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Chapter 13 After Divorce - Jane Beuhring
The emergency-room door opens and
paramedics rush in with a seriously injured person. Being more accustomed to
physical pain and suffering than most of us, the hospital personnel seem to
function automatically, almost unemotionally. They monitor vital signs,
introduce life-saving procedures, and pursue a systematic evaluation of
injuries.
Unlike the emotionally seasoned
workers in the emergency room, lay counselors have often not been exposed to
enough emotional tragedies to withstand becoming emotionally involved
themselves. Because of their emotional involvement, they may be somewhat
ineffective.
It is essential to clean the wound
before it can heal, yet we're apprehensive about inflicting more pain. Because
it is not pleasant to share others' emotional pain, we may find ourselves
applying small, convenient bandages when we should be performing major surgery.
So it is with the emotionally distressed divorcee or the person about to be
divorced. The healing process is often long, complex, and painful.
As a counselor in the Church, you
are in a position to give spiritual as well as temporal guidance. Both should be
given with an eternal perspective.
The experiences through which the
divorced person has passed are much like hands molding potter's clay. The
person's responses to your counsel may be soft, pliable, willing, and
submissive, or bitter, hard, and dry, like unyielding clay—resistant to
change.
The apparently hardened person may
feel alienated and may alienate others. But beneath the hard exterior you may
find a person crying out for acceptance and love. This facade is a poor
protection against pain; it usually invites responses that are just the opposite
of what the person hopes to receive in return. This hard exterior may be
characterized by defensive, angry, or justifying behavior and responses. When
someone feels attacked and challenged by life, it is unlikely that he will see
that it is possible to give up his negative feelings.
Pain is often a necessary part of
change, and can be a very useful tool when the results are productive. However,
people often resist when we try to force them to give up their pain. Usually the
person is unaware that he is holding on to pain so desperately. It may be true
that he has been wronged, unjustly dealt with, and persecuted; nevertheless,
until he is truly willing to put all that behind him, he is savoring the pain.
It is up to you to show love,
acceptance, and concern for the person without sanctioning his anger. When given
sincere love and concern, the person can become soft and pliable—capable of
being molded anew.
Someone has said that if you give
a man food, you feed him for a day, but if you can teach him how to grow his
food, he can feed himself for life. The divorced person may feel a hunger, but
not know what will be nourishing. The food you have to give is "every word
that proceedeth forth from the mouth of God." This food, this truth, does
not exist just for a select group; it exists for all. Obedience to the basic
truths of the gospel is necessary for a person to find happiness, and the
divorced person is no exception. The person may say, "Oh, what do you know
about divorce?" or "You've never been through what I have." This
is unimportant. The real question the person faces is not "How can he
understand me?" but "What am I to understand?" Or more
significantly, not "What should I do?" but "What should I
be?" When "What should I be?" is answered in an eternal
perspective I should be forgiving, charitable, industrious, self-reliant, and so
on—then the answer to "What should I do?" may come clearly into
focus.
Too often we resist doing what we
know is right because we see ourselves as helpless to affect circumstances and
powerless to create change. This sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and lack
of self-esteem can be the result not only of divorce, but of the circumstances
leading to divorce.
The Single Adult
Those divorcing who have no children may have a different set of concerns
than do divorcing parents. The childless divorcée may be more isolated. Of
course, they do have relationships with their parents, siblings, cousins, and so
on, but the couple friends they had while married may no longer be interested in
bowling or dinners together—even if the divorced person brings a date. For a
person to be labeled as divorced, by ward members or others, is
unfortunate. The divorced person is still a person with inherent worth.
The Emotions of the Divorced
The emotions of those who lose a marriage partner through divorce are similar
to the feelings of those who lose a spouse through death. These feelings are
discussed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. These
feelings or stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
fn
The first stage, denial, helps buffer the shock of divorce. It is a
temporary defense against the unwanted or unexpected. It allows the person to
adjust at his own speed.
Anger is the second stage. It may be vented in all directions.
Bitterness, anger, and resentment, whether against the person's former spouse,
his circumstances, society, or the Lord, are extremely destructive. These
feelings may greatly hinder the person's progress. One is not ready or even able
to love again until he abandons these feelings. Negative emotions do far more
damage to those who have them than to the people to whom they are directed.
