Counseling in a Church setting, whether you counsel as a neighbor, teacher,
relative, friend, or Church official, is a sacred responsibility. One of the
Savior's names was Counselor. To share that title is almost presumptuous of man.
Nevertheless, many people find themselves in the role of counselor, even when
they do not ask for the responsibility.
Many untrained counselors could be even more effective than they are if they
understood some basic counseling concepts. This book provides perspectives on
problems and perhaps some new attitudes that can be used to help people
understand themselves. It will not teach many techniques. Through faith and
inspiration, reason, and personal effort, some troubled people may be helped to
overcome their problems. In a lay church like ours, many people share the burden
of helping and nurturing those who have problems. Although the bishop or branch
president bears a major share of the counseling burden (in many instances no one
else has the authority), it is nonetheless true that many others give solace,
comfort, guidance, and care. A wise bishop recently wrote, "I hear about
most of the pain—spiritual, emotional, and physical—suffered by members of
the ward. As a human being with all the limitations that go with being human, I
cannot hope to have enough hours in the day to bind up all these wounds;
consequently, I am grateful for you ward members who spontaneously have gone to
the aid of your neighbors with help of all kinds."
It is unfortunate that some believe there is no place for counseling and
psychology among Church members. A few even condemn all who rely on the
behavioral and social sciences. We believe this rejection is wrong. Although
professionals in these fields are sometimes prone to move from theory to theory
or from fad to fad, behavioral and social scientists have had many valuable
insights to help people overcome their problems. The concept that "Truth is
truth where'er 'tis found" has meaning here.
For example, of great value to the lay counselor is the recognition that many
of life's problems follow well-established patterns. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
has pointed out the stages that most people go through when they learn they have
a terminal disease. If a Relief Society visiting teacher understands these
stages, she can recognize symptoms of a certain stage and respond appropriately.
Recognizing patterns in life, yet realizing that each situation is unique, is
the beginning of wisdom.
To some people this book will look like a series of chapters designed to help
nonprofessional counselors know what to do in various circumstances. And it
should do just that. However, even more important than this knowledge is the
moral and spiritual preparation of the counselor and of the person being helped.
Sometimes both want to get on with solving the specific problem. But most
specific problems are part of a larger system of problems. And, rather than
merely treating symptoms, a person's capacity to meet problems is basic to
solving them. The Savior said, "What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I
say unto you, even as I am." (3 Nephi 27:27.) This simple directive has
been seen by some as being of no use in dealing with practical matters, or as a
guilt-producing demand for perfection that is a burden, not a blessing. Mental
health, spiritual growth, and solutions to everyday challenges are more
permanently achieved when the counselor has the vision of becoming "even as
I am" and passes that vision on to those who need help. Perhaps only then
will they be able to adequately meet the trials of mortality.
Becoming like the Savior requires obedience to the gospel. Obedience is not
only the first law of heaven but also the first law of mental health. Whatever
suffering or conflicts we face, living by Christ's principles helps us meet
challenges and solve problems. The person has the responsibility and the power
to change. Helping the person accept his responsibility, and helping him realize
his power to change, are fundamental to lay counseling.
Every counselor should ask himself what the Savior would do in a certain
situation. There is no ''right" way to counsel, but central to success is
the compassion and integrity of the counselor. If you are living a lie, or if
the person you are helping sees failure in your family, your effectiveness will
be limited. Be sincere. Listen. Keep confidences. Share your love. Unless you
have been set apart as a judge in Israel, avoid the temptation to judge. Give of
your knowledge and experience as appropriate. Constantly return to the example
of the Savior as you seek to give help.
Most professional counselors believe that "unconditional positive
regard" for those they counsel is essential to their success. This attitude
is better described as compassionate understanding: "Love thy
neighbor as thyself."
Compassionate understanding includes the recognition that we do not counsel
patients, clients, or ward members; we counsel our brothers and sisters. It also
means that we are able to ache for them and to see their circumstances honestly
rather than as an occasion for indifference, indulgence, or condemnation. We
must offer our compassion especially when wrongdoing is a source of their
predicament. This does not mean that we condone their sins or that we ignore
their unwise decisions. It means that we care enough to do our best to help
them. If repentance is necessary, we encourage them to repent. If forgiveness is
required, we offer sincere forgiveness, if we have the authority to do so. If a
lack of knowledge of gospel principles seems to be the source of their
difficulties, we teach them whatever knowledge or skills we command and then,
when necessary, seek help elsewhere.
