CHAPTER SIX

 "I needed to work through my feelings of guilt"

LISA

By Marilyn Harris, 

        You never comprehend the reality of suicide or death until it happens. We had tried over a period of months to help our 22 year-old daughter, Lisa. She was married with two children, born 13 months apart, and then had double hernia surgery. Her husband was young and faced challenges neither he, nor we, had encountered before. I cared for Lisa after her surgery in November and then left to help her sister who was having surgery. Soon there were signs that Lisa was having a mental breakdown. She ran away twice. After fasting and prayer we found her, brought her home and tried to help her work through her problems. She was unhappy and wanted a divorce. She started to escape into fantasy and became manic-depressive. Until then Lisa was one of the most Christ-like people I ever knew. 
        We took her to several counselors, who experimented with one medicine after another. She was hospitalized for a while but nothing healed her completely. One day she drove a car until she ran out of gas somewhere in Nevada. Two truckers picked her up and dropped her at the doorstep of a church in Reno. The minister didn't know who she was. She called herself "Rainbow" which was her Girl Scout name. He took her to a Christian woman who cared for runaway or orphan children. After a few days, she won Lisa's confidence and found out who she was. We were fasting and praying continually asking the Lord to help us find her. When the woman called us, we immediately drove to Reno to get her. She was highly manic and we didn't realize what we were dealing with. Before leaving Reno, we stopped at a restaurant to eat. She wanted to buy something in an adjacent drugstore and I went with her. She tried to get away from me and when I held on to her and asked her to please go back to the restaurant with me, she began to scream and tell the people in the store that I was trying to abduct her. The people didn't know whom to believe. I was so frightened, realizing how sick she was. I prayed and said to one of the men, "Please go into the restaurant and get my husband. My daughter has had a mental breakdown and we're just trying to take her back home." He got Robert and we got her into the car. On the way home, she wanted to stop and get a breath of fresh air. She began to run away into the desert and Robert had to chase her and bring her back. 
        After returning home, she went into her room, emptied her drawers and dumped all her clothes into the middle of the room and sprinkled bath powder all over to "get rid of the evil spirits." Robert gave her a blessing but we knew she needed hospitalization immediately. Lisa escaped from the hospital, and went to Los Angeles. We could do nothing at first because she was an adult and married. I finally got authority to go get her and they handcuffed her to me during the plane ride home.
        A psychiatrist put her on Lithium, which helped her for a little while. The doctor said there were no major side effects. Another doctor told me the week after she died that someone in her condition should never have been self-administering Lithium.
        Adding to her stress were the threats of her husband to take her children away from her. Her children were her life. She adored them and felt that the only way she could have them was to stay married. He didn't have enough long-range vision to realize that she needed to be safe for a while and get well and then they could work on their relationship. 
        The day she died Robert and I were debating who should go to the funeral of a close friend and who should stay home with Lisa. The doctor said Lisa had tried to overdose on Lithium and we should keep an eye on her. Her husband said he would like to take her for a ride with the children. I made him promise he would not let her out of his sight. When we returned from the funeral no one was home. Soon her husband came back with the children and she wasn't with them. He had gone to the store to get milk and Lisa talked him into leaving her alone. I was sick to my stomach as we began looking for her. I sat on the front porch and said: "Robert we've lost her. Now she's gone." 
