CHAPTER NINE

         Grief is experienced by all survivors of suicide. Grief is not bad, nor is it a sign of weakness or something to avoid. Grief is a necessary part of the process of healing. If there is love and joy in life, there will be grief and sorrow at the loss of those we care for. Every person experiences the process at a different pace and to a different degree. The intensity of grief associated with suicide is influenced by a variety of factors, including the quality of the relationship the survivor had with the suicide victim and the role the suicide victim played in the family. The age and gender of the survivor and the survivor's social, emotional and spiritual resources affect the course of healing. This chapter focuses on the last three factors.

IT'S OKAY FOR A MAN TO CRY
Differences between men and women

By Margie Holmes

        In some ways, men and women inhabit different worlds from the time they are born. Boys are expected to be strong, active, brave, rational and independent, whereas girls are expected to be sensitive, cooperative, nurturing, emotionally expressive, and tender. Many people believe that these differences are biologically based, whereas others believe that they are learned through such means as observation, imitation, and reinforcement of sex-stereotyped behavior. Most likely both nature and nurture and the complex interaction between them throughout life influence what men and women think, feel, and do. Whatever the reasons for the differences between the average man and the average woman, during the grieving process these differences often become apparent and they can make it difficult for husbands and wives to help each other when they need it most. In addition, because emotions are central to the grieving process, men may face more difficult challenges than women due to cultural expectations and the fact that they usually spend more time in the workplace.

Friendships and feelings
        Girls and women tend to be more concerned about relationships and staying connected to others. As a result, they have more close friends than boys and men (on average). They tend to talk more about how they are feeling and to provide emotional support for one another. Boys and men, on the other hand, are more likely to focus on doing things together and their conversations are less personal. When something as tragic as a suicide occurs, many men are not sure how to help their friends or family deal with such an emotional trauma or how to reach out for help for themselves. Of course, women have difficulty as well, but they often have circles of friends who are more familiar with talking about feelings. I described the support that I received from women friends in an earlier section ("What I Gained from Losing Brian"). My husband, Blair's, experience was very different from mine, as he describes below:

Many women came to our home to share my wife's grief, but from the day of my son's death until the memorial service a week later, the bishop and another man who came with his wife were the only men who appeared. We did not see his counselors, our home teachers, any of our immediate male neighbors, nor anyone from my priesthood quorum. One father, who lost his son thirteen years previous to our son's death, told us that he drove to our home, but was unable to get out of the car and come to our door due to his own resurrected grief. I often wondered what was wrong with me that almost no one would talk to me. I thought that perhaps I was unworthy of comfort or that no one cared for me.

Grieving and the workplace
        In the competitive world of paid work, efficiency and rationality are highly valued and rewarded and personal problems are expected to be kept from interfering with the task at hand. Healing from a suicide can be very difficult for both men and women in an atmosphere where emotions must be suppressed. In addition, working in a competitive setting can make it dangerous to reveal vulnerabilities because of the fear that they will be used to take advantage of the one who discloses them. This is one of the reasons that some persons keep their feelings to themselves. When the situation calls for openness and intimate connection, it can be hard to "shift gears" into what may be an unfamiliar and uncomfortable way of relating to others. Bob Rosenberger, a bereaved parent, explained that his first instinct was not to show his pain. He said, "When I learned my son died, I flew out to the city where he was attending college and made the necessary (funeral) arrangements. Then I called my boss to let him know that we would be staying over one night and I would be back to work the next day!"
        My husband, Blair, found little support for his grieving process at work. He said:

        I knew that some of my colleagues attended the memorial service for Brian. Two of them came through the line, but none of the others spoke to me that day or afterward. None of them came to my office to offer sympathy. None of them, when passing me on campus, stopped to utter words of comfort. I had one good friend from outside my department who sensed the depth of my feelings and the enormity of my loss. He helped me in practical ways and by listening to me.

