CHAPTER TEN

         Families that experience suicide may be uprooted from some of their basic beliefs. You are tossed on a sea of uncertainty and feel overwhelmed by a flood of sorrow. You may have a continuing struggle against the painful memories and unanswered questions. You may be haunted by the "whys," and the "if onlys." It can be a constant effort to maintain balance and keep your faith. 
        Even though you loved and cared deeply about your family member, you were helpless to prevent the suicide. We like to be in control of our lives and suicide takes away our sense of control. There is nothing you can do to remove it or go back or make it better. The awful finality of suicide comes as a tremendous shock. The heartbreak and pain, the shame and the stigma, cause you to wonder how you can survive these terrible realities of suicide. You may carry a heavy burden of guilt. You may worry about the spiritual status of your loved one. You may feel angry with the victim, with yourself and may even express anger with God until you find peace. You may have enormous stresses on your marriage because of the different ways some men and women deal with their grief. Some of you may need counseling and medication to help you get through the depression that can occur as a result of the trauma and grief. 
        Nearly all of the survivors in this book were deeply religious and committed to Christian ideals and service. This was possibly the most difficult test of all. Some questioned their relationship with God. " Heavenly Father, when I have tried to be faithful and obedient to thy commandments, why did this happen to me? Didn't you love me enough to help me save my child, my husband, my father or mother? Where is he now? Is she finally at peace? Are suicides consigned to hell? How can I find answers? Where is our hope for peace?"
"Where Is Our Hope For Peace?"

HOPE

        Elder M. Russell Ballard discussed the spiritual dilemmas and questions raised by survivors of suicide in an article in The Ensign, entitled "Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not." He said suicide leaves many victims behind to face deep pain and confusion for years. He told of a woman whose mother had taken her life, but who received peace and understanding when she sought revelation from our Father in Heaven. She came to know that each person and circumstance are unique and will be considered individually. She felt such people have a place in the kingdom of our Heavenly Father and it is not one of despair. It is a place where they can receive comfort and peace. (Elder M. Russell Ballard, Ensign, "Suicide, Some Things We Know and Some We Do Not." October 1987. pp.6-9) 
        Perhaps the Prophet Lorenzo Snow saw our day, with the temptations and evil that threaten our families, when he gave this hopeful promise: 

Therefore, mourn not because all your sons and daughters do not follow in the path that you have marked out to them, or give heed to your counsels. Inasmuch as we succeed in securing eternal glory, and stand as saviors, and as kings and priests to our God, we will save our posterity . . . God will have His own way in His own time, and He will accomplish His purposes in the salvation of His sons and daughters . . . (Lorenzo Snow Address Oct. 1893, in collected Discourses, 5 vols. Comp. Brian H. Stuy, Burbank Cal. 1987-1992 © 2000 Intellectual Reserve.)

        President Brigham Young's words show the importance of binding our families to us by our faith and prayers:

        Let the father and mother, who are members of this Church and Kingdom, take a righteous course, and strive with all their might never to do a wrong, but to do good all their lives; if they have one child or one hundred children, if they conduct themselves towards them as they should, binding them to the Lord by their faith and prayers, I care not where those children go, they are bound up to their parents by an everlasting tie, and no power of earth or hell can separate them from their parents in eternity; they will return again to the fountain from whence they sprang. (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 208 © 2000 Intellectual Reserve.) 
        It is reassuring to know that we can invoke the Lord's help on behalf of our loved ones, as did the Prophet Alma in behalf of his wayward son. The Lord may not send an angel, but our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ will not be unrewarded. He said to "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee . . ."(Psalm 55:22) 
        Elder Jeffrey R. Holland speaking at the funeral services of a good friend, who committed suicide, offered these hopeful words:

