In cultivating our desire and our ability to serve, we must begin with our
own hearts. Are we willing and able to be charitable? Are we willing and able to
discover what charity might demand in various situations? What does charity mean
in connection with counseling the lonely? The definition of charity gives some
excellent suggestions that might be used in counseling the lonely: "And
charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up,
seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not
in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all
things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." (Moroni 7:45.)
Your kindness and consideration may be the greatest gift you could give to a
lonely person. By recognizing that his feelings are real and normal, you can
help him create meaningful relationships by deepening and developing the one you
have with him.
Sometimes a lonely person becomes uncharitable, accusatory, and bitter about
his circumstances. This might provoke uncharitable responses in you. If so, you
would not be able to help him. For example, a lonely mother might say, "My
son makes me sick. All his life I served him, cleaned up after him, cooked for
him. I was the best mother he could have asked for. And now that I'm old and
can't get out to see him, do you think he comes to see me? Can you blame me for
hating him?" If you were to accept her attitude and by your response
support her feelings, you would be helping her carry enmity in her heart rather
than forgiveness and peace. By helping her maintain hatred, you would be
accepting her sin by sinning with her.
It is possible to concoct feelings such as loneliness and to use these
feelings to blame and accuse others. Often these accusatory feelings represent
some personal refusal to be obedient to the commandments, to love God, neighbor,
and self. A person concocting such feelings might say, "How can I love my
son? Look at how he neglects and abuses me. Obviously I am not
responsible for not loving him. It's his fault. He is responsible
for my not keeping the commandments; my suffering and loneliness are proof. If
he treated me in a way that made him lovable, I could love him, but my
loneliness is proof that he is definitely not lovable."
Such feelings might be described as pseudo-loneliness, for while the person
feels empty and angry, her attitudes are not purifying, but are a refusal to be
true to what is right. She concocts her feelings as evidence or justification.
The feelings are real but false.
The refusal to accept responsibility for one's own failure to be charitable
often provokes the counselor to refute or to accept the person's insistence that
she is not responsible for her suffering. Both reactions will only encourage the
person's negative feelings. The counselor should not accept provocation no
matter what form it takes. He should help turn the lonely person's hostile heart
to the gospel. In the above example, the woman's son may be wrong in not
visiting her, but she can seek ways, in charity, of not being part of the
problem. Her own charity will restore her personal peace. She may still be
lonely, but instead of hating her son, she will feel sorrow for him.
When our thoughts concerning the lonely are loving, we can see the lonely as
a blessing to our lives, for they bring us the opportunity to serve them and to
be served by them. But if we view the lonely in a negative way, we will not be
able to serve them. We should avoid thoughts like these: "Why can't this
person take care of his own problems? He demands so much of my time and energy,
and I don't have it to give. I feel like a heel if I don't try to help and I
feel as if he takes advantage of me if I do." Such thoughts produce a
seeming dilemma in which both alternatives are unattractive. If we look deeply
into our hearts, though, we will always find that another alternative exists—charity.
Helping the Lonely
Here are some ways to charitably help the lonely.
Help the lonely person discover the source of his loneliness.
Together,
explore the lonely person's situation. It may be helpful to ask him to spend a
certain amount of time each day pondering the meaning of his loneliness until he
has arrived at an honest understanding of his problem. This may promote
introspection that reveals the true source of the problem, a source that might
otherwise go unrecognized or misunderstood. Suppose the friend you are
counseling lives in an area where she has few friends her own age. You recommend
that she move to an area where she will be closer to people her own age, but she
refuses. She complains that she has lived where she is for many years and that a
move would be too difficult for her mentally and physically. This may be true,
but she may simply be afraid to move. She may not feel that she will be accepted
in a new place by new people. Unless she takes time to understand her feelings,
she may never realize what her real fear is and be able to improve her
circumstances.
Sometimes a person is lonely because he needs to repent but is too busy
covering his tracks to yield to the truth. By setting aside time to consider his
situation, he may slow down long enough to consider the possibility that he is
his own source of loneliness and can therefore be his own source of happiness.
By encouraging him to pray and study, you can help him understand the real
problem.
Many people do not want to know the source of their problems, although they
say they do. They do not want to know because they do not want to change. You
may sometime have heard a conversation like this one:
Betty:
Sandy, I feel crummy.
Sandy: What's wrong?
Betty: I'm so lonely. I want to get out and meet people.
Sandy: Me too. Why don't you come with me to the party we've been invited
to?
Betty: No, I don't think I want to go.
Sandy: Why not?
Betty: Because if I went, no one would pay any attention to me. I'd be
just as lonely there as I am here.
Sandy: Would you pay attention to the people at the party?
Betty: Not really. I figure if they wanted to get to know me, they would
make the effort.
What would happen if Sandy persuaded Betty to go to the party but Betty's
attitude stayed the same? Betty would stand defiantly or martyr-like alone
against the wall, her demeanor defying anyone to try to change her mind about
the cold, cruel world. Of course no one would try to get to know her. Outwardly
she might appear to have changed because she went to the party, but her real
goal of accusing the world would not have changed at all. Only her way of doing
so would be different. Betty would still be in the business of being alone, and
until she decides to see the world less accusingly, you could do little to help
her. For instance, you might say, "Betty, if you would change your
attitude, you would be so much happier." But she would reply, "I'm not
going to accept responsibility for everyone else's insensitivity. My attitude
might be bad, but whose wouldn't be if they faced rejection like I do?"