        Occupational pursuits can be helpful in providing a respite from dealing with grief, however. When losses are fresh and pain is deep, it can be a relief to be distracted from those feelings. The regular routines of work can also help restore a sense of normalcy when our personal world has been altered forever. Unfortunately, work and other activities can also delay or prevent the strenuous emotional work that must be done to heal.

An LDS Perspective
        Although LDS men have important spiritual sources of healing, they may be more subject in some ways to sex role stereotypes. Latter-day Saints are taught that there are divinely created differences between men and women. The Proclamation on the Family states that fathers are primarily responsible to provide for and protect their families whereas mothers are primarily responsible for nurturing the children. Some couples forget the additional counsel that they are to be equal partners and instead behave as though they have sole rather than primary responsibility in their respective areas. For men, this can mean limited interaction with children and few opportunities to develop the tenderness and sensitivity that good parenting requires. They become very competent in achieving goals, accomplishing tasks, and producing measurable outcomes, but may not learn to value relationships for their own sake or the skills required to foster healthy relationships. Blair expressed his feelings of regret at not being a better father:

        I had a strong sense of guilt for being a rather poor father to my son. It was difficult to think of the good things I did for him and the fun times we had. I blamed myself and wondered what I could or should have done to prevent Brian from taking the path that he did. I felt deeply worthless and severe physical pain. Grieving for my son was the hardest work, by far, that I have done in my life. I resolved at the time to go to any man I knew who was grieving to express my sorrow for his loss and to do what I could to share his burden. In that sense, my son's death made me a better person. There have been several occasions since then when I have tried to help neighbors and associates who have lost children in horrible ways. My grief and healing also made me more sensitive to my other children's needs and more willing to draw close to them. I did not want to encounter again the difficulties that I had with Brian.

Grieving together
        The different ways men and women deal with grief often brings conflict and estrangement to their marriages. Instead of supporting one another through the grieving process, they may follow different paths. She may interpret his silence as uncaring or as a refusal to deal with his feelings; he may interpret her continual tears and discussion as being unable to let it go. Instead of helping each other, they may find themselves frustrated, resentful and blaming each other for their added pain. When both partners are suffering deeply, it is difficult for either of them to give what the other needs.
        I have a painful memory of sitting next to my husband at the funeral of a young man in our neighborhood. This young man was the same age as our son who had died about six years earlier from a combination of alcohol and sleeping pills. Our neighbor died of knife wounds received in a New York City subway while trying to protect his mother from an attack. He was mourned as a hero who gave his life for another. General authorities of the church spoke in his praise and the crowd overflowed the stake center. The contrast in the two funerals was vivid and I clutched my arms to my body and sobbed. I needed my husband to put his arms around me and comfort me. I couldn't understand how he could ignore my need. Looking back, I realize that he was probably trying to deal with his own pain and perhaps needed me to reach out to comfort him.
        The desperate search for explanations following a suicide makes it very easy for survivors to blame each other. They may need help to communicate their feelings to their spouses and children in a loving and uncritical manner. It is healing to be honest about your feelings, even though they may seem irrational at times. Crying together and supporting each other during the bad times can bring couples closer together, but both spouses can benefit from support outside the marriage to help them through the times when their wounded condition prevents them from turning to each other. If you find it difficult to express feelings and your spouse tends to show too much emotion, try to be patient. Do your best to listen and understand the pain. On the other hand, if you express emotions easily and your spouse refuses to cry or to talk about feelings, you will need to be patient and encourage the expression of grief.
        Try to talk freely about death and suicide together. Encourage one another to share memories. Attempt to create an environment where it is safe for each survivor to express grief. Pray together and pray for one another. Dealing with suicide is difficult, even in the best of circumstances.

