Sexual assault is a subject that is difficult for many people even to bring themselves to discuss. It is one thing to deal frankly with robbery, vandalism, and other forms of violence, but sexual crimes violate more than our pocketbooks and the orderliness of society; they strike at a part of the human soul that we think of as most intimate and personal—so much so that for some it may seem almost inappropriate to raise the issue.

        Nevertheless, sexual assault is not a problem that can be wished away. It happens. Furthermore, it happens to Latter-day Saint women and children and is perpetrated by men who are Church members as well as by those who are not. We must face the problem and become aware of the facts so that we can understand how we can react in a constructive, supportive way when the crime happens to someone among us or is committed by someone among us.

        The term rape has been defined in various ways. In all cases, however, rape is an exploitation and humiliation of an unwilling victim by a very personal invasion. Usually it is an attack by a stronger person against a weaker one. With the offense of child molestation, particularly in the case of incest, an adult is imposing his sexual desires and seeking gratification for himself by improper involvement with a child who has no way to defend herself or himself against an adult she or he may trust.

        As a psychologist, I have talked with many women who have been sexually molested recently, who were assaulted earlier in their lives, or who had been forced into incestual relationships at various ages and are still suffering the emotional trauma of their experiences. I have also counseled with men who have been accused or convicted of rape or sexual molestation. In my work, most of the recent rape victims I have seen reported that this abuse occurred on a date with a supposedly "fine" young man, often from their ward, whom they have dated at least several times. Rapes of this kind involve both verbal and physical coercion.

        Perhaps a great proportion of sexually abused women I have seen have been earlier victims of incest. Incest is a major mental health problem that is only beginning to attract professional attention. According to the Harvard Medical School newsletter, between one-fourth and one-third of all girls nationwide will be sexually assaulted some time by an adult male, and about 10 percent actually have a sexual encounter with a relative. At least one percent become involved in father-daughter incest. Boys are less commonly molested within their families, but about 10 percent reportedly have had a sexual encounter with an adult, usually a male acquaintance rather than a relative.

        In every case I have felt deeply the tragedy of the situation. Besides physically harming the victim, sexual crime degrades and humiliates her, and to the physical and severe psychological trauma are often added the person's tragically confused feelings as well. Many times I have listened to girls and women tearfully express the feelings resulting from their experiences—feelings of embarrassment, of having been shamed, and perhaps even of guilt for still being alive, for not losing their lives in a desperate, all-out counterattack. Sometimes the victims have horrible nightmares. One woman I counseled became terribly frightened whenever she realized she was alone—and this was twenty years after the event occurred. Under such circumstances, the victim feels a desperate need for support—support from her family, from Church leaders, from friends, and from ward members. Sometimes, however, this support is denied because of others' misunderstandings, and some have been, in effect, turned away to endure a solitary kind of hell. Fear of not receiving sympathetic understanding and support—or at least a fair hearing—is one reason so many instances of personal assault go unreported. Law-enforcement agencies and experts estimate that only about one-fifth (and perhaps as few as one-tenth) of all such crimes committed are actually reported to the police.

        In my experience, much of our reluctance to understand and consequently to empathize with one who is a victim results from a number of mistaken ideas that are current in society. Following is a discussion of some of these myths or misunderstandings and their cost in human anguish. If you find yourself caught in any of the following misunderstandings about sexual molestation concerning either the perpetrators or victims, please reassess your own feelings before trying to help those desperately troubled women and children who have been victims or with those men who have committed such offenses.

        Myth: Sexual assault doesn't happen to "nice" girls. There are several variations of this myth: Sexual assault happens "only to women with bad reputations" or "only to women from lower social classes." Furthermore, people often have a notion that sexual assault happens only to the young, the beautiful, or the provocatively dressed.

        The truth is that none of these stereotypes are accurate. The victims come from every imaginable background. They are of every shape, race, and social class. They may be single or married, attractive or plain, dressed conservatively or stylishly, and have a variety of vocations. Their character and personal righteousness varies dramatically. They are of all ages—young, middle-aged, and old.

        Included in this myth is the popular notion that if a woman is raped, she probably wanted it or invited it in some way. (Like most such myths, this one exists because of its convenience; it frees the nonvictim from having to care or trouble himself about the tragedy.) In fact, one young woman reported that a member of her ward remarked that any girl who was personally assaulted deserved it. He evidently felt that a woman always has control over the circumstances that can lead to personal assault.