If you were to drop by for a visit, how would Betty accept it? She might see
it as a pity visit: "He just feels sorry for me. He thinks I'm a social
misfit or something." Of course, Betty might not respond in this way. In
fact, your visit might be the very thing she needs. But until she is willing to
give up her accusing attitude and see your visit for what it is, her problems
won't be solved. When people truly want to change their situations or
perspectives, they will seek to understand the source of their problems. Then
you can really work together.
You may be able to understand some things about the lonely person and his
situation that he does not. For example, a man we'll call Mark almost completely
neglects his personal hygiene. Because of his upbringing, he is totally unaware
of the problem. Mark is distressed because no one will befriend him. Although
such a situation is less subtle than many you might face, being tactfully honest
about a person's causes of loneliness could benefit him greatly.
Help the lonely person get involved in constructive activity.
Become
aware of the opportunities in your area for service to individuals, families,
schools, churches, and the community that you could recommend to the lonely.
Many people have lost themselves in service only to discover that the only thing
they have really lost is their loneliness. Service helps relieve the mind and
heart of suffering.
Whenever possible, recommend service that is related to the person's needs.
Avoid service that will cause further discomfort. For instance, it may help a
childless couple to fellowship another childless couple into Church activity.
If necessary, remind the lonely person that his service might not result in
the fulfillment of a specific desire, such as finding a spouse. Help him to
render service for its own sake, not for the rewards it might bring.
When a person is seeking a particular type of relationship, help him focus on
what he needs to do to develop it. For example, suppose a man who is widowed
with children came to you and told you that he needs to find a wife. He is
lonely for companionship and at the same time wants his children to enjoy a
mother again. But he is financially irresponsible and is deep in debt, which
frightens his marriage prospects away. He needs to learn the principles of money
management. While you might not feel qualified to teach him those principles,
you might be able to point out the problem and find someone else to teach him.
Help the person understand that when the Lord has laid a course for him it is
important that he submit to that course. You might use Job as an example to
teach this concept. Job suffered severe loneliness. He was forsaken by family,
friends, and associates. Even though he was sorely afflicted, he would not curse
God. He remained faithful and submissive to the Lord. His submission did not
change because he was miserable, nor did his misery change because he wished it
to. It did not change until he proved himself faithful.
When you can see that a person has done all he can to alleviate his
suffering, it might help to explore the idea that his suffering is necessary. So
often we hear people say, "Boy, have I been tried this week!" or
"The Lord must really be preparing me for something great to put me through
all this." The self-congratulatory attitude that sparks such statements is
not what is meant by necessary suffering. What is being suggested is comfort for
those who can learn and grow from their trials.
Help the person understand that his loneliness does not necessarily mean that
his life is unacceptable before God. Again, Job is an excellent example.
Several of Job's closest friends rebuked him in the name of God's justice for
sins that he had not committed. They eventually reaped the vengeance of God
while Job was blessed for his faithfulness.
If the lonely person thinks his loneliness is punishment for sin, discuss
that possibility. If it appears that his loneliness is a natural
consequence of wrongdoing, encourage him to repent. However, if he has an
incorrect understanding of the consequences of sin, correct his misconceptions.
For example, a woman who feels that her husband's death and her ensuing
loneliness are a result of her failure to pay tithing needs better understanding
of justice and of cause-and-effect relationships.
Encourage the lonely person to be willing to be loved. So much
loneliness can be averted if we will let people into our lives and hearts. When
we accept service, we are also serving. Encourage the lonely to reach out to
family, friends, and Church members in times of both need and rejoicing.
Don't be afraid to contact others and invite them to befriend a lonely
person. This is especially important when the person is elderly, restricted
in activity, or confined to one place. After finding out the needs of the
person, ask for help from those who might give it.
When the lonely person is living in or working in conditions that increase
their loneliness, suggest a change in surroundings. The aged generally enjoy
association with their peers just as do the middle-aged and the young. While a
move or a change of employment may seem threatening, it may do much to
revitalize a dull, dreary life. Friends and associates in the church and
community can help make such changes less frightening and more feasible.
When the person has few or no hobbies
or interests, try to arouse
interest in one or several that would lead the person to self-fulfillment and
association with others. There are many organizations, clubs, and community
and church groups based on specific interests and activities that provide the
opportunity for both a social climate and fulfilling activity.
Be consistent in your concern for the person's welfare.
Such consistency
may be the catalyst that sparks their willingness and confidence to overcome
their obstacles.
In brief, perhaps the most important thing to remember is to help the lonely,
in faith, imagine the ways out of their difficulties. Such a goal will help
diminish hopelessness and increase activity.
About the Author
Cathleen Sue Croxton, a homemaker, received her bachelor's degree in
psychology and is a candidate for a master's degree in family sciences from
Brigham Young University. She has counseled and taught courses in child
development and family relations.
She has held a number of positions in the Church, including Relief Society
counselor, Relief Society stake board member, and teacher for various teaching
organizations.
She and her husband, Brent, and their child live in Dallas, Texas.