        Robert found her downstairs in a room where his collection of antique guns were kept. She had shot herself in the heart. My other daughter began to scream at Lisa's husband, saying, "This is your fault, it is your fault!" And I just said. " No! We cannot deal with it that way. The only way we will get through this is with love." Lisa's husband has carried a terrible burden of guilt because of it ever since. We harbor no anger or bitterness toward him because we realize he didn't understand how ill she was. He has now remarried and has other children. We have a loving relationship with him and his present wife and all their children.
        Someone said that suicide is the ultimate revenge. Believing that false idea makes you feel so guilty, so worthless and such a terrible parent. People also say that a suicide victim will never go to the celestial kingdom. Because of personal revelation, I know that statement is not true. The month or so after Lisa died, I was so exhausted physically and emotionally, I stayed in bed. It was as if the Lord sat with me for almost three hours and took me step after step through her experience. I could see that all the doors had closed for her. There are many reasons for suicide but I know in Lisa's case it wasn't revenge, it was absolute hopelessness. She felt that she was all alone. She knew she was not normal and that is what frightened her so. To have her children taken away with no hope of being with them was the major door that closed. It was more than she could bear. 
        Lisa was very artistic and when we went down to choose her casket, her siblings started laughing and said, "Oh, if we put Lisa in that odd casket, she would come back to haunt us." Several people thought their behavior was irreverent and disrespectful. I thought it was good that the children could laugh and have some relief from the overwhelming tragedy.
        Lisa was buried in her temple clothing. At her funeral I received an assurance from the Lord's Spirit of her well-being and that she was now in His loving care. Lisa's children and her brothers and sisters have received similar special assurances from the Lord. Since she died I have felt her spirit close in little personal ways. 
        Because of my experience with Lisa, I have learned to search out and talk to people who are depressed or suicidal. I have been able to help them find a different perspective. I think they are people Lisa would have wanted me to help. Suicide has been compared to an emotional car-wreck that affects each member of the family differently. Some realize the loss immediately and can give voice to their grief. To others reality doesn't set in until much later. They may not be able to cry or mourn in usual ways. Comfort or help needs to be given on an individual basis. 
        We took classes at UAMI, which is the Utah Alliance for the Mentally Ill, a support group for families of those who have brain disorders. We learned many significant things. It was helpful to me to have doctors and practitioners at UAMI acknowledge that there are so many things we don't know. Fifteen years ago few people understood brain disorders and doctors wrote admitting they were just as much at a loss for knowing what to do as we were. Most of what we have learned about brain function has been in the last fifteen years.
        I needed to work through my feelings of guilt and come to grips with the fact that I wasn't perfect. I know I made mistakes raising our children, but we all do. I did the best I knew how at the time. I also learned how important the human touch is. Even after our children are grown they need our gentle and caring touch. I would say to my children, "Your mother needs a hug." Now they are in their 30's but they still expect a hug before leaving our home after a visit. The physical reassurance of our love is very important to all children.
