Counseling women implies certain responsibilities that are not necessarily unique to counseling in Church settings but that are crucial to blessing the lives of women in the Church. Too often, women come away from counseling sessions feeling that they have not really been listened to, that they have not had an opportunity to state their entire problem before advice and counsel were given, that their concerns were not believed or were trivialized by the counselor. Considering this, here are some general guidelines for counseling with a woman: be honest with her; be a safe refuge for her; keep her confidences. At first, the support and understanding she receives from you will be more helpful than any information you could impart.

        Typically, a woman will be grateful for your comfort and express appreciation for you. If you are a man, take care not to misread her gratitude and expression of care for you as being more than she intends. If her thankfulness were more than honest praise, she would be out of bounds in her feelings, and if you were to respond improperly, you would be dishonoring your responsibility. If your offer of help has been genuine, then you are representing the Savior in charity. If her response is honest, then she is communicating gratitude. It is not uncommon for a counselor or client to claim to have "fallen in love" with a person they are seeing. That kind of "love" is a counterfeit of genuine help. By being concerned but not inappropriately intimate, you can be an oasis of help and support.

        Some Latter-day Saint women feel that certain situations generated by our culture put even greater pressure on them than on women generally. Many women simply need a place to express their feelings, assess their problems, and relieve themselves of burdens, with their counselors giving no comment, no judgment, no condemnation. Until a woman is allowed to do this, she will have little room in her mind for the principles and thoughts you may want to share. The counselor who has empathy, understanding, and compassion provides refuge for anyone in need of counseling.

        As you acknowledge a woman's suffering, acknowledge also that it will diminish. The pain she feels does not need to continue at an intense level. It is important to first help reduce her pain; after her wounds are attended to, she will be less likely to lash out, inflicting suffering on herself as well as those around her. Do not talk down to her or say, "You shouldn't feel that way!" Such comments reveal more about your attitudes than about solutions to her problems. The feelings of those in emotional pain are real. If you believe, even subconsciously, that she is an inadequate person, your words and attitude will reveal it. Without your faith in her abilities and talents, without acknowledging her as capable, you have little to offer.

        Sometimes a woman whose suffering is hidden may come for help. Her outward appearance, her standing in the Church or community, or her husband's position may hide her personal struggles. Many people put on a good facade. Take a woman's cries for help seriously; then you can assess how desperate she really may be.

        Few problems develop overnight. A woman can be helped by understanding that she can grow out of a problem just as she grew into it. Like losing weight, psychological and emotional growth need to be measured in small increments. Sometimes just hanging on is progress, and the desire to survive is growth. When a woman has suffered serious depression and feels worthless, help her focus on just fifteen minutes of positive thinking each day, one day at a time, or to hold one happy thought or feeling every day. Acknowledging even one happy thought a week may be progress for some.

        Help the woman to understand that it is not possible for you to make everything right for her. She must learn to do that for herself—with help and support from concerned others. Remember that often women have been raised in a way that promotes dependence on someone other than themselves. Often, that someone has been a man—father, husband, bishop, or stake president. By fostering her own capacities and self-reliance, you can help her take hold of her own life, including her own emotional health. You can explain this to her. Elder Boyd K. Packer has spoken of the need for Latter-day Saints to get off the spiritual dole. fn This is especially true for women who have been socialized to be dependent on almost every level—physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

        Be slow to advise and quick to support. Quick advice is often more judgmental than helpful. Support her in such a way that she will carry her own burdens. Be wary of the "shoulds" that you may not be authorized to suggest, such as "You should get married," "You should not work," or "You should move." Such prescriptions may ignore more fundamental principles the woman needs to learn, such as self-understanding and self-reliance.

        Sometimes a woman who asks for counsel will be angry and depressed and not know why. You may find that her history of dependence has helped cause her to be angry with her husband; resentful of her children; rebellious toward priesthood, God, the Church, or any other authority. The solution to these feelings is one she may reject at first: she may need a closer relationship with God, a better understanding of her own identity, and a clearer sense of her spiritual mission. She needs to understand that the root of personal confidence is her own virtue, and that being a partner in her marriage is an important key to her own salvation. (D&C 132:20.)

