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Chapter 20 Child Abuse: Counseling the Abusive Parent - Lynn M. Jacobson
He took it and bit it to see if it was good, and then he said he was going
down to get some whiskey; said he hadn't had a drink all day. When he got out of
the shed, he put his head in again and cussed me for putting on frills and
trying to be better than him; and when I reckoned he was gone he came back and
put his head in again and told me to mind about that school because he was going
to lay for me and lick me if I didn't drop that. . . . The Judge and the widow
went to law to get the court to take me away from him and let one of them be my
guardian; but it was a new judge that had just come, and he didn't know the old
man; so he said courts mustn't interfere and separate families if they could
help it; and he'd druther not take a child away from its father. So Judge
Thatcher and the widow had to quit on the business.
—Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn
It was two o'clock when Susan finally sat down with the book she had begun
two weeks ago. Three-year-old Marie was quietly playing in her room, and Johnny
was at school. Feeling exhausted and annoyed for having so little time to
herself, Susan sighed and reopened the book to page one. In this quiet moment,
Susan was almost relaxed. But her bliss was short-lived. First there was a bang,
then a crash. Susan jumped up and ran into the dining room. Marie was sitting in
the middle of what remained of her best vase, broken into tiny pieces. Susan was
furious. She was a loving and dedicated parent, but she lost all of the inner
controls that loving parents have, and she hit Marie and did not stop hitting
her.
Later, Susan was numb and sick inside at the sight of the heavy bruising on
Marie's body.
From the time Huck Finn sought refuge on a Mississippi raft from an abusive
father to the more contemporary case of Susan and Marie, there have no doubt
been millions of child-abuse victims. Even though many of our most tender
emotions are for our children, child abuse has always existed and has now become
a serious social problem. The causes are the same today as they were for Huck
Finn, but they are now probably even more pervasive.
Because child abuse and neglect usually occur in the privacy of the home, no
one really knows how many children are affected. Child abuse must be discovered
and reported before the child can be protected, and there is general agreement
that this does not happen in most abuse incidents.
The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect estimates that approximately
one million children are abused by their parents each year. Of these children,
as many as one hundred thousand to two hundred thousand are physically abused;
sixty thousand to one hundred thousand are sexually abused, and the rest are
neglected. Each year more than two thousand children die in circumstances
suggestive of abuse or neglect. fn
Although children have always been abused and neglected, until recently the
problem was considered only in terms of individual cases—people knew that
"the fellow down the block is pretty hard on his kids" without
realizing that he had thousands of companions. Not until the "battered
child syndrome" was defined in 1962 was significant attention focused on
the problem. It ranks as one of the greatest risks to the health of children.
The problem is difficult to define and to assess and is extremely challenging to
deal with.
Definition of Neglect and Abuse
An abused child has been defined by statute as "a child whose physical
or mental health or welfare is harmed or threatened with harm by acts of the
child's parent or other person responsible for the child's welfare. " A
more workable definition for the lay counselor may be: "A child who is
repeatedly mistreated or neglected by parent or other guardian, resulting in
injury or harm."
Counseling the Abusive Parent
When counseling with abusive parents, it is important to be aware of
reporting laws. These laws vary from state to state, but almost all states have
some type of reporting law. Such laws usually require mandatory reporting of
suspected cases of child neglect and abuse to the local police or social service
office. The lay counselor should be aware of the reporting laws of his state to
assure compliance with the law. Utah law, for example, requires mandatory
reporting to the local police or Children's Protective Services by anyone,
including physicians, religious counselors, dentists, police, nurses, school
counselors and teachers, and so on, who has reason to believe that a child has
been subjected to mistreatment or abuse. The lay counselor also has a moral
responsibility to see that child abuse is reported to the appropriate agency. By
law, a person cannot be held liable for reporting in good faith a suspected case
of neglect or abuse.
The lay counselor should be able to recognize the need for professional help
and not become overly involved in complex behavior problems. His primary
obligation is to recognize the existence of the problem and take the necessary
steps to insure the safety of the children involved. In cases where a child's
health and safety are in jeopardy, the counselor should immediately contact the
local Child Protection Agency. Many child protection agencies have
twenty-four-hour hotlines.
The lay counselor can best help abusive parents by giving support and
compassion. Honoring reporting requirements is both responsible and
compassionate. It offers a chance for parents to change as well as protection
for the child. To deal with the complex, underlying causes of the abuse,
professional counselors should be contacted.