        I learned to be a psychodrama instructor because I wanted to understand the issues and how to be more effective in helping people, especially two of our sons. Many young people who have brain disorders try to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol or tobacco. They use these easily available drugs to relieve their terrible anxiety and emotional pain. When the effects of the drug end, they can go into deeper depression. When one person in the family commits suicide others may be at risk also. When one of my sons threatened suicide several times, I finally said: "Look if you decide to do it, I would be really sad, I would be heartbroken. But I have learned one thing, that if you decide to do it, I can't stop you. But you need to learn to live your life on this side of the veil. You can wake up on the other side with the very same problems, so you might as well stay here and learn how to work through them with people who care about you. We love you and will do everything we can to help you." Robert and I now work with our son when he has an episode. I spend a lot of time with him, listening, talking and assuring him of our love and support. Nutritional foods, vitamins and herbs have also helped our son stabilize, without bad side effects. He is doing very well now. Robert also gives our children blessings. If we love our children, and help them deal with their emotions, their fears and their depressions, they can often learn to handle their challenges.
        Criticism or faultfinding is very destructive to a mentally ill person. My husband, Robert, was always so kind to Lisa and was never judgmental. Lisa had endured unkind and critical remarks from some people. We don't realize how damaging and hurtful our negative words can be, even when we mean well. To those who are already emotionally struggling, it can be magnified with devastating results. 
        What enabled me to survive? I always pray to love others and not judge them, to have my heart open. I go to my scriptures and pray a lot. Turning to the Lord when I felt like I couldn't make it brought me peace and strength. I have an abiding faith in the Lord. I know that the Lord is not punitive but very loving, and He cares for each one of His children. He loves all his children and will be there for them if they seek Him. 
        I believe we have a kind of fairy tale in the Church that if you do what's right you will live "happily ever after." As I look back over my life in the Church, I have tried my best to do everything right and keep all the commandments, but I have a daughter and two sons who have struggled with bi-polar disorders. The Lord gave this scripture to me to help me understand why I had these struggles in my life: "Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die it bringeth forth much fruit." (John 12:24). With few exceptions, all people will experience the death of a loved one. Whether we grow from the experience and become fruitful in our ability to serve and help others is the challenge. I have been able to help others because I have an understanding of suicide. 
        Another thing I have learned is the place of pain and suffering in the eternal scheme. The Law of the Telestial Kingdom is "eat, drink and be merry." The Law of the Terrestrial Kingdom is the "Law of the Harvest", or "as you sow, so shall you reap." The Law of the Celestial Kingdom is to walk the path of Christ, the low road of pain and suffering. John Taylor, in a talk (June 18, 1883) said that it was necessary for us to pass through certain ordeals and to be tried. "I heard the Prophet Joseph say, in speaking to the Twelve on one occasion: 'You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God, and (said he) God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance, in the Celestial Kingdom of God.'" (John Taylor, Journal of Discourses 24: 197 Italics added © Intellectual Reserve Inc.)
        How could we expect to become like God and succor those in need of succoring if we have never suffered the pain, the contradictions, and the paradoxes of mortality? The Savior "suffered greater sufferings, and was exposed to more powerful contradictions than any man can be." (Joseph Smith Lectures on Faith # 5, p. 48. © Intellectual Reserve Inc.) Through these difficult experiences we learn compassion and understanding. If everything were easy we would never know how to "lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees." (D&C 81:5) The gift of wisdom is bought with the coin of pain and suffering.
        I used to think when the Savior said not to judge that it was a nice suggestion, but now I know it is a very deep and serious commandment. We don't know what challenges people are dealing with and we don't have the right to judge. I love Robert because he never once lost the sight of that principle with Lisa. He tries to see the big picture, the eternal perspective. I have had a great soul-stretching experience in life learning not to cast any stones and how to love in a divine way.

