Transcript of Dr. Kelly's talk given at AMCAP, SLC, March 31, 1995

Challenges in preparing this address.

    Helaman 10:4-10-- "Blessed are thou, Nephi, for those things which thou hast done' for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word, which I have given unto thee, unto this people. And thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine own life, but has sought my will, and to keep my commandments.  And now, because thou hast done this with such unwearyingness (underscore added), behold, I will bless thee forever; and I will make thee mighty in word and in deed, in faith and in works; yea, even that all things shall be done unto thee according to thy word, for thou shall not ask that which is contrary to my will. Behold thou are Nephi, and I am God. Behold, I declare it unto thee in the presence of mine angels, that ye shall have power over this people, and shall smite the earth with famine, and with pestilence, and destruction, according to the wickedness of this people. Behold, I give unto you power, that whatsoever ye shall seal on earth shall be sealed in heaven; and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven; and thus shall ye have power among this people.... if ye shall say unto this temple it shall be rent in twain, it shall be one. And if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou cast down and become smooth, it shall be done. And behold, if ye shall say that God shall smite this people, it shall come to pass." 

    And yet please note what happened to this same Nephi only about 3 years before that special endowment as recorded in Helaman 7:1-3:  "... Nephi, the son of Helaman, returned to the land of Zarahemla from the land northward. For he had been forth among the people who were in the land northward, and id preach the word of God unto them, and did prophesy many things unto them; And they did reject all his words, insomuch that he could not stay among them, but returned again unto the land of his nativity." 

    Please note further what the Savior stated, (3 Nephi. 19:33) "So great faith have I never seen among all the Jews; wherefore I could not show unto them so great miracles, because of their unbelief."  Please note that He did not say would not, chose not to, but that he "could not" show them so great miracles.

    Further, in Matthew 17:14-21 (Cf. Mark 9:14-29) please observe that the man brought his lunatic son to the Savior to be healed saying, "And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him." After Jesus had chastened his disciples, and said "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth," (Mark 9:23) he rebuked the devil and the child was cured at that moment. Then he said "Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." I assume from that comment that some could be cured or healed with less preparation. 

    Here we have 3 categories of people in Jesus' healing experiences: (1) those whom even he could not cure; (2) those who required special preparation to be healed; and (3) those who could readily be healed. I don't give these thoughts to foster the making of excuses for failures, but to highlight reality. 

    So what, for us and marital therapy? Should we be surprised when we find those that we can really not benefit significantly whereas some we can help meaningfully fairly easily and others only with much more difficulty? To refer back to Nephi, the son of Helaman, please note that even with all of his faith and preparation, he was very unsuccessful with some. He received his special blessing for specifically because of great success, but because of his great obedience and his unwearyingness in doing what the Lord had commanded him to do. 

    I am reminded of a related statement made to us at the last AMCAP Convetion by Brother Lyle Cooper: "It is His job to heal; ours to do what he has asked." AMCAP Conv., 9/30/94, SLC.

    I ask you to keep in mind some other limitations of my comments. What I am going to share applies most directly to Latter-day Saint clients who possess at least some faith in the Gospel. I am also reminded of a statement made by a fairly well known therapist, especially in hypnotherapy, Larry LeShan, (at the NICABN Convention, S.C. Dec., 1994.) : saying what is the best method of psychotherapy is like asking a chess master what is the best chess move. 

    I am also reminded of a story of a man at the U. of Chicago Carl Rogers' Clinic, who came each week and laid on the couch for an hour w/o saying a word. Then immediately in the middle of the 6th session, he got up, thanked the therapist and left saying "You're the fist one who has trusted me to solve my own problems. I've got things figured out now; I know what I'm going to do, and I'll do it." 

    Although I think of therapy as a highly individualized teaching-learning relationship, I am not suggesting by what I'll share that therapists didactically present any of these thoughts to the married couple or individual. What I am suggesting is that it is crucial what we as therapists believe as these beliefs largely determine our therapeutic interventions. Some of these thoughts may never be discussed with clients, some may be "taught" in a very direct manner, others indirectly, the readiness and desires of the client are critical. While I will suggest a few ways that some of these thoughts may be implemented within the relationship, I am primarily sharing them for you to consider and evaluate as to their use for you. 

