THE PARABLE OF THE LAMB
        There was once a little lamb born into a very good flock. The lamb was pure and innocent. As he grew older, there came a time when the other lambs teased him and none of them wanted to play with him. The lamb felt rejected and lonely and not even his parents seemed to understand. One day he got into a fight with them and concluded that his parents didn't love him. Feeling totally rejected, he began to feel very sorry for himself. His self-pity turned to anger and he decided to leave the flock.
        The lamb walked alone for a while; then another lamb happened by.
        He didn't know him very well, but they soon found out they had a lot in common. At last he had someone to talk with who would understand his story of self-pity.

The Grain Bin
        After listening for about an hour, the friend said, "1 know where the farmer keeps his grain. Let's go to his grain bin. It will help you feel better. It always works for me."
        To get to the farmer's bin, the lamb had to leave the pasture-something he had been taught by his parents never to do. The lamb said to himself, "It's not my fault I'm leaving the pasture. It's my parents' fault. They are making me leave because of the way they treated me." Keeping that thought in mind, he kneeled down, squeezed through the small hole in the fence and began to explore the pasture next door with his new friend.
        The grass was much greener there and everything seemed more enticing. The lamb was so excited he didn't notice any of the ant beds or the snakes that slithered through the new pasture. Since he had been troubled with ants and snakes in the old pasture, this new pasture seemed better.
        While in the pasture, he could forget his feelings of rejection, self-pity, and anger. He felt alive. There were many new things that attracted him. He said, "This is what I've been looking for. This is the answer to my problems."
        His friend led him to the grain bin behind the farmer's barn. The grain tasted delicious. How could something that tasted so good and made him feel so alive be bad for him?
        That night he went back to his own pasture. His old feelings of rejection, self-pity, and anger were still with him. In addition, he now felt guilty for going into the forbidden pasture and eating the grain because the lamb knew that, while there is a time and place for grain, the amounts had to be carefully limited. Grain was not part of a young lamb's normal diet and if he ate too much grain, it could even cause his death. His feelings of guilt stayed with him for several days. He couldn't shake them. He knew what he had done was not right. As he tried to forget the guilt, he started daydreaming about the farmer's grain bin. Whenever he was thinking about the grain bin, he didn't eel guilty. Fantasizing about the grain bin soon was not enough; he returned to the grain bin-this time without his friend. While his head was in the grain bin, he felt like a new person, and for the moment he forgot his guilt, rejection, and self-pity. On the way home, though, he felt even more guilty and depressed.
        The lamb wanted to escape feeling rejected, lonely, angry, and hurt; but all his old problems were still with him. He soon learned that he could forget them only when he was at the grain bin, so it became very difficult for him to leave it alone. The grain bin-which he thought was the answer to his problems-soon became his biggest problem. Too much grain doesn't digest quickly enough and could ferment in his stomach creating gas-enough to kill him. Even full-grown sheep can die from an overdose of grain. The lamb had already experienced serious discomfort from the grain; he knew he must stop going to the grain bin.
        Often the lamb would stand right next to the fence and say, "I'm not going to the grain bin. No, I'm not going to the grain bin. I'm just standing here." After standing for about ten minutes the lamb would say, "I'm not going to the other pasture, I'm just going to see if I still fit inside the hole in the fence, but I'm not going to the other pasture." He would slide part way through the hole in the fence; then he would go all the way through the fence and stand on the other side and say, "I'm not going to the farmer's barn. I'm just standing here, but I'm not going to the farmer's barn." After standing for a few minutes, the lamb would say, "I'm going down to the barn just to see if the farmer parked his tractor behind the barn, but I'm not going to the grain bin." The lamb would go to the farmer's barn and sure enough the tractor would be parked behind the barn right next to the grain bin.
        The lamb would finally say, "Since I've come this far, I'll just take one spoonful of grain and then leave." After one spoonful, the lamb would say, "I've gone this far, what difference does it make now how much I eat?" Then the lamb would eat and eat until he felt sick.
        On the way home, he would be filled with depression and guilt once more. He had told himself this would never ever happen again. Each time he went to the grain bin he promised himself he would never return. But he went hack again and again.

