I hope that you are intrigued by the title of this presentation. During this hour I plan to respond to the following questions: What is the relationship between therapy and becoming free, between the Gospel and becoming free? Even though agency and freedom are often used synonymously, hoar are they different? Do most of us and our clients regularly deny ourselves of agency and, if so, How? I will discuss and demonstrate in workshop style three therapeutic activities that will help us and our clients to stop giving up our agency and help us to progressively become more and more free. A big order? Yes, but let's see what we can do with these issues.    

     As I have thought of becoming free as it pertains to therapy, it seems to me, and perhaps to many or even all of you, that the common objective of all therapy is to help people become more free. For example, the purpose of catharsis is to free one of the destructive emotions of past experiences; the purpose of cognitive reframing is to enable the individual to think, speak and at differently and to free one from a destructive way of defining and thinking about self and life's experiences; the purpose of assignments is to enable a person to learn to behave freely in a more constructive way. In group therapy, learning that one's feelings, thoughts, and experiences are not totally different from those of others is to free one from the burden of being alone in their problem. And so on. If any of you can think of any therapeutic activity that is not designed to increase the freedom of the client, I would appreciate your sharing that with me.

    Also, is not the primary purpose of the Gospel to make us free? For example, the purpose of the Savior's atonement is to free us, upon our repentance, of the negative consequences of our sins and to free us from an eternal separation of body and spirit, death, through the resurrection. The great principles of faith and love are designed to free us from the bane of fear, e.g., Moroni's statement, "...perfect love casteth out all fear." (Moroni 8:16). The principle of forgiveness is to free us from an unhealthy focus, free us from being bound negatively to someone whom we construe as having offended us. Similarly, I believe every principle of the Gospel is given to us to make us more free. The Savior stated, "If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8: 31-32,) Thus we see that one common purpose of therapy and the Gospel is to make us free. Since as I have already stated, all therapy is designed to increase freedom, it may be difficult to offer something either new or meaningful to you. However, I'll share three therapeutic activities that hopefully you will find addictive and helpful. The focus of the first two will be the words we use to deny ourselves of our agency and abridge our freedom. The third will be a meditation to help us both learn and implant "feeling" ideas within us.

    Before introducing the first activity, however, I want to differentiate between agency and freedom. Typically these words are used synonymously. I think it is important that we differentiate between them rather carefully to avoid unclear and, at best, non-helpful thinking. I define agency as the capacity to choose between two or more alternatives, a capacity given to us by Our Heavenly Father, and one that in reality can not be taken from us by others. As President David O. McKay stated, "Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine give to every normal being."  (Gospel Ideals, p. 299) Please note the choice of words, to "every normal being." Webster adds another defining thought that I like, "The capacity of exerting power." (Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, 1986, p. 63) So I see agency as a characteristic common to all of us, and to an equal degree. It is fixed, unchanging characteristic that we possess.

    On the other hand, freedom refers to the range of alternatives that we have to choose from and the ease with which we can choose. While wall of us have the common capacity to choose between two or more alternatives, the number of alternatives and the ease with which we can choose anyone of them defines our degree of freedom. Thus freedom, in contrast to the fixed concept of agency, is very variable. On most any dimension that we can think of, we all have different degrees of freedom, that is a varying number of alternatives to choose from and different degrees of ease in making choices. For instance, while an alcoholic, a thief, or any person steeped in a given behavior, still has his agency (for simplification of expression the term, agency is used throughout this presentation in the generic sense to refer to male and/or female) at any point in life to start a different course, the ease with which he can choose and alternative that is non-alcoholic/non-theft, etc. and the number of his alternatives to choose from is typically severely limited, in contrast to someone not possessing one of those habits. Or, for another example, how many of you are free to come up now and play a solo on the piano? You, of course have agency to do so, but unless you have the talent, have practiced and developed your skills, etc., you are not really free to do that. While we don't need to do anything to have the give of agency, our freedom is determined by the sphere in which we live, our talents, parental and significant other environments, and our own choices, among other factors. Hence, we all have different degrees of freedom or most any dimension that we would select--one of the major reasons it behooves us not to try to judge others by our own wisdom and understanding.  

    Having hopefully established that these two concepts are in fact significantly different, let us proceed to the first activity, Accurately Choosing Words of Possibility Rather than Erroneously Using Verbs of Impossibility. Since I believe that we learn best from our own experience, the remainder of this presentation will primarily follow a workshop format.  

    Which of the following statements conform to reality and hence are true?