Compassion is not a counseling skill; it is a way of being and a way of
seeing others. It is the charity of which Paul speaks and without which we are
nothing. (See 1 Corinthians 13:2.) To be a counselor is to be compassionate.
Being compassionate is not the same thing as pampering someone, however, and
the compassionate counselor must place responsibility for the solution of
problems on those who are seeking help. No counselor can cure the person he is
helping. The troubled person must be taught or reminded that he must ultimately
work out the answers to his own problems. As Abraham Lincoln observed, "You
cannot build character and courage by taking away initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could do for
themselves." President David O. McKay taught, "There exists an eternal
law that each human soul shall shape its own destiny. No one individual can make
happiness or salvation for another."
The LDS counselor—and especially the lay counselor—will try to help
people think rationally. Often people find themselves in trouble because they
have unrealistic thoughts. They harbor fears, hatreds, and fantasies that have
no foundation in reality. Counselors can help people with such problems revise
their thinking and thus come to grips with life. Irrational thoughts lead to
inappropriate emotions and behaviors.
How can a person know whether his thinking is rational, righteous, and
appropriate? How do we know what is true? What is the basis for making
decisions? The answers to these questions, although by no means simple, lie in a
clear understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Without the Savior's life as
an example of correct behavior and without his teachings as a basis for
decision-making, people are hard pressed to find any permanent example to
follow. Contemporary philosophy is ever-changing—otherwise it would not be
contemporary. As Victor L. Brown, Jr., has pointed out, reality is recognizing
that all acts have consequences. Illusion is ignoring, denying, or
misinterpreting consequences. Reality, then, is the recognition that all of
God's laws and commands contain within themselves either good or negative
results here and in the world to come. fn
Never give counsel that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel.
No therapy or cure that is of itself immoral or inappropriate should be
suggested. Correct counsel is always grounded on correct principles. Search the
scriptures and other good sources. Seek the inspiration of the Lord.
Perhaps above all else, the compassionate counselor will teach faith—faith
that solutions are possible, faith that time helps heal wounds, faith that the
Lord Jesus Christ will share the burdens of all who lay their problems at His
feet. The atonement of Jesus Christ is vital in helping people overcome their
problems.
A counselor should help people understand that living according to correct
principles brings more joy and happiness than does the opposite. Teaching a
correct knowledge of the restored gospel is one of the lay counselor's finest
tools to help troubled people understand reality.
Making Referrals
Some people with whom you counsel may not benefit from your attempts to help
them. This could be due to their resistance as well as to your limitations. In
any event, do not set yourself up to change the person you are counseling; you
can only invite him to change, and the rest is up to him. Be open to promptings
regarding the proper use of other resources with the permission and cooperation
of the person you are helping. Promote the appropriate involvement of his own
family members or trusted friends.
Sometimes the nature of the problem will suggest immediate referral to
professionals. There is no magic formula for such referral, but you sometimes
bless the person most by inviting him to seek help from experienced, trusted,
and faithful professionals. Such men and women are experienced in helping people
who hold extreme, even frightening attitudes. They also can ensure a regular
schedule of assistance and supervision. Many professionals are willing to
include religious leaders in charting a course of progress for the people you
refer.
The following questions and comments might guide you in deciding when to
refer someone to a professional counselor:
1. Is the person in despair? Does he insist either that life is not worth
living or that he himself is worthless? The person can give up such feelings,
especially when you express your own love for and confidence in the person.
Nevertheless, referral may be preferable.
2. Does the person refuse to discuss within a gospel framework the problem he
has presented to you? That is, do you find him discounting, ridiculing, or
rejecting the gospel principles you are trying to teach? When you ask him to
explain what he believes about the gospel, does he become angry? Such behavior
may be typical of a "normal" person who has hardened his heart, but
sometimes an angry person is doing more than venting hostility toward ward
members or "just" complaining about some organizational foul-up. His
resentment is more an active repudiation of what the Church stands for. In such
cases, it may be important to simply ask the person, "What would you have
me do?" If his answer is a more rational response about the problem, about
how you can help, or about what he himself might do, then perhaps you can still
offer help that will be received. If his response is not rational, professional
resources may be more appropriate.