Bargaining is the third stage of emotional adjustment. Bargaining
with the Lord seems to be particularly common among those facing divorce. We all
seek answers to our prayers, but the single person often finds himself being
obedient to the Lord's commandments in order to receive a specific blessing—namely,
a mate. Often, when this blessing does not come, the person becomes angry with
the Lord: "I'm being obedient; why does he refuse to bless me?" Such
people don't understand two fundamental ideas: (1) that true obedience is
submitting to the will of the Lord unconditionally, without selfish motives; (2)
the Lord's timetable is not the same as our own. These people need to be
encouraged to reexamine their motives for obedience. Are they obedient with
their hearts or only as a way to earn blessings?
After one has experienced denial, anger, bargaining, and still their
circumstances remain unchanged, he often falls into a state of depression, the
fourth stage. From this feeling of hopelessness that nothing the person can do
will change his relationship with his ex-spouse, a sense of reality and finality
may emerge. This prepares the way for acceptance of the divorce, the
fifth stage. When such acceptance finally occurs, the person will actually be
relieved, and peace, direction, and even joy can return to their lives. They are
then prepared to build another meaningful relationship. If such a relationship
is considered prior to this acceptance, they are not as likely to succeed in it.
Some people will take years to go through these stages. Others will have gone
through them before the actual divorce occurs. Some may progress steadily
through the cycle, while others will repeatedly regress. If the divorced person
is aware that his feelings have also been experienced by others and that he,
too, can reach acceptance, he will be somewhat reassured. Acceptance is also
something to strive for, for with it comes peace of mind.
Other Feelings of the Divorced
The divorced have the problem of facing family and friends to explain what
may be perceived as a failure. Divorce frequently includes feelings of
embarrassment and humiliation. The question of mere survival is often
overwhelming. The person wonders, "How will I provide for my children and
pay the expenses ahead? How well will the children adjust? Where will I work if
I have to work? Will people accept me and the children? Will new Church leaders
understand? Will I ever be given a trusted position again?" These and many
other questions can create negative feelings that need to be understood. Some of
these are discussed below.
Low Self-Esteem
The end of an intimate relationship is often accompanied by feelings of low
self-esteem. When a person is suffering from low self-esteem, his capacity to
function well in society is severely hampered. Communication and problem-solving
skills become limited, which causes more problems, which further lower
self-esteem. Because feelings of worthlessness are not of God, people with these
feelings may not feel comfortable about their relationship with God.
Consequently, they may eventually withdraw from the Lord and the Church if they
do not receive help.
Guilt and Shame
Even though feelings of guilt and shame are a necessary part of repentance,
unnecessary guilt and shame are sometimes experienced by those who have not
transgressed but who have divorced. Society may sometimes demand repentance of
people from whom no repentance is required. Such feelings in a ward or
neighborhood are destructive and counter to gospel teachings. In such a setting,
the divorced person may feel so uncomfortable that he becomes inactive, or, if
he continues activity in the Church, he may interpret innocent responses as
evidence of condemnation.
Helping the Emotionally Troubled
When working with a person who is highly emotional, be cautious in your show
of empathy. Yes, your concern needs to be genuine, but if you are not careful,
you may end up encouraging or reinforcing behavior that may promote dependence
on you. Listen for statements by the divorced person that reflect mature,
rational judgment, and reinforce such statements, encouraging continued good
judgment in future decisions. For example, a divorced woman may come to you and
spend half an hour vacillating between tears and anger. She may discuss
financial, social, emotional, personal, practical, family, and religious
concerns. After wearing herself out emotionally, she may simply stop and say
something like, "Well, this isn't getting me anywhere. I just need to take
things one at a time."
At this point you might say something like, "I can see that even though
you have a number of concerns, you are realistic enough to see that you can only
do so much. And you really do have the ability to pull yourself together. I'm
proud of you for your ability to be so strong." Whatever you say, be
certain that you are sincere and believe it yourself. No one likes to be
patronized. Even a few comments of support and encouragement are helpful.
It may be that the divorced person is so discouraged that you may need to
point out his personal strengths. You may say something like, "I know you
love your children and are doing all you can to be a good parent" or
"I know you want to do what's right, and that takes a lot of courage."
Emotions are difficult to deal with at times, but they can be used to good
advantage, for a change in behavior is more likely to occur when strong emotion
is present. However, what the emotion is may influence whether the change is
good or bad. The divorced person may need to be made aware of the destructive
nature of some emotions, such as hatred or envy, and rid themselves of them. On
the other hand, feelings of discouragement and frustration may drive the person
to "try anything" to improve his situation.
Concerns of the Divorced
Besides dealing with their emotions, divorced people have many
"practical" concerns. The most common of these are discussed below.
Telling the Children
Before a divorce, many children begin to feel as if they are no longer loved
because their parents are so busy with their marital problems. When the actual
divorce occurs, many feel as if they are in some way to blame. They may
reprimand themselves and feel sorry for not having been more
"obedient." Some may even express this to their parents, begging them
to stay together with a promise to "be good."