THE SPECIAL NEEDS OF CHILDREN 
        Suicide can affect each member of the family in a different way. One person may grieve openly, another may retreat into silence or moodiness. Children's emotional needs can often be overlooked because the parent's grief is so all consuming. It is usually much more difficult for a child to adjust to a parent committing suicide than a brother or sister. The death of a parent brings the extra challenges of wondering, "Who will be my mom or dad? Who will take care of me now? How can I live without my mom or dad? Will my children never have a grandpa or grandma?" It is crucial for the surviving parent and other close family members to open the doors of communication with them. 
        The National Institute of Mental Health advises: "By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know--if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can help them by providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help." (Talking to Children About Death DHEW Pub. No. ADM 79-838)
        Encourage children to express their feelings of denial, guilt, blame, depression or loneliness. You may be tempted to 'let it ride," but don't do it. Children, like adults need to share their feelings about suicide in order to heal. Their reactions may be similar to yours. They may show anger, hurt and guilt, or seem insensitive. You need to accept their reactions, whatever they are, and give them loving support even if you don't understand them.
        Children usually need some time to think about the death and to explore their feelings. Because children differ in developmental maturity, the approach taken with them must be adapted accordingly. The natural openness found in young children may make it easier for them to talk about it than an older child. Older children, especially teenagers, may have more difficulty in sharing their feelings and may require prompting. Simple explanations are best for younger children while older teenagers can often understand an adult-like conversation. Some children won't ask questions at all and you need to encourage communication. A child may react with anger, behavioral problems, psychosomatic illness and other indirect manifestations. Even normal children may express depression through anger and behavioral problems. A child or teen may not choose to act out their grief with their parents, but it is important they talk it out with someone. It doesn't matter what children talk about. As long as they are communicating you can direct the conversation toward the suicide.
        Some ways to help children communicate are:
· Playing games
· Drawing pictures
· Making cut and paste projects
· Writing letters, poetry, or stories
· Keeping a journal or making a scrapbook
· Talking about memories
· Reading humorous stories
· Caring for a pet

        Don't hide your grief from children. Let them see your tears and know that it is desirable to express grief. Talk about the deceased the way he really was. Verbalize how much you'll miss her. Share hope and faith in Jesus Christ and that the deceased's spirit is still alive in the spirit world.
        It is critical to tell the truth and share the hurt so that the respect and love of survivors for each other can surface. Parents and relatives may think they are protecting their children by not telling them the truth, but they may see through the lie and become resentful or frightened by the adults' secrecy. Take into account the age of the child, and make your explanations simple. Children have their questions just as you do. Answer those you can and tell them that many questions cannot be answered at this time. Help children understand that their loved ones took their lives because of great emotional pain or conflict. Help them to understand that they are not the cause of anyone's death. A child who has been exposed to suicide may come to view suicide as an acceptable way of coping with problems. Talking about other ways of dealing with problems and reassuring the child that you are interested in him or her can help prevent another suicide. Also, reassure the child that you will not choose to leave. Tell your children you cannot protect them from pain but you will support them through it. 
        Make it a point to talk with people the child has contact with, especially teachers. Teachers need to know what the child is reacting to and they could help you pinpoint emotional responses that may be emerging, such as a change in behavior at school. They can help you reach the child and provide additional support.
        Teens (especially) need to be encouraged even more to air their feelings and not keep them locked within. They need the freedom to grieve in their own way. Parents may become overprotective and restrict the life of a surviving sibling. Teens need a verbal expression of your love, an arm around their shoulder, to be assured that you are there if they need you. It is not so important that they talk out their grief with you, their parents, but it is important they talk it out with someone. Assure them it is okay to cry, or be angry, or be lonely, but that they will heal and the pain will diminish. 
        Another concern that usually occurs is what is often referred to as "anniversary reactions." These are memories and feelings that reoccur with intensity on the anniversary date of the suicide. Be vigilant in preparing for these. Nearly everyone, children and adults alike will experience an anniversary reaction. 
        Above all, listen carefully to children and continue to find opportunities to talk about their feelings. For children who have serious problems or prolonged grieving, evaluation by a professional counselor is a wise precaution.
        Other suggestions that have been found helpful are:

