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R. Lanier Britsch and Terrance
D. Olson, eds., Counseling: A Guide to Helping Others, 2 vols. [Salt Lake
City: Deseret Book Co., 1983-1985], Volume 2 © 2001, Deseret Book, GospeLink
2001, Used by permission
12 Intimacy
Christopher M. Wallace
Troubled couples often feel that it is impossible for them ever to
"become one." It isn't realistic, they've decided. The ideal of
intimacy is often criticized by those who argue that such "idealistic"
thinking burdens with guilt or despair those who are struggling with
"reality." But when ideals are discarded or discounted in the name of
being realistic, the visions of what relationships between a husband and wife
could be are eclipsed. Where there is no vision, people (and marriages) perish.
Faith and hope are the foundation of our ideals, of what we consider
possible. The way humans hold ideals is what makes reality possible. Intimacy,
the ideal relationship, is obtainable and real, but it rests on the willingness
of a husband and wife to see that possibility.
What Is Intimacy?
An intimate relationship includes closeness, confidence, familiarity, and
trust. In marriage, it is an ideal relationship sought by a husband and wife. It
is a relationship that has much to do with a couple's spirituality,
authenticity, and obedience. It reveals and bonds the deepest feelings of their
hearts. Intimacy is a relationship that a husband and a wife actively work out together.
The Lord spoke to Joseph Smith on the subject of togetherness: "And
again, verily I say unto you, that . . . marriage is ordained of God unto
man." (D&C 49:15.) It is not without reason that the Lord stated that
the only way a man and a woman should live together in a sexual relationship is
within the bounds of marriage. God has set boundaries that will result in an
intimate relationship if couples will stay within these boundaries. Marriage is
merely an outward ordinance or exercise that reveals the nature of inward mutual
commitments. Intimacy symbolizes commitment to one's spouse and to the whole
marital relationship. Certainly neither a marriage ceremony nor a marriage
certificate binds a man and a woman together; rather, it is their individual
commitments to each other, to their parents, and to any children that they might
bring into this world that binds them together. This means that intimacy cannot
be fully understood outside the context of love over time, of commitment, of
responsibility, of sacrifice, and of family relationships across generations.
From the beginning, God has spoken of intimacy in marriage in terms of
oneness. He said to Adam and Eve, "Therefore shall a man leave his father
and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
(Genesis 2:24.) God pronounced this commandment and his other creations as
"very good." (Genesis 1:31.) The phrase 'one flesh' has meanings on at
least two levels, physical and spiritual. President Spencer W. Kimball noted
this when he said, "The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting
it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself
implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the
propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love
between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the
first man and woman to be one flesh was as important as his command to 'be
fruitful and multiply."' (Ensign, May, 1974, pp. 7-8; italics
added.)
This idea of working to attain oneness is analogous to the concept of
becoming a soul, where a soul is oneness of flesh and spirit, where the flesh
willingly complies to or is submissive to the spirit. As individuals are
perfected through faith, repentance, forgiveness, service, and love, oneness is
obtained through a wedding of flesh and spirit. This pattern cannot be discarded
by couples seeking intimacy. As both individuals in the marriage strive to
become like Christ by giving their hearts to each other in faith and love, they
become one as a couple.
The Lord has counseled husbands on marriage and intimacy, commanding,
"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and
none else." (D&C 42:22.) The Lord commands husbands to do four things
in this verse. First, they are commanded to love their wives; not to just
like, nor to merely be a friend, but to love their wives in the same spirit and
willingness as they would love their God. Secondly, husbands are commanded to
love their wives with all their hearts not 80 percent or even 95 percent,
but with 100 percent of their hearts. This may also mean that this loving is to
be undertaken all the time. Thirdly, they are commanded to cleave unto
their wives, to adhere closely to their wives in times of trouble, to love them
when they are seemingly hardest to love. And, fourth, adding much to the initial
three, the Lord commands husbands to cleave to none else, not to their
mothers or fathers or friends, but only to their wives.
When a husband or a wife has a problem, a challenge, or a joyful experience,
to whom should they go for help, for wisdom, or to share? It may very well be
that when husbands and wives turn to each other to face problems and challenges,
they will learn about how to love and become godlike in ways that cannot be
learned by solving problems with people other than one's spouse. Joseph F. Smith
addressed this idea when he said, "The lawful association of the sexes is
ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the
development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which
love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure." (Improvement
Era, June 1917, p. 739.)
This does not mean that a wife or a husband cannot seek wisdom and learning
from others; only that when husbands or wives seek answers to their problems only
from others, these couples do themselves a disservice.