Most children suspect a divorce is coming before it actually occurs. Many may
have lived with the threat for years, and either don't believe it will ever
happen or are not surprised by it.
The counselor needs to understand the possible frame of mind of the children
of divorced parents—or of those about to be divorced. Parents are often
completely unaware that their children feel guilty about the divorce.
Consequently, your counsel to the parents might be for them to continually
reassure their children of their love for them. The children should never be
made to feel that they were in any way responsible for the divorce.
Children may go through the same stages of loss as their parents. If parents
are aware of this, they can better help their children adjust.
Breaking the News to Those Outside the Family
One of the first things the newly divorced person has to face is breaking the
news to neighbors, friends, business associates, and loved ones. He is sure to
get different responses. Many people immediately ask, "Why?" The
temptation to respond is great, but trying to explain may prove frustrating and
demeaning.
One woman said, "I wanted to tell all. I wanted to be understood and
appreciated for the sincere efforts I had made to save the marriage. I wanted
people to know I didn't just quit on a whim. It wasn't that the grass looked
greener elsewhere; I just knew that it was what I had to do. Where to begin? It
began so far back that it's hard to pinpoint exactly. So many destructive
events. People wouldn't believe me even if I told them. And even if they did
believe me, they would wonder what was wrong with me. Oh, now I sound like a
martyr . . . or a saint. I guess it's just easier not to respond at all."
Generally, it appears that the best counsel to give the divorced is to tell
as little as possible about the details of the divorce. They need to be prepared
for the fact that some may reflect shock, dismay, and, especially with loved
ones, hurt and even anger.
A brief statement of fact is usually the easiest for everyone. One woman said
that when people asked about her divorce, she would reply, "Oh, didn't you
know?" This seemed to limit the request for more details.
It would be ideal if both spouses could mutually agree to keep the details of
their divorce private. Unfortunately, many feel so much hurt and bitterness that
they cannot resist the opportunity to gain a sympathetic ear.
Even though the divorced need to be encouraged to limit those in whom they
confide, they should still be encouraged to find someone that they trust to talk
with. Sometimes the best therapy is to be able to talk without being concerned
about being judged.
Finances
Having adequate financial resources to provide for themselves and their
children is often one of the greatest concerns of the divorced person. This is
more often a problem if the mother has custody of the children. Few women are
able to earn an income large enough to completely provide for a family. And a
relatively small percentage of divorced fathers maintain regular child-support
payments.
If income is reduced dramatically, a reevaluation of financial priorities is
in order. Often what the person once considered a necessity must now be viewed
as a luxury. How well the person's limited resources are managed will greatly
determine the financial direction of the family. Poverty is an attitude, not a
result of one's economic level. Again, the goal is to teach, not to take over.
Role Models for Children
Too many great men and women have been raised by one parent to attach undue
concern to the absolute need for a role model, but providing appropriate role
models seems to be a genuine concern to most single parents. Since most children
are in the custody of their mother, this concern seems to be most critical in
raising boys—particularly in teaching about priesthood responsibilities,
sexuality, and preparation for an occupation. Home teachers, Church leaders, and
friends can help.
One woman was grateful for a neighbor who frequently called her son over to
help with various projects. Even though his "help" may have consisted
simply of holding a wrench or bracing an already secure wall, he was sharing
time with a man. He may not have actually learned much, but the time spent was
reinforcing for the child and reassuring to the mother.
Mothers and fathers as single parents should be encouraged to model their
roles to the best of their ability. Mothers should be good homemakers, students
of the gospel, and examples of womanliness. Fathers should be good providers and
priesthood holders. Children of the same sex will learn their role, as well as
children of the opposite sex, if the parent is constant rather than switching
roles according to the sex of the child or the occasion. Generally, children
learn at least as much about their roles from the parent of the opposite sex as
from the parent of the same sex.
Visitation and the "Lollypop War"
Often, the separated parent will frequently visit the children or have them
stay over for a weekend. Usually one parent is more financially secure and will
try not only to win the children's love with entertainment and gifts but will
use these things to "show up" the other parent. This inevitably
produces resentment and varying forms of competition between the parents, with
the children caught in the middle. This may result in guilt for the less
financially secure parent who can't provide as well for the children.
A typical pattern, if such competition is avoided, is for the visits to
become less frequent and the gifts less extravagant. Eventually, the visits may
stop completely since the motivation to "win" and "get even"
decreases and other interests take over.