· Provide factual information about the death and confront rumors
· Let children assist with the details of the funeral
· Allow them to touch the body if they want to
· Develop ways to commemorate the death, but do not romanticize it
· Expect sorrowful memories to occur around the anniversary date of the death
· Have a family home evening about death
· Continue family religious activities such as attending church together and family prayer
· Arrange for priesthood blessings
· Focus on the good qualities of the individual and not the suicide

        Elder Boyd K. Packer's beautiful metaphor about the hand in the glove teaches children about death as follows:

        A glove is like your body. It cannot move. But when your spirit entered into your body, then you could move and act and live. Now you are a person, a spirit with a body living on the earth. While you are alive, the spirit inside your body causes it to work and to act and to live. But it was not intended that we stay here on earth forever. Some day, because of old age or perhaps a disease or an accident, the spirit and the body will be separated When this happens, we say that a person has died. Death is a separation-a separation of the body and the spirit. When the glove, which is like your body, is taken away from your spirit, it cannot move anymore. It just falls down. It is dead. But the part of you that looks out through your eyes and allows you to think and to smile, to act and to know, and to be, that is your spirit and that is eternal. It cannot die. (President Boyd K. Packer, "An Apostle Speaks to Children." Previously published in The Friend, July 1973. ©2000 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc.)

        Understanding the plan of salvation is an essential element of healing. It is beneficial for children to know that each person, regardless of the cause of death, will live again. Suicide is not the end.
        A young girl wrote this poem after her father took his life.

I Miss
To my Dad, that I loved so dear.
Even though you are gone, I know you are still here.
I miss your touch, and your warm embrace.
I miss the time we shared, and your loving face.
I miss your teachings, your willful way.
I miss talking to you, and you telling me everything's okay.
I miss watching you with your granddaughter, your face aglow.
I have missed you holding your grandson, 
But the one thing I know.
I will go on missing you and all your funny ways.
I will never stop loving you all my days.

Joelle

SPIRITUAL AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SYSTEMS:
How Friends and Relatives Can Help

        Many of the survivors stressed the importance of the spiritual and emotional support they received from their families, their ecclesiastical leaders, their neighbors and friends. The bishop who lost his son said: "My counselors in the bishopric did everything possible to make it easier, and there was a great outpouring of love from the ward members . . . The many sets of kind friends help me so much." In several of the stories having friends and extended family members who helped with funeral arrangements and continued to offer their support after the funeral made a difference in their progress through the healing phases.
        Deanne Francis commented, 

"Planning a viewing, writing an obituary and asking people to participate in a funeral are difficult, but all these things have great therapeutic value. It is the beginning of being able to say goodbye. It brings the support of friends and provides a goal or objective to work toward. It also provides for a last, loving tribute and declaration of love." (A Heritage of Faith, " The Many Faces of Grief," p.81, © Deseret Book, 1988. Used by permission)

        To have a friend who would just listen, without offering advice, was normally helpful in the healing process. Some survivors, more than others, need an understanding and sensitive friend to whom they can disclose their feelings. The best thing others may be able to do for a grieving friend is to allow tears.
        We make a sacred covenant in the waters of baptism "to bear one another's burdens . . . mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places that ye may be in, even until death. . ." ( Mosiah 18:8-9 ) This is the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
        This last story illustrates the importance of the survivor's spiritual resources and the value of support systems, especially family members and church officials. The loss of the father to this family did not prevent the mother or children from continuing to grow in faith and give dedicated service to the Church. Two of the children and their spouses served as Mission Presidents. Two of the sons have served as Bishops or in the Bishopric. The youngest son struggled for a while but was helped by his siblings and church leaders and has since served in many positions in the Church. The family closed ranks and was not destroyed by this tragedy. They arose from their grief with greater faith to serve and bear testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ with power and conviction. 

"Our prayers were answered by loving friends and family who came and shared our sorrow."

DR. " A."