        The purpose of eternal marriage is that husband and wife can grow into Godhood together. Marriage must be a partnership of equals. Contrary to culture or practice, woman is not meant to be a junior partner in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball stated in his September 1978 address to women:

        Marriage is a partnership. Each is given a part of the work of life to do. The fact that some women and men disregard their work and their opportunities does not change the program. When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner. fn

        If a woman has not already assumed an equal partnership in her marriage, she should be encouraged and counseled to do so. This may include counseling with her husband, particularly if he sees the patriarchal role as one of domination and demands rather than one of loving persuasion and righteous influence as taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121.

        Although you must recognize your own dependence on the Lord as you counsel, do not give the impression that all you say is of divine inspiration, unless it is and you have the authority to receive inspiration for that person. As one stake president said, "If you are inspired, say so! She needs to know it is the Lord speaking and not you alone. If you feel to advise, let the Lord do it through a blessing, but be very sure you are doing the right thing for her." Anyone who counsels has a profound responsibility to be righteous and to discern the will of the Lord.

When Men Counsel Women
        The way a male counselor views his relationship with a female he is counseling is of vital importance. If he feels, however subtly, that he is superior to her or is just an extension of some other male in her life, he may give inappropriate advice. But if he sees his role as that of a teacher, guide, and one who has a right to bless her because of his Church position, then he is serving her best interests.

        Some women may not have had good relationships with their fathers, husbands, or other men. We sometimes teach children that the love and concern our Heavenly Father has for us is like the love and concern of our earthly fathers. But if a woman has not enjoyed the love of an earthly father or husband, she will not have had that example to teach her about a loving Heavenly Father. Your words and actions should help her better envision Him. The scriptures counsel that if we cannot learn to love our imperfect brothers, neighbors, husbands, and others whom we have seen, we cannot claim to love God whom we have not seen. (See 1 John 4:20-21.)

        What if a woman is married to a tyrannical husband who misuses his priesthood? What is her responsibility? Ideally, of course, it would be to forgive him. This does not mean she should become a doormat to his unrighteousness. It simply means that she will do all in her power to pursue a right course of action herself. Her coming to you with a marital problem grounded in the unrighteous dominion of her husband is in itself righteous and responsible. If she has come alone, it is naive to think that her marital problems will be solved by the two of you alone. A husband must repent of his unrighteousness if his marriage is to be healed. If the husband does not abandon his tyranny, there will be no solution.

        Too many wives suffer the unrighteous dominion of men who dishonor their priesthood. Sometimes a man uses "priesthood" to belittle, control, or even physically abuse a woman. If the woman has difficulty in separating man from priesthood, help her see that unrighteous behavior of such a man means "amen" to his priesthood or authority. (See D&C 121:34-37.) When there is such unrighteousness it does not mean that there is no hope for the future. On the contrary, when husbands and wives repent and forgive, they can solve their problems. Your task is to work toward that goal. This usually means that, at some point, the husband of a woman will also need to be involved in counseling with you.

        Priesthood gives men the governing power in the Church. Men may need to be counseled that this does not make them better, smarter, more blessed, more capable of making correct decisions, more inspired, more logical, or more loved of God than are women.

        Righteous priesthood holders recognize the true status of women and know they are equal to men in spiritual power, divine potential, and responsibility for their callings. Women need to know that they have just as much right to inspiration as men do. But often they do not understand their right to inspiration and revelation and therefore receive none, because they expect none. Help the women you counsel to recognize their own right to receive personal revelation. You might ask, "What is your recommendation in this situation?" You might suggest, "The Lord will reveal your responsibility to you, so let's examine your reservoir of help." Women have great recuperative powers, and they must learn to draw upon the Lord for their strength.

        Help each woman you counsel to understand agency and how to choose the right. Encourage her to study the scriptures and to do her own thinking. If she is depressed, sees herself in an inferior position, or is angry, she may feel incapable of praying to a God who she thinks neither hears her nor cares about her. But such negative feelings can be left behind as she feels the Lord's love and guidance.

        President Spencer W. Kimball has urged the sisters of the Church to become gospel scholars. They deserve to be challenged to learn and teach correct doctrine. Occasionally leaders ask only the husband to speak on doctrinal subjects in sacrament meeting while they ask the wife to speak about her family. Such assignments will tend to weaken, not strengthen, the woman's resolve to become a gospel scholar.