Intimacy or oneness has three inseparable and interconnected parts: one
flesh, one heart, and one mind. Moroni wrote about faith, hope, and charity and
their relationship. (See Moroni 10.) He wrote that followers of Christ needed
each virtue to be saved in the kingdom of God and that they couldn't develop one
without concurrently developing the other two. That is, in order to have faith,
they must also have hope and charity. Furthermore, the degree to which a man or
a woman has charity will be directly proportional to the degree of faith and
hope they have obtained. In similar manner, a husband and wife can be of one
heart only as much as they are of one mind and of one flesh. Or, they can be of
one flesh only as much as they are of one mind and of one heart. It is
interesting that all the virtues that could be listed that a husband and a wife
need to develop to be of one flesh (fidelity, sacrifice, respect, love,
patience, and so on) are the same godly virtues needed to become of one heart or
one mind.
How Is Intimacy Achieved?
While intimacy is not a physical act, physical actions may be expressions of
intimacy. For example, sexual intercourse is but one way that intimacy can be
expressed physically, and other ways include a hug, verbal support, disclosure
of personal commitment, a smile, or the shedding of a tear in sorrow or joy.
While the physical expressions of intimacy may have much to do with becoming one
flesh, sexual intercourse is, ultimately, more an expression of
"psychology" than physiology. That is, the physical pleasure quickly
fades, but feelings of closeness, trust, and intimacy are enduring. Moreover, it
seems that intimacy is the by-product of obedient, virtuous marital
relationships. This is a major reason why becoming one flesh will be
accomplished in the same manner as becoming one heart and one mind. The
spiritual dimension of intimacy transcends all others.
When God commands us, it is possible to obey with his help. (See 1 Nephi 3:7
and Moses 1:10.) If he commands us to develop godlike appetites and passions
rather than carnal, sensual, and devilish appetites and passions, it will be
possible. (See 2 Nephi 2:25-28 and Mosiah 3:19.) So the possibility of attaining
oneness is real. It means becoming one in body and spirit; it means keeping
appetites, behaviors, thoughts, and passions within the bounds that God has
commanded.
Until a husband and wife are willing to take such a possibility seriously,
there will be no escape from their lack of intimacy. When they spurn the
possibility of the ideal, they remain helpless in the less-than-ideal world they
insist on living in. Is intimacy possible? If so, where, or in whom, does
intimacy begin? It begins in the heart of each individual working and striving
toward individual perfection. Such individuals invite their mates to follow.
This is the principle of "light cleaving unto light." (See D&C
88:40.)
What about Couples Who Have Problems?
How can these ideas be relevant to a man whose wife is constantly critical,
or to a woman whose husband avoids giving her affection? Such circumstances do
not come because the ideal is unobtainable, but because at least one of the
individuals has abandoned the pursuit of that ideal. One indication of an
individual's abandonment will be his insistence that it is his wife's fault that
intimacy is lacking or nonexistent in their relationship.
Where only one spouse, wife or husband, is earnestly striving to be
Christlike, oneness cannot be attained. Oneness must be actively worked out
together. For instance, a husband and wife will not be able to be intimate when
she is domineering, when he is hard-hearted, or when both are selfish. No matter
how much energy they expend, the couple will not have intimacy unless each
begins working to change. Of course, a criticized husband could have gained such
virtues as long-suffering, meekness, and love unfeigned; a neglected wife could
have gained compassion and charity. People in emotionally or physically distant
marriages must focus first on their own attitudes and behaviors, not on their
partners', if they are to pursue intimacy.
How You Can Help
If you want to help a couple who is troubled by the absence of intimacy in
their marriage, then you can teach them the meaning of intimacy (teach correct
principles), show them the difference between how the world sees intimacy and
what God offers us concerning intimacy (offer them the ideal), and question them
about their own attitudes and behaviors regarding the possibility of intimacy in
their own relationship (invite them to act on correct principles).
Imagine a husband and a wife coming to you, each complaining that the other
is emotionally distant. You ask questions to clarify your understanding of their
relationship in terms of intimacy. You might ask about the strength of their
commitments to their relationship, about being faithful and trusting, about
their willingness to repent or forgive, and so on. That is, you invite them to
ponder their own commitments and behaviors. Are they willing to acknowledge the
possibility of becoming intimate? Are they willing to seek such closeness? What
are they willing to do to achieve intimacy?