By "Elaine" 

        My father was a respected physician and a very dynamic, charismatic man. Upon finishing two years of college, he turned down an appointment to West Point in order to attend medical school at Northwestern University. He was a great confidence builder for his children and all five of us loved him dearly. He had a terrific sense of humor and was a fun, fun person. It seemed to us there was nothing he couldn't do. He could even sing and tap dance - far better than I. It was because of his enthusiasm and talent that the two of us won a Charleston contest when I was in high school. 
        He had a serious and abiding testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and served in a number of leadership positions in the LDS Church. He was Bishop of our Ward for 4 years and served for ten years on the general board of what was then the MIA. Everything he did, however, was accompanied by debilitating migraine headaches. He taught me to give him shots of gynergen to control these headaches when I was in my teens. In retrospect, those shots may have contributed to his eventual cerebral deterioration as gynergen has a dilating/constricting effect on blood vessels including those in the brain.
        He was 47 when he and mother were called to preside over a mission. My sister and I were both married and didn't go with Mother and Dad and my three younger brothers. A year later, we received a call informing us that Dad was returning to Utah for surgery on his neck, which had been injured years before and was bothering him. I picked him up at the airport and he walked right past me and didn't know me. I was flabbergasted and called out 'Dad! He turned around and said 'Oh, "Bonnie" I didn't see you!' My sister's name is Bonnie, not mine. And that was just the beginning. He did some strange things while he was home recuperating from his surgery. One day as he was grocery shopping with Bonnie, he saw a man passing out samples of coffee. Dad was the soul of diplomacy and kindness but he walked over to the man and in a loud voice gave him a resounding lecture about coffee. Bonnie was mortified. At other times he couldn't remember medications he had used for years. 
        In January, while still recovering from surgery and encased in a partial body cast, Dad was determined to go to our mountain cabin. Our cabin is near the high Uintas and you can't get there in winter without snowshoes. My husband John, couldn't go and I was determined Dad wouldn't go alone even though I was 7 months pregnant. We drove to the end of the paved road and parked up against a huge snow bank. As we got out of the car I realized that Dad was not dressed properly for the weather. I gave him my hat and the liners to my gloves, but he had only light pants on his legs.
        It was 4 p.m. and starting to snow. Dad's judgment was badly impaired by that time in his life, but mine was fine. I was panicked at the thought of a man in a body cast and a woman great with child, each carrying 2 sacks of groceries in snow up to our waist, and walking a mile and a half to our cabin. It took us 1 ½ hours to walk to the first gate, which would normally take us about 30 minutes. After that there were no fence posts or landmarks. We wandered around lost for hours in the dark in a blizzard. Dad kept falling down and had difficulty getting up with the cast on his neck. After pulling him out of the snow several times, I took the lead. However, before long I was exhausted, had begun having labor contractions and could go no further. Dad, as always full of faith in God, directed that we should kneel down and pray, which we did, stacking the sacks of groceries in the snow. Dad told Heavenly Father he had to get back to the mission field; that I was pregnant and my children needed a mother and we needed help. 
        After the prayer, I (of little faith) refused to carry the sacks of groceries another step. We left all but one sack of groceries that Dad carried and started out again. I said 'Which way should I go?' Dad said to choose any direction and it would be right. In 15 minutes I bumped into the cabin and we were able to figure out by feel which side of the cabin we were on, get the door open and go inside. I found some medication that seemed to help Dad's pain and stopped my contractions. We managed to get a fire built and stayed reasonably warm through the night.
        The next morning the sun was out in a crystal sky, and we saw the depressions in the snow where our tracks went all over the mountainside. We saw the mound where the pile of groceries was, and from there, our footsteps went in a straight line to the cabin door! We were able to walk out and return home safely but we could easily have died. My dad's reasoning and judgment were gone, and his sense of humor and memory were impaired.