"I suffer the pains of guilt"

NATHAN TOOMEY 

By Laura Toomey, 

        On February 24, 1997, our 17 year-old son, Nathan committed suicide. That fact can never be changed. We will never again be able to hold him in our arms and feel his breath on our neck. We will never be able to tell him we love him, and hear those words spoken to us. 
        Since my son's death, I have had many people tell me, "Laura, I don't know how you do it." I tell them, "You take one day at a time. If that doesn't work, then you take one hour at a time." What they don't know is that many hours have been spent in bed crying, surrounded with wet pillows and pictures of my child. I suffer the pains of guilt . . . if I had only said this . . . or if I had only done that . . .then maybe my child would still be alive. When I had to force myself to get out of bed before noon, I felt I was slipping into depression. Then I stopped to think... "Is this what Nathan felt?" Was he trying to convince himself to take one day at a time, one more hour of survival in the dark pit his mind was falling into? 
        Nathan was a "typical" teenage boy. He loved to hike, swim in a lake, be with his friends, and he found great joy in laughter. Nathan was known as a very giving person. He literally would give you the shirt off his back if he saw the need. It was not uncommon to hear someone, say..."Yes, it was Nathan who helped me with that." That is why his suicide came as a shock to everyone.
        In December of his senior year, Nathan announced to us that he had decided to join the military, as a means to get further education. Within a few weeks, he had narrowed it down to the Marines. He was excited about his decision, and would go around the house singing, "The few . . .the proud . . .the Marines." He took the oath and was scheduled to leave for boot camp as soon as he finished his senior year.
        In January, his cousin, Richard, asked Nathan to pick him up at the airport, and drive him to the Missionary Training Center in Provo. It was at this time that we began to see a change in Nathan. He had often talked about going on a mission for our church, and had been preparing himself for this goal. The next part of Nathan's life, we call "his six week shut down period." He went from a happy teenager to a child we could not get out of bed. We would find him in a dark room, just staring at the wall. He stopped eating and taking care of himself. We were not allowed to turn on the lights or make any noise. Unknown to everyone round us, our family was "walking on egg shells."
        Ten days before the tragic day, the children had gone to school, Dad had just left for a business trip to California. About 1:00 p.m., I went downstairs to check on Nathan. He had not come upstairs all morning. I found him lying in bed staring at the wall in a dark room. I begged him to go with me to get some lunch, anything to get him out of the house and into fresh air. After no response, I went upstairs and called a family crisis hotline. The counselor told me to get Nathan immediately to a hospital. We called 911 and he was admitted to the psychiatric ward. Less than 48 hours later, due to a mistake concerning our insurance, Nathan was sent back home. He had been diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder.
        Monday at 6:40 a.m., at my scream the family came running downstairs to Nathan's room, where he lay lifeless. He had taken over 100 sleeping pills, which he had purchased over the counter at a local supermarket. Only our daughter was spared the horrible image. Her bedroom was upstairs next to ours. She heard Nathan's voice tell her, "Julianne, stay in your room. Do not go downstairs." We immediately called 911 and the home was filled with policemen. We huddled together, sobbing, heartbroken and in shock. There was a note, letting us know of his love for his family. He said he wanted answers to everything, spiritual and earthly. He felt his grandpa would comfort him in heaven, and he said not to ruin our lives by mourning him.
        Our Bishop and the Relief Society sisters came and took over, intercepting calls and handling many of the details that attended his death. Even though we were fairly new in the ward, the members cleaned our home, prepared food, and helped with the details of the funeral. They wrapped their arms around us with love. What a comfort their compassionate service was.
        My husband and I gathered our four children and drove to his parents' home. They were away on a trip, so we could mourn in peace. As my husband and I knelt in prayer at the side of the bed pouring out our sorrow to our Father in Heaven, a very peaceful feeling filled the room. We felt Nathan was there with his arms around us weeping with us. He seemed to speak to us in our minds. He expressed his deep love for his family. He was sorry for bringing us pain. He indicated that he wanted to have baskets and boxes of oranges instead of flowers at his funeral. We asked for the oranges and they came by the boxful. 
        Suicide is a very selfish act. It leaves a grieving family and friends who will feel the loss of a loved one forever. The "whys" and "if onlys" cause family members to feel guilt and pain. Knowing that many teenagers would be at the funeral, I asked our bishop to talk about suicide. He said it was the hardest talk he ever had to give. The bishop quoted from an article in the October 1987 Ensign in which Elder M. Russell Ballard explained that suicide is a sin, yet the Lord will not judge the act alone, but He will look at that person's circumstances and the degree of accountability. 
        Elder Ballard then quoted from Elder Bruce R. McConkie:

"Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord's; He knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and He in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course." (Elder M. Russell Ballard, Ensign, October, 1987, p. 7 © 1987 Intellectual Reserve Inc. used by permission)