I can't help myself.
I can't wear black.
I can't stand heights.
I can't stand rock music.
I can't go without eight hours sleep each night.
I can't stop my bad habit.
I can't stand up for myself.
I can't stand to miss an AMCAP Convention.
I can't stay any longer.
I can't jump off a ten-story building without being hurt.

(Most of these slave statements are from Briggs, Dorothy C. Celebrate Yourself, 1977, pp. 51-53.)  

    Of course, only the last one is really a true statement, and yet most of us have, or still are using statements like those. Are we giving up our agency and thereby reducing our development and sense of freedom when we use can't inappropriately? Story of famed pianist and admirer. What would happen to our sense of freedom if we only used can't accurately? Sydney Harris, the noted columnist, has stated, "An educated man is an individual who understands the implications of his beliefs." 

    The next activity is "Want To vs. Have to." In a moment I would like you to close your eyes and while I give you a statement, do the following: (1) try to accept the statement as being true for you--if you just can't, don't worry about it, you results will be different than those of the others, but we can handle that; (2) let the statement go through your mind several times during the allotted time, and ponder on it; (3) notice carefully the feeling/feelings generated within you as you ponder the statement. There will be a tendency  on the part of some of you to want to change the statement to better fit your thinking. While you may do that, I encourage you not to, so that your results will be more similar to your colleagues. I will give you five statements. They will be identical, except that the verb will be different in each. To help insure that you get the statement as given, I will give each statement twice. For pondering time, I will pause for about 15 seconds after the second time. We will discuss what happened and a rationale for why when we are done. Any questions?

    The first statement is "I have to be a good Latter-day Saint." "I have to be a good Latter-day Saint." 2. "I must be a good Latter-day Saint." "I must be a good Latter-day Saint." 3. "I want to be a good Latter-day Saint." "I want to be a good Latter-day Saint." 4. "I am learning how to be a good Latter-day Saint." "I am learning how to be a good Latter-day Saint." 5. "I usually am a good Latter-day Saint." "I usually am a good Latter-day Saint." With your eyes still closed, I will repeat just the different verbs to allow you to recapture, or capture, the feeling or feelings associated with each of them. When you have done that, just open your eyes, and we will proceed.

    What feeling or feelings did you have with the first verb, have to? .... With must? ... With want to? ... With learning how to? ... With usually am? What type of feelings were generated by have to and must? What type by want to, etc? The feelings you have experienced are consistent with those of several thousand people that I have taken through this same activity. As long as people follow the given instructions and have the more typical and common definition of each of these verbs, the results are consistent from one person to another. For have to and must, the most common feelings are first, one of pressure, stress, anxiety, from mild to panic; the second is one of resistance or rebellion, such as "I don't either have to, and further more...;" the third most common feeling, but not experienced nearly as frequently as the other two is one of helplessness or hopelessness. That is, I have tried and tried, and I can't, and if I have to I might as well give up. While I have not ordered the the feelings for the other verbs in terms of frequency, since it has not been as easy to do so, those experienced most commonly are ones of desire, "let me at it," peace, hope, confidence, joy, etc., or all positive feelings as contrasted to the negative feelings generated by "Have to," and "Must." You will note that I purposefully had you say, "I have to," "I must," rather than "You have to," or "You must," to demonstrate that for all practical purposes the results of intrapersonal communication, or self-talk, are the same as those for interpersonal talk. Further, you have well noted the power of words to generate feelings-- not something really new to you as therapists.  Since words are conditioned cues for both emotional and behavioral responses, they really should generate them --- as we have just experienced how they generate feelings. This suggests the importance of monitoring our thoughts as King Benjamin counseled us to do (Mosiah 4:30). Recall that he placed our thoughts first, prior to our words and deeds, of the things that we needed to monitor in order that we might not perish. What we tell ourselves is critical in terms of how we feel, but we often forget or disregard that and don't use that knowledge to our advantage. What if we spoke to others about themselves as we do to our own selves? What would it do to our friendships, our other relationships?

    The question then arises, why do people consistently generate negative feelings in response to "Have to" and "Must?" 

    Ok, these words violate an eternal principle, that of agency. We fought a war in heaven so that we would not have to do anything that we did not choose to do. Whenever we violate a correct principle, there will always be negative consequences--even if we don't know we are violating it. For example, we don't need to know the stove is hot in order to get burned when we touch it. Of course, if we know it is hot and still touch it, there will be at least two negative consequences. 