        The truth is that no child of God, young or old, deserves this experience, no matter what the circumstances. Furthermore, in most instances, the victim's dress or behavior could not in any way be interpreted as an invitation. Unfortunate incidents do sometimes occur because of misread social cues (especially among teenagers in their anxious and sometimes careless attempts to assume adult roles). For this reason, both men and women should be aware of the messages they might send by their clothing and behavior, and both men and women must be taught to regard each other with mutual respect. But the idea that a woman actually "asks for" or enjoys the kind of humiliating treatment that I read in the police reports and hear from the victims themselves—being threatened or coerced, even exposed to injury or death—is simply not true.

        For very young girls (and sometimes boys) subjected to incest, sexual activity may become a regular part of their life, and only as they finally begin to interact with peers or become older do they begin to understand that something is wrong. Usually such cases of incest begin with fondling, which may feel good to a child. Then it gradually accelerates over several years before intercourse actually takes place.

        Fortunately, many Church leaders in counseling positions are wonderful in their handling of members who have special need of love and support. But many, though sincere, may not have the understanding required or the experience to give all the support they could give. Sometimes their attitudes don't help the victims with the feelings they may be experiencing.

        Myth: Sexual abuse occurs only in dark, deserted places and in disreputable neighborhoods. This erroneous idea is chiefly derived from television and the movies. While many such crimes do occur in secluded places, on dark streets, or in apartments and homes where windows or doors are left unlocked, and although statistically the majority of such crimes take place after dark (between 8:00 P.M. and 2:00 A.M.) and more frequently on weekends than at other times, they occur in almost every other setting as well. At least half of all such crimes are committed in the victim's home or apartment, most of them by men who know the victim—a neighbor, friend, date, relative, or other acquaintance. The tragic crime of incest almost always occurs in the person's home.

        Myth: Rapists are shabby, lustful, and deranged psychopaths. Just as there is no typical rape victim, there is no typical rapist. They, too, vary in age, race, and social class. Some are married, others are single, and many have normal sexual relations with their wives. Some may appear shabby, while others may appear respectable. Some use verbal coercion and physical force; others use more subtle methods: "I'm a stranger in town. Could you show me the way to this address?" Sometimes strangers gain entry into a home or apartment by knocking at the door and giving a seemingly legitimate reason to enter. Some rapists plan their crime well in advance of the attack, having "cased" the scene beforehand. Others are simply opportunists who might see a woman at a stoplight or alone going toward her car and on impulse force her into a car. Drugs or alcohol or both are often involved.

        In my counseling, I have talked to some psychopathic rapists who showed no emotion at all and who expressed neither concern nor hostility toward the victim. Some have expressed remorse for their actions. Some few are mentally retarded or have confused thinking due to psychosis or brain damage.

        Most men who commit rape or who have learned deviant sexual patterns, however, are not deranged or seriously disturbed. They are men who have faulty attitudes toward sex or women. Theories abound as to why a rapist acts. Many are unable to establish loving relationships and use force to obtain gratification. Others want to exploit or humiliate. Some claim that their sexual drives get out of control under certain situations. Many have, for various reasons, become hostile toward all women; they commit their crime out of anger or to feel power and control. In addition to being a crime of passion, rape is a crime of violence.

        Many rapists need to be confined in the interest of public safety, but most of them will be back in society in a few years, likely to repeat their crime unless they want to change and have received intensive and appropriate help.

        Like those who commit rape, those who commit incestuous child molestation come from all social classes, geographic areas, and racial and religious backgrounds. The notion that incestuous fathers or stepfathers are all highly sexual and aggressive or have no sexual relationships with their wives is not true. Many are extremely conservative in their sexual beliefs and practices and have good sexual relationships with their wives. Families with a high risk of incest are often psychologically isolated with authoritarian fathers, passive mothers, and passive, obedient daughters. But incest occurs in all types of families. I have talked to many fathers and stepfathers who are incest offenders, as well as to several grandfathers, two of whom were involved with their granddaughters (both nine years old) and one who was involved with two of his grandsons. His first sexual experience with young boys, he reported, occurred years before when he was a youth leader.