        Another strange thing he did, was sell all of his property and assets to support himself totally on his mission. He couldn't be convinced otherwise. As a result when my parents returned, they had nothing. Dad was sick but had given up his life insurance and health insurance, which left mother with nothing. She had to work the rest of her life. We hadn't realized how serious his condition was because he was only 48. He returned to the mission field after surgery, but mother called within a few months and told us that there was something seriously wrong with Dad. He was released and the family returned home.
        When Dad came home, he was so different. My brothers never really knew the 'normal' Dad that I had known. The boys would occasionally tease him and he responded like a child. He tried to go back to work for a short while, but the clinic staff became worried because he could not remember what medications he had given and for what. He did beautiful surgery but the next day he couldn't remember what he had done and why. We could not allow him to continue practicing medicine. So mother went to work as a medical secretary and Dad did a lot of temple work. He still had the awful, recurring headaches. 
        One morning in March, he informed mother he was going to the temple. At noon, the neighbors called mother at work and asked her to please come home. Dad had committed suicide. When she called me and said, "Dad's gone," I said, "Where has he gone?" She said: "He's dead". Knowing he was physically healthy, I said, "Wait a minute, did Dad take his life?" She said, "Yes." 
        If you were a physician and wanted to die you would logically go to your medicine cabinet and get the drugs to do it. But Dad didn't do that. He got a vacuum hose and put it on the exhaust of the jeep in the garage. He climbed in and turned on the motor. Our neighbors heard the motor running inside the garage for several hours, went to investigate and found Dad dead. 
        I drove to mother's place immediately. The police were there conducting an investigation. That evening several of the General Authorities who knew Dad came to visit us and Elder Thomas S. Monson gave the family a blessing. An autopsy was performed. President Hugh B. Brown, who had been Dad's mission president, called and asked to speak at his funeral. The night before the funeral, my husband, John, related the results of the autopsy to President Brown. The right temporal lobe, where he had headaches, was shriveled to a fraction of its normal size, while the left side was normal. The vascular headaches caused ischemia, or lack of blood flow to his right temporal lobe, causing it to atrophy. The official diagnosis was Neiman Picks Disease, which is so rare that it was afforded only a short paragraph in the neurology book we consulted.
        President Brown said he appreciated that medical information because he felt Dad would never have taken his own life if he were in his right mind. In his address at the funeral, he told of the autopsy and informed the congregation that he knew and loved Dad as well as his own son, and was sure that he would not take his own life if he had all of his faculties. He said: "I would like to dispel from the minds of anyone . . . as to the nature of his passing. I have talked to the doctors who performed the autopsy . . .and his brain could not function normally at the last, and therefore he was not in any way responsible for the act, which terminated his life. Let there be nothing said of that anymore . . . There was nothing of mediocrity about this man . . . Many things have been said to dispel the sadness and to give you courage, hope and inspiration to carry on . . . I pray that we may have nothing but gratitude in our hearts for the privilege of having known him, for the privilege of having been inspired by him, for every life he touched was blessed and benefited by his touch, and there were thousands." (Quote from funeral sermon of Dr. A. Used by permission of his daughter.)
        Elder Thomas S. Monson told of Dad's years of service to mankind through the Church and the medical profession. He said there were many who would mourn his passing. He indicated that the Lord would take into account Dad's many years of faithful service. "He was one of the great and noble souls of our Heavenly Father…His soul rests in Paradise, in a place of peace and rest . . . You through your covenants and your faithfulness shall dwell eternally together (with him) in the celestial kingdom . . . I testify that all is well with him." (Quote from Funeral Sermon of Dr. A. Used by permission of his daughter.) 
        President Nathan Eldon Tanner counseled the family to be comforted by the good works and fine character that Dad exemplified. He quoted a poem: 