        At the conclusion of the funeral, we showed a slide presentation of Nathan's life, which left everyone in tears. Then, as difficult as it was, my husband Dave and I felt impressed to speak. Dave spoke of his concern for the youth suffering depression and how quickly a tragedy may occur. He talked directly to the high school students present and told them suicide should never be considered as an answer for their problems. He encouraged students to seek help from the many sources available that can help them deal with their difficulties. I told the audience I had craved oranges while I was pregnant with Nathan and oranges were his favorite fruit. He wanted everyone who came to the funeral to take home an orange in remembrance of him. He hoped they would think of the sweetness of their friendship with him. Nathan was such a giving person, always willing to help others. His life had meaning and we hoped the orange would remind them of all the good things Nathan did in his short life.
        The next few months were very hard. Our children were showing signs of trauma because of seeing their brother lying dead 
on the floor. One son held his hand on his chest every time he passed Nathan's room, because he felt his heart would explode. Each of us had to fight the image in our minds and we were all put on medication. 
        Our family has been blessed in many different ways. After Nathan's death, we discovered that he had been keeping a journal for several years. In an entry dated January 31, 1993, Nathan wrote, "I know that I have less than 5 years to live. Let me tell you about myself." He talked about what he liked, and then bore testimony of his belief in Jesus Christ. He quoted his favorite scripture, 3 Nephi 13:6. He wrote about reading the Book of Mormon: "I was so excited! All my hard work paid off. I had a warm fuzzy feeling, and I could now say that I have read the Book of Mormon." Nathan went on to say: "I testify to you, keep the commandments and be righteous. I know that our Heavenly Father lives and I, too, am a Child of God. The last days are coming soon and I hope that I am saved in the last days. It is very hard for our generation to be faithful. I know I am not perfect and I hope God will forgive me for my sins so I can dwell with Him and speak with Him in the Celestial Kingdom. I say these things with all my heart."
        We have recently moved to a new home so that we can start a fresh life. We continue our healing process on a daily basis. We talk about Nathan a lot. One child is afraid that we will "forget" Nathan. No way! In fact, we keep him alive in a humorous way. Whenever someone says "Who didn't flush the toilet?" or "Who didn't shut the door?"...We all say "Nathan", and we laugh. It relieves some of the tension and sadness, because Nathan is still part of our family. He is just temporarily gone. We hope that he can serve a mission on the other side. We know that we will once again hold him in our arms, and feel his breath on our necks.
        We feel an inner peace now that he is okay. We have the comfort of knowing that our Savior loves us, and He loves Nathan. We know that our Savior has felt the sorrow we are now feeling. We know that through our Savior's Atonement, we may repent and strive to live the best we possibly can. Most importantly, we know that our family is sealed together forever, and nothing can break that chain.
        This experience and trial has brought our family closer together. Our children show a deeper love and respect for their parents and each other. We express that love and appreciation for one another more consistently. We feel fortunate that we have not drifted apart. We are grateful to our Father in Heaven for each new day. We thank Him for the little miracles in our lives that confirm Nathan is okay.
        Many times we have felt Nathan near us, still a part of us. One son had a special dream. He and Nathan were sitting on his bed, with their legs dangling over the edge. He talked to Nathan about a problem that he was having. Nathan gave him advice and assured him that everything was going to be all right.
        Where do I go to find comfort? First, to my Father in Heaven for he literally carried us through that rough time. I remind myself that Nathan is His son; that I was given the wonderful privilege of caring for, teaching and loving Nathan for 17 years. Second, I find comfort in talking with those who face depression, or know someone they love who is going through it. A simple hug or smile can make a big difference in someone else's life. Try it.
        After a discussion with the family, we have decided sign to our names to our message. 
        Nathan we love you!

Dave and Laura Toomey
David, Jr., Matthew, Jeremy and Julianne

UNDERSTANDING THE HEALING PROCESS: GUILT AND BARGAINING.