        Myth: Sexual abuse cannot happen to a woman against her will. Many women do resist rape successfully, but to state flatly that any woman can prevent personal assault if she really wants to is to ignore many of the circumstances that often surround crime.

        First, the victim is usually smaller and considerably weaker than her male attacker. Often such crimes also involve weapons or coercion of some kind, and thus at least an implicit threat of injury or death (a small percentage of rapes do result in death, and at least a third result in injuries that require a physician's treatment). Finally, the victim is frequently taken by surprise and is paralyzed by fear—too terrified to make a sound, forgetting any preplanned strategies she may have had for resisting. And in any case, fighting or screaming that may discourage one rapist may motivate another.

        While some attempted assaults may be averted by various means, many occur in spite of anything a woman might do. One woman described to me how she was held with a knife at her throat. Others have been choked into submission or unconsciousness by a much stronger assailant. Other women, tragically alone and helpless against an attacker or attackers, found that being assaulted was absolutely unavoidable. We must understand that even though a woman may have decided she would rather lose her life (probably an unwise decision) than be raped, she may very well not have this option.

        Myth: The victim has lost her virtue. Virtue is something that cannot be taken away from anyone; it can only be given up voluntarily. If a person is robbed, the robber is held guilty and the victim seen as innocent. If someone takes a life, is the victim guilty of murder? Certainly not. And of course the same is true of rape: the guilt lies with the perpetrator, not with the victim.

        Sadly, however, some people have tended to burden the rape victim with disgrace and subtle condemnation. More than one young woman has broken down and said to me, "Because of this, I'm not a virgin anymore." In almost every case, this becomes a terribly big issue as she tries to sort out her self-image following the crime. But a loss of virginity is not a loss of chastity where rape is involved. If a woman is robbed or mugged, she does not hesitate to report it to family and legal authorities, and she receives understanding, sympathy, and support from her friends, family, ward members, and Church leaders. But in the case of rape, she may wonder, "Will my husband (or boyfriend) forever think of me as unclean?" Unfortunately, some Latter-day Saint wives or girlfriends have been rejected in this way. I know of some tragic instances where innocent victims have actually been told, "No righteous Latter-day Saint man will ever want to marry you now." Sadly, others as well as the rapist can be brutal.

        Certainly not all of the foregoing has been pleasant reading. Its purpose, though, has not been to dismay or alarm. Instead, this review of common myths about personal assault is to persuade readers that any Latter-day Saint should feel free to report sexual assault without being subjected to more emotional injury. She should receive medical help in case of physical disease or damage. She should receive psychological care or other understanding, supportive help so that she can get over the agonizing psychic pain that is often far more devastating than the actual physical trauma. And she should be able to talk freely and with complete confidentiality with family members, Church leaders, friends, or others who can provide compassionate and understanding support. All who become involved must truly be noncondemning, sympathetic, and assuring.

        She can receive blessings and inspiration from the Lord through righteous priesthood leaders. Fortunately, many of the sisters I have talked to who were victims of rape or incest have received marvelous support from Church leaders in this regard. Few of us realize how serious and devastating the trauma of assault can be. The impact on the soul is very great, and the victim's need for blessings from others is also very great. Here's where a priesthood leader or bishop can be of outstanding help. Sometimes what the victim needs most is to be listened to so that she can deal with her feelings instead of suppressing them.

        Victims of child incest often are in a more difficult situation than are rape victims. While rape is traumatic, it is usually a one-time occurrence. But incest typically continues over a period of years, frequently beginning when the girl is five or six years old and persisting until she leaves home. Physical force is seldom used, but verbal coercion and pressures to keep the experience secret are common. As one father told me when questioned about why his daughter had not objected, "She is an obedient child. She always does what she is told." The victims sometimes have mixed feelings of love for their fathers and guilt about their own involvement. Many of them feel they are somehow to blame for their father's behavior. One father who had been involved with his twelve-year-old stepdaughter told me in justifying himself, "She was so seductive! What did you expect me to do?" I suggested that it was his responsibility as an adult to say no. Another victim, who reported to her bishop an incestuous relationship with her father, expected that she would be excommunicated. The destructive psychological effects of incest often persist, and as adults, women frequently continue to suffer feelings of shame and stigmatization. They may have a low regard for themselves and have difficulty developing intimate relationships.