3. Does the kind of guilt harbored by the person seem to immobilize him
rather than motivate him? That is, if you are teaching the person a standard of
gospel behavior, is his response one of despair rather than hope? Invite him to
imagine a future in which he is free of the problem. Have him describe what life
would be like for him if he lived by the gospel standard in question. If he is
silent for an extended period or is confused by such an invitation, referral may
be appropriate. Such a question would be valuable simply to establish the depth
of a person's feelings of guilt, despair, or confusion. . Beware also of a
response that describes the future or the ideals in question as if they are
impossible or unrealistic. Such descriptions usually reveal further that the
person is immobilized by guilt precisely because he sees gospel living as
impossible.
4. Does the person refuse to learn from his experiences; does he repeat
errors? Does he make decisions that are not based on a realistic understanding
of actions and consequences? Does he promote physical harm or in other ways
threaten the well-being of others? Does he have a history of alcohol or drug
use? In such cases, prayerful referral to a faithful professional may help the
person.
5. Do you yourself begin to feel helpless and that the situation is hopeless?
Don't spend excessive time diagnosing yourself. Invite the person to see a
professional who may bring a fresh perspective to his circumstances.
You Can Help Others
A final word of encouragement: During the past hundred years counseling and
psychotherapy have become almost the exclusive domain of trained professionals.
Outside the Church, ministers of religion often counsel others, but most
ministers refuse to counsel without some professional training. This trend has
given some Church members the idea that it is impossible to give adequate
counsel without professional credentials. This, of course, is not true.
Counseling sometimes means nothing more than being a good friend who is willing
to listen. And bishops provide good counsel simply by being in tune with the
Spirit. A willingness to advise people within the bounds the Lord has set while
supporting them by an outpouring of love is the key to counseling success.
Non-Mormon psychiatrist M. Scott Peck has said:
For the most part, mental illness is caused by an absence of or defect in the
love that a particular child required from its particular parents for successful
maturation and spiritual growth. It is obvious, then, that in order to be healed
through psychotherapy the patient must receive from the psychotherapist at least
a portion of the genuine love of which the patient was deprived. If the
psychotherapist cannot genuinely love a patient, genuine healing will not occur.
No matter how well-credentialed and trained psychotherapists may be, if they
cannot extend themselves through love to their patients, the results of their
psychotherapeutic practice will be generally unsuccessful. Conversely, a totally
uncredentialed and minimally trained lay therapist who exercises a great
capacity to love will achieve psychotherapeutic results that equal those of the
very best psychiatrists. fn
Obviously, Dr. Peck is not calling for the dismantling of the
psychotherapeutic professions. The ability to give love, backed by knowledge and
experience, is clearly preferable to love alone, and as a lay counselor, you may
encounter instances when you should refer a troubled person to a qualified
professional. But much help can be given through direct guidance expressed in
honest, loving terms. Trust the Spirit and your knowledge of God's commandments,
and you will generally have success.
Introduction to Lay Counseling: Notes
1. Victor L. Brown, Jr., Human Intimacy: Illusion and Reality (Salt
Lake City: Parliament Publishers, 1981), chapter 1.
2. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled (New York: Touchstone, 1978),
p. 175.
About the Authors
Dr. R. Lanier (Lanny) Britsch, professor of history and coordinator of the
Asian studies program at Brigham Young University, received his bachelor's and
master's degrees from Brigham Young University and his Ph.D. from Claremont
Graduate School.
He has served in the Church as first counselor in the Orem, Sharon Stake
presidency. His previous callings include high councilor, president of the BYU
Asian Students Branch, and elders quorum president.
He and his wife, JoAnn, are the parents of six children.
Dr. Terrance D. Olson, professor of family sciences at Brigham Young
University, obtained degrees in sociology and family relations from that
institution and his Ph.D. in marriage and family living from Florida State
University.
He has spoken on strengthening the family to a subcommittee of the U.S.
Senate and to sessions of the White House Conference on Families. He is a
clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and
a member of the National Council on Family Relations.
He has served in branch and district presidencies, on high councils, as a
bishop and bishop's counselor, as a Cubmaster, and on Church writing committees.
He and his wife, Karen, are the parents of six children.