The Grain Bin is a Compulsive Sexual Lifestyle
        In this story the grain bin is compared to _______________________(Use this blank to write in the compulsive sexual behavior you're trying to stop. You may want to abbreviate or put a code word for the behavior to keep it confidential.)
        At first someone may have introduced you to it, or you may have just discovered it on your own. It doesn't matter how you got started; with Christ's help you can surrender the compulsive behavior. This book will teach you the steps to take and the tools to use to turn yourself to Christ so you won't keep going to the grain bin. As we turn to Christ, we begin to live.
        You cannot overcome your compulsive sexual behavior by yourself. You need the help of Heavenly Father and the Savior. We were not sent to earth to see how much we could do by ourselves, but rather, to see how much we could do with God's help With total surrender to God's help you will have success.

THE COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR PATTERN
        Any compulsive behavior has the following pattern:

First, we learn the behavior.
Second, we use it to cover up unresolved feelings and out-of-balance emotions.
Third, we deny that the behavior is a problem.
Fourth, we never tell anyone about it (isolation).
Fifth, we turn to the behavior again and again.

Let's analyze this pattern in the parable of the Lamb:

First, the lamb learned the behavior.
· He was feeling lonely. He went with a "friend" that he didn't know well.
· His "friend" introduced him to the grain bin.
Second, he used the pleasure of the trip to the grain bin to cover up unresolved feelings and out-of-balance emotions. 
· The lamb chose to leave instead of resolving his angry feelings with his parents.
· He allowed his feelings of rejection to turn into self-pity.
Third, he denied that his behavior was a problem and put the blame elsewhere; he was not ready to admit that he was responsible for the problem.
· The lamb rationalized that it was okay to go to the other pasture since he was upset at his parents, even though he had been taught not to leave his own pasture.
Fourth, he never told anyone about it (isolation).
· He rationalized that he would never do it again and since he was not going to do it again, he didn't have to tell anyone or do anything about it.
· After he went to the pasture, he did not go home and discuss it with his parents or another trusted individual. He kept his behavior a big secret.
Fifth, he repeated the behavior again and again. 
· He stood by the fence of temptation and kept telling himself he would never cross it.
· The lamb used each slip-up --each step toward the grain bin-to justify the next, and kept moving
closer and closer until he finally went all the way to the bin again.

This is the cycle of a compulsive behavior. To get out of this compulsive behavior, a person needs to begin the following process.

SURRENDER THE WEAKNESS TO CHRIST AND BEGIN A CHRIST-CENTERED LIFE.
        You can lay the foundation for a Christ-centered life in the following ways: First, recognize your need for help to stop your compulsive behavior.
Second, seek out a trusted friend, counselor, bishop-- someone who has the ability and resources to help.
        Most of us who get caught up in compulsive behaviors eventually hit rock bottom. The grain bin stops working as a means of covering up our painful feelings and becomes the main problem. The only way out is to humble ourselves, talk to a trusted friend, and determine to live a Christ-centered life. Spiritual growth begins on bended knees of humility.