    Further, we are created in the image of Whom? Yes, in the image of Our Heavenly Father and Mother. Since Our Heavenly Father gave us our agency and is so concerned about it as mentioned in many scriptures, do you believe that it is His nature to be free Yes! I do, too. Since our eternal nature is the same as His, then our eternal nature is to be free. We have all kinds of observational evidence to support this. Recall what has recently happened in Eastern Europe and Russia. A people will not be held in bondage when they gain the courage and strength to be free. What is happening in China, and will continue to happen until genuine freedom is achieved? Or, if one spouse dominates the other? Or, if parents dominate their children? What happens as soon as the dominated spouse or children gain the courage and strength to rebel against that domination? We have all witnessed many times that they kick over the traces and exercise freedom, often unwisely. Any time we violate our eternal nature, whether wittingly or unwittingly, there will be negative consequences. Hence, two reasons for experiencing negative feelings from have to and must.

    Further, tell me one or two things that you had to do today, anyone of you. Ok, you had to do ______, if what? Ok, another have to for today. Alright, you had to ___________, if what? While we could take many more illustrations, the results would be the same. That is, for these irrational-untrue havetos, musts and gottos, there is always a "want" underlying them. For example, we don't have to do anything unless we want certain results. Yes, there are consequences to our actions, and there are lawful have tos and musts. If we desire certain consequences, we have to do certain things. Accordingly, have to, must, got to, etc. are correctly used when we say or recognize that we want certain consequences, so we have to do certain things. When we act just on the basis of it feels good, or gratification of desires for pleasure, without consideration of our knowledge of consequences, we are saying that it is permissible at times to ignore knowledge and facts to indulge pleasurable desires. In the process we weaken our character and lose self-esteem. It is also well to remember that "duty often precedes delight," but also that often we are doing what we are because we want to develop desire / delight. But, since "want to" elicits positive, motivating feelings and have to elicits negative, resistive feelings, why don't we just use want to and experience more happiness and accomplishment? I suggest that like ourselves, many spouses and children resist counsel, assignments, etc. because of the unwise pressure put upon them by the use of these "pressure," "agency, eternal nature and reality denying" words. 

    What are some additional consequences of using these slave words? It is true that we cannot really accomplish anything of worth without effort--unless by accident or reflex. For example we cannot write a single word without exerting at least some pressure on our writing instrument. Now take your pen or pencil and hold it tightly so that your finger nails turn white. That, of course, is much more pressure than is necessary to write. That happens to the quality of your writing with tat much pressure---as compared to optimal pressure? Does it go up or down? Ok, it decreases. What happens to the quantity of your writing? Obviously, it very significantly decreases? What happens to your enjoyment of writing? Of course, it also decreases. SO we see that when we have more pressure than is needed to accomplish the task at hand, as is the case when we club ourselves with "have to" or 'must," the quality, quantity and enjoyment of our tasks decreases. 

    Who then, wants us to live by these slave words? Of course, it is the adversary. He has two major goals for us, (1) to keep us from achieving our potential, and (2) to have us be miserable in the process. If he can just get us to live by "have to," "must," etc. he will achieve his objective. You will note that he hasn't really changed his plan for accomplishing his objective, that is taking away our agency, he has just taught us how to deny from ourselves our own agency. It is a much more subtle approach and a marvelous one to achieve his objective for us-- and one that we have largely accepted, hook line and singer. 

    While the adversary's plan is one of compulsion and agency-denying, the Savior's plan is one of desire. Note carefully His words, "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden."  (John 14: 15). "If ye have desires to serve God, ye are called to the work." (D & C. 4:3) "Verily, verily I say unto you, even as you desire of me, so shall it be unto you, and if you desire, ye shall be the means of doing much good in this generation." (D & C 6:8) and 11:8) As we study the Savior's approach, we note that it is one of desire and come unto Me, "Come unto Christ." Any compulsion that we may experience in the Church is not in harmony with the Gospel, not of Christ. As President Kimball stated "There is no compulsion in any part of the gospel." (Conference Report, 4/82:125) Or, In the words of Elder James E. Faust, "Nothing is mandatory in this church, Free agency is a cardinal principle of obedience. Obedience comes from love of God and commitment to His work."  (The Ensign, 11:85:8-9)

    Also note this statement of President Brigham Young:

Do not do, unless you want to ... Do not pay tithing, unless you want to; do not help to build up the temple unless you want to; do not put forth your hands to one day's work, unless you want o; do not put forth your hands to build the seventies' hall, unless you want to. If you grudgingly put fort your means to help to gather the Saints it will be a curse to you; it will mildew, and every effort you make will wither in your possession. If you do not wish to help, let it alone ... (Journal of Discourses, 8:355)

    Strong counsel!