If I should die and leave you here awhile,
Be not like others, sore, undone,
Who keep long vigils by the silent dust and weep. 
For my sake, turn again to life and smile. 
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do something
To comfort weaker hearts than thine. 
Complete there dear, unfinished tasks of mine, 
And I perchance may therein comfort you. (Author unknown)

        The family was comforted when Church officials informed Mother that Dad should be buried in his Temple clothes. 
        I recall Dad saying, "I am so useless, you probably would be better off without me." If any of us had ever had an inkling that he was in such pain that he would take his life, we might have paid a lot closer attention, but we couldn't believe it just because of the person he had been when he was rational.
        When Dad was bishop of our ward, he counseled a woman who was suicidal, telling her that she must never consider taking her life as a solution to her problems. He wept when she later hung herself. Dad was 50 when he died but had not been himself for over 5 years. To know the cause behind the symptoms was a great comfort, which many suicide survivors do not have.
        My Dad's suicide was due to a physiological disease in his brain and the words of the Apostles provided great comfort. In one way Dad knew exactly what he was doing because he took his life in a very efficient, pleasant way. But he had lost his reasoning, his judgment, his sense of humor and his memory. I think he simply cured his bad headache that morning by taking his life. We have tried to explain this to our children and it has made them more aware and empathetic. They are now more understanding of other's problems and more sympathetic to the families of those who have taken their lives.
        The brain is the last frontier in medicine. It is difficult to study and to do surgery on the brain. There are electrical connections and chemical interrelationships that can disrupt the normal functioning of the brain. Dad's problem was visible. You could look at his brain and see that the right side of it was gone. But I'm sure there are things that go on in the brain that are not visible, that are microscopic or chemical that still cause a lot of problems for people. There is so much we don't yet have solutions for. If my husband had not insisted on an autopsy, we would never have known what disease Dad had. 
        We are counseled to take threats of suicide seriously and we should get help for that person. We don't understand exactly what is going on. Only God knows what is going on. We need to realize that the victim made a choice, wrong as it may seem to us, and we can't take the blame for the choices others make. 
        Prior to the onset of his organic brain disease, my father was an especially sensitive and warm individual. He was bright, upbeat, enthusiastic, and had a keen sense of humor. He was unfailingly good- natured and was adored by his patients, admired by his friends, and revered by his fellow ward members. He would often anonymously slip fifty dollars to someone who was down on their luck or, when circumstances warranted, see someone in his office and "forget" to bill them. He was unqualifiedly committed to the gospel and to the Church. It never occurred to him to turn down any kind of church calling.
        His brain disease changed all that. As the disease progressed his personality changed, his judgment became flawed. His ability to remember vanished. He became an entirely different person. I believe that his decision to take his own life and his deliberate acts to accomplish that were undertaken by an individual who had been rendered incompetent by the relentless and cruel ravages of his disease. I cannot imagine that a loving and perceptive God will ever regard him as culpable. I have no doubt whatever that if I am able to remain worthy I will live with him forever in the celestial kingdom. 
        We are promised that through the crises of mortality, there is comfort and peace to be found if we do not "refuse to be comforted." The comforter is always there. The scriptures can always be searched. The priesthood is always available. Family and friends do reach out to share our grief and lighten our burdens. "For I am with thee . . ." (Genesis 26:24) And He was. The suicide of a loved family member is not something I would want to experience alone.
        Through this very difficult time, our family learned a number of important lessons, including the value of closing our own ranks in unity. We were fortunate that each of us had a strong testimony of the gospel as a balm for troubled, grieving hearts. We clung together and reminisced and chuckled over some of the wonderful things we had heard about Dad at the funeral. We found that our prayers were answered by loving friends and family who came and shared our sorrow. Their expressions of love for Dad and their sharing of incidents from his life will always be remembered with gratitude. One couple designated Friday nights to take my mother out for a social evening. They continued doing that until her death thirteen years later.
        We recognized that there are answers to all our questions even if we don't receive them now. We learned that God is just and exacting, but He is also a kind and merciful Father who meant what He said: "I will not leave you comfortless." (John 14:18)
        Mother particularly, felt a special wonder and peace in the blessings given to our family by beloved priesthood leaders. I will never forget their tender counsel and inspired words to teach us personally. It did not end after the funeral. For years, my mother received phone calls and letters - even money to help put my three brothers on missions. My brothers did not go without priesthood guidance and interviews. This has given me, personally, a deeper understanding and appreciation for the great power that there is in God's holy priesthood when it is used by righteous and inspired men.
        I would not choose to repeat this experience. However, neither would I choose to give up any of the lessons learned and wisdom gained from having passed through it. Dad taught us well.