        The family dimension of a woman's gospel scholarship is especially crucial. Pearl Buck's statement that "no man ever recovers fully from the ignorance of his mother" may be even more serious if the ignorance is spiritual. To underestimate the importance of the woman's spiritual influence in the home is disastrous. Though a husband and father should be a spiritual leader in the home, the wife and mother has an equal responsibility to develop her spiritual leadership.

        A woman may hesitate to say anything she feels might diminish or belittle her husband in your eyes. If a counselor is not equipped to help her speak freely, he may want to direct her to someone who can. He may also need to help her learn to talk to her husband in new or different ways. He might say, "Are you willing to try a different line of communication?" or "What might you say instead?" or "I know you don't want to be in an inferior position. Let's practice saying what you feel in another way."

        A woman may benefit from learning to talk honestly and straightforwardly with her husband about her feelings. For example, a woman who has been quietly accepting undue criticism from her husband for a long time may want to change this negative pattern. She needs to tell her husband in a frank but loving way that she does not like being put down, that being criticized hurts her, and that it is harming their relationship. She might say to him that she realizes only he can change his behavior, but that she wants him to know what his negative behavior means to her. fn

        It is a myth that every Latter-day Saint woman should somehow fit into the same mold. Help the women you counsel to understand that they do not have to compete with other Latter-day Saint women! Stress their individuality and urge them not to compare their family, husband, or children with anyone else's. Being good at some things and mediocre at others is typical of most people. God asks us to strive for perfection, but he does not require perfection before he extends his love to us. But as we become perfect in love, then other kinds of progress or perfection follow. When women compare themselves to others, they lose sight of the very principles they are striving to live, and they miss opportunities to either learn from the strengths of others or to help those with other needs.

        Every woman is different from every other woman, and has different needs at the various stages of her life. For example, if the woman you counseled to get married at age twenty-one is still single at age thirty-five, you may find it more appropriate to support her in her career choice than to harp on the theme "You ought to get married!" Carrying out such counsel is hardly something she can do alone. Counseling a woman to stay home and not work may be appropriate for a young mother with small children but inappropriate for a woman of forty-five whose children are grown. Such counsel should focus on general principles regarding family and work commitments; it should rarely involve specific prescriptions. A woman's interests and talents that are a blessing to her family can be offered outside the home as well. To take such talents beyond the walls of her home does not mean she is disobedient, a bad mother, or a marginal Church member. Nor is it wrong for a woman to limit her influence to the home. In summary, there is joy to be found in the diversity of opportunity available to women. They can approach such opportunities faithfully, prayerfully, and individually.

        It is a myth that a woman who raises questions is automatically on the road to apostasy. Women in the Church today are asking many questions about doctrine and Church procedures, just as men are. Think of women who raise questions as people who are willing to discuss their thoughts, not as someone in rebellion. Ask yourself, "Would I be upset, concerned, or feel threatened if this question were coming from a man, or would I merely discuss it with him and then try to find an answer?" If a woman is to be responsible for her own salvation and is to get off the spiritual dole, she needs to ask honest questions and seek honest answers. Honesty in questioning, not the questioning itself, is the key to progress.

        It is a myth that building only faith is sufficient to help someone. If a woman is told that fasting and prayer alone will solve her problems, and then she does fast and pray and the problems are not solved because she still lacks the skills to solve her problems, her guilt is likely to increase; her depression will then become more acute, and it will be that much more difficult to help her out of the negative cycle she is experiencing. She may need tools or skills to help her solve her problems. For example, suppose a couple were called on a mission and were assigned to an area where driving a car was essential in their work and the woman did not know how to drive a car. She would not be told to go home and pray about it. This would be only the beginning of a solution to her problem. Someone would need to teach her how to drive a car, and then she should pray that she might use the new skill safely and correctly. Similarly, if a woman lacks skills in dealing with those around her, she deserves help in learning those skills. Fasting and prayer can be far more effective when the person needing help has been given tools and skills that the Lord can then help her use to solve her problems.

        In his talk to women in September 1979, President Kimball said:

Sometimes to be tested and proved requires that we be temporarily deprived—but righteous women and men will one day receive all—think of it, sisters—all that our Father has! It is not only worth waiting for; it is worth living for!