    Further, please note what President Gordon B. Hinckley stated in the Regional Representatives Seminar 6 April, 1984, wherein Temple activity, among other Church activities, was stressed. Apparently, this came about because of the practice, somewhat common in the past, of some Bishops and other Priesthood leaders settings goals for Ward members:

    There is much more to be achieved than statistical improvement.
    Such improvement is, of course, desirable, and must be worked for. But, more importantly, we should be concerned with the spiritual dimension of our people and the enlargement of this dimension. There is a tendency in all of us to ask for better statistical performance. There is a tendency to impose quotas, behind which usually lies the imposition of pressure to achieve improved statistics. In the work of the Lord there is more appropriate motivation than pressure. There is the motivation that comes from true conversion. 
   When there throbs in the heart of an individual Latter-day Saint a great and vital testimony of the truth of this work, he will be found doing his duty in the Church. He will be found in his sacrament meetings. He will be found in his priesthood meetings. He will be found paying his honest tithes and offerings. He will be doing his home teaching. He will be found in attendance at the temple as frequently as his circumstances will permit. He will have within him a great desire to share the gospel with others. He will be found strengthening and lifting his brethren and sisters. It is conversion that makes the difference...
   In all that we do we must cultivate faith. Increases faith is the touchstone of improved church performance.
   People should go to the temple for the right reason, and that reason comes of conversion to the gospel and an acceptance of their responsibility to assist our Father in Heaven in bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of his sons and daughters. (Ensign, May, 1984, pp. 99-100)

    I was intrigued by an article in the November 11, 1988 Daily Herald.  The results of the Nebo School District's policy of releasing certain students from mandatory school attendance. I quote, "Eight-three percent of the students who have been released from mandatory school attendance by the Nebo School Board in the last four years are back in school as students ... It sure changes the students' attitude when they come back and find out that now it is a privilege to be in school rather than a have to be. It does something for thme," said J. Collin Allan, school board president.

    It has been stated, and I think correctly so, that the quality of our decisions, our judgment, largely determines the joy and success we experience in life. All other things being equal -- which they rarely , if ever are, the more decisions we make the more our decision-making skills will improve. To the degree that we live by these slave words, we are not making decisions, but just going through life with a ring in our nose. Some wag has said, how do you develop good judgment? BY having a wide variety of experiences. And how do you have a wide variety of experiences? By having bad judgment.

    One time after taking a BYU co-ed through this experience, she said, "Well now I have to live by 'want to,'" demonstrating how deeply ingrained this habit often is. SO, how do we change "have to" to want to? How do we come to live more fully by the Savior's plan of agency and desire rather than Satan's clever plan of compulsion?

    Of course, you are now sensitized to the use of these words and will more often observe others and yourselves using them. Just being sensitized and "wanting to" will facilitate letting go of these agency-denying, destructive words.

    How do you think "want to" when you detest, or at least dislike, the activity in question? By examining the consequences of your proposed actions. Yea, you may not want to study for an exam, get up in the morning, see one more person, etc., but as you examine the consequences for not doing so, you will see that you really want to. Or, if you don't want to after examining the consequences, you probably should follow the course of action that brings you teh consequences you desire. You will note that his analysis that  I am not suggesting that we do just what we feel like doing, but rather that we do with desire that which brings us the consequences that we desire. Hopefully, these actions will be consistent with teh desires and commandments of Our Heavenly Father. Remember, unhappy and unsuccessful people live for pleasurabl`e activities while happy and successful people live for desirable consequences. 

    Another helpful action is that of journaling your success and challenges. For example, suppose you were to write at the end of the day, I lived by want to until 7 a.m. Ok, how did fi feel when I shifted from want to, to have to? What caused me to make the shift?  What can I do on a subsequent day if these same circumstances occur to make sure that I still live by want to, rather than have to?     

    Visualizing or mentally rehearsing meeting challenging circumstances in a "want to" mode where you would ordinarily shift to a "have to" mode is also a powerful method to help establish living in accordance with agency as a habit. As these practices are consistently followed, quite obviously we will become increasingly more proficient in living by want to.