        We're here to celebrate Karl's life, not his death. We're here to praise the Lord and love God for the Atonement and the Resurrection, but we are also here to say, particularly to the youth in this congregation and others who struggle, that Karl made a mistake. Now he would be the first to say that. Someone said:
        A man to be good (and I would add a woman), must imagine intensely and comprehensively, he must put himself in the place of another. The pains and pleasures of that man must become his own. Until he can do that, he must never sit in judgment on a man or his motives."
        We need a better vocabulary, Susie (Karl's wife). We know what we mean when we use the language of death, but the Master of heaven and earth, the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of all mankind, the Living Resurrection, said that when you live and believe him, you never die. (See John 11:25-26) So, we'll let Karl go for a while, but he's not dead in any eternal sense and you know that. You know that now and you'll know it tomorrow and you'll know it next week. You'll especially know it when he is spiritually close to you, whispers to you in your dreams, helps through the veil to raise your grandchildren - you will know that Karl lives.
        It's important to me to bear testimony to you that Karl lives, just as we testify that God lives and that Jesus lives. We testify that Karl lives spiritually and is loved of God and is loved of us. We miss him. Death was an intruder this week. We weren't ready. We do miss him and we are sorry, but none of that diminishes the brightness of his life, the grandeur of God's plan, the reality of life and the resurrection, of eternity and the Celestial Kingdom. Karl is being buried with all the promises and symbols of his covenants safely around him. God in His mercy will work out all the arrangements even as Karl works out his acknowledgement of his mistake. (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, personal communication, August 2001, used by permission) 

        Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in speaking to some students at Brigham Young University, expressed so eloquently the purposes of life's challenges:

God knows what his children can become and tries them to help them reach their potential . In time each person will receive a 'customized challenge' to determine his dedication to God. ("Link Truths, Students Told Wednesday." Daily Universe, 7 Oct. 1983, 37:11)

        And in speaking of these challenges or the "crosses" we bear, Elder Maxwell observed:

        We can . . . keep moving. Crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. . . 
        We can know that when we have truly given what we have, it is like paying a full tithe; it is, in that respect, all that was asked . . . 
        Finally, we can accept this stunning, irrevocable truth: Our Lord can lift us from deep despair and cradle us midst any care. We cannot tell Him anything about either aloneness or nearness.
        This is a gospel of grand expectations, but God's grace is sufficient for each of us if we remember that there are no instant Christians. (Notwithstanding My Weakness, Deseret Book Co. 1981, pp. 9-11 © 2000 Intellectual Reserve.)

        We come into a hostile world, subject to the imperfections of the flesh, limited understanding, and events over which we have no control. The agency of others may mean we will sorrow over a wayward family member or even a suicide.
        Heavenly Father provided the power of the Atonement to lift all of us out of despair when we are confronted with mortal tragedy. The promise of hope and redemption was reaffirmed in 1918, when President Joseph F. Smith saw in a glorious vision, the work of salvation proceeding among the dead in the spirit world: "The dead who repent will be redeemed, through obedience to the ordinances of the house of God, And after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and are washed clean, shall receive a reward according to their works, for they are heirs of salvation." (D&C 138:58-59)
        Isaiah offers you some of the most beautiful and comforting words ever penned by foretelling the mission of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; He hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound . . . to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness . . ." (Isaiah 61:1-3 emphasis added)

THE ATONEMENT - AN ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE

"Encircled in the arms of His Love"