Meanwhile, one does not need to be married or a mother in order to keep the first and second great commandments—those of loving God and our fellowmen—on which Jesus said hang all the law and all the prophets. fn

        Being single need not inhibit a single woman's efforts to strive for exaltation. A woman who is single, who has no immediate marriage plans, and who seeks a career or advanced degree is not necessarily making a negative statement about marriage. She is probably taking intelligent steps to ensure her own survival, success, and happiness.

        Older single women should be supported in their singleness. They need to know that it is all right to be alone; being single may be second choice, but it is not the end of the world. Yes, families are first. But not all women can be married, since in the twenty-and-over population women outnumber men in the United States by 8.6 million.

        It is not only permissible for women to be single and happy at the same time, but crucial that women of every age find resources that will ensure their happiness whatever their marital status. Helping older single women to adjust in a positive and creative way to this reality calls for insight, understanding, prayer, and freedom from prejudice in the counselor.

        If a counselor has the attitude that a woman is not available to do the Lord's work until some condition in her life changes—until she gets married, remarries, and so on—then the counseling may have an unintended debilitating effect. It is important to remember that every woman, no matter what her marital status, has an earthly mission to perform. This may or may not be in ways that we traditionally think of women serving the Lord. The outcome of any counseling should be to help her, through continual righteous living, to discern directions available to her that are consistent with the Lord's will.

        Fortunate is the young woman who received counsel and encouragement in her youth as to the importance of preparing to take care of herself—and then did. Many women have not so prepared, however, and when they find themselves suddenly widowed or divorced, they do not have the necessary skills to support themselves, let alone their children. Teenage girls who become mothers before age seventeen rarely finish high school and frequently find themselves having to rely on Church or state welfare. Many older women who are left with no husband to support them are locked into low-paying or dead-end jobs because they have acquired no marketable skills. As difficult as it may be for these women to take the time to acquire such skills, three or four years of schooling in their twenties, thirties, or forties can be a great hedge against a life of poverty or welfare dependence. The government now estimates it will cost over $135,000 to raise one child to age eighteen. The financial implications to individual, Church, and state are obvious.

        With a woman's life span now seventy-nine years, most mothers will find themselves with twenty to forty years left after their children are grown and gone. Those who find themselves with time weighing heavily on their hands after years of rearing children might be encouraged to go back to school to broaden their experiences through further education.

        Among the professionals you have to call upon, be sure you have some who can be reached in emergencies after hours. Some counseling services are available only from eight-to-five Monday through Friday. As you become familiar with the counseling resources in your community, you can build relationships with professionals you trust and who are sympathetic to the needs of Latter-day Saints.

        There are different kinds of counseling needs: medical, psychological, and spiritual. If, as you work with a woman, you find that she exhibits bizarre behavior, that together you cannot find any reason for her behavior, that her problems have a set pattern and have gone on for a long time, that she comes to you over and over and seems not to be making any progress, or that you cannot help her discern her responsibility for her own worth, value, and actions, you may wish to seek assistance at a professional level. It is important, however, that you still remain available to her for counsel.

1. Ensign 8 (May 1978): 91-93.

2. Emphasis by President Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign 8 (November 1978): 106.

3. Ensign 9 (August 1979): 23-24.

4. C. Kay Allen, Journey from Fear to Love (Denver, Colorado: Human Values Institute, 1980).

5. Spencer W. Kimball, "The Role of Righteous Women," Ensign 9 (November 1979): 103.

6. Camilla Kimball, "A Woman's Preparation," Ensign 7 (March 1977): 59.

Suggested Readings

C. Kay Allen, Journey from Fear to Love (Denver, Colorado: Human Values Institute, 1980).

Carlfred Broderick, Couples (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1979).

Sterling Ellsworth, Tale of Two Selves (Ellsworth Printing, 1978).

About the Author

Ida Smith, former director of the Women's Research Institute at Brigham Young University, holds a bachelor's degree in political science from the University of Utah. Having had many years of experience in education, business, and industry before coming to BYU, she has coordinated research projects concerning women's issues and consulted with women's organizations on the needs of women in the Church. She now serves with the BYU alumni office.

Sister Smith has spoken to over a hundred different groups between 1979 and 1983 on topics relating to women's concerns.