Following are some of the feelings many a victim of rape may experience.

1. She may seek to understand the meaning of what has happened; she may wish to talk repeatedly about her experience and resolve the question "What have I done to deserve this?" She may punish herself for some carelessness—for example, not checking to see if the windows were locked. Unfortunately, family, friends, or others may add chastisement for such errors—the kind of mistakes that probably all of us have made with no unfortunate consequences.

2. Guilt from the "if only" questions needs to be aired: "If only I had stayed home instead of going to the movie"; "If only I had gone to visit my sister when I thought I should"; "If only I had screamed instead of being so frightened I couldn't make a sound."

3. Other "why" questions need to be resolved: "Why did I park my car at the edge of the lot?" "Why did I stand around window-shopping until the stores had closed?" "Why did I go on a date with him?" "Why did I let him into my apartment?" Such questions are actually wishes to go back before the event. They are more "if only" questions than "why" questions. In a certain sense they have no answers, but a counselor can help a woman to understand her feelings through such questions, to look to the future and to find personal peace.

4. Feelings of being "used" or "unclean" (physically or morally) or "unworthy of the love of a good man" need to be worked through and eliminated. In particular, the woman needs to resolve her feelings of hostility or despair and understand that these feelings do not have to be generalized to include all men.

        Sadly, we often have the impression that we can sit down and reason with the victim, and that that kind of approach will do the whole job. Often, too, the victim will look at the situation in a reasonable way and say, "Yes, I was only a victim; I'm not really any different than I was before, and not all men are rapists." But at a deeper, emotional level, she will need much more time to resolve her feelings. Some victims reach an outward adjustment but carry deep-seated feelings with them for years, sometimes accompanied by a lingering bitterness and loss of hope that affects all areas of their lives.

5. Sometimes women have a delayed reaction to a rape or incestual relationship that has occurred much earlier in their lives. These reactions most often occur when a woman dates a young man she likes, but she discovers she cannot tolerate kissing or other appropriate physical contact. One approach I have found useful is to talk to the couple together explaining the likely reasons for the woman's feelings and having the man let the woman take the initiative, at least in the beginning, for any physical contact.

        Incest victims may experience different feelings because their sexual involvement has usually been over a long period of time and has involved men they know and trust. Following are some of the feelings these young people have to deal with.

1. Mixed feelings of love and hate for the father or other close relative who has molested them.

2. Great anger for their helpless position or for the rationalizations given by the adult, such as "It is okay. It is our secret"; "It is my duty to show you what you do when you get married", "I want you to learn about sex the right way"; and so on.

3. Feelings of guilt because they did not stop the adult or guilt because the sexual stimulation was, in part, pleasurable. The young person must realize that the adult is always to blame.

4. Some incest victims develop a hypersexuality and may become sexually involved with peers. Or, to the contrary, they may generalize fear of sex to all men. They need help to understand their inappropriate feelings and behaviors.

5. If the incest has been reported by the victim and, because of this, the father or the child has been removed from the home, the family disruption is traumatic for all members, and particularly for the victim who may feel guilt for causing the conflict. Sometimes she may wish she had never revealed the problem to anyone because of the disruption it has caused. She needs reassurance that her action was correct.

        Helping a victim of sexual assault is complex and may take much time and involve both ecclesiastical leaders and professional counselors. However, with proper support and help, a victim can resolve her problems and live a happy life with normal relationships. But for this to occur, a woman needs first to accept herself as a worthy person. She must place blame where it belongs—on the sexual offender—and not place the blame on herself. She must realize that she has not lost her virtue, that she has no sin that requires confession or repentance, and that she is just as acceptable to an understanding boyfriend or husband, to Church leaders, and to God, as before.

About the Author

Dr. Maxine Murdock, clinical psychologist at the Brigham Young University Counseling Center, received her bachelor's and graduate degrees at that same institution. Having a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, Dr. Murdock does part-time counseling in private practice and part-time counseling with the Utah State Prison System.

Dr. Murdock has held numerous callings in the Church, including stake Primary and Relief Society presidencies and many teaching positions.

She is the mother of three married children.