Good counsel would be for the person to remain true to eternal goals and to
have the faith and confidence that the children will recognize truth.
The Parent without Custody
"I miss my kids terribly. When I have them with me, I just can't seem to
do enough to show them how much they mean to me. We usually spend our time
together doing fun things like going to the zoo, the movies, or the park. We eat
out and buy lots of treats and usually a toy or two.
"At first it was fun. It seemed like the only way to let them know I
still love them. Now they seem to expect it, even demand it. I've become just
the "candy man" to them. What a hollow feeling! All I want to do is be
their dad—to tuck them in at night, help with their homework, play catch, and
bandage scratched knees."
This example may not reflect the feelings of every parent without custody of
their children. Some may be relieved to no longer bear the burden of
responsibility. But they are not likely to be the parents you will be
counseling.
Too often we think of the divorced parent without the children as
"having a free ride," with no commitments, just "foot-loose and
fancy free." Little do we consider the pain they may be experiencing. It
might help them to suggest ways they can get closer to their children: scouting
projects, low-cost entertainment, picnics, camping. The parent needs to keep in
mind what is best for his children rather than just what is easiest for him.
Too often the easiest activity is the one that is selected—movies,
television, and so on. Not only do the children begin to expect this, but they
may become increasingly dissatisfied with the custodial parent, who may not have
as many financial resources to entertain them. In such cases, the visiting
parent may become just the "candy man," and the custodial parent ends
up with dissatisfied children. Such cases are bad for the children as well,
because neither parent is attending to what would really be best for children—the
parents are only trying to see which of them can be most popular.
Moving
When divorce occurs, obviously one or possibly both parties are forced to
move. Whenever possible, especially for the parent with custody of the children,
the family should change as few things as possible. They should minimize the
number of adjustments necessary and maximize the benefits of the
already-established resources and support systems of family, friends, and
neighbors.
Still, sometimes it appears easier to "get away and get a fresh
start." If divorced people seem determined to move, it may be advisable to
explore their motives. If they are running away from problems only to meet those
same problems in the new location, you may want to counsel them about solving
their problems before they leave. If they are embarrassed or discouraged, they
can deal with their feelings more easily in an existing support group than in a
brand new one.
When moves do occur, you may want to suggest these things divorced people can
do in the new area:
1. Be the first to take a plate of cookies to the immediate neighbors. They
shouldn't wait for others to come to them.
2. Introduce themselves to the parents of their children's new friends.
3. Allow those people who feel uncomfortable around divorced people to keep
their distance until they are ready to accept the divorced family.
4. Be friendly . . . and patient.
Here are some ways to help divorced people who move into your area:
1. Whenever possible, help the person move.
2. Briefly orient them to your area. Tell them the location of schools,
shopping centers, and medical facilities. Tell them your church schedule.
3. Introduce them to others you think they would relate to.
4. Invite them to your home. They will then know at least one family who
accepts them.
Whether you are preparing someone to make a successful move or you are
receiving someone into your area, your influence may well determine the
direction their life will take.
Education
Education is a short-term sacrifice but a long-term gain. Divorced people
often think something like this: "How am I going to provide for myself and
my children with the skills I have? I'd love to go to college or a trade school,
but that's impossible. I just don't have the money."
Too often people give up without even trying. There are many stories of
people who have accomplished what they wanted to do in spite of serious
obstacles.
One sister had a job as a secretary. The pay was minimal and her interests
were elsewhere. She decided to take classes one at a time to complete her
education. Upon getting her bachelor's degree, she realized it was not
marketable in the real world. Determined to not be a secretary the rest of her
life, she applied to a graduate school. She didn't know where the money would
come from to go, but felt sure that she should pursue her education. She moved
forward one small step at a time, not knowing beforehand how she would
accomplish her goal. Eventually she did receive the education—and the job—she
desired.
Many resources are available to assist those who are determined to receive an
education and have a genuine need to do so—assistantships, scholarships,
grants, and school loans.
You may want to consider these questions when counseling a divorced person
who needs further education:
1. What training does the person already have?
2. What is needed to obtain further training?
3. What resources are available in the family?
4. What resources are available in the community, the school, and the Church?
5. How willing is the person to make a short-term sacrifice for a long-term
gain?
6. How willing is the person to take one step into the dark, by faith,
knowing a way will be opened up?
Social and Emotional Needs
Too often the divorced person thinks that the best answer to the problems of
divorce is to remarry as soon as possible. He may say, "I have a
responsibility to find another partner for my children." Even though this
is a worthy goal, it is critical to keep priorities in order. The person should
work on having a good relationship with himself, his children, and the Lord.