The Drug of Lust
        A person chooses a compulsive sexual behavior in an attempt to drown or cover out-of-balance emotions. Over several years, I worked with many individuals who had chosen a compulsive sexual lifestyle as an attempt to deal with feelings and emotions that they didn't want to feel They literally used compulsive sexual behavior as a drug to cover up the pain caused by some feeling. Lust became their drug of choice.
Let's analyze this pattern. When a sexually compulsive person is emotionally out-of-balance, he chooses lust to cover up his emotions instead of using these emotions to turn to God. At first the god of lust seems to provide the answers. It seems to be an easy way to feel good. It produces excitement and an emotional high; but after the fix of lust has been injected into the body, the person cannot avoid the side effects.
        There are always side effects when people drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, or do drugs. There are also side effects from the drug of lust. One of the real side effects of_______________ (write in your sexual compulsive behavior) is the ever-increasing desire to lust. Lust can literally become a drug of choice. Lust then becomes the primary problem because lust can never be satisfied. Enough is never enough. Lust wears many faces --inappropriate thoughts, masturbation, heterosexual relationships, homosexuality, lesbianism, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, child molestation, incest, etc. Lust has no boundaries. Lust prevents a person from becoming his best self, because it allows the natural man to take over and the natural man is an enemy to God. Lust is an enemy to God's eternal plan because it draws the person involved away from the true God. When that happens, lust becomes the person's false god.
        Whatever the compulsive sexual behavior a person chooses, the end results are inevitably feelings of worthlessness, despair, discouragement, failure, low self-esteem, hopelessness, frustration, and loneliness. The person in this position tends to feel that all is lost, that they can never be forgiven, so why should they try anymore?
        Lust is Satan's counterfeit for love. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Satan promotes counterfeit love, which is lust. It is driven by a hunger to appease personal appetite. One who practices this deception cares little for the pain and destruction caused another. While often camouflaged by flattering words, its motivation is self-gratification." (Ensign, May 1991, p.35)
        The world would have us believe that lust and love are the same thing. 
        The movies of today, the lyrics of many songs, the daytime shows, magazine articles, or novels often use the word love, but they depict Satan's counterfeit of lust. In a nutshell the world says that love equals sex. The Lord's definition is quite different. He says that love plus marriage equals wholesome sexual relations.
        The Apostle Paul defined true love in his writings to the Corinthians. Love is the Greek word for charity. On the left side of the following chart are the Apostle Paul's definitions of love. On the right side, I've written what I believe to be Satan's counterfeit for love, which is lust.

Love (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

1. Charity suffereth long, and is kind.
2. Charity envieth not.
3. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
4. Doth not behave itself unseemingly.
5. Seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked.
6. Thinketh no evil.
7. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth.
8. Beareth all things.
9. Believeth all things.
10. Hopeth all things.
11. Endureth all things.
12. Charity never faileth.

LUST

1. Lust bails out and is mean.
2. Lust always envies.
3. Lust is boastful and arrogant.
4. Does indecent and inappropriate things.
5. Lust craves itself, is irritable and selfish.
6. Bathes itself in evil.
7. Enjoys iniquity more than truth.
8. Can't handle most things.
9. Believes what it wants; lies.
10. Loses all hope.
11. Gives up; why try?
12. Lust fails.

        Lust is very addictive. A person can develop lustful thoughts at a very early age. In the Strength of Youth pamphlet, the Lord has told us through his prophets to abstain from premarital sex, petting, necking, sex perversion, masturbation, and preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, and action. All these are manifestations of lust.

