Chapter 14 Parenting Alone - Suzanne Dastrup
Families with only one parent can
be found in every unit of the Church. These families may be the result of
divorce, death, or pregnancy out of wedlock. But all families with only one
parent share a common difficulty—they must accomplish with one parent all that
is generally accomplished by two.
The needs of the one-parent family
vary from situation to situation. The family with young children may be seeking
child-care services or occupational direction. The family with teenagers may
need a roving ward member to help with Boy Scout merit badges or to fill an
absent father's shoes on a daddy-daughter night. These specific needs will be
different for each family. It is possible, however, to identify some general
needs that apply to almost all single parent families.
First, one parent can't be both at
home and at work. When the single parent is at work, her supervision and
organization at home are not possible. If the single parent stays home, she has
no source of income. Another problem is that when the single parent is thinking
about work, she is not emotionally at home even if she is physically at home!
Consequently, her home life suffers. And if she has to worry about her family
while she is at work, her work may suffer.
Plumbing, gardening, yard care,
budgeting, and automobile upkeep all need to be taken care of by someone, but
then who is left to attend the children's school play, soccer game, or roadshow?
Even in a two-parent family, covering all of the bases is a tough job. However,
accomplishing all of these tasks with only one parent is even tougher.
Unburdening the Single Parent
The greatest need for the single parent is to be unburdened enough to be
"emotionally available" to her children. The parent who is emotionally
available in the home is one who listens, who responds with warmth and caring,
who intervenes with direction and discipline, and who frequently radiates the
Spirit in parent-child interactions. A parent is most able to be emotionally
available to children when she is relatively free of worry and is inwardly
confident and peaceful.
There are four specific difficulties in the single-parent home that may
interfere with this parent-child relationship. These difficulties are
responsibility overload, financial stress, bitterness, and isolation and
self-doubt.
Responsibility Overload
The single parent is housekeeper, cook, breadwinner, seamstress, laundress,
football coach, family referee, home evening lesson-preparer, family prayer
organizer, plumber, mechanic, electrician, and gardener. But single parents do
not necessarily have to be immobilized or constantly on edge because of
responsibility overload. A more realistic vision of the main things they want to
accomplish can alleviate some of the tension. Single parents should be
congratulated on the multitude of tasks they complete each day. They should be
encouraged to emphasize their accomplishments and not their failures.
It is generally true that one-parent families become discouraged by observing
the two-parent families around them. This will lead to distress, guilt, and
failure. One of the most important goals for single parents to achieve is to
free themselves from comparisons with two-parent families.
Another goal is to find ways to take care of responsibilities that are not
being fulfilled. Single parents should do everything they possibly can to manage
the household, themselves, and their children. Having done this, they should
then rely on extended family and ward or stake members to help with additional
family responsibilities. These loved ones are called a support system.
Another support system is professionally trained social workers, counselors,
and family therapists, whose skills and training can be helpful during any
particularly stressful time.
A carefully selected live-in housekeeper can sometimes help a burdened single
parent. This type of supportive involvement can free the parent to concentrate
on his or her profession and children. Some single parents use members of their
extended family (an aunt, sister, or mother) in a similar arrangement.
Relatives, home teachers, visiting teachers, friends, and neighbors may need
to be told what specific things they can do to help. Often, people are afraid to
serve others because they don't want to be "meddlers." The comment
"Let me know what I can do . . . " is casually offered, but the
desperately needed service is seldom rendered. Family and Church members may
enjoy the blessing of service by looking for specific ways to help.
Financial Stress
A less easily solved problem for single parents is financial stress. Almost
without exception, one of the first consequences of divorce is a reduction in
family income. The income that originally supported just one household must now
support two. (Financial stress is usually also a problem for the widow or
widower.) Frequently the partner who is least qualified to earn a good income
(the mother) is left with the major responsibility (the children). In such
cases, poverty becomes a real problem. Poverty cannot be eliminated as easily as
its effects can be understood and compensated for. Some of the negative effects
of financial stress include the following.
1. Fewer luxuries or "extras" for the family (including
recreation).
2. A change in residence, usually to smaller accommodations in an unfamiliar
neighborhood.
3. Frequent moving, which contributes to parent and child insecurity.
4. Inability of the working parent to supervise her children.
Obviously, several of these negative effects can increase a child's
insecurity. A move (or several moves) to a strange neighborhood adds many
unknowns to a child's already upset world. Similarly, an abrupt reduction in
quality of life-style can confuse and embitter a child. Inadequate supervision
denies the child the structure and the boundaries he so desperately needs. When
adequate child-care facilities are too expensive, a single parent often resorts
to less effective means of supervision. Single parents most frequently rely on
neighborhood teenagers as their full-time sitters. This is understandable for
part-time care, but such full-time care may not provide the supervision and
direction the child needs. Family and Church members could be informed of the
need for help. Without proper supervision, the child is apt to suffer long-term
confusion, rebellion, or lack of direction. Support systems can help minimize
all the negative effects of financial stress.