Many parents may request help in dealing with their inability to control
themselves while disciplining their children. They may admit to "going too
far" or may fear that they will not control their anger in the future. In
such instances of isolated minor abuse or fear of possible abuse, it is
important for the counselor to establish with the parents at the beginning of
counseling that he is required by law to report certain acts, but that he will
help within certain limitations. If an abusive act is reported that does require
reporting to the Child Protection Agency, the counselor should emphasize that
the agency will be supportive and helpful. Most parents fear they will lose
their children if a government agency is involved. However, every effort is made
to protect the child and to maintain the family unit. Only when a child's
immediate health and safety are at risk is the child temporarily placed outside
of his own home.
The lay counselor can usually support families who are already involved in
professional counseling or families in which neglect or abuse is only threatened
or minor.
Understanding the reasons for the abuse is critical for counselors. Often the
abuse is a reaction to problems or stresses with which the parents do not cope.
The abusive act is seldom premeditated or intentional, and abusive parents
almost always love their children. Most such parents are normal, and few are
criminals or are mentally unbalanced. Every parent, under certain circumstances,
has the potential to abuse a child.
Often the abusive behavior is not the real problem but is symptomatic of some
serious difficulty in the parents' or the family's situation.
Below are several common factors associated with child abuse, along with some
suggestions on how to counsel families affected by these factors.
Factors Related to Child Abuse
1. Immaturity. Very young, insecure parents often cannot understand
their child's behavior or needs.
2. Lack of parenting knowledge. Some parents do not know the various
stages of child development.
3. Unrealistic expectations. Parents expect their children to behave
like miniature adults.
4. Social isolation. Parents might not have family or friends to help
with the heavy demands of small children.
5. Unmet emotional needs. Parents who cannot relate well with other
adults may expect their children to satisfy their need for love, protection,
self-esteem, and so on.
6. Poor childhood experiences. Many abusive parents were mistreated
themselves as children.
7. Frequent crises. Because of financial problems, loss of employment,
legal problems, major illness, and so on, a parent may "take it out"
on the child.
8. Drug or alcohol problems. Chronic drug or alcohol abuse limits
parents' ability to properly care for their children. fn
Possible Solutions
Effective listening skills are critical to the assessment of any problem. The
counselor should let the parent present the problem without interruption other
than encouraging comments or occasional clarifying questions. This initial
description of the problem will help the counselor determine whether he should
proceed with counseling or refer the family for professional help.
The counselor should accept the parent as a troubled person who needs help
rather than labeling him as a "child abuser." However, accepting the
person does not mean the counselor accepts his behavior. He should make clear to
the parent that this is the case. He should develop a relationship with the
parent in which there is free expression and discussion of feelings without the
threat of rejection.
The counselor should help the parent deal with his specific problems. The
degree of his motivation to change is an important factor in helping him. If the
parent recognizes the existence of the problem and is reaching out for help, the
possibility of change is good. The counselor should not hesitate to use other
resources in the community, ward, or neighborhood when this can be done without
violating the confidentiality of the relationship.
With a knowledge of some of the common causes of child abuse, the counselor
should be able to design a counseling program for the family. Many parents will
benefit immensely just from having a caring person to talk with. Such support
can come from visiting teachers, home teachers, a nurse, a homemaker,
nutritional aides, relatives, or close friends.
How the counselor handles the initial request for help will in large measure
determine the effectiveness of his counseling with the family. The counselor
should reach out to the abusive parents with sympathy for them as troubled
people. Still, all counseling should first protect the child and secondly
maintain and support the family whenever possible.
Child Abuse: Counseling the Abusive Parent: Notes
1. National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, Children's Bureau,
Administration for Children, Youth, and Families; Washington, D.C.
2. What Everyone Should Know about Child Abuse, State of Utah
Department of Social Services, 150 West North Temple, Salt Lake City, Utah
84110.
Suggested Readings
Felix P. Biestek, The Casework Relationship (Chicago:
University of Chicago Press, 1957).
Vincent J. Fontana, Somewhere a Child Is Crying (New York: Macmillan
Publishing Co., 1973).
Joseph Goldstein, Anna Freud, and Albert J. Solnit, Beyond the Best
Interests of the Child (New York: Free Press, 1973).
C. Henry Kempe and Ray E. Heifer, eds., The Battered Child, 3rd ad.
(Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1980).
C. Henry Kempe and Ray E. Heifer, eds., Helping the Battered Child and His
Family (Philadelphia: J.B. Lippincott Co., 1972).
About the Author
Lynn M. Jacobson, protective services worker for the Utah Division of
Children, Youth, and Families, received his bachelor's degree from Brigham Young
University and his master of social work degree from the University of Utah. He
has worked in his present professional assignment for over twelve years.
In the Church, he has held various teaching positions.
He and his wife, Sharon, are the parents of five children.
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