Then he will be in a better position to develop a new marriage relationship.
This does not mean the person should have no social contact, but simply that he
should exercise caution before vigorously seeking a new spouse. A worthwhile
pursuit may be to become the kind of person he himself hopes to find.
Staying Active in the Church
The Church is for all people—old, young, rich, poor, married,
single, divorced, or widowed. The gospel teaches the necessity of the family for
exaltation. But just because one does not currently enjoy the blessings of a
complete family is no reason for him to reject ever having one or to envy those
who do. The real challenge is to enjoy the total program of the Church without
having the ideal family situation. One sister was quite inactive while
married, but upon obtaining a divorce, she began having family prayer, scripture
study, and family home evening. She worked with her children on welfare projects
and invited friends in to take cookies to a neighbor. She even set up a limited
family preparedness program with each child being responsible for a specific
area. She saw the single adult program of the Church as a supplement to rather
than a substitute for the Church. Her bishop wisely provided her with a calling
that allowed her maximum time with her children and yet helped her feel that she
was contributing to the ward in a meaningful way. When home teachers were
assigned, she took time to express her needs to them, and they became the
representatives of the priesthood in her home. Instead of feeling alienated,
judged, different, incomplete, and isolated, she felt completely accepted by her
ward members.
Another divorced sister, however, was having many problems in her home and
felt resentful toward the Church. She had a garden spot she wanted to use. Not
having planted before, she asked for help from her home teachers. Her request
was not unreasonable. When the appointed time arrived, the home teacher was
unable to come, so his wife willingly went instead. The divorced sister answered
the door, handed the home teacher's wife the seeds, and pointed to the garden;
then she turned and closed the door!
Such an attitude invites alienation rather than oneness. It says, "You
are supposed to take care of me; it is your duty." The other extreme is to
be in great need but fearfully refuse to seek help. Such an attitude deprives
the person needing help, and it also deprives others of the opportunity to
serve.
Expressing genuine needs and sincerely seeking help is often a way to humble
oneself to accept counsel. Your responsibility is to give counsel that looks
after immediate needs as well as eternal goals and to teach self-reliance.
Several sisters, when asked how they were helped most by their ward members,
said:
"My bishop shakes my hand every Sunday, looks into my eyes, and asks me
how things are going."
"My visiting teacher calls me periodically just to check up on me."
"My home teacher always follows through with the things he says
he'll do. If I don't hear back from him immediately, someone else follows up and
gets back to me."
"I especially like the concern priesthood leaders express and show to my
children—especially my boys."
"Other families in the ward occasionally include me for picnics or other
activities. It's nice to feel included."
"My neighbors are so thoughtful. They make me feel secure in knowing
that they are watching out for me."
"Holidays are particularly difficult for me. I've especially appreciated
acts of love and concern at those times."
These comments are only a few of the ways people can help those who are
divorced.
Counseling Techniques
The divorced person would not want to talk with you if he did not trust you.
You need to continue to be worthy of that trust. Though we all make mistakes,
the sincerity of your desire to help will carry you through many times when you
may feel at a loss for the appropriate skills.
Frequently the divorced may seek your counsel on a topic that may seem minor.
This may simply be an excuse to talk to you. Deeper concerns may lie just
beneath the surface. If you suspect this to be the case, you may want to ask
some questions that create an opportunity for the person to talk about his real
feelings.
When working with specific problems, consider the need to involve the
person's total family. Frequently, more cooperation is possible if everyone is
aware of the details of a problem, especially if it is something that involves
everyone, such as finances, household responsibilities, spirituality in the
home, and so on. Assignments and commitments can be made and the differences
resolved if everyone works together.
Where there is one problem, there may be many. It may be helpful to have the
divorced person write down all of his concerns and then decide which ones he can
do something about. (Sometimes people worry about things that cannot be changed
or over which they have no control.)
For those things he can do something about, the person could:
1. Prioritize the problems.
2. Have them define the problems in clear terms.
3. Brainstorm alternative solutions to the problems (even those ideas that
seem ridiculous may spawn new ideas).
4. Select the best solution and break it down into workable parts—specific
things to do.
5. Commit to a time frame for accomplishing the tasks.
After Divorce Note
1. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan,
1969).
About the Author
Jane C. Beuhring is presently a homemaker. Her educational background
includes a bachelor's degree in home economics from Brigham Young University and
studies toward a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the same
institution.
Mrs. Beuhring presently serves in her ward Relief Society presidency. In the
past she has held various teaching positions. She has been a Young Special
Interest leader on the ward, stake, and regional levels.
She and her husband, Ryan, are the parents of six children.
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