A FRIEND'S STORY
        I've discussed the effects of lust in one's life and the pattern of a compulsive sexual lifestyle. Here is a real-life story about a man who had a compulsive sexual cycle that spanned over fifty-four years. I hope by sharing his experience, you can identify how he got into this compulsive sexual lifestyle and how he finally began to make changes, surrender his weaknesses, and build a Christ-centered life. His story shows that it is never too late. No matter how long a pattern has been going on, with the Lord's help, it can be changed. As you read through his story try to identify the compulsive sexual patterns in this man's life.
        When I was eleven or twelve years of age, a boy moved into our town who had a vivid imagination. I had never masturbated in my life and didn't know what the word meant until many years later, but this boy introduced me to masturbation.
        I had become "hooked" within hours of this new experience and only learned fifty-four years later that I had become a sex addict without any idea of the continual problems this would cause me. Lust had easily found a home in my heart and mind without giving me a single clue to what was happening to me. In a few short years, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but the excitement and pleasure that I experienced from playing this new "game" eclipsed my feelings of guilt and remorse.
        After each episode of masturbation, I experienced greater guilt and remorse and I resolved hundreds of times to give up masturbation, because I knew it was terribly wrong, but I could not do so. I decided to give reality a chance. I was married in the temple. I was positive that I had changed my behavior and was ready for marriage. Looking back on my life, it was not surprising to me how warped my thinking became. I had fantasized sexual relations so often and thought marriage would fulfill everything that I had imagined. Later in life and long after I was married, I finally realized that the realities of sex could not possibly equal the fantasies I had stored over many years in the memory bank of my brain.
        I knew I had married the right woman but within a year lust prevailed.
        I was again looking for the woman of my fantasies who could solve all my problems and "cure" me. I was a good dancer and before long I was looking for opportunities to meet women who fit my fantasy images. I could now claim "victory" over masturbation, but found I had replaced my desire for masturbation with the much more serious sin of seeking out and being with other women.
        In my work I traveled a lot. I was a corporate attorney that specialized in product liability. In my travels, I found many opportunities to meet other women. Each time I made a connection with another woman, I was sure she could cure me and solve all my problems, but I soon found this was not true.
        After each acting out episode, guilt and remorse lasted for weeks, but with Satan's help I soon found another woman. In looking back, it does not surprise me that there were dozens of one-night stands in my life, each ending with longer periods of guilt. Before long, Satan would tell me there would be even greater possibilities the next time. I kept all of this secret.
        During the years of my compulsive sexual behavior, I went through the church disciplinary system three times. I denied that I had a problem with my sexual behavior during the seventeen years of rearing our children. During this time, I did not act out on my thoughts, but they were still there. I thought since I wasn't acting out, I was cured.
        After seeing my first child leave the nest, I found I had never been able to give up my fantasies completely and I started anew to seek a cure and someone who could solve my problems. At age sixty-six, I found a twelve-step support group for individuals who wanted to overcome their sexually compulsive lifestyles. Attending the support group was the first step in recognizing that I was an addict. I was addicted to sex.
        Once I realized that it was my problem, I could then take the difficult but necessary steps that would allow me to change.
I credit my wonderful wife for never giving up on me and creating a desire in our children to always love the Lord and His gospel.
        After a few years of sobriety and following the painful, yet joyous path of complete repentance, I was ready to serve a mission. My wife and I had a wonderful experience in the mission field. I served as Branch President during most of our mission.
        I now know that the temptation to act out my fantasies may always be with me, but I gain control of the obsession as I stay focused on the Savior.
When I am actively serving the Lord and trying to keep His commandments, Satan and his legions have little influence on me. They may and do tempt me. Nevertheless, I am at the helm and control what I think and do.
        Without Christ and His gospel, I am sure I would not have this control. It was only after 1 surrendered my addiction to the Lord and made an honest and sincere effort to keep all of His commandments that I found the Lord would and could help me overcome my addiction. I have also found that if I keep my promises to the Lord, Satan's influences cannot overcome me, but if I fail to keep my promises, Satan's influence comes right back into my life.
        As I indicated earlier, no matter how long a pattern has been going on, with the Lord's help it can be changed. It may sound as though it was too easy for this man to change. From the time he recognized and accepted that his problem was a compulsive sexual addiction and began the repentance process and began striving to live a Christ centered life, it was nearly five years until he was victorious. I say this to indicate that repentance is a process, and it is rarely easy. There are no quick fixes. The time period should not discourage an individual seeking recovery. Repentance is an individual process between you, the Lord and your ecclesiastical leaders and every case is different. Never give up hope; no matter how long or short the process, repentance is possible.

THE COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR PATTERN
        Now let's summarize this man's compulsive sexual pattern.

First, he learned the behavior.
· A boy who had moved into town introduced him to masturbation.
Second, he used it to cover up unresolved feelings and out-of-balance emotions.
· He used lust to cover up the pain of guilt and remorse.
· Over several years of masturbation, he had developed fantasies and expectations about sexual relations within marriage that could not be met.
· Masturbation no longer deadened the feelings of guilt and remorse.
· He used women in hopes they would make him feel better about himself.
Third, he denied that his behavior was a problem; he was not ready to accept responsibility for his problem.
· He lived in denial for many years. He did not admit that he had a problem.
· He didn't realize until years later that he was hooked on lust.
Fourth, he never told anyone about it (isolation).
· He never told anyone that he masturbated, though he knew it was wrong.
· Although he had been involved with other women, he initially didn't tell anyone.
Fifth, he used the compulsive behavior again and again. 
· He resolved hundreds of times to give up masturbation, but couldn't.
· Although he was married, he sought sexual relationships with other women.

This is the cycle of a compulsive behavior. To get out of this compulsive behavior, a person needs to begin the following process.