Bitterness
For divorced, single parents, bitterness seems inevitable. During the first
year following the divorce, most interactions between the divorced mother and
father involve conflict over financial support, visitation arrangements, or
child rearing. With time, however, these conflicts should decrease and the
discussion of such issues should no longer be taken personally. The parents can
be counseled to give up their defensiveness and to begin to increase their
mutual cooperation. This cooperation is especially important for the children.
Divorced parents often express anger to their children. In their anguish,
parents sometimes accuse their ex-spouse of any number of grievous sins. Such
accusations may be accurate, but they may also be upsetting to a child. Some
parents even make dishonest accusations. Children probably experience the most
severe effects of bitterness when they are forced into such gossip sessions.
Children naturally and wholesomely love both of their biological parents and
should not be placed in a situation where they must deny their love for and
loyalty to either of them. After a substantial adjustment period following a
divorce, single parents should be counseled that cooperation with the former
spouse will help the adjustment of everyone concerned. Cooperation may appear
impossible at first, but an eternal perspective will allow a more compassionate
view of an ex-spouse.
Love for the children is also shown through a cooperative relationship with
the ex-spouse. When the parents are mature and friendly and arrange visits with
the children with kindness and concern, there will be fewer emotional
repercussions. This is not to say that divorces are based on love, but
mud-slinging and backbiting could be eliminated with more satisfactory results
for all concerned.
A second source of bitterness is loneliness and despair. By nature, people
want to nurture, share, give, and receive in an eternal and complete family
unit. These desires are righteous; they constitute the basic core of eternal
identity. The periodic emergence of these unfulfilled desires results in a
single parent's yearning and often in pain, resentment, and bitterness. The
family's wish for completeness, the child's wish for a father or a mother, and
the parent's wish for an eternal companion will probably reemerge for years to
come. Single parents who do not remarry within two years following a divorce or
the death of a spouse frequently report intense feelings of loneliness. This
loneliness should not be incapacitating, but it should likewise not be denied,
for it shows a refusal to give up an eternal family identity. Still, such
loneliness may be difficult to endure, and the single parents may resign
themselves to bitterness at the expense of patience, humility, and faith. Then
they may not feel able to build good relationships with anyone.
Isolation and Self-Doubt
Isolation and subsequent self-doubt are another area of stress for single
parents. Responsibility overload and financial stress each contribute to a
single parent's isolation—lack of time and funds make it difficult for the
person to have an adequate social life. Soon, the person begins to doubt her
ability to build relationships with others, which leads to further isolation.
Isolation and self-doubt may also be the result of being single in a
family-oriented world. The social stigma or stereotype of "the
divorcee" or "the widower" may affect the single parent.
Prejudices about single parents are sometimes held by misinformed or unaware
people who feel it necessary to categorize people rather than accept them on
their individual merit. However, this type of nonacceptance, in a Church unit or
in a neighborhood, is usually more imagined than real. Because of this, it is
valuable for single parents to be heavily involved in Church activities. This
helps them to feel accepted by others.
Feeling inferior or out of place is certainly not the Lord's will for his
children. We have been counseled "to give priority attention to single
adults and their needs, to the extent that they will be properly involved in the
mainstream of Church activity and will enjoy a foundation of growth and
happiness in their Church association and personal lives." This quotation
from "Guidelines for Single Adult Activities" distributed by the First
Presidency in December 1979 emphasizes a need to reach out to members who are
alone or lonely. Support from others can help lift single parents' burdens, free
them to be emotionally available to their children, and strengthen them to be
powerfully contributing Church members.
Suggested Readings
P. N. Clayton, "Meeting the Needs of the Single-Parent Family,"
Family Coordinator 20 (1971):327-36.
N. D. Colletta, "The Impact of Divorce: Father-Absence or Poverty?"
Journal of Divorce 3 (1979):27-35.
D. S. Jacobson, "The Impact of Marital Separation/Divorce on
Children," Journal of Divorce 1 (1978):341-59.
H. A. Mendes, "Single-Parent Families: A Typology of Life Styles," Social
Work 24 (1979): 193-200.
B. Morris, "Counseling the Divorced L. D. S. Woman, in Journal of the
Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists 6 (1980):26-29.
R. Weiss, Going It Alone (New York: Basic Books, Inc., 1979).
J. D. West and F. Simone, "Counseling the Discouraged Single
Parent," in Individual Psychologist 16 (1979):48-53.
About the Author
Suzanne Little Dastrup, a homemaker and single parent, received her
bachelor's and master's degrees from Brigham Young University. She is presently
nearing completion of her Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from the same
institution. An author and lecturer on single parents and reconstituted
families, she has also been a counselor at the BYU Counseling Center and a
family therapist at the Comprehensive Clinic at BYU.
Mrs. Dastrup is an active member of the Church. She has held positions in the
Relief Society and has been YWMIA president, regional Young Special Interest
leader, and Sunday School teacher.
She is the mother of three children.