    Also, I ask you to be mindful that I will discuss only a few of what I consider to be the most important basics; you may believe others to be more important. The biggest limitations of this address are my own weaknesses, my limited understandings and power to conceive and express the ideas. I had a 20 page address typed out, and then yesterday, I thought I should probably use a different focus. Accordingly, please bear with me and make some notes to share tin our following discussion session or at another time. Thanks!

    Thos of you who know mea re well aware that for year I have been focusing on Gospel-based therapy. I continue that focus. I give some of the reasons for that from the following words of Elder Packer. In the October 1986 General Conference, He said:

True doctrine, understood changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel." (Little Children, The Ensign, 11/86, p. 17.)

    At Conference just a year ago, he stated, 

Brethren, do you understand that we emphasize the teaching of the scriptures because they are the constant? From them we learn the purposes of life, the gifts of the Spirit. From them we learn about personal revelation, how to discern good from evil, truth from error. The scriptures provide the pattern and the basis for correct doctrine. From doctrine, we learn principles of conduct, how to respond to problems of everyday living, even to failures, for they, too are provided for the doctrines."  (The Father and the Family, The Ensign, 5/94, p. 19)

     Truman G. Madsen and Allen E. Bergin, stated "The gospel can exist without psychology, but true psychology cannot exist without the gospel." (p.2 of Conceptual Foundations: Identity).

    I agree with these statements.

    The focus shift I decided yesterday was to anchor everything around one principle or doctrine, love. Although there are two great commandments, there are really only one since thy both speak of love. Also, God is love. (1 John 4:8) and our goal is to become like Him. I see learning to love more perfectly as one of the most fundamental purposes of earth life and also of marriage. Elder Neal A. Maxwell interestingly started it in the inimitable way:

Why should it surprise us, by the way, that life's most demanding tests as well as life's most significant opportunities for growth in life usually occur within marriage and the family? How can revolving-door relationships, by contrast, be a real test of our capacity to love? Is being courteous, one time, to the stranger on the bus as difficult as being courteous to a family member who is competing for the bathroom morning after morning? Does fleeting disappointment with a fellow office worker compare to the betrayal of a spouse? Does a raise in pay even approach the lift we receive from rich family life? ... Should it surprise us that in striving to acquire and develop celestial attributes, the greater the interpersonal proximity the greater the challenge? Is not patience, for instance, best developed among those with whom we interface incessantly? The same is true with any of the other eternal attributes! Hence the high adventure of marriage and family life-- and why is it that so many run away from these challenges, thinking they can avoid having to confront themselves by losing themselves in other endeavors or life-styles! (Thanks Be To God The Ensign, 7/82, pp. 54-55)

    President Hugh B. Brown stated the challenges of marriage somewhat similarly, "Marriage is at all times, in every culture and under the widest of circumstances, one of the supreme tests of human character." (IE., Dec. 1966, p. 1096)

    Accordingly, each of the principles or doctrines I will discuss will be in the light of how they can increase our love, especially with our spouse or how the barriers to loving more fully can be eliminated. 

    You are probably all familiar, most of you even more than I with the attacking questioning of Mark Fuhrman in the O. J. Simpson trail by F. Lee Bailey. Mr. Bailey by personal admissions (in an interview with Barbara Walters, e.g.,) was purposefully trying to break him down, get him angry, cause him to lose control so he could demonstrate his lack of control himself and hopefully racist attitudes. Why was Mark Fuhrman able to remain unflappable (incidentally, my dictionary says that word just came into existence in 1968) i.e., keep his cool under Bailey's attack? The reason given was that he was trained to respond in a calm collected manner on the witness stand. Not knowing what that meant, I have assumed that he was taught the critical importance of not getting upset and given some role playing practice. So what? If our married couple understood, and remembered, the importance of marriage in the eyes of God, the importance of being calm in their marriages, the fact that they lose the Spirit when they get angry, that they are jeopardizing the temporal and eternal happiness of their marriage and the well-being of any children they may have, do you think a spouse could also remain unflappable when being attacked by the other? Becoming upset and angry in marriage is surely one of the major barriers to love therein, hence the importance or remaining calm. Since Mark Fuhrman could remain calm with much less at stake, why could not LDS spouses? Hence the importance of knowing in a personal way and remembering the doctrine of eternal marriage and family. 

