. Each of you should work
separately in identifying your actions, sensations, thoughts and
feelings.
After filling out
the awareness wheel, share what you have written without arguing or
criticizing each other. This is crucial if you are to trust each other
and provide a climate where open and honest communication is possible
Husband
Wife
Step 3: Identify your intentions (for self,
partner, relationship) Include what you want for yourself, your partner,
and your relationship with regard to the issue you have selected.
Discuss each of the intentions you have selected.
Step 4.
Individually consider possible solutions, and write down
actions you’re willing to take. Try to stretch your thinking and come
up with a variety of possibilities including things you’ve never done
before. Actions usually should be short-range and manageable, rather
than long-term and overwhelming. Discuss what you’ve written, then each
of you select and circle one or two actions to which you are willing to
commit.
After a few weeks or
a month, review how the plan is working. Go over the issue in relation
to the five facets of self-awareness--what have you observed about the
issue through your senses, what are your thoughts about it, how do you
feel about it, what have you done about it, what are you now doing, what
are your intentions, If you are not making the progress you had hoped
for, you may need to go through the mapping exercise again and alter
your actions as needed. But remember that completely perfect solutions
are not always possible--or even necessary. You may find you have much
to feel thankful for if the issue is partly resolved or alleviated.
Thoughts to Consider
“Marriage is yet safe,
with all its sweet fulfillment, with all its joy and love. in marriage all
of the worthy yearnings of the human soul, all that is physical and
emotional and spiritual, can be fulfilled.
“Marriage is not
without trials of many kinds. These tests forge virtue and strength. The
tempering that comes in marriage and family life produces men and women
who will someday be exalted.” (Boyd K. Packer,
Ensign,
May 1981, p. 15.)
“While marriage is
difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real,
lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant
ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of
every couple, every person.” (Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,”
Ensign, Mar. 1977, p. 4.)
“A happy and
successful marriage will be one that is built on the important principle
of love; a love recognizing not only a fleeting physical attraction, but
more importantly a deeply spiritual love that will continue forever.”
(Henry D. Taylor, Ensign, Jan. 1974, p. 36).
“Listening is more
than being quiet. Listening is much more than silence. Listening requires
undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be
heard. The time to deal with a person with a problem is when he has the
problem. The time to listen is the time when our interest and love are
vital to the one who seeks our ear, our heart, our help, and our empathy.
“We should all
increase our ability to ask comfortable questions, and then
listen--intently, naturally. Listening is a tied-in part of loving. How
powerful are the words, ‘Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be
swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
‘For the wrath of man
worketh not the righteousness of God.’ (James 1:19-20.) (Marvin J. Ashton,
Ensign, May 1976, p. 53.)
“Let no corrupt
communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use
of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians
4:1-3.)
“A soft answer
turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. (Proverbs 15:1.)
“A wholesome
tongue is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 15:4.)
Suggested Readings
Talking Together,
Sherod Miller, Eiam W.
Nunnaliy, Daniel B. Wackman, Mineapoiis: interpersonal Communications
Programs, Inc.
Straight Talk,
Sherod
Miller, EIam W. Nunnally, Daniel B. Wackman, and Carol Saline. New York:
Rawson, Wade.
Marion G. Romney,
“Speak Kind Words,” Ensign, August 1977, pp. 2-3.
Spencer W. Kimball,
“Oneness in Marriage,”
Ensign,3-5.
Marvin J. Ashton,
Ensign, May 1976, pp. 52-54.
Henry D. Taylor,
Ensign, Jan. 1974, pp. 36-37
Boyd K. Packer,
Ensign, May 1981, pp. 13-15
Ensign,
September 1981.
March 1977, pp.