She has held numerous ward, stake, and regional callings, including gospel doctrine teacher, mother education teacher, counselor in a Young Women's presidency, and Special Interest stake and regional chairman

        Counseling women implies certain responsibilities that are not necessarily unique to counseling in Church settings but that are crucial to blessing the lives of women in the Church. Too often, women come away from counseling sessions feeling that they have not really been listened to, that they have not had an opportunity to state their entire problem before advice and counsel were given, that their concerns were not believed or were trivialized by the counselor. Considering this, here are some general guidelines for counseling with a woman: be honest with her; be a safe refuge for her; keep her confidences. At first, the support and understanding she receives from you will be more helpful than any information you could impart.

        Typically, a woman will be grateful for your comfort and express appreciation for you. If you are a man, take care not to misread her gratitude and expression of care for you as being more than she intends. If her thankfulness were more than honest praise, she would be out of bounds in her feelings, and if you were to respond improperly, you would be dishonoring your responsibility. If your offer of help has been genuine, then you are representing the Savior in charity. If her response is honest, then she is communicating gratitude. It is not uncommon for a counselor or client to claim to have "fallen in love" with a person they are seeing. That kind of "love" is a counterfeit of genuine help. By being concerned but not inappropriately intimate, you can be an oasis of help and support.

        Some Latter-day Saint women feel that certain situations generated by our culture put even greater pressure on them than on women generally. Many women simply need a place to express their feelings, assess their problems, and relieve themselves of burdens, with their counselors giving no comment, no judgment, no condemnation. Until a woman is allowed to do this, she will have little room in her mind for the principles and thoughts you may want to share. The counselor who has empathy, understanding, and compassion provides refuge for anyone in need of counseling.

        As you acknowledge a woman's suffering, acknowledge also that it will diminish. The pain she feels does not need to continue at an intense level. It is important to first help reduce her pain; after her wounds are attended to, she will be less likely to lash out, inflicting suffering on herself as well as those around her. Do not talk down to her or say, "You shouldn't feel that way!" Such comments reveal more about your attitudes than about solutions to her problems. The feelings of those in emotional pain are real. If you believe, even subconsciously, that she is an inadequate person, your words and attitude will reveal it. Without your faith in her abilities and talents, without acknowledging her as capable, you have little to offer.

        Sometimes a woman whose suffering is hidden may come for help. Her outward appearance, her standing in the Church or community, or her husband's position may hide her personal struggles. Many people put on a good facade. Take a woman's cries for help seriously; then you can assess how desperate she really may be.

        Few problems develop overnight. A woman can be helped by understanding that she can grow out of a problem just as she grew into it. Like losing weight, psychological and emotional growth need to be measured in small increments. Sometimes just hanging on is progress, and the desire to survive is growth. When a woman has suffered serious depression and feels worthless, help her focus on just fifteen minutes of positive thinking each day, one day at a time, or to hold one happy thought or feeling every day. Acknowledging even one happy thought a week may be progress for some.

        Help the woman to understand that it is not possible for you to make everything right for her. She must learn to do that for herself—with help and support from concerned others. Remember that often women have been raised in a way that promotes dependence on someone other than themselves. Often, that someone has been a man—father, husband, bishop, or stake president. By fostering her own capacities and self-reliance, you can help her take hold of her own life, including her own emotional health. You can explain this to her. Elder Boyd K. Packer has spoken of the need for Latter-day Saints to get off the spiritual dole. fn This is especially true for women who have been socialized to be dependent on almost every level—physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

        Be slow to advise and quick to support. Quick advice is often more judgmental than helpful. Support her in such a way that she will carry her own burdens. Be wary of the "shoulds" that you may not be authorized to suggest, such as "You should get married," "You should not work," or "You should move." Such prescriptions may ignore more fundamental principles the woman needs to learn, such as self-understanding and self-reliance.

        Sometimes a woman who asks for counsel will be angry and depressed and not know why. You may find that her history of dependence has helped cause her to be angry with her husband; resentful of her children; rebellious toward priesthood, God, the Church, or any other authority. The solution to these feelings is one she may reject at first: she may need a closer relationship with God, a better understanding of her own identity, and a clearer sense of her spiritual mission. She needs to understand that the root of personal confidence is her own virtue, and that being a partner in her marriage is an important key to her own salvation. (D&C 132:20.)