    There are many scriptures and statements of prophets thereon, e.g., I Cor. 11:11, "...Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord."  (I have selected 22 pages of key scriptures and statements of the prophets and put them in a Words of Christ concept sheet entitled, "Marriage A sacred Covenant." If you would like a copy of it, I will pass around a sheet later for you to sign up on to have it mailed to you. Or, if you would like a copy today, you can borrow this copy and make one.) Illustrative statements from some of the Brethren are-- (I suggest that you ponder and perhaps personalize these as I read them. You may also find it more helpful to close your eyes -- unless your after lunch sleepiness may lead you to fall asleep.)

Elder James E. Talmage
"... The marriage covenant is more than a legalized contract. It is a solemn sacrament, under which the parties are made eligible to the blessing of Divine approval, and by which they are answerable both to the law of man and to the Power that transcends all human institutions. (The Vitality of Mormonism, p. 221)

Elder James E. Faust
"The most sacred, intimate, and blessed relationship of life is between husband and wife."  (Brethren, Love Your Wives, The Ensign, 7/81:35.) 

President Joseph F. Smith
"...No man can be saved and exalted in the kingdom of God without the woman and no woman can reach perfection and exaltation in the kingdom of God alone." (Conference Report, [CR], 4/13/13:118)

President Joseph Fielding Smith
"It is only in the Celestial Kingdom that the privilege of marriage and eternal increase will be found. Even in that kingdom there will be servants who are denied this privilege and glory. (D & C Sections 131 and 132:16:17.) All who refuse to accept this principle and live in accordance with this covenant cannot be enlarged, but must remain separately and singly through all eternity. They cannot become sons and daughters of God" (Church History and Modern Revelation, 2:357-58)

Elder Bruce R. McConkie
"When we as Latter-day Saints talk about marriage we are talking about a holy celestial order. We are talking about a system out of which can grow the greatest love, joy, peace, happiness, and serenity known to humankind. We are talking about creating a family unit that has the potential of being everlasting and eternal, a family unit where a man and a wife can go on in that relationship to all eternity, and where mother and daughter and father and son are bound by eternal ties that will never be severed. We are talking about creating a unit more important than the Church, more important than any organization that exist on earth or in heaven, a unit out of which exaltation and eternal life grow.." (BYUSY, 1977:170.) 

Elder Boyd K. Packer
"The ultimate purpose of every teaching, every activity in the Church is that parents and their children are happy at home, sealed in an eternal marriage, and linked to their generations. The ultimate purpose of the adversary, who has 'great wrath because he knoweth that he hath but a short time,' is to disrupt, disturb, and to destroy the home and the family."   (The Father And The Family,  The Ensign, 5/94, p. 19.) 

Commitment:

    It is not only the love a couple have for each other, but also this awareness of the importance of marriage and love for each other that leads to the type of commitment that is needed. In terms of the goal of wholeness, which I suggest is not obtained without marriage, nor without the Gospel, Carl Jung stated it this way, "The attainment of wholeness requires one to stake one's whole being. Nothing else will do..."  

A Personal Experience-Postal Clerk's Marriage
    A BYU Professor on losing oneself within marriage. President Hunter's words in October Conference to the Priesthood Brethren are relatedly instructive: 

To do one's best in the face of the commonplace struggles of life-and possibly in the face of failure-and to continue to endure and to persevere in the ongoing difficulties of life when those struggles and tasks contribute to others' progress and happiness and one's one eternal salvation-- this is true greatness. (What Is True Greatness, The Ensign, 9/87:71)

Further, in a comforting way, he stated,

As we evaluate our lives, it is important that we look not only at our accomplishments but also at the conditions under which we have labored. We are each different and unique; we have each had different starting points in the race of life; we each have a unique mixture of talents and skills; we each have our own set of challenges and constraints with which to contend. Therefore, our judgement of ourselves and our achievements should not merely include the size or magnitude and number of our accomplishments; it should also include the conditions that that have existed and the effect that our efforts have had on others.  It is this last aspect of our self-evaluation-- the effect of our lives on the lives of others-- that will help us to understand why some of the common, ordinary work of life should be valued so highly. Frequently it is the commonplace tasks we perform that have the greatest positive effect on the lives of others, as compared with the things that the world so often relates to greatness." (What Is True Greatness, The Ensign, 9/87:72)