SURRENDER THE WEAKNESS TO CHRIST AND BEGIN A CHRIST-CENTERED LIFE

First, he realized that he needed help and sincerely sought it out.
· He realized that he had a problem and that he needed to do something about it.
· He sought help for his problem.
Second, he surrendered to Christ and began a Christ centered life.
· He started living the gospel as best he could and followed the complete repentance process.
· He controlled his sexual obsession by staying focused on the Savior.
· He surrendered his addiction to the Lord and made an honest and sincere effort to keep all the commandments.
· He replaced his acting out by serving the Lord and striving to keep His commandments.
· He has now kept his promises to the Lord as best he can.

USING THE DRUG TO COVER UP UNWANTED FEELINGS
        People who have been in a compulsive sexual lifestyle attempted to use this behavior to cover-up feelings or emotions that they did not like or want to feel. It was their way of placing their feelings in a dark closet and pretending that they did not exist. As long as they were acting out and going to the grain bin, they didn't feel unwanted feelings, but the feelings kept coming back whenever they were away from the grain bin. They never told anyone about their compulsive behavior. They kept it a secret for a long time. Finally, the guilt and pain were just too much and they sought help.

TRIGGER POINTS
I refer to out-of-balance emotions as trigger points that cause you to reach for the drug of lust. What are some feelings or emotions that you have tried to cover up with your compulsive sexual behavior?

1. Loneliness
2. Anger
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

SUPPORT GROUPS
        Because of the number of years they had been in the compulsive cycle and the seriousness of their transgressions, some people I have worked with needed more support and help than I could give them. Consequently, they chose to attend support groups; some found them helpful.
        However, before you make the decision to attend a support group, I caution you to prayerfully determine what's best for you and discuss the matter with your bishop. Not everyone who has attended a support group has had an uplifting and beneficial experience. Being open with your bishop, the Lord, and trusted friends who can provide you with a safe place to share your feelings is the beginning of a desirable support system.
        Eventually, we want to surrender to the Lord all of our out-of-balance emotions. He is our best friend and support.

THE TEN STEPS
        Recovery and a Christ-centered life won't be easy and at times the progress may seem very slow-almost unnoticeable. Keep going. Keep trying. Today is the beginning. The sun will shine again. The perfect brightness of hope will appear. You and the Lord will make a great team. You can begin today to choose a Christ-centered life.
        How can you surrender your inappropriate behavior to Christ and begin to feel His unconditional love? The following ten steps can assist you. If you choose to take these steps, you will experience great progress toward living a Christ-centered life. Many people have found the power to surrender inappropriate sexual behavior through this process. The most important thing is to get started.
        The following are steps to assist you in surrendering your compulsive sexual behavior and turning yourself to Christ in order to begin a Christ-centered life. Each step will be explained in a chapter of the book.

Step One
Be aware, admit that you have a problem, and accept total responsibility for it.

O my son, I desire that ye should deny the justice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least
point because of your sins. (Alma 42:30)

Step Two
Realize that only through Jesus Christ can you be healed and enjoy peace and continued progress.

Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? (3 Nephi 9:13)

Step Three
Strip yourself of pride and follow the complete steps of repentance.

And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath forgiven us of those our many sins and murders which we have committed, and taken away the guilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son. (Alma 24:1O)

Step Four
Identify the irrational thinking that allowed you to continue this compulsive behavior. Work patiently to replace irrational thoughts with rational thoughts that are Christ-centered.

Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been. (Mormon 9:31)

Step Five
Identify your trigger points and the places your compulsive sexual behavior takes place.

Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. (3 Nephi 18:18)

Step Six
Surrender all of the negative emotions that have become your trigger points to Heavenly Father through prayer; avoid places or situations that become trigger points.

Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ. (Alma 37:33)

Step Seven
Begin to use your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to fill your emotional needs and to replace trigger points. Plan your week in advance with Christ-centered choices that are positive replacements for your trigger points.

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is Upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall. (Helaman 5:12)

Step Eight
Know that God and Christ love us unconditionally even with our weaknesses. As we turn to Christ, He will make our weaknesses become strengths

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

Step Nine
Fast at least monthly and establish and commit to a regular physical exercise program.

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God; That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High. (D&C 88:119-120)

Step Ten
        Keep trying and never give up hope.

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (2 Nephi 31:20)

Record your thoughts concerning applying the Ten Step process to your own recovery.

3/16/00 rdh