        The purpose of eternal marriage is that husband and wife can grow into Godhood together. Marriage must be a partnership of equals. Contrary to culture or practice, woman is not meant to be a junior partner in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball stated in his September 1978 address to women:

        Marriage is a partnership. Each is given a part of the work of life to do. The fact that some women and men disregard their work and their opportunities does not change the program. When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner. fn

        If a woman has not already assumed an equal partnership in her marriage, she should be encouraged and counseled to do so. This may include counseling with her husband, particularly if he sees the patriarchal role as one of domination and demands rather than one of loving persuasion and righteous influence as taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121.

        Although you must recognize your own dependence on the Lord as you counsel, do not give the impression that all you say is of divine inspiration, unless it is and you have the authority to receive inspiration for that person. As one stake president said, "If you are inspired, say so! She needs to know it is the Lord speaking and not you alone. If you feel to advise, let the Lord do it through a blessing, but be very sure you are doing the right thing for her." Anyone who counsels has a profound responsibility to be righteous and to discern the will of the Lord.

When Men Counsel Women
        The way a male counselor views his relationship with a female he is counseling is of vital importance. If he feels, however subtly, that he is superior to her or is just an extension of some other male in her life, he may give inappropriate advice. But if he sees his role as that of a teacher, guide, and one who has a right to bless her because of his Church position, then he is serving her best interests.

        Some women may not have had good relationships with their fathers, husbands, or other men. We sometimes teach children that the love and concern our Heavenly Father has for us is like the love and concern of our earthly fathers. But if a woman has not enjoyed the love of an earthly father or husband, she will not have had that example to teach her about a loving Heavenly Father. Your words and actions should help her better envision Him. The scriptures counsel that if we cannot learn to love our imperfect brothers, neighbors, husbands, and others whom we have seen, we cannot claim to love God whom we have not seen. (See 1 John 4:20-21.)

        What if a woman is married to a tyrannical husband who misuses his priesthood? What is her responsibility? Ideally, of course, it would be to forgive him. This does not mean she should become a doormat to his unrighteousness. It simply means that she will do all in her power to pursue a right course of action herself. Her coming to you with a marital problem grounded in the unrighteous dominion of her husband is in itself righteous and responsible. If she has come alone, it is naive to think that her marital problems will be solved by the two of you alone. A husband must repent of his unrighteousness if his marriage is to be healed. If the husband does not abandon his tyranny, there will be no solution.

        Too many wives suffer the unrighteous dominion of men who dishonor their priesthood. Sometimes a man uses "priesthood" to belittle, control, or even physically abuse a woman. If the woman has difficulty in separating man from priesthood, help her see that unrighteous behavior of such a man means "amen" to his priesthood or authority. (See D&C 121:34-37.) When there is such unrighteousness it does not mean that there is no hope for the future. On the contrary, when husbands and wives repent and forgive, they can solve their problems. Your task is to work toward that goal. This usually means that, at some point, the husband of a woman will also need to be involved in counseling with you.

        Priesthood gives men the governing power in the Church. Men may need to be counseled that this does not make them better, smarter, more blessed, more capable of making correct decisions, more inspired, more logical, or more loved of God than are women.

        Righteous priesthood holders recognize the true status of women and know they are equal to men in spiritual power, divine potential, and responsibility for their callings. Women need to know that they have just as much right to inspiration as men do. But often they do not understand their right to inspiration and revelation and therefore receive none, because they expect none. Help the women you counsel to recognize their own right to receive personal revelation. You might ask, "What is your recommendation in this situation?" You might suggest, "The Lord will reveal your responsibility to you, so let's examine your reservoir of help." Women have great recuperative powers, and they must learn to draw upon the Lord for their strength.

        Help each woman you counsel to understand agency and how to choose the right. Encourage her to study the scriptures and to do her own thinking. If she is depressed, sees herself in an inferior position, or is angry, she may feel incapable of praying to a God who she thinks neither hears her nor cares about her. But such negative feelings can be left behind as she feels the Lord's love and guidance.

        President Spencer W. Kimball has urged the sisters of the Church to become gospel scholars. They deserve to be challenged to learn and teach correct doctrine. Occasionally leaders ask only the husband to speak on doctrinal subjects in sacrament meeting while they ask the wife to speak about her family. Such assignments will tend to weaken, not strengthen, the woman's resolve to become a gospel scholar.

