Think for a moment of someone you consider confident. How would you describe him? Two qualities of confident people—noted frequently by observers—are their concern for others and their unconcern for self. In a culture where there is great concern for self-fulfillment, self-gratification, self-assertiveness, self-expression, and self-worth, it is no wonder that there is a great concern for self-esteem. However, the concept may be valuable only when making observations about others. If a person talks about his own self-esteem being high, listeners may see the remark as a sign of conceit.

        Self-esteem is the value a person places on himself. We see only one possible value that can be an honest assessment: "And let every man esteem his brother as himself, and practice virtue and holiness before me." (D&C 38:24.)

        In other words, my worth and your worth is indistinguishable. It is unnecessary to measure it, for it is infinite.

        Four issues need to be considered in helping people to esteem themselves and others. First, what is our true identity? Second, what is the role of virtue and holiness—obedience—in maintaining self-esteem? Third, what do our efforts to give our best, to progress, to develop our talents and abilities, have to do with personal worth? Finally, what is the meaning of self-forgetfulness, sacrifice, and service as related to self-esteem?

        When people see themselves as inferior, they behave in ways that support their thinking. They are ineffective in achieving their goals. They are usually unhappy, perhaps even depressed. Mental comparisons with others give them evidence of their inadequacies. This "proof" of their shortcomings is often used as ammunition against those who would encourage them.

        They may also be hesitant, shy, or hostile. Often a person with low self-esteem experiences a perverse joy at the misfortunes of those they see as superior. The overriding feeling of such people is hopelessness.

        Fortunately, the gospel offers hope, but self-esteem extends beyond God's fatherhood of our spirits and his unconditional love for us. Self-esteem depends to a considerable degree on a person's ability to see himself as a productive, contributing, effective part of society. It also depends on his ability to believe that the Atonement of Christ is really valid in his behalf. This leads to the necessity of his keeping God's laws.

        Just in this brief sketch we see clues of low self-esteem:

1. A concern about how one appears to others.

2. A comparison of self with others.

3. A feeling of inadequacy.

        If you were in a position to help Jane, consider the following questions:

1. Do you see her honestly, acknowledging her as a child of God? Do you see her compassionately and esteem her as yourself?

2. How would you turn her to her beliefs? With a question? ("What do you believe the Lord would have you do, Jane?" "What promptings have come to you through prayer?" "What have you learned from this struggle?" "If you were released now, how would you grow?"

Perhaps stating your beliefs would be more helpful than asking questions. ("I'm not sure releasing you would be in your best interests." "Maybe some women do have talents you don't have, but that isn't the point." "I suppose you could be released, but we need you.")

Jane's feelings should not be ignored but should be examined in the light of faith. See what she is willing to see. Tell her what you see.

3. How would you invite her to act on her faith? ("Jane, if we ask you to teach for another eight months, what are you willing to do?" "If we release you, how will that affect others? In fact, how will it affect you?" Jane, all you can give is your best, no matter what people think.")

Such questions are meant to help Jane take responsibility, to give whatever is her best. Of course, she can discount any of these suggestions if she is insistent enough. Your responsibility is to show that faith and works will help her meet the challenges of life. Faith includes seeing her and yourself honestly and acting on that faith. You are reminding her that the "power is in [her]." (D&C 58:28.)

The foundation of these remarks is the belief that the Holy Ghost prompts the spirit of man to good acts. The human conscience also motivates to good works. And when man chooses to do right, he follows his inborn ability to act like his Father in Heaven.

    When we give our best—whatever that is—it will include faith and obedience to the gospel, and some different attitudes will be evident in our lives than when we had "low self-esteem":

1. We will be concerned about our tasks and responsibilities but not about always winning the approval of others.

2. We will be concerned with giving our best and not with comparing our worth to the worth of others.

3. We will learn from our mistakes and see where we can improve.

        In short, all of us are blessed with gifts or talents. All of us who are capable of worrying about self-esteem are capable of self-improvement and spiritual growth. Such growth comes through self-forgetfulness.

