This chapter is for adults who are suffering seriously from the chronic misbehavior of a child (ages three to eleven). This chapter is not for those who wish only to correct minor irritations. If you are not engaged in a painful struggle, you will likely read these pages and disagree with what is said or think of other ideas more comfortable for your own situation. This is as it should be, for your problem may not be as severe as those spoken of here. If, however, you have exhausted your resources and feel a need for extra help, this chapter is for you.

        The scriptures reveal a different use of power and authority. In Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-43, we read, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."

        It is evident from these verses that power is the exercise of inner strength. Righteous power enlarges one's soul from the inside, not one's control of people on the outside. In searching the scriptures for information on disciplining children, one finds that the word discipline is never used. Instead, the scriptures exhort parents to teach and train their children. (See Deuteronomy 4:10; Proverbs 22:6; D&C 93:40-44.) Therefore, we should regard discipline as an educational process.

        Discipline problems may include constant disobedience, uncontrollable anger, disrespect, truancy, withdrawal, lying, stealing, and moodiness. For adults helping children with such problems, the greatest temptation is to respond with secular power instead of spiritual power. Unfortunately, external attempts to control usually only make the problem worse. Therefore we should think of discipline as a process that does not produce immediate results. As Albert Schweitzer has remarked, things take time: "No ray of sunlight is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith."

Why is faith needed in child rearing? It is needed to overcome two common misconceptions:

        1. If parents do everything right, children will do everything right. If this were true, there would have been no war in our premortal existence. Godhood and parenthood involve rising above anger and embarrassment over our children's choices. Our personal righteousness can compensate for the loss felt with disobedient children. The compensation comes when we recognize that the family is a stewardship for learning, not a possession for personal gain. We must define righteousness as our own progress toward compatibility. Then we can see a rebellious child as an opportunity to develop greater tolerance for differences. Such tolerance brings the real assurance that "families are forever." Without this tolerance, we may lose not one, but many, because the Lord's children are all unique, free agents.

        2. If the child is misbehaving, he should be the one to change. This sounds logical, but since adults are the ones who recognize the problem, they should be responsible for the first change. This does not mean that parents are to blame for the problem. It means that they have a greater capacity for understanding, so it is up to them to change to invite the child to change.

        At this point, you may exclaim, "Surely this does not mean I should sit back, have faith, and do nothing, does it?" Of course not. But gospel-centered discipline is different from what the world expects. Because secular power is accepted in the world, spiritual power will sometimes seem contrary to common sense. "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things." (Alma 32:21.)

        These descriptions are often used by adults who draw their conclusions from the behavior they observe. However, such descriptions fail to solve the underlying problem. Instead of judging the child's behavior, we must first identify his emotional needs. We must reassure him of his worth. Then we must build his confidence. Finally, if misbehavior persists, we must introduce consequences to help the child learn greater responsibility.

Step One: Understand the Child's Emotional Needs
        Children with chronic behavior problems generally misbehave for two reasons. First, their sense of security is threatened, and second, they do not recognize their uniqueness. An insecure child is one who believes that his thoughts, feelings, and actions are inferior. Such a child has little hope that anything about himself is really all right. He lacks confidence that his needs are healthy. Such a child sees himself as different and assumes that this difference is bad. He feels unique but does not realize that his uniqueness can help his family. Such a child feels lonely, even though he seems aggressive. His true feelings are often kept inside and are not shown in his behavior until his parents begin to reinterpret what they see. Usually the child's bad behavior drives people away from him when the very thing he needs is closeness to loved ones. This is why it is important for parents to understand their child's feelings and talk with the child about them.

        When bad behavior has become a pattern, the original circumstances that led to the behavior are forgotten, but the behavior persists. However, a loving and inquisitive parent can eventually help a child understand his behavior. It is important that the adult remain loving, kind, and curious rather than serious and worried. This reassures the child and builds his security. Here is an example of such a discussion:

Father: I understand you were sent to the principal's office again today.

Son: Yeah.

Father: I'm wondering how that happened.

Son: I don't know. Miss Snow is always mean to me.

Father: What did she do?

Son: She made me stay in from recess. I hate her!

Father: Why did she do that?

Son: She said I was talking, but I wasn't!

Father: Well, maybe you're right, but I'm wondering about something else.

Son: What?

Father: I'm wondering if you're like me.

Son: Huh?

Father: Your mother says that I talk too much when I get nervous or uncomfortable. Since you don't like Miss Snow, I just wondered if you get nervous around her. Is that possible?

Son: Dad! I told you I wasn't talking, honest!

Father: I know this is frustrating to you, but just think about it. It may not seem to you like you talk too much, but maybe you're just nervous around her. We all get nervous, so that's no crime. I'm not trying to blame you, Son. I just want to help you figure out how to stay out of trouble with Miss Snow. Maybe we can talk again after you've thought about it.

        Such a discussion lays the groundwork for further understanding between father and son. The child may not agree or understand at first. However, after several conversations over several days' time, the child will usually relax and see that the parent is not trying to judge him. If the parent remains calm, the child may eventually reach a conclusion about the reasons for his behavior, such as "Miss Snow always asks me questions that I can't answer and I feel dumb." Other typical conclusions are

"My friends always pick me last."