    There are few doctrines destined to have such a positive impact on how we view our spouse--and also ourselves, as that of our eternal identity. Among others, I really like the way President John Taylor stated it:

    But if we could all the time see, and realize, and understand our true position before God, our minds would be continually on the stretch after the things of God, and we should be seeking to know all the day long what we could do t promote the happiness and salvation of the world, what we could do to honor our calling-- to honor the Priesthood of the son of God, and what to do to honor our God, and to improve the remaining time we have upon the earth, and the energies of our bodies, for the accomplishment of His purposes, for the rolling forth of His kingdom, for the advancement of His designs, that when we stand before Him He may say to us--'Well done, thou good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of thy Lord; thou has been faithful over a few things I will make thee ruler over many things..." 
    We came forth from our Father in heaven, having the privilege of taking bodies in this world. What for? That our bodies and spirits together might accomplish the will of our Heavenly Father, and find their way back again into His presence; that while we are upon the earth, we might be governed by His wisdom, by the intelligence and revelations that flow from Him; that He might be a guide and dictator of our steps while we sojourn here; and that we might fill up the measure of our creation in honor to ourselves, in honor to our progenitors, and in honor to our posterity; and finally, find our way back into the presence of God, having accomplished the object for which we came into the world, having filled up the measure of our creation, having obtained honor to ourselves, honor for our posterity and for our progenitors, and become an honor to God our Heavenly Father, by walking humbly before Him, fulfilling His laws, and accomplishing this the object of our creation. (p. 1:368.) 
    Have you forgot who you are and what your object is? Have you forgot that you profess to be Saints of the Most High God, clothed upon with the Holy Priesthood? Have you forgot that you are aiming to become Kings and Priests to the Lord, and Queens and Priestesses to Him? Have you forgot that you are associated with the Saints of God in Zion, where the oracles of truth are revealed, and the truths of God are made manifest, and clearly developed; where you and your posterity after you can learn the ways of life and salvation; where you are placed in a position that you can obtain blessings from the great Eloheim, that will rest upon you and your posterity worlds without end? ... We ought to reflect sometimes upon these things, and understand our true position. Have you forgot that you came from God, that He is your Father? Have you forgot that you are aiming to get back to His presence? If you have forgot all this, your conduct and actions now are fraught with eternal consequences to yourselves, to your progenitors, and to your posterity after you...  Have you forgot that He is preparing a people that shall be pure in heart; be blessed with light, life, and intelligence; with knowledge of things past, present, and to come? ... Have you forgot that we are living in the last time, wherein a mighty struggle will have to take place between the powers of darkness that are in the world, and the children of light; that it is necessary for us as individuals to gird ourselves with the principles of truth, and the girt about with righteousness on the right hand and on the left, to enable us to stand in the midst of desolation, ruin, and misery, that are overhanging a devoted earth; and that as eternal beings we ought to have our eyes open to eternal tings, and not be dreaming away our existence, forgetful of what we came into the world to accomplish? Discourse, 10 April, 1854. Journal of Discourses [1:372-73]

 We are His servants; we are enlisted for life in the kingdom of God, to do His bidding, and to walk in obedience to His laws, to sustain His kingdom, to roll forth His purposes, and to whatsoever He shall think fit to require of us.

    Compare, or contrast President J. Taylor's statement with the following statement. "I often look at a client and try to see him or her as a 1 or 2 year old, how they were then" -[with their hopes, innocence, joy and enthusiasm] " Richard Katz, Ph.D. NICABM, S.C. 12/95.

    The word "remember" is found 321 times in the Standard Works. When you add the variations of the word, such as remembered, It is used 516 times.