        Several of these accounts including those above, illustrate aspects of the guilt and bargaining phase of healing. When anger begins to subside, you may feel guilty for many reasons. You may think that if you had somehow been more aware, more loving, more controlling, you could have prevented the suicide. You may then ask God to give you another chance, take you instead, or even bring your loved one back. You may also want to bargain with God and plead to Him with promises of "I will read my scriptures more faithfully; I'll be more thoughtful of others; I'll serve more diligently if you will just give me one more chance." Tearfully and in desperation you may beg God to "Let me talk to my loved one; let me see him or hear her voice just one more time." 
        As you go through this phase of grief, remember that you are human and there are events that you cannot control. Remember that love alone may not be enough to save another's life and that you were not the only influence in the life of your loved one. Guilt feelings are normal because of our powerlessness and imperfections. You may blame yourself for the loss of your loved one for what you did or did not do. At times the individual committing suicide may even leave a note or make comments accusing you of behavior that "caused" the death. After the suicide these feelings of guilt tend to be magnified and can be overwhelming, making life very difficult. Others may actually say or hint that the death may have been your fault. So, ask yourself the question, "Did you have anything to do with your loved one's unhappiness?" You may answer "Perhaps." But your words and behavior could not kill anyone. Your behavior did not make anyone overdose. You did not make anyone feel the feelings or think the thoughts that made suicide an acceptable alternative. 
        Most people have occasions in which they are unhappy and experience problems. However, most people don't kill themselves as a result. Some do. Many of you reading this book have tortured yourselves with the possibility that you could/should have done something differently, thereby preventing the suicide. Although hospitalization or another form of treatment might have helped, no one can be sure that any particular treatment would have saved your loved one's life. Perhaps the suicide might have been averted for a time or even altogether, but there is no way of knowing for sure. None of us knows everything about the "why" and "how comes" of a suicide. We can speculate. We can guess. But, some things only God knows. Some events in life are just mysteries.
        Occasionally a survivor can have mixed feelings about a loved one's suicide. Perhaps the one committing suicide had been the source of much conflict and problems in the family. Perhaps you had the thought that things would be better if she or he were gone, or even dead. At times a suicidal person may threaten over and over again, ""I'm going to kill myself." After many threats you may have felt like saying, "Why don't you then?" And then they do. You would naturally be devastated by guilt. Relationships can be very stressful and even confusing. One of our most difficult challenges in life is to deal with the agency and choices of others, especially members of our family. You are not responsible for the choice made by your loved one. Any mistakes you made in your family relationships are not sufficient to cause the suicide. 
        Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:

"God leaves us free. He is deeply committed to our moral agency and to letting people make mistakes if they choose to. And war is the reflection of how institutions fail and of the corruption of individuals. And yet, God leaves us mortals free to make decisions. Sometimes God intervenes as in the Noachian flood, or in Sodom and Gomorrah, but not always. And so needless and terrible tragedies occur because of leaders' and people's misuse of their freedom." (The Neal Maxwell Quote Book, "Agency", p.11 Bookcraft, 1997, ed. By Cory H. Maxwell)

        Elder Maxwell also gave comfort to us "would be Saints" who struggle, when he said: "We should allow for the agency of others (including our children) before we assess our adequacy. Often our deliberate best is less effectual because of someone else's worst." (The Neal Maxwell Quote Book, "Agency" p. 11 ibid)
        At times, your family and friends may try to brush your feelings of guilt aside. Be patient with them. They too, can be overwhelmed with powerful emotions when suicide occurs. Guilt feelings may torment you during the early months of healing. Guilt and bargaining are an attempt to gain control over a situation that you cannot control that can prevent you from facing reality. Guilty thoughts or feelings can paralyze and demoralize you and prolong the healing process. 
        In the end, you will realize that you are not to blame. You can go on with your life. The road to recovery requires you to 
accept your feelings and to draw strength from the resources available to you such as prayer, priesthood blessings, scripture study and the love of friends and family.

HELPS FOR HEALING

        Of all the emotions associated with suicide, personal guilt seems to be the most intense and painful. Some survivors have found help by performing the following tasks:

¨ Acknowledge the behaviors you, your family, and others were doing before the suicide that were positive and meant to be helpful. For example, a survivor might recall, "I was attending church, praying and trying to do what was right. I tried to talk to the deceased and encourage him or her…" Make a list of all the things you did that were loving and helpful. Most survivors were doing their best given the information they had prior to the suicide.

¨ Assuming the deceased had agency, brainstorm solutions that were available to the deceased that could have been used instead of suicide. The survivor might respond with statements like, "He could have called his counselor. She could have talked to me or to . . ." Of the available alternatives she or he still chose the option of death. These questions could be answered privately in writing or by talking with a trusted friend.

¨ Make it a matter of prayer, fasting and scripture study, asking the Lord to help you see the truth and be released from the burden of guilt.