        Moses enjoyed great power in the courts of the Pharaoh, but after his vision, he remarked, "Now . . . I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed." (Moses 1:10.) Such an attitude is not low self-esteem, but is humility before the glory of God. Moses also testified that because he saw the glory of God, he could discern the darkness of Satan when he came tempting Moses to worship him. Moses also recorded God's purpose for mankind: "For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39.)

        God's concern is us, not himself. The purpose of Moses' vision was to bless Moses. God did not show his greatness for any vain purpose.

        So also, in our conduct on earth, we are most blessed when we help and enrich others. If Jane is to be blessed by her Church calling, her talents, or her weaknesses, she must give up her inordinate concern about them and simply serve with all her faith and ability. Humility is a blessing. Feelings of inferiority are not. In rendering honest service, she could stop worrying about herself.

        Since the world emphasizes the importance of the self, in one sense self-forgetfulness is an "overcoming" or a "coming out of the world. Service given freely is, ultimately, no sacrifice at all, but this is learned only through service freely given. Then and only then will such experience teach us and be for our good. (See D&C 122.)

        Your greatest help to a child in this situation is your unbridled compassion for them. You must see that they are of worth, that they need not be miserable, that their capacities for accomplishment and peace are intact. No matter what might have been done to them, they have not lost the power to be fully human. They can be free, even of the sins of their parents against them.

        You will not help children by telling them these things, however. You will help them by being an example of love and truth. Fortunately, most parents are not constantly negative with their children. Most children have been treated both properly and improperly. They have been exposed to both light and darkness. Therefore, they feel inadequate only in certain situations. Still, you can provide additional light.

        Children's sense of self-worth is fostered when they:

1. are talked with, not down to.

2. are asked to help someone else.

3. are appreciated for their efforts, their willingness to try.

4. care for plants, animals, and others.

5. help look for something that is lost.

6. are taught boundaries and limits.

7. are taught with love rather than harshness.

8. have adults share their wonder, fears, sorrows.

9. learn—anything.

10. are taught how to solve a problem, accomplish a task, or see how something works.

11. are included in new experiences.

12. are treated as capable people.

        Suddenly, his "feelings of inadequacy" were no longer the issue. In behaving responsibly, he no longer used such feelings to avoid responsibility. With older children and adults, the general principle is not to try to move them from low self-esteem to high self-esteem, but to move them to the point that worry about personal esteem is seen as a vain, foolish, and irresponsible activity. Self-forgetfulness, effort, commitment and courage are at stake. Here are some examples of ways accountable people with inferiority feelings might give up those feelings:

        Inferiority feeling: A student is embarrassed because he is in the ninth grade and can't read.

        Responsible action: The student should learn to read. He could do this by getting help from his parents and teachers and by practicing reading each day.

        Inferiority feeling: A businessman feels that nobody at work appreciates him.

        Responsible action: He should examine his own commitment to do his best. He should strive to be of service to those at work.

        Inferiority feeling: A woman feels inadequate as she sees that her children do not "measure up" to her neighbor's children.

        Responsible action: She should teach her children that whatever their best is, is good enough. She should teach them what she believes is right.

        Inferiority feeling: A young mother is depressed because she quit taking music lessons as a teenager and now aches when she hears her old college roommates play inspiring piano pieces.

        Responsible action: She should either resume learning to play the piano or learn to rejoice in the talents of her old roommates—perhaps both, if she feels these are the right things for her to do.

        Inferiority feeling: Dan is not confident around those who receive the more "prominent" Church callings, and he is unhappy in his position as cubmaster.

        Responsible action: Dan should yield his heart to the boys he is serving. He should pray for knowledge of how to help them and should lose himself in their service.

        Inferiority feeling: A new husband feels shut out of his father-in-law's hunting and camping activities.

        Responsible action: He might talk with his father-in-law about his feelings. He might also try harder to build a close relationship with his father-in-law, not because he believes this will make his father-in-law want to include him more in his activities, but because he believes it is right to be a good son-in-law.

Self-Esteem Note