    I was counseling with two particular sisters while on our mission in Canada who had emotionally abusive husbands. As we humans are wont to do, they tended to respond to the abuse with anger and bitterness--which often led to more abuse. Suppose you were to think of your husband as a child of God, as your brother in the premortal life, as one endowed with God-like potential, do you think you would respond differently? How about returning love for anger, etc.? We also used some visualization to assist, as well as discussing what it meant to love one's enemy, (some statements re: which I will shortly give), etc. They both agreed to do so to the best of their ability. Within about two weeks, each of them independently reported, you know my husband is responding more positively; he's treating me better, and I'm feeling more love towards him. Yes, love is contagious. 

    Love that is conditioned on good behavior is not love of the person but love of good behavior. That is not nearly as challenging, nor as growth-producing.

    A related incident was shared by Elder Spencer Condie in the October 93 Conference:

    A few years ago my wife, Dorothea, and I were walking across the grounds of a temple in a foreign land when we met a very radiant, cheerful, silver-haired sister. Her cheerful, Christ like countenance seemed to set her apart from those around her, and I felt inclined to ask her to explain why she looked so happy and content with life.
    'Well' she said with a smile, 'several yeas ago I was in a hurry to get married, and quite frankly, after a few months I realized I had married the wrong man.' She continued, 'He had no interest in the Church as he had initially led me to believe, and he began to treat me very unkindly for several years. One day I reached the point where I felt I could go on no longer in this situation, and so in desperation I knelt down to pray, to ask heavenly Father if He would approve of my divorcing my husband.  
    'I had a very remarkable experience' she said. 'After I prayed fervently, the Spirit revealed a number of insights to me of which I had been previously unaware. For the first time in my life, I realized that, just like my husband, I am not perfect either. I began to work on my intolerance and my impatience with his lack of spirituality.
    'I began to strive to become more compassionate and loving and understanding. And do you know what happened? As I started to change, my husband started to change. Instead of my nagging him about going to church, he gradually decided to come with me and his own initiative.
    'Recently we were sealed in the temple, and now we spend one day each week in the temple together. Oh, he's still not perfect but I am so happy that the Lord loves us enough to help us resolved our problems.' (A Mighty Change of Heart, The Ensign, 11/93:17) 

    John's statement 1 John 4:19, "We love him, because he first loved us" has much support for its validity.

    These illustrations are testimony of the validity of President Monson's statement in the October Conference, "Love is the catalyst that causes change. Love is the balm that brings healing to the soul." (A Doorway Called Love, The Ensign, 11/87, p. 66)

    While sometimes these transformations may occur very quickly, at other times the time period may be measured in years. President Benson's statement is instructive:

... the process of repentance is that we must be careful, as we seek to become more and more godlike, that we do not become discouraged and lose hope. Becoming Christlike is a lifetime pursuit and very often involves growth and change that is slow, almost imperceptible. The scriptures record remarkable accounts of men whose lives changed dramatically, in an instant, as it were: Alma the Younger, Paul on the road to Damascus, Enos praying far into the night, King Lamoni. Such astonishing examples of the power to change even those steeped in sin give confidence that the Atonement can reach even those deepest in despair.
    But we must be cautious as we discuss these remarkable examples. Though they are real and powerful, they are the exception more that the rule. For every Paul, for every Enos, and for every King Lamoni, there are hundreds and thousands of people who find the process of repentance much more subtle, much more imperceptible. Day by day they move closer tot the Lord, little realizing they are building a godlike life. They live quiet lives of goodness, service, and commitment. They are like the Lamonites, who the Lord said 'were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not.' (3 Nephi 9:20)
...We must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step steady, and consistent movement toward godliness.
    We Must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Stan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope.' (A Mighty Change of Heart,  The Ensign, 10/89, p.5).