Only through their individual commitments to be willing to do what is
necessary to become intimate can they begin to see each other honestly enough to
help them solve their problems and develop intimacy. Your questioning will
reveal the symptoms that express their lack of oneness. You can then teach the
three facets of intimacy: one flesh, one heart, and one mind.
A bishop shared with me certain tasks that he assigns to couples that have
problems concerning intimacy. After he has assessed that the problem is a
relationship problem and not a medical one, he instructs the couple to read and
discuss together a list of specific scriptures. (On occasion, your questioning
will reveal that a sexual problem might be physical. In order to confirm this
hypothesis, you will need to refer the couple to a competent physician [a
gynecologist for the wife and a urologist for the husband]. Even when surgical
procedures are necessary to correct the problems, you may still be in a position
to help this couple grow in intimacy.) After they have read the scriptures, he
asks them to examine their individual behaviors and attitudes in the spirit of
the scriptures to ascertain how each personally adds to or detracts from their
intimacy. Their final task is to write a letter (which is not mailed) to their
parents, whether living or dead, sharing what they have learned about how it is
possible to achieve intimacy in marriage.
I asked this bishop what results he obtained; he said the following case is
typical. Jim and Barbara had come to him complaining about some problems in
their sexual relationship. Infrequency and a lack of interest were Jim's
accusations of his wife. Barbara countered by complaining about Jim's
insensitivity, his begging to have sex, his never appreciating that she is
exhausted after a long day with their four preschool-age children.
The bishop said he felt that any counsel he might have given at this time
would not be readily received. His initial questions and suggestions had been
met with, "Yes, but she never initiates anything sexual," or "Oh,
I've tried everything. You don't know what it's like to live with a man like
that!" So the bishop gave them his assignment. This is a partial list of
the scriptures he handed them:
Genesis 1:27-28, 31; 2:24
Matthew 22:37-39
1 Corinthians 7:3-4
Ephesians 5:21-33
Titus 2:4-5
Doctrine and Covenants 25; 29:34-35; 42:22-24, 29; 64:8-10; 121:33-46
Moses 5:2-5
After the couple had pondered the verses and written their letters, they
again met with the bishop. Here is an excerpt from Jim's letter:
What I've learned the most from these last two days is that I've never really
believed that the gospel had answers to our problems. Moroni speaks of faith,
hope, and charity. He said that we must have each quality to be saved and that
we couldn't have any one without the others.
So if Barbara and I want to be of one heart, we have to be of one mind and
one flesh also. Lately, we've been having more and more fights, and I have been
blaming Barbara. As you know, the doctor told us that if Barb got pregnant
again, it would probably kill her because of the blood clots. Well, for the last
two years we have not had sex unless I begged. And I resented the doctor giving
Barb all the power in our sexual relationship. But when I read Paul's counsel
about our bodies, I realized that I have been seeking my own gratification.
Well, I went to Barbara to apologize, and one week later she came to me and told
me that she would like to have another baby. I've got to think about that. I
sure don't want to lose her.
Barbara wrote this:
I am so excited. Jim and I have been talking with the bishop, and he told us
to read some scriptures and discuss them prayerfully and faithfully. I was so
mad when the bishop asked us if we were having problems in our sexual
relationship. The last thing I wanted to hear was some man telling me to submit
to my husband. But the bishop didn't do that. He asked me if I was giving my
heart (not my body) totally to Jim. Well, that night we were reading in the New
Testament when it hit me that I've been using the blood clots as a way to blame
Jim for our problems. I've wept bitter tears for the loneliness I have served
myself. I never thought of myself as selfish, but I sure have been. We also
talked about what it means to have God command us to have sex. We learned that
we are of one flesh only as much as we are of one mind and one heart. When I
accused Jim of never being willing to just hold me without always wanting to
have sex, it was my way of avoiding sex. I've finally figured out that being one
flesh is mostly spiritual, and that sex is only a physical expression of our
closeness.
This couple discovered much about intimacy because they didn't give up on the
idea. Often couples are unwilling to consider that real solutions to their lack
of intimacy lie in the gospel. For the most part, those who are helped are the
ones who return to the simple truths of the gospel. These people do not feel
that the Church or those in authority are burdening them when they ask them to
work toward becoming of one heart, one mind, and one flesh. They are willing to
bring their ideals to bear upon reality.
What Keeps People from Becoming Intimate?
In these latter days, many have sought intimacy through spurious avenues.
Some have sought oneness outside the bonds of marriage. Elder Boyd K. Packer has
noted, "However much they hope to find in a relationship of that kind, they
will lose more. Living together without marriage destroys something inside all
who participate. Virtue, self-esteem, and refinement of character wither away.