        "Jesus loved his Father. His devotion was unlimited. His poise, majesty, and flawless actions among men arose from his utter submissiveness to the will of his Father. The mighty Shepherd among men was also the willing Lamb of God." (Life and Teachings of Jesus, New Testament Vol. 1, CES textbook, p. 43 © 2000 Intellectual Reserve)
        As we come to an understanding of the Atonement of the Savior, we begin to see the trials and tragic experiences of our lives through the larger window of an eternal perspective. Christ himself has given us very personal glimpses of His atoning experiences in the Doctrine & Covenants Sections 19, 121, and 122, as He prepared His latter-day prophet for Carthage. 
        In Section 19, Jesus speaks of his suffering as he took upon himself the sins and pain of all mankind, "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit--and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink--nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men." (D&C 19:18-19)
        March 1839. Joseph Smith was confined in the dark dungeon of that bitter oxymoron called "Liberty Jail". He had been tutored in suffering for five months under inhuman conditions. He had survived the moldy swill, the rats, the filth, poisoning, the lack of sanitation and light, but it was more than he could bear when he received word of the Haun's Mill massacre in Missouri. The Mormons, his friends and neighbors, had been tortured, beaten, raped and murdered and were being driven out of Missouri. He cried to the Lord:
        "Oh, God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? . . .How long, O, Lord, shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions before thine heart shall be softened and thy bowels be moved with compassion?… Let thine anger be kindled...with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs" 
        The Lord tenderly answered "My, son, peace be unto thy soul. Thine adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:1,3,7-8) 
        The Savior is asking you, as well as Joseph, to hang on for one more hour, one more day, one more year and to endure your afflictions well, with meekness and patience. If you will trust Him to heal you from the bitter contradictions of life, you shall triumph over your foes, whether they are physical, emotional, or spiritual. He wants you to give Him your hearts as well as your heartaches.
        The Savior told Joseph (and each of us) "If thou art called upon to pass through tribulation . . . or perils of all kinds; or accused falsely; or if thine enemies tear thee from thy family and if with a drawn sword thy enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife . . . and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, My father, why can't you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? And if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (D&C 122:5-8 italics added) 
        The Savior paints this scene with the pathos of His own experiences at Gethsemane and Calvary. Christ was buffeted by all the powers of darkness that Satan could unleash against Him. He endured unspeakable spiritual and physical horrors. Yet with tenderness, Jesus seems to be saying: 

        "My son, my daughter, bad things also happen to the innocent and righteous to give you experience which can help you better understand and appreciate the Atonement. I have descended below them all, into the pit of darkness and despair, into hell to pay the price in blood and pain to bring you back healed and safe. I atoned for your sins and the undeserved tragic experiences of your mortal condition. Through your faith in me, I will bring you back healed and at-one with God." 

OUR DEPENDENCE UPON CHRIST - THE PRINCE OF PEACE

        Christ knows perfectly how to succor you, to comfort you, to teach and to strengthen you, but you must initiate the power of His Atonement in your lives. Fasting, scripture study and earnest prayer can help you gain an understanding of His atoning sacrifice. Repenting and renewing your baptismal covenants each week at the sacrament table makes you aware of how dependent you are upon Him. As you sing the sacrament hymns, the musical language of the Spirit creates a feeling of worship and gratitude. As you seek Him in His holy temple and are faithful in keeping those protective and instructive covenants, He will then endow you with His marvelous power. He said:
        "Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost. . . And inasmuch as ye have received me, ye are in me and I in you." (D&C 50:40-43)
        "Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love." (D&C 6:20)
        The testimonies of those who contributed to this book are significant because of their courage in sharing their honest feelings and struggles to survive the enormous test of suicide. Their words are valuable and instructive not only to other survivors, but to all who love God and are humble followers of Jesus Christ. They affirm that He lives and loves His children. They affirm the testimonies of prophets, ancient and modern. They affirm the validity of the scriptures. 
        A survivors support group called Wings, (When In Need of Grief Support-Suicide) has taken its name from this scripture in Psalms 57:1, "Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me; for my soul trusteth in thee; yea in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast."
        These survivors encourage all who are brokenhearted and suffering to seek the unspeakable peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit, which Christ gives us midst the storms of mortality. 
        He said: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:21)
        "But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me." (John 15:26)
        "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." (John 14:18) 
        Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in speaking of the Comforter stated, "The Comforter fills us with 'hope'...which can be literally life-sustaining when given us by the Savior, for the light at the end of life's darkest tunnels is the Light and Life of the world." Elder Hafen said the Lord will not only save you from your sins, but from your inadequacies. Many in the Church think that the Atonement is only for "big-time sinners" and that Latter-day Saints will just have to try harder and make it on their own. "The truth is not that we must make it on our own, but that He will make us His own . . . He will thus lift us up, not only at the end of life, but in each day of our lives." (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "Beauty For Ashes", Classic Talk Series, Deseret Book, 1998, pp.22-23, 26 © 2000 Intellectual Reserve.)