    Another helpful action is to make a commitment each morning to live that day by want to. This commitment can be reinforced by writing on your mirror, a post-it note to be placed in a prominent place, or a 3 X 5 card to be seen often during the day, "Today I will live by want to."

    As we practice living more by "want to" we come to feel more in control of our lives, more free, and in fact are more in control and more free as we are living by correct rather than incorrect principles. A very significant side benefit is that we will reduce our unhealthy stress from 25-50% (my questimate) -- just by living in accordance with this one principle.

    A three-step structured meditation as follows will not only help us to live by want to, but help us to achieve other desired goals. Think of some significant goal that you would like to achieve. It could be to be becoming more free, to use your agency more effectively. Now take just a moment to relax as fully as you can. While this meditation can be used in an bodily state, including, e.g., while you are walking, ideas are typically more readily imprinted upon the mind and new creative and productive thoughts and feelings are more likely to be generated when we are deeply relaxed. Accordingly, I recommend that when possible you get deeply relaxed before using it. For the sake of time, we will just take a moment here to unwind. Now please allow your eyes to close, unless you have contracts that bother you, are afraid to close your eyes in a public setting, or some other significant reason. Closing your eyes reduces unwanted external stimuli.

    The first step of the meditation is the desire step. With your eyes closed, please silently say to yourself with each exhalation, I want to ... and conclude that statement with your desired goal. A brief statement is usually more helpful than a long one. Keep repeating the statement, ordinarily for 1-5 seconds. For the sake of time we will only use a few moments here. Note carefully the feelings created within yourself by so doing. Also keep track of any significant ideas that come into your mind. Occasionally a person will find himself becoming more uncomfortable and anxious rather than more comfortable and confident. If this occurs, please change your desire statement to such as, "I want to know why I am feeling uncomfortable, or why I don't really want this as a goal," or a like statement. Please keep your eyes closed until the entire meditation is concluded. 

    Step two is an affirmation step. That is, tell yourself "I am becoming more free," "I am doing what will make me more free," "I am a free person--" whatever affirming statement you can make with at least some conviction. (I am uncomfortable with affirmation statements that we know are not true, as I see them as violating our integrity.) Again follow the same format of repeating this statement to yourself with each exhalation and noting carefully the feelings and thoughts created. 

    Step three is a commitment step. Herein say to yourself something such as "Today I will ... (or if that makes you fell uncomfortable) Today I plan to..." Note, it is important for us to commit ourselves to something that we will do today rather than tomorrow or some indefinite time. Again, keep repeating this statement with each exhalation noting the feelings and thoughts that arise. Steps two and three are ordinarily also followed for one-five seconds each.

    Gradually allow yourself to become fully alert and attentive. We will have time to receive two or three of your comments on what happened to you ... In the desire step, most people feel an increased desire; in the affirmative step, an increased confidence; in the commitment step, and increased determination to act and achieve their goal.

    This meditation can very constructively be used from one to several times a day. As you do so, you will just find yourself automatically increasingly thinking, feeling, and action more in harmony with your desired goal.

    Practicing a meditation such as this will help you to progressively  feel and become more free, and to achieve your other goals. I encourage you to try it for yourself daily for at least three weeks. Likely your experienced results will lead you to continue using it. Please note that the three steps of this meditation, desire, affirmation and commitment are all in harmony with Gospel and sound therapeutic practices. 

    I trust that you can see many applications with couples and families of the ideas I've shared. Families with older children may wish to introduce these ideas in a series of family home evenings and then help each other monitor their agency and agency- denying communication. Parents may well profit from periodic H-W meetings wherein they help each other to see how they are using agency-related methods with each other and in teaching their children and how they can maintain agency. As children learn to work, e.g. in terms of consequences rather than "have tos," they will not only resist less, but learn that what they do really does determine what happens to them. For those parents who use time out for negative behavior, when their children know beforehand what will result in a time out and that the length of the time out is determined not arbitrarily, but by their change in behavior, they come to truly govern their own behavior and discipline themselves. Paul's statement to the Corinthian Saints, I Cor. 11:31, "For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged" takes on real significant and becomes a part of their lives. 

    Hopefully what I have shared with you will help you to see more clearly the relationship between therapy and agency and how we might help our clients, and ourselves, more fully live this marvelous principle. Rather than agency being just an abstract principle over which we fought a war in heaven, it may become a vital principle in each moment of our lives and those of our clients. 

    Thanks for your attention. I will be happy to meet with any or all of you in the discussion sessions tomorrow to discuss these ideas further and to get your views.