        The family dimension of a woman's gospel scholarship is especially crucial. Pearl Buck's statement that "no man ever recovers fully from the ignorance of his mother" may be even more serious if the ignorance is spiritual. To underestimate the importance of the woman's spiritual influence in the home is disastrous. Though a husband and father should be a spiritual leader in the home, the wife and mother has an equal responsibility to develop her spiritual leadership.

        A woman may hesitate to say anything she feels might diminish or belittle her husband in your eyes. If a counselor is not equipped to help her speak freely, he may want to direct her to someone who can. He may also need to help her learn to talk to her husband in new or different ways. He might say, "Are you willing to try a different line of communication?" or "What might you say instead?" or "I know you don't want to be in an inferior position. Let's practice saying what you feel in another way."

        A woman may benefit from learning to talk honestly and straightforwardly with her husband about her feelings. For example, a woman who has been quietly accepting undue criticism from her husband for a long time may want to change this negative pattern. She needs to tell her husband in a frank but loving way that she does not like being put down, that being criticized hurts her, and that it is harming their relationship. She might say to him that she realizes only he can change his behavior, but that she wants him to know what his negative behavior means to her. fn

        It is a myth that every Latter-day Saint woman should somehow fit into the same mold. Help the women you counsel to understand that they do not have to compete with other Latter-day Saint women! Stress their individuality and urge them not to compare their family, husband, or children with anyone else's. Being good at some things and mediocre at others is typical of most people. God asks us to strive for perfection, but he does not require perfection before he extends his love to us. But as we become perfect in love, then other kinds of progress or perfection follow. When women compare themselves to others, they lose sight of the very principles they are striving to live, and they miss opportunities to either learn from the strengths of others or to help those with other needs.

        Every woman is different from every other woman, and has different needs at the various stages of her life. For example, if the woman you counseled to get married at age twenty-one is still single at age thirty-five, you may find it more appropriate to support her in her career choice than to harp on the theme "You ought to get married!" Carrying out such counsel is hardly something she can do alone. Counseling a woman to stay home and not work may be appropriate for a young mother with small children but inappropriate for a woman of forty-five whose children are grown. Such counsel should focus on general principles regarding family and work commitments; it should rarely involve specific prescriptions. A woman's interests and talents that are a blessing to her family can be offered outside the home as well. To take such talents beyond the walls of her home does not mean she is disobedient, a bad mother, or a marginal Church member. Nor is it wrong for a woman to limit her influence to the home. In summary, there is joy to be found in the diversity of opportunity available to women. They can approach such opportunities faithfully, prayerfully, and individually.

        It is a myth that a woman who raises questions is automatically on the road to apostasy. Women in the Church today are asking many questions about doctrine and Church procedures, just as men are. Think of women who raise questions as people who are willing to discuss their thoughts, not as someone in rebellion. Ask yourself, "Would I be upset, concerned, or feel threatened if this question were coming from a man, or would I merely discuss it with him and then try to find an answer?" If a woman is to be responsible for her own salvation and is to get off the spiritual dole, she needs to ask honest questions and seek honest answers. Honesty in questioning, not the questioning itself, is the key to progress.

        It is a myth that building only faith is sufficient to help someone. If a woman is told that fasting and prayer alone will solve her problems, and then she does fast and pray and the problems are not solved because she still lacks the skills to solve her problems, her guilt is likely to increase; her depression will then become more acute, and it will be that much more difficult to help her out of the negative cycle she is experiencing. She may need tools or skills to help her solve her problems. For example, suppose a couple were called on a mission and were assigned to an area where driving a car was essential in their work and the woman did not know how to drive a car. She would not be told to go home and pray about it. This would be only the beginning of a solution to her problem. Someone would need to teach her how to drive a car, and then she should pray that she might use the new skill safely and correctly. Similarly, if a woman lacks skills in dealing with those around her, she deserves help in learning those skills. Fasting and prayer can be far more effective when the person needing help has been given tools and skills that the Lord can then help her use to solve her problems.

        In his talk to women in September 1979, President Kimball said:

Sometimes to be tested and proved requires that we be temporarily deprived—but righteous women and men will one day receive all—think of it, sisters—all that our Father has! It is not only worth waiting for; it is worth living for!