     Now for some quotes on some meanings of loving one's enemy: From St. Thomas, "To love someone is to will his highest good... this 'highest good' is to become the person God created him to be." From President Brigham Young, 

    Do I say, Love your enemies? Yes, upon certain principles. But you are not required to love their wickedness; you are only required to love them so far as concerns a desire and effort to turn them from their evil ways, that they may be served through obedience to the Gospel. (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widstoe [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1941], p. 272)

    And from President Joseph F. Smith

    I do not love them [the wicked] so that I would take them into my bosom, or invite them to associate with my family, or that I would give my daughters to their embraces, nor my sons to their counsels ... but I love them so much that I would not hurt them, I would do them good, I would tell the truth about them, I would benefit them if it was in my power, and I would keep them to the utmost of my ability from doing harm to themselves and to their neighbors. I love them that much; but I do not love them with that affection with which I love my wife, my brother, my sister or my friend. There is a difference between the love we should bear towards our enemies and that we should bear towards our friends..."...We do not love to associate with our enemies, and I do not think the Lord requires us to do it. If He does He will have to reveal it, ... I have never heard it taught that we are to love our enemies so much as to become like them, or condescend to their ... ways..." (October 7, 1882, Journal of Discourses, 1966, V. 23, pp. 284-85)

    Please also note the following from President Young, "I never counselled a woman to follow her husband to the Devil." (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 201.)

    Am I saying that divorce is never justified? No. However, the conditions of justifications are stringent. I remember counseling with another sister who was contemplating divorce whose husband had also served as a Bishop. Why? She wasn't comfortable around him. She didn't feel free to say what she really thought for fear he would get angry at her. There had been no incidents of physical abuse reported. What was one of the characteristics she most needed to develop in her life? Was it not to be free to express herself even when others would disagree with her? Yes. She had grown up in a home where the kids were to be seen, but not heard, unless they were in agreement with what was happening. This fear of sharing her true thoughts and feelings had carried over into her marriage. I suggested that perhaps she had the very best husband she could possibly have to correct a deficit in her personality. As she thought about it, she conceded that perhaps that was so.

    Rather than just share my views on divorce, I will share several statement from Brethren, with which I agree:

Elder Dean L. Larsen
"I am convinced that there is something so absolutely sacred in the eyes of the Lord about the marriage covenant that he expects us to devote every energy and resource in our power to make our marriages endure. For those who do, even in the face of great challenges and difficulties, I am certain there will be ultimate blessings realized that are beyond our present comprehension." (Marriage and the Patriarchal Order,  Ensign, 9/82:13)

President David O. McKay
    "In the light of scripture, ancient and modern, we are justified in concluding that Christ's ideal pertaining to marriage is the unbroken home, and conditions that cause divorce are violations of his divine teachings. Some of these are: Unfaithfulness on the part of either the husband or wife, or both, habitual drunkenness, physical violence, long imprisonment that disgraces the wife and family, the union of an innocent girl to a reprobate--in these and perhaps other cases there may be circumstances which make the continuance of the marriage state a greater even than divorce. But these are extreme cases--they are the mistakes, the calamities in the realm of marriage. If we could remove them I would say there never should be a divorce. It is Christ's ideal that home and marriage should be perpetual--eternal.
    To look upon marriage as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure in response to a romantic whim, or for selfish purposes, and severed at the first difficulty or misunderstanding that may arise, is an evil meriting sever condemnation, especially in cases wherein children are made to suffer because of such separation ... A child has the right to feel that in his home he has a place of refuge, a place of protection from the dangers and evils of the outside world. Family unity and integrity are necessary to supply this need. (Treasures of Life, pp. 66-67)

Elder James E. Faust
    "What, then, might be 'just cause' for breaking the covenants of marriage? Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered 'just cause' for breaking of covenants ... In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.
    At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor having 'fallen out of love.' This is especially so where there are children." (Father Come Home, Ensign, 5/93: 36-37)

    I think that one of the more significant factors leading to divorce is the emphasis on rights. It has been suggested that living in the 90's is characterized by  if I want something, I need it, if I need it, somebody has to give it o me--or I'll sue.  I suggest that instead of the focus, which often leads to divorce, that we remember the 2nd of the great commandments, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Yes, we are to appropriately love ourselves so that we will not allow others to continue to abuse us. That focus, however, makes it much more possible to work out differences, because it is "I" rather than "you" oriented; it is self-protective and yet not designed to create defensiveness in another.