"I'm the shortest one in the class."

"I'm scared Mom is going to die."

"Billy is always such a know-it-all."

"I wish Dad could come back to live in our house."

"Nobody understands me."

"I don't like it when you and Mom fight."

"I'm sad that Julie left our house."

        Even when a child understands his feelings, he may not immediately change his behavior. His parents must continue in faith, remembering the counsel given in Ether 12:6: "And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

        Second, parents should give reassurance to the child that he has strengths. Occasionally I will hear a parent say, "But Susie really is clumsy. She just doesn't seem to have anything going for her." Sometimes a child will seem to lack positive qualities. In such cases, parents should open their hearts and minds to find positive qualities they have overlooked, for every person is a child of God with the potential to become like him. This in itself is a positive quality.

        Third, share personal experiences similar to those the child is going through. Many parents fear that sharing their mistakes, fears, and inadequacies will give their children justification for their own misbehavior. But if parents share such things in a spirit of empathy and understanding, their children will receive reassurance as they learn that others have overcome the same emotions with which they currently struggle.

        Some parents may not have had such problems when they were young. In such cases, they will have to learn vicariously about their child's feelings. But they can also help the child know that even though his situation is different from theirs, he is not alone in his search for confidence and worth.

Mother: Ann, I notice that you are still having a hard time controlling your temper when we ask you to help with chores.

Daughter: No, I'm not.

Mother: Well, last night I remember some trouble when I asked you to straighten the family room.

Daughter: So?

Mother: You know the talks we've been having about your temper and the lonely feelings you have?

Daughter: Yeah.

Mother: I am wondering how we could help you to be more cooperative even when you're feeling lonely. I know it's hard for you to be at a new school where you don't have friends yet, but I'm also getting frustrated because I need your help in the evening when I come home from work. I'm also afraid that when you and I fight, it just adds to your loneliness. Do you think that happens?

Daughter: I guess so.

Mother: What would happen if we made a rule that the family room has to be straightened before dinner? Then I wouldn't have to nag you anymore.

Daughter: Okay.

Mother: All right, then. If I promise not to nag, it means you will be served dinner only after you've done your work. Do you understand?

Daughter: Yeah.

        In following up on this conversation, the mother should have to pay attention only to whether or not Ann has completed her work before dinner. If she has not, the mother may suggest that Ann not come to the table until her work is done. If Ann's temper should flare at this point, the mother should suggest that Ann go without her dinner as a way of helping her to remember what is expected of her. This should be done in a friendly way, even if the child is being unfriendly! The consequences should always be something besides adult anger, lectures, or rejection.

        Appropriate consequences include situations that temporarily prevent the misbehavior, such as restriction of a privilege, or that withhold something that is important to the child. Some children act as though no consequences matter to them. This may puzzle their parents. However, careful consideration will usually reveal certain activities, friends, or privileges that are important and enjoyable to them. Even a withdrawn child, for example, may be required to spend some time with the family in exchange for some privilege they have been taking for granted. If parents are firm and consistent, the child will learn that all things have a price. If parents remain positive and firm over several weeks of great resistance, they and their child will both learn confidence and move forward together.

        Many people think that establishing consequences is just another way to punish a child for doing something wrong. In reality, this depends upon the attitude of the adults.

        It is helpful for children to experience a consequence when they have violated the rights of others or disobeyed important rules. If consequences are carried out calmly, the child will learn from it. If punished in anger or disgust, the child will obey because he fears anger, but this fear will override learning.

        Some parents wonder, "How do I accept the child without making him think I approve of his misbehavior?" Parents seem to think that a friendly interaction will lead the child to conclude that the parent approves of his deeds. This conclusion is incorrect if the parent consistently applies the consequences of the misbehavior. Consider the father of the Prodigal Son. Because the son had experienced consequences as a natural result of his decisions, the father did not have to punish him in any way. Instead, he greeted him with open arms, as well as with a robe, a ring, and a fatted calf. (See Luke 15:22-23.) Did this father approve of his son's deeds? No. Was the son "getting away with something"? No. The wise father knew that the son had suffered the consequences of his sins. This was sufficient. His method of discipline was not to control but to teach through acts of love. This is spiritual power, the best example we can set for our children.

Suggested Readings

G. Hugh Allred, How to Strengthen Your Marriage and Family (Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University Press, 1976).

Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay, Raising a Responsible Child (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1973).

Terrance D. Olson, "When Your Children Lie to You," Ensign 7 (August 1977): 17-19.

About the Author

Dr. Suzanne Hanna received her bachelor's degree from Brigham Young University, her master's degree from the University of Utah, and her Ph.D. from BYU. A marriage and family therapist in private practice, Dr. Hanna has taught in the BYU Department of Family Sciences and has been a psychotherapist in the Mental Health Center at LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City.

In the Church, Dr. Hanna has served in many capacities, including as a Sunday School teacher, a Relief Society teacher, a Young Women's adviser, and a member of a stake Relief Society board.

She lives in Madison, Wisconsin.