Meanwhile, one does not need to be married or a mother in order to keep the first and second great commandments—those of loving God and our fellowmen—on which Jesus said hang all the law and all the prophets. fn

        Being single need not inhibit a single woman's efforts to strive for exaltation. A woman who is single, who has no immediate marriage plans, and who seeks a career or advanced degree is not necessarily making a negative statement about marriage. She is probably taking intelligent steps to ensure her own survival, success, and happiness.

        Older single women should be supported in their singleness. They need to know that it is all right to be alone; being single may be second choice, but it is not the end of the world. Yes, families are first. But not all women can be married, since in the twenty-and-over population women outnumber men in the United States by 8.6 million.

        It is not only permissible for women to be single and happy at the same time, but crucial that women of every age find resources that will ensure their happiness whatever their marital status. Helping older single women to adjust in a positive and creative way to this reality calls for insight, understanding, prayer, and freedom from prejudice in the counselor.

        If a counselor has the attitude that a woman is not available to do the Lord's work until some condition in her life changes—until she gets married, remarries, and so on—then the counseling may have an unintended debilitating effect. It is important to remember that every woman, no matter what her marital status, has an earthly mission to perform. This may or may not be in ways that we traditionally think of women serving the Lord. The outcome of any counseling should be to help her, through continual righteous living, to discern directions available to her that are consistent with the Lord's will.

        Fortunate is the young woman who received counsel and encouragement in her youth as to the importance of preparing to take care of herself—and then did. Many women have not so prepared, however, and when they find themselves suddenly widowed or divorced, they do not have the necessary skills to support themselves, let alone their children. Teenage girls who become mothers before age seventeen rarely finish high school and frequently find themselves having to rely on Church or state welfare. Many older women who are left with no husband to support them are locked into low-paying or dead-end jobs because they have acquired no marketable skills. As difficult as it may be for these women to take the time to acquire such skills, three or four years of schooling in their twenties, thirties, or forties can be a great hedge against a life of poverty or welfare dependence. The government now estimates it will cost over $135,000 to raise one child to age eighteen. The financial implications to individual, Church, and state are obvious.

        With a woman's life span now seventy-nine years, most mothers will find themselves with twenty to forty years left after their children are grown and gone. Those who find themselves with time weighing heavily on their hands after years of rearing children might be encouraged to go back to school to broaden their experiences through further education.

        Among the professionals you have to call upon, be sure you have some who can be reached in emergencies after hours. Some counseling services are available only from eight-to-five Monday through Friday. As you become familiar with the counseling resources in your community, you can build relationships with professionals you trust and who are sympathetic to the needs of Latter-day Saints.

        There are different kinds of counseling needs: medical, psychological, and spiritual. If, as you work with a woman, you find that she exhibits bizarre behavior, that together you cannot find any reason for her behavior, that her problems have a set pattern and have gone on for a long time, that she comes to you over and over and seems not to be making any progress, or that you cannot help her discern her responsibility for her own worth, value, and actions, you may wish to seek assistance at a professional level. It is important, however, that you still remain available to her for counsel.

1. Ensign 8 (May 1978): 91-93.

2. Emphasis by President Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign 8 (November 1978): 106.

3. Ensign 9 (August 1979): 23-24.

4. C. Kay Allen, Journey from Fear to Love (Denver, Colorado: Human Values Institute, 1980).

5. Spencer W. Kimball, "The Role of Righteous Women," Ensign 9 (November 1979): 103.

6. Camilla Kimball, "A Woman's Preparation," Ensign 7 (March 1977): 59.

Suggested Readings

C. Kay Allen, Journey from Fear to Love (Denver, Colorado: Human Values Institute, 1980).

Carlfred Broderick, Couples (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1979).

Sterling Ellsworth, Tale of Two Selves (Ellsworth Printing, 1978).

About the Author

Ida Smith, former director of the Women's Research Institute at Brigham Young University, holds a bachelor's degree in political science from the University of Utah. Having had many years of experience in education, business, and industry before coming to BYU, she has coordinated research projects concerning women's issues and consulted with women's organizations on the needs of women in the Church. She now serves with the BYU alumni office.

Sister Smith has spoken to over a hundred different groups between 1979 and 1983 on topics relating to women's concerns.

She has held numerous ward, stake, and regional callings, including gospel doctrine teacher, mother education teacher, counselor in a Young Women's presidency, and Special Interest stake and regional chairman