Others than Spouse

   In my experience, I have rarely found a couple with marital problems where one or both of them had not allowed their romantic thoughts to focus on another of the opposite sex. Such,, of course, is death to developing love for one's spouse and overcoming barriers to that goal. Please note what two of our prophets have stated about that behavior. President Spencer W. Kimball-- "Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression. As we should here 'an eye single to the glory of God,' so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family." (FPM, p. 143)

    President Hunter in his classic address to the Priesthood this last October Conference quoted part of those words of President Kimball and then said:

    Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one's character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed. One who does not control his thoughts and thus commits adultery in his heart, if he does not repent, shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear (see D & C 42:23; 63:16)
    ... I testify that this is what the Lord would have the brethren of the priesthood receive at this time. May you be blessed in your efforts to be righteous husbands and fathers, I pray as I bear solemn witness of the truthfulness of that which has been spoken this evening and do so in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen." (Being a Righteous Husband and Father,  Ensign, 11/94:50, 51)

    This in my experience is a critical issue to examine, possibly individually, and help a spouse work through.

Our Focus

    Our Family History President, a very compassionate and spiritual leader, shared the following illustration in a devotional in February (2/3/95): On the days when I am thinking about myself, I find that my wife does a number of things I don't like, some of which are quite annoying. On the days when I am thinking of others especially my wife, I find that the things she does I like and some of them especially well. [Close to verbatim]

    Have you also found this to be true? I have. An easy way to deal with this principle in therapy is to just ask when a person mentions a negative behavior of their spouse, "Who were you thinking of when you thought of this behavior?"

    Please take careful note of what the Apostle Paul had to say about observing faults in another:

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:1-2

    What a difference following that scripture would make in the lives of those in troubled marriages.

Judgments

    When we are self-focused what kind of judgment are we making" Note what the Savior said in Matthew 7:1-2 and the Joseph Smith Translation of this scripture. I suggest that the unrighteous judgment the Savior was condemning is condemning judgment. I call the righteous judgments, discerning--that is, discerning whether something is good or bad, true or false, etc. In order to live effectively in the world, we need to constantly be making discerning judgments. However, virtually, if not always, condemning judgments, i.e., the person doing the right or wrong thing is bad, unworthy, evil, etc., create problems. 

Forgiveness

    So once we have made a condemning judgment of another, and become angry, upset, flappable, what do we need to do?

    Do we really need to forgive? D & C 64:7-10 has been troubling to many people, and at one time was to me also, thinking that it is very harsh and lacking in understanding. Please note what it says:

... I, the Lord, forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and ask forgiveness, who have not sinned unto death. My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened. "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I , the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

    The following thoughts came to me as I was pondering on that scripure and trying to understand how the person who didn't forgive was more guilty than the transgressor. First, what is sin? There are two Biblical definitions: 1 John 3: 4 "Sin is the transgression of the law," and the definition of James which is probably most of us like better, James 4:17 : "To him that knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." I suggest another definition. Is not sin anything that retards our progress or reduces our joy, since we are her to obtain both of those? I think that is why the Lord has called certain behaviors sins, i.e., the reason an action is a sin is that it does one, or usually both of those two things. With that in mind, when we are unforgiving towards an individual, does it retard our progress? Of course, since to that degree we are not focused on growth oriented behaviors. Are we filled with joy? Certainly not at the time we are thinking unforgiving thoughts of someone. Therefore, while the transgressor may have committed a sin against us, every time we think of that transgression in an unforgivng way, we are sinning. Thusly, we may have sinned many, many times. This commandment, then, like all other commandments, is a very loving and compassionate commandment whose purpose is just to try and help us make more progress and have greater joy. 

 Forgiveness is powerful spiritual medicine. To extend forgiveness, that soothing balm, to those who have offended you is to heal. And, more difficult yet, when the need is there, forgive yourself! (Boyd K. Packer, “Balm of Gilead,” Ensign, Nov. 1987, 16)

     I was giving a fireside on forgiveness while on our last mission in Canada. I knew that some of those in the audience has suffered considerable abuse. One of those I asked, how soon can you forgive someone who has seriously offended you. She quickly responded, "as soon as I decide to." She readily understood, at least in that instance, that she was an agent, and as such had great powers to change when she really wanted to. The principle of agenscy is a fundamental one in all therapeutic change.

    Blessings of the forgiveness of the Savior; that factor in stress management. The importance of stress management.

Hidden Beliefs

    A factor typically involved in marital problems is what I call "hidden beliefs." This is similar to what some others have called "automatic thoughts." The criteria I use for "hidden beliefs" are 1) a belief that we really don't know about, or 2) a belief that we are aware of but don't recognize its impact.

    For example, a spouse may be late coming home from work, shopping, or whatever. The "at home" spouse may think, and also may shared with the children, he/she just doesn't care about us and that is why he/she is not here now. Another spouse is the same situation, say late coming home from work may think, and also possibly share with the children, they must have had something come up that is detaining them. I hope they are okay. If it is the wife, she might even say, daddy loves us so much that he wants to do a good job at work so that we have money we need. Granted, there no doubt have been experiences to help build these responses. But as we search closer, the first spouse most likely has a belief that her spouse really doesn't care about them and that is what is motivating the thoughts and responses. Contrariwise, the 2nd spouse has an underlying belief either that her spouse really does care about them, or at least is trying to do so. As long as the beliefs exist, we can expect the thoughts and responses to continue.

    Hidden beliefs typically lead to such overgeneralizations as he/she "always" does that, "never thinks of us," etc. In reality, as you know, these statements are virtually always at least partially false.

    Hidden beliefs may also lead to the incorrect use of words like can't. I recently talked with a sister who had had years of conflict with her husband, though he had been a good enough man to serve as a bishop. She told me, "I can't stand to be alone with him in the same room. I have such uncomfortable feelings." As we examined that word, she readily recognized that she really cold, but that she hadn't want to.   Now recognizing the benefits of such and wanting to, she was free to see what she could do to change. As long, however, as she really believed that she couldn't, she couldn't. If any improvement was to be made, it had to be on his part. 

    Becoming aware of the hidden beliefs generating one's thoughts and feelings and their impact is critical to modifying them. Asking within sessions such questions as what would you have to believe to think and feel that way? What is the effect of that belief, etc. These explorations can help to sensitize and individual or couple to these beliefs and lead to their modification.

Learning to live by and enjoy the gifts of the Spirit

    Of course thoughts and feelings monitoring are essential for the modification of hidden beliefs. But they are also essential for learning to live by and enjoy the gifts of the Spirit. Galatians 5:16, 22-23 reads: "... walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh... the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance:..." 

    Rather obviously, these are the feelings that each of us would like to have. Further, one who learns to live by the spirit is truly walking wit his or her hand in the hand of God. This is the ultimate for achieving personal, marital and family pinnacles of success and the ultimate goal for each seeker of the Celestial Kingdom.

The Lord said, 'Look unto me in every thought.' (D & C 6:36) Looking unto the Lord in every thought is the only possible way we can be the kind of men and women we ought to be. (Ezra Taft Benson, “Think on Christ,” Ensign, Mar. 1989, 2)

    Enjoying these feelings most of the time is natural for one who is consistently striving to live by "every word that proceeds froth from the mouth of God." Yes, there will be trials for each of us regardless of how faithfully we strive to live and these may help to temporarily produce less desirable feelings. Also, as each of us sin and fall short, there will be some limited periods of other negative feelings.  Also, as each of us sin and fall short, there will be some limited periods of other negative feelings, but these are the kind of feelings that one can enjoy most of the time. One can be assured when they are experiencing these feelings that they are on course and that such behavior will lead them to their desired goals.

    Please note that helping us to feel good and to feel good about ourselves is how Our Heavenly Father motivates us to do good, to keep His commandments. Granted when we do wrong, he helps us to cease such behavior by helping us to experience negative feelings. Is not this a guide for how we would successfully help our spouse or other family members to behave in more desirable ways? Of course, I suggest that it is.

The Gift of Charity and how to Obtain it.

And now I now that this love which thou hast had for the children of men is charity; wherefore, except men shall have charity they cannot inherit that place which thou has prepared in the mansions of thy father (Ether 12:34)

...Because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforer filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God. (Moroni 8:26)

...For we know that it is by grace, that we are saved, after all we can do. (2 Nephi 25:23)

...He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. (2 Nephi 26:24)

President John Taylor

We have got to follow the oracles of heaven in all things; there is no other way but to follow him God has appointed to lead us and guide us into eternal salvation.  Journal of Discourses  p. 375