Claiming that it will not happen does not prevent the loss; and these virtues,
once lost, are not easily reclaimed. To suppose that one day they may
nonchalantly change their habits and immediately claim all that might have been
theirs had they not made a mockery of marriage is to suppose something that will
not be." (Ensign, May 1981, p. 13.)
Others are seeking intimacy but have confused it with sexual gratification.
Yet others strive for oneness without seeking to develop in their relationship
the principles the Lord admonishes his people to found their family lives upon.
(See, for example, D&C 121:33-46.) Certainly such principles as honesty,
respect, modesty, sacrifice, compassion, fidelity, commitment, forgiveness, and
cooperation, to name a few, are essential for quality marital (and family)
relationships. If even one of these principles is lacking, honesty, for example,
the quality of every other principle is affected—changed. For dishonesty
replaces honesty, and where there is dishonesty, respect, loyalty,
understanding, and so on begin to erode away and are replaced by other less than
ideal foundations. What does all this mean? What would marriage be without
virtues? Is intimacy possible without commitment or compassion? When the quality
of the principles and virtues is poor, the quality of the whole relationship
will be poor.
How wise is it for a woman to marry a man who tells her that he would like to
marry her, but who will commit himself fully only after an evaluation of the
first five years of marriage? What problems are evidenced in marriages where
commitment is less than total on the part of one or both partners? When
commitment falters, intimacy will quickly flee. Evidence of waning commitment
may surface in their communication, their sexual relationship, or their
childrens' behavior. What is the solution if a spouse has not committed himself
to such virtues as honesty, fidelity, trust, justice, forgiveness, repentance,
and sacrifice? When either or both spouses withhold themselves from nourishing,
protecting, or caring for their intimate relationship, what can be done to solve
the problem?
Deal with Causes, Not Symptoms
It is by working with causes, not symptoms, that you can best help couples.
When symptoms are the only issues dealt with, Band-Aids are applied and the more
fundamental problems are evidenced in other areas of the couples' relationships.
This is not unlike dealing with the symptom of tobacco-stained teeth by using
tooth-whitening toothpaste. Such an approach assumes in advance that smokers are
either unwilling or unable to give up smoking. The Lord said, "Wherefore,
men are free according to the flesh. . . . And they are free to choose liberty .
. . or to choose captivity." (2 Nephi 2:27.) Likewise, problems of intimacy
are more an exercise of agency, not the result of incompatabilities. They are
the result of selfishness and hardheartedness. The point is not that couples
cannot achieve intimacy, but that they will not. They will find it
impossible to become intimate precisely because they require changes in their
spouse rather than attitudinal changes in themselves. One client said he could
love his wife if she could just keep a pitcher of orange juice in the
refrigerator. The counselor told this husband, "I can get your wife to keep
the juice in the refrigerator and you will have your reward, but don't think it
will be intimacy—it will be cold orange juice." When a husband or a wife
falsely insists that intimacy depends more on their spouse's behavior than on
their own commitments to their spouse, they will fail to achieve intimacy.
Asking couples the following questions will help you understand the
fundamental issues pertinent to their problems:
1. Without worrying about what your spouse might do, what are you willing to
do to become intimate?
2. If you were to give your heart and mind to your spouse, what would you do
to develop intimacy?
3. If you were to see your spouse in a way that did not blame him (or her)
for the lack of intimacy, what would you then see and feel about your
responsibility to become intimate?
4. Explain what you understand about having to repent of your hostile
feelings toward your spouse (instead of insisting that your hostility is because
of your spouse).
5. Explain how you see your responsibility to promote intimacy. What would it
mean to forgive your spouse of any of his (or her) offenses against you?
6. Imagine that you are becoming the best possible spouse a person could
have. What virtues, qualities, and habits do you have as you see yourself as
this better spouse? Now, what would you have to do to begin this
self-improvement?
7. If your spouse is unwilling to make the first step, what are you willing
to do?
Suggested Readings
Mosiah 3:19; 5:2
Alma 5
Moroni 7
James 1:19-20
John 3:1 9-20
Luke 17:1-5
D&C 64:8-10
About the Author
Christopher M. Wallace studied at Sarah Lawrence College and Brigham Young
University. He has been curriculum director of a multistate project that teaches
family life and ethics in the public schools. He is completing doctoral studies
in marriage and family therapy. In the Church, he has served as a Sunday School
teacher and in a bishopric. He and his wife, Debbie